Duo's POV
After Colony- 198
I watch as she steps through the swinging glass doors of the government housing apartment building and out into the early morning light, her head down, strands of long black hair blowing into her face from the breeze. The violet light shining down on her turns her hair a shiny bluish shade, almost the color of her eyes, but darker. She tucks it back behind one ear and finally raises her eyes from the ground.
The girl is Hilde. /My/ Hilde.
This is Heero's apartment building. I should have known.
I'm silent as she opens the door of my sedan and gets inside. She doesn't say anything, either- It's almost as if this was planned, as if I'm just picking her up from a visit to our mutual friend. Only it's not like that at all.
I took a chance coming here this morning, a crazy guess. I didn't really expect to find her here. Or maybe I did. Who knows, I was too pissed off at the time to really think about it. But I think maybe I knew she would be here somehow because I stayed.
I had to stay. I have to talk to her.
I wait until she's settled into the seat before I shift the car into drive and start off back to the highway, back towards the house we share together in the civilian sector of the Earth Sphere United Nation capital. I never wanted to live here. Unfortunately, the change of living area came with the change of job, when I finally decided to join Preventer a year after the second war. I brought Hilde with me; I couldn't leave her alone on L-2. She had been alone for too long, and I couldn't be without her myself. I wish now that I had never decided to leave.
I let my eyes stray from the road a little, cast her a sideways glance. She's sitting with her knees drawn up to her chest, arms wrapped around her legs, chin resting on her knees. I hate when she sits like this, especially in the car. We used to argue about whether or not she would get dirt on the seat with her shoes, arguments that usually ended up with us making out or having sex right there, and me letting her sit the way she wanted. I let her do it now, only because I know she's upset. And I'm still pretty pissed myself. We can do without the extra argument, and I know this time there won't be any make-up sex.
Heero has already taken my place. I can see it on her: How her makeup is smeared a little near her neck, how the buttons holding her jeans closed aren't buttoned up all the way, as if she were in a hurry, how she's twirling her hair around her index finger. Nervous. I can even smell /him/ on her: Pungent, spicy. His sweat, his come. I imagine him thrusting into her, over and over, the intense "perfect soldier", and her screaming his name, my sexy little babe, taking his fucking the way she took mine- Hard, relentless. She likes it that way.
Heero.
I don't understand how he can do this. I see him sometimes at work, we have lunch together on Fridays. He never once mentioned Hilde. There was always Relena...
I don't understand how he can do this to her, even.
And Hilde...
She's leaning her forehead against the window now, her breath steaming up the glass. She traces patterns in the white fog, chewing her bottom lip absently. Her blue eyes are far-away, dreamy. She sighs softly, almost sensually.
Is she thinking about Heero? How many times have I seen this look on her face? Has she thought about him every time she gets this look, has she always thought about him?
I should have seen it sooner.
I turn my eyes back to the road, tear my gaze away from her.
I should have seen it sooner.
~*~
After Colony- 197
It was 10:00 pm. I had just come home from a Preventer meeting that had run late. The house was dark when I got in, the sound of the television set low in the background. I figured Hilde had gone to sleep with it on again, like she always did when she tried to wait up for me on late nights.
I smiled, taking off my uniform jacket and throwing it in the closet. Maybe I would wake her up.
That was the first time I saw that look on her face.
Hilde sat on the recliner diagonal to the television, the finance books balanced on her lap, a calculator poised on the armrest. She was wearing a short, almost transparent white button-down dress that looked more like a long shirt than a dress, the top five buttons unbuttoned to reveal a bit of her modest cleavage. Her hair was half-twisted up, the rest hanging down to her shoulders, and her bangs fell across her forehead, into her eyes. She looked gorgeous. I was glad she was still awake. She chewed absently on the end of a pen, twirling her tongue around it as if she were making love to it. Her eyes were empty, fixed on the television, on the press conference coverage there, only she was gazing past the image of Relena at the podium to the tall, handsome soldier standing behind her.
I watched her, holding my breath and staying with my back pressed against the wall so she wouldn't see me, letting my eyes travel down from her face to her long, bare legs. She sat with them crossed tightly, and she kept rubbing the thigh of her top leg against the bottom one, her lower body shifting slowly, seductively, in a strange dance. I kept watching, enthralled and disturbed at the same time. Her eyes never left the television screen, never left the soldier with the wild dark hair and wild Prussian blue eyes.
Heero Yuy.
After about three minutes of her slow shifting and rubbing, Hilde drew in her breath sharply, shutting her eyes tight, and began to buck her hips wildly. I couldn't believe it- She was grinding her sex into her legs. Hard. Fantasizing about him. For some reason, though, it didn't bother me. I suppose I was too wrapped up in myself then to care, too aroused by what I was watching my Hilde do.
Finally, Hilde let go of the finance books on her lap to grip the armrests of the recliner, her legs crossing tighter, and her beautiful face contorted in ecstasy. A soft little cry of release escaped her lips and she relaxed, her shuddering body sinking back down into the recliner. I watched her tremble for a few minutes longer before she uncrossed her legs and rearranged the books on her lap. The front of her white dress was wet, soaked through to reveal her nakedness underneath. Her eyes stayed closed and I watched her lips move as she whispered his name.
"Heero."
I went to our room then and got undressed, doing my best not to think about what I had just seen. I was turned on, but something inside me still knew I should be pissed. So I went to sleep, not bothering to disturb her. Hilde came to bed later, kissed me, rubbed her naked body against mine as she slipped into the sheets. She was still hot, sweaty.
I never told her I had seen her, watched her make love to herself while watching Heero. It didn't even really dawn on me that she wanted him; Heero tended to have that effect on women anyway, and I had to admit I couldn't blame them. Who can compete with the "perfect soldier"?Besides, I had dealt with Hilde's little crushes before and she had dealt with mine. We knew who we both really loved.
So I ignored it. I didn't press her for details, didn't say anything when she would close up on me, whenever Heero was mentioned in our conversations, didn't ask her why she always seemed to get that look on her face when I mentioned him, or when he was on the television.
I ignored it all.
I shouldn't have.
~*~
I shift into second gear, speeding now up the on-ramp towards the highway and the bridge leading back to the civilian sector of the capital. Hilde gives me a sideways look now, her blue eyes widening slightly as she glances down at the sedan's speedometer. I pretend not to see her and try to concentrate on my driving.
After a long moment, Hilde turns back towards the window, sighing heavily. I know she wants to say something, but there is nothing to say. I know that all this time we've spent together has been a lie. Somehow, I guess I've always known.
Hilde slides further up on the seat, pushing her knees completely up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them tightly, almost protectively. I hear the leather squeak in protest to her boots, scratching the shiny black surface. She's ruining this car.
I don't care, though. We've had too many memories in this car anyway. She might as well destroy it, just like she's already destroyed our relationship.
~*~
After Colony- 195
"Ready to head home, Hilde?" I gave her my best smile as I tucked her carefully into the passenger seat of my new car. I had bought it especially for her, so that I could have something to show her when she finally got out of the hospital, something to show her that I was ready to take this serious. Her near-death outside of Libra had been my wake-up call, her two months hanging on the brink my test of perserverence. I wasn't about to screw things up this time.
Hilde smiled back up at me. She had gotten even thinner in the hospital, her big blue eyes seeming huge in her face, and she looked tired, as if she would fall over any second. Still, she was the most beautiful thing in the world to me. "Duo, don't look so worried," she said. "I'm fine, I promise."
I gazed back her, pretending to be shocked, and shook my head. "What're you talkin' about? I'm not worried, I just don't want you to strain yourself or anything. You know, these seat belts can be tricky!" I leaned over then and buckled her in securely. God, she was so tiny. My long braid fell over my shoulder, brushing against her face, and she laughed, reaching up to tug it.
"Hey!" I protested, turning to pout at her.
Hilde smiled. "I think I can handle it."
I had to smile then. She was always so defiant, even when she knew she really couldn't do all that much. But hell, she would try. I got out of the car, closing the door firmly behind me, and went around to the driver's side. I couldn't wait to get home and show her the house. I had gotten some of my buddies from the scrap yard to help me clean it up and it looked pretty damn good for a bunch of grease-monkeys to have done, if I did say so myself.
There were so many plans, so many things I wanted to do- For her, with her... /To/ her. Just like me to start getting hentai the first day she was out of the hospital. I tried to concentrate on just driving then, but Hilde must have noticed my red face because she started laughing.
"What's so funny?" I asked, turning to face her.
Hilde shook her head. "Nothing," she replied. Then she giggled. "Hentai."
"Am not!" I protested. Damn, she knew me too well.
"Are too! I can see it in your face!" She kept laughing. I turned to look at her again. The color was starting to return to her cheeks from all that laughing and her eyes were bright, alive. Not to mention how pretty her smile was. I loved her.
"Oh, is that a challenge?" I asked then, pulling off the highway and onto the shoulder. "Are you ready to fight this out, Miss I'm-Fine?"
"Yeah, I am," Hilde replied, still ever defiant. I reached over to unbuckle her seat belt then but she beat me to it, and suddenly she was in my arms, crawling over the seat and into my lap. Our lips met, tongues thrusting into each other's mouths hungrily. We had definitely missed each other.
I slid my hand up her too-big shirt and found the clasp to her bra, pulling it free. Hilde gasped through our kiss and pulled away, reaching her hand back to keep me from pulling her bra off.
"Du-o!" she cried as I held up the lacy little thing triumphantly. "We're on the side of the /highway/! People will see!"
I stuck my tongue out at her and tossed the bra into the backseat. "So?" I started on her shirt then, pulling up the hem to her chest. Two absolutely gorgeous breasts met me, small and round, the dark pink nipples perky. Perfect. I gave her a mischeivious smile before bending down to capture one breast in my mouth, clasping the other in my hand, teasing the nipple with my thumb.
A frustrated cry of protest escaped Hilde's lips before it turned into a moan of pleasure, and then her small hands were tearing at my own shirt. She pulled the zipper of my pants down, her hand delving down ardently to find my cock and pulling it gently out. I groaned at her touch and she covered my mouth quickly with hers. She definitely wasn't as weak as I had thought.
"I guess I win," Hilde whispered, breaking our kiss and sliding down her own pants, taking her panties with them. I gazed down at her, her beautiful face flushed, the blue eyes smoky with sex, and lower, her glistening pink femininity, ready for me. "You /are/ hentai/."
I smiled, deviously, and stuck my tongue out at her again, only she caught it with hers this time. I lifted her body completely up, poising her above my cock, and kissed her once more before working her gently back down, entering her. I cried out. She was so warm, wet, and tight. I had missed her.
We fucked then, slow and hard. She had incredible stamina, especially for someone who had just gotten out of the hospital. As soon as we had finished one round, she was ready to go again. That's my Hilde, as much of a hentai as I am. And people /did/ stop to watch. We didn't care.
It was the best afternoon of my entire life, our first time in the car together. And one of our last times on L-2, where we were alone and safe.
Where there was no Heero Yuy.
~*~
I'm in third gear now, practically flying down the highway. It's a good thing it's 5:30 am on a Sunday morning and hardly anybody is around, otherwise I seriously think I would get us into an accident. After all, I /am/ still pissed, and my mind is not where it should be. I don't know if it ever will be again.
Maybe if we were both dead, I could deal with the fact that Hilde loves Heero and not me anymore. If she ever did. At least if we were both dead I wouldn't have to live knowing she was with him, and she wouldn't be around for him to have.
I can see the beginning of the bridge in the distance, the lights still twinkling on it. The sky is a dark blue bordering on violet, the first rays of orange sunlight beginning to pierce through into day.
I'm flying now, flying towards the edge of the bridge, the heavy steel ropes that hold it together coming into clearer focus. We're close to the edge. I can feel Hilde's gaze on me, her brows furrowed in worry, her mouth open as if she wants to say something again.
I want her to. I /want/ her to stop me.
Because if she doesn't, I'll know that she really feels nothing for me.
I hear the car crank awkwardly under me, shifting into fourth gear. I've never gone this fast before. Even /I/ am starting get scared, losing control.
But I need her to stop me.
The edge looms closer. A small, female hand grips my arm, hard, turning the wheel. We start to skid, out of complete control this time. Hilde is in my lap now, her booted feet clamping down over mine, her hands taking the wheel from my slack ones.
"Duo!" she screams. "Duo, stop this! Duo!" She repeats my name, over and over again, even though she doesn't need me, she's doing all the work now. I'm thankful Hilde knows as much about cars as I do.
She finally gets us back down to a normal pace and pulls over abruptly to the side of the bridge. I turn to look at her, still in my lap. She is leaning over the wheel on her elbows, exhausted, her face flushed, her eyes bright and filled with fear. Her chest heaves with each breath, her breasts pushing against the deep V-neck of her tank top, sweat gathering in the valley between them. The soft mounds brush against my hands as she breathes, still clinging limply to the wheel. Strands of blue-black hair hang in her face, in her eyes. She stares blankly down at her lap for a moment before looking back up at me.
We don't say anything. We just stare, acutely aware of our bodies, touching suggestively. I'm hard despite my anger, and I know she feels it, poking her lower back, her rear. My braid is coming loose, tangling up. She reaches out tentatively to brush a long strand back. I want to kiss her.
I love her.
The spell breaks then. Hilde's eyes refocus and she slides deftly off my lap, casting me an angry glance before getting out of the car and slamming the door behind her. I watch as she goes over to the hood and sits down on it, pulling her legs up to her chest again in that closed-off position I hate so much. Her head is in her knees now, and her shoulders are shaking. Sobbing.
I finally get out of the car and take a seat on the hood next to her, leaving space bewteen us. I want to touch her, to take her in my arms and tell her everything will be alright, but I can't. That would be a lie, we both know it. And nothing will ever be alright. I've just made it worse by trying to kill us both.
I wait until Hilde's sobs have died down a little before breaking the silence. I reach into the pocket of my leather jacket, finger the little black velvet box inside. All of my life savings are in this box.
It doesn't matter anymore.
I toss the box to Hilde, let it land beside her with a soft thud on the black metal surface. "I guess you can keep this," I say, without emotion. First the suicidal tendencies, now the monotone. God, I'm turning into Heero.
Maybe she'll like me better now, I think with a bitter smile. Just like me to think of jokes that aren't even funny at a time like this.
Hilde finally looks up, reaching down to pick up the box. I watch her open it slowly, her hands shaking, and gaze down at the ring inside. It's simple, just a silver band with three small diamond hearts positioned in a triangular formation on it. Silver, because she always loved silver.
Big blue eyes shimmering with tears meet mine over the ring, the diamonds catching the early morning light and sending shards of rainbow light between us. I turn away.
I can't let her see me cry.
Boys don't cry.
"Oh, Duo," I hear Hilde say softly. "Oh, my God..." She breaks into a fresh round of sobs. I close my eyes.
"Why, Hilde?"
The question surprises me as much as it does her, since I never meant to speak. But I guess it's all I really want to know. It's the reason I stayed parked in front of Heero's apartment building that whole time, waiting for her to come out, anyway. I might as well go for it.
"Wasn't I good enough?" I feel stronger now. I turn back to her, my arms crossed tightly over my chest. "Wasn't I good to you? Because I tried, damn it, I tried my fucking best!" I'm angry again. Pissed.
Hilde shakes her head slowly, tears trickling down her cheeks. She wipes them away with the back of her hand, quickly. Still trying to be so strong, so defiant. At least I know she feels something now. But it's not consolation enough. Not for the three years I've spent with her, not for the life I planned for us, /wanted/ for us. Not for the world.
"Duo, it was never you," she finally replies. "Never. You have been everything to me, and so much more. I owe my life to you, Duo. You should know that. You gave me a new life."
I lower my eyes, look away. "Then what the hell was it? And why him? Why /Heero/?" I shake my head. "He was supposed to be my best friend. He has Relena. /Why/ in the /hell/?" I tighten one hand into a fist and pound it back against the hood of the car, making Hilde jump. I finally look back up at her.
Hilde stares at me for a long moment, as if debating whether or not she should say anything. I meet her gaze evenly. I know it scares her, whatever is in my eyes, because she bites down on her bottom lip and begins to play with a strand of her hair, averting my gaze. She takes a deep breath. Looks back up at me.
"It wasn't planned. Any of it. It happened a long time ago, before you and I first met. He was sent to kill me. I was supposed to be participating in a secret OZ mobile suit project, an attempt by them to construct suits equivalent to your Gundams. I was supposed to be a pilot. I was good." She pauses, tucks a strand of hair behind one ear dangling with a silver hoop.
"Heero was supposed to get rid of me, because I was the only pilot they had picked out thus far and because I was considered a threat." She chuckles now, almost bitterly. "So he followed me home one night, the night he was supposed to assassinate me. But something happened and I just lost control. We both did, I think. We had sex..." She closes her eyes, her voice beginning to tremble. I cross my arms over my chest again, steeling myself to hear the rest.
"...And I liked it. He liked it. But he left the next morning, and we didn't see each other again until the day you introduced us at the scrap yard." She sighs and opens her eyes slowly.
"After that, we saw each other once more before you both went off to fight Mariemaia's army. And we had sex. And now..." She chews her bottom lip again. "...This morning."
I don't look up at her. I'm staring off at the bay now, at the tiny ships sailing out on the clear blue-green water. It's so peaceful here, a perfect place for Relena's new world. I wonder what she will say about this. If she even knows.
My silence prompts Hilde to keep talking. She rambles now. "I don't know why I'm so attracted to Heero, I don't know why I had to keep seeing him after I met you. Because I love you, Duo, I really do." Her voice is desperate. She moves closer to me on the hood, to where I'm leaning with my back to her. "I just know that this attraction, this craziness, just won't let me stay with you. It wouldn't be fair to you."
I smile, bitterly. Fair. I guess it's fair then that my best friend gets to fuck the girl I love and gets to keep her as well, even though he's never even been around. Even though he hasn't been there for her, hasn't shown her any kind of affection outside his bedroom.
Heero Yuy knows shit about relationships. Relena could tell her that much. Hell, /I/ could tell her that much. The only reason we're even friends is because I know how to put up with his crap, because I can handle him, because I have been where he is now.
Hilde is strong. But I don't know if she'll be able to handle his moods, his darkness. He's even worse than me, I think. And I don't think she knows any of that. I don't /want/ her to know.
That's why as soon as she came out of the hospital that day, I changed. I put all of that shit behind me, about hating the world, about being alone and thinking that no one could ever be with me, about ultimately destroying myself one day. I didn't want her to see that, to know that. She had glimpsed it in me many times before; she didn't deserve to live with it.
I look back up. Hilde is staring at me, her eyes wide, her face softened. I realize I just said everything I was thinking out loud.
Baka. I never could keep my mouth shut.
"Duo..." Hilde whispers, trailing off as she moves closer to me, wrapping her arms around my neck, turning my body towards her. Her long legs wrap around my waist, pushing me into her.
I can't help it. I kiss her.
To my surprise, she kisses back. Her tongue tangles with mine, hungrily, passionately. She begins to kiss me fervently, short, desperate kisses. Our mouths miss sometimes, licking each other's cheeks instead.
I move up onto the hood of the car with her, on my knees, and pull her into my lap. She breaks our kiss and moves up on her own knees, so she is above me now, looking down into my face through her long bangs. Her breasts are in front me, straining against the tight black material of her tank top, the nipples hard. God, I want to touch them, I want to touch /her/. I groan.
"Hilde... Just one more time..."
I know that despite this, she's still going back to him.
She nods with a smile, giving me permission, and I bury my face between them, so soft, and moist with her sweat. She smells good, like apples. Fresh, clean. This is how I remember her.
I begin to tongue her breasts through her tank top, sliding my hands up her curvy hips to her arms. I run them down the smooth, bare limbs, and then trail my fingers back down to her naked abdomen. Hilde moans softly at my caresses and arches her body into me, rising further up so that her clothed sex is positioned in front of me now.
"Duo," she cries softly. I love the way she says my name, as if she's tasting it. She cries it again and I respond this time, pushing my face into her sex. Her jeans are damp, soaked all the way through with her wetness. I nuzzle her lovingly, inhaling her sharp, spicy scent, letting my tongue play with the buttons on her fly. She smells so good.
I feel Hilde's fingers tangling in my hair now and I pull away, pushing her hips back down on mine, letting her face me again. She smiles a little and I kiss her, deeply. I want to remember this forever.
I will have to do without this, without /her/, from now on.
Hilde begins to move against me now, surprising me, rubbing herself up and down on my clothed erection. Grinding her sex into me. I respond to her, thrusting up into her, making her cry out in pleasure at my rough pumping. I know she likes it this way.
We stay like this for a long time, until the sun has almost completely risen over the horizon, casting a bright orange glow across the bay, arms wrapped around each other, holding on as if it were the end of the world.
It's the end of /our/ world.
We fuck without taking off our clothes, hard. The friction between our clothed bodies makes it only more passionate, more intense, the patches of bare skin revealed on Hilde's body adding even more agony. It's wonderful and terrible, all at the same time. A lot like our relationship, I realize now.
Finally, after one last violent thrust, Hilde comes, tilting her head back and screaming my name into the bright new morning. I come after her, holding back my own scream through clenched teeth. We collapse on each other, on the hood of the car, on my lap. I hold her tight, our skin beginning to stick together with sweat and tears.
I'm crying now. And I don't care if she sees.
I move my mouth next to her ear, whisper, "I love you, Hilde-baby."
"I love you, too, Duo."
"You know, if it doesn't work out... You can always come back." I can't believe I'm saying this. A tear trickles slowly down my cheek. I brush it away quickly against the strap of her tank top.
"Thank you, Duo." Her own tears wet my hair, making the loose strands cling to my face. I'm glad she still feels something.
We kiss once more and then it's over. We untangle each other's limbs and slide off the hood of the car, get back inside. I continue down the bridge and the highway, back to our house. There's a lot to do now, helping her pack up and move out. Not today, but soon. I know she will want to leave soon.
I don't know what will happen now. I only hope that she will be happy now, and that Heero will treat her right. And if he doesn't, God knows there will be Hell to pay.
That's me.
It will be hard to be without Hilde, but I guess sometimes things happen for a reason.
The darkness needs the light. I used to have that darkness; Heero still has it now. He needs the light more than I do, I guess.
I will have to do without.
For now.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~