Hilde's POV
After Colony- 198
I’m standing at the window with a letter I wrote earlier tonight in my hand, watching him sleep and debating whether or not I should leave it for him to read. I can’t even remember what it says- Probably a lot of meaningless explanations, excuses for why I am leaving like this. I know that no matter what, though- whether I leave the letter or not- it will never be enough.
But how do you say good-bye to someone you’ve devoted the best three years of your life to? Someone you once loved, still care for?
He stirs in his sleep now, kicking off the black sheets. His naked body glistens with a soft sheen of sweat, every chiseled muscle taut, tense. I try not to let my eyes stray down to his gorgeous cock, semi-erect. His brows furrow as if he is in pain or if something is bothering him, and I hold my breath, hoping he won’t wake up and see me, fully dressed with my bags packed and sitting by the door of the bedroom we once shared. Thankfully, he only tosses his long braid over his shoulder, rolls over, and keeps on sleeping. I relax.
Duo…
I’m going to miss him.
Even despite these past two weeks.
I trace the edges of the envelope in my hand and think back over these last weeks. My last weeks with Duo. I still can’t believe how quickly two people who had been so close, first as friends, then as lovers, like us, could become utter strangers over just one day.
I suppose, though, that that is why I want to say some kind of good-bye. So I can bridge the gap that opened so suddenly between us, pushing us even further apart.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to fully close it.
~*~
After our morning together on the bridge, sweaty and strangely sated, the rest of the day went on as if nothing had changed. Duo took a shower and changed into a fresh uniform to head out to Preventer headquarters as soon as we got home; I went to sleep to get some much-needed rest. It was Sunday and the scrap yard was closed. I didn’t need to work that day, although I did work on the finance books when I finally woke up.
I made steak for Duo that night. His favorite. He was appreciative, sweet even. He even joked around with me like we used to, complaining that the steak was dry, even though it wasn’t, and laughing at me in my much too-big clothes.
I had no idea the next day would be so different.
It started out fine- Duo left for work, I headed out to the yard. But he didn’t come home for lunch like he usually did. And then he didn’t come home for dinner, either.
And even though I shouldn’t have cared, I did. I was worried. And pissed off. We might not have had a romantic relationship anymore, but we still lived together, and we had responsibilities to each other. The business was still his anyway, to say the least.
So I waited up for him, all the way ‘til 3:30 in the morning, sitting curled up on the living room couch in my long sleep shirt. I watched him stumble in, reeking of alcohol and cigarettes, with his arm around a petite brunette girl wearing practically nothing, her obviously surgically-enhanced breasts hanging out of the low neckline of the tight white T-shirt she was wearing. Duo was tweaking one exposed nipple, making the girl squeal with delight. I just watched, hardly believing that this was Duo.
/My/ Duo.
Shiny, glazed-over violet eyes met mine then and the sexy, mischievous trademark grin that made him so irresistible spread across his handsome face.
“Heya, babe,” he said cheerfully. “Wanna join us?” He gestured to the girl beside him with his head, and his hand delved down into her neckline once again, grasping one breast and squeezing hard. The girl giggled and kissed him, using entirely too much tongue. Duo’s eyes never left mine. I stayed silent, willing myself not to feel anything, not to let the tears that were welling in my eyes fall.
I didn’t care. I /don’t/ care. I have Heero now.
Heero, who would never do this to me…
The girl finally noticed that Duo wasn’t returning her affections and looked over at me, her face twisting in disgust. If Duo couldn’t see the hurt I was trying so desperately to hide, she definitely did.
Sliding one hand slowly down his body, the girl grasped Duo’s waning erection, making it stand at attention once again. Her tongue went in his ear.
“Come on, baby,” she purred, her hand beginning a slow up and down caressing of Duo’s cock. “We don’t need her. I’m going to make you forget all about that ungrateful slut.” She kissed him again.
So Duo had told her about me.
Duo broke the kiss after a long moment and met my gaze again. The amethyst depths were dark, angry, but I sensed something else there, too…
It was gone as soon as I had noticed it.
“You’re right,” he finally spoke, his eyes still trained on me. “I don’t think I’m her type, anyway.” The last words were spoken bitterly, sarcastically.
They hurt the most because they were almost true.
Duo picked the girl up in his arms then, making her giggle again, and carried her off to the bedroom. They didn’t even bother to close the door, and I listened to the moans and screams of their wild fucking all night as I laid back down on the couch and tried my best to fall asleep.
The strange thing, though, was that no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t cry. I felt, but yet I didn’t feel.
I was lengthening the distance already between us.
In the morning, they were both gone and I went to work. Duo came home this time for both lunch and dinner, and we both acted as if nothing had happened.
Because it didn’t matter.
We were strangers who just happened to live in the same house.
It was like that every day from that night on- Things passed for normal during the day, and at night there would be the girls, the drinking, and the sex. They always left the door open, too. Last week Duo brought two girls, and I could see them through the hallway mirror, one girl pleasuring Duo with her mouth while he pleasured the other the same way.
That was when I started leaving to go see Heero. And he was there for me, every time, unquestioning and loving.
I think he knew what was going on with Duo but he never asked me, never talked about it. Just like I never asked him about Relena.
There is only /our/ future now. Our future together.
But the other night we did talk about them, about Duo and Relena. We had just finished making love, lying in his bed. I don’t think we ever meant to talk about them, but we /had/ to. It was as if our ship had already drifted out into space- We just needed to take off now, away from the docking bay, away from the anchors holding us back.
“Where will we go now?” I had asked absently, not even knowing why the question had come to mind. But I guessed we both knew that we had to leave, that we couldn’t stay here in the face of our past. And I knew that went for Heero more than anyone. He had been a soldier all his life. Now, with me, he was going to have to try to put all of that behind him. It was one of the reasons we hadn’t stayed together so long ago, when we had first met. But he was going to try now, and that meant leaving his princess behind as well.
Heero had been silent for a long moment, continuing to tickle my breasts with the ends of my long hair. I waited for him, tracing the jagged line of the scar on his chest. His skin was still sticky from our sex, sweaty. I licked him then- Tasting him, imploring him. He finally answered.
“Japan. It’s the only home I remember besides the colonies. And Heero Yuy is known in the colonies.”
That’s right. He isn’t Heero Yuy anymore. He is Shinji Uehara, a name he used once before he became a Gundam pilot, when he was still in school and trying to lead a normal life despite his past as a young assassin. I know so much about him now, now that I am with him almost every night.
I love him so much more.
I said his new name then, testing it on my lips, and the corner of his mouth lifted in a smile. He was even more handsome when he smiled. I hoped Shinji Uehara would smile a lot more than Heero Yuy did.
“So you’ll have to leave Preventer,” I continued, still running my fingertips over his scar. I felt him become hard against my thigh- He loves when I touch him like that.
“Hai.” Breathless, ragged. He pulled me closer then and kissed the top of my head, his hand snaking down between my legs. I went on.
“Did you tell Relena?”
Silence.
“I told her I was leaving, and that I wouldn’t be with Preventer anymore,” he finally said. “Not the name.”
“How does she feel?”
Heero sighed then, almost defeated, and touched my chin with his fingertips, lifting my face to his.
“She feels like Duo,” he said. “But it’s different for her. She’s strong.”
I knew then that he knew about Duo and the craziness we were going through, had probably always known, without me saying a word. I wondered if he still saw Duo at Preventer, if Duo made it obvious that he was not taking this well at all.
I didn’t think I really wanted to know, anyway.
But maybe I did, because I started crying then, shedding all the tears I hadn’t let myself shed in the past week over Duo and the madness I had caused him to put himself through. Heero just held me, stroking my hair and my back, his hand between my legs gently caressing.
Finally, he lifted my face back up to his, wiping away my tears with his thumb.
“Duo is strong, too, koi,” he said. I love when he calls me that. I bit my lower lip to stifle a sob. I knew I had to be strong, too. For us. Because I wanted this.
“Duo is stubborn,” Heero continued then. “He’s going to put himself through Hell because he thinks it will change something. It’s his way of retaliating.”
I smiled then, bitterly. It was true- That was Duo. Heaven and Hell all wrapped up in one. One of the reasons why I had fallen for him, how one minute those big, colorful violet eyes of his could be filled with love and innocence, and the next filled with darkness and sin. He was exciting, he lived to the fullest, and he had sustained me until I could be with Heero again, had kept me alive.
“I just don’t want to see him destroy himself for this,” I finally replied. “For him to make himself go crazy because what we had wasn’t meant to be, because I have loved you from the moment we first met in a way I could never love anyone else, not even him-“
I was rambling then and Heero stopped me, cupping my face in his hands.
“I said he was strong, koi,” he said again. “And he is. He’ll move on… We’ll all move on.” He kissed me then, on my lips, softly.
He was right. And I left it at that. We made love then, passionately, tenderly. I rode him until my body collapsed from utter exhaustion, until my sex ached from the pain/pleasure of his incredible manhood.
I didn’t go back to our house until the next night, hardly able to stand. I fell asleep that night on the couch, my usual place anyway, still wearing my short black dress and my knee-high, zip-up black boots.
That was last night.
I woke up to my boots being unzipped by large, gentle male hands, the cold night air hitting my skin and chilling me. I let my eyes flutter open slightly, keeping my gaze carefully hidden under my long lashes. Luckily, I was still wearing my makeup- The dark mascara and shadow would help hide my eyes.
Duo was kneeling in front of me, one of my boots still in his hand, gazing down at me with bright, clear violet eyes. So there were no girls tonight, and he was sober. I was glad.
I let my eyelids droop lower and slowed my breath. I didn’t want him to know I was awake.
“Hilde,” he whispered to no one- He had no idea I was up. “Hilde, Hilde… God, why am I such a stupid fool?”
Duo tossed the boot down angrily, his eyes flashing black. He shook his head then, almost as if to clear it, and ran a hand back through his eternally messy, long bangs. He sighed heavily and when he raised his eyes once again, they were sad, defeated. The way they were when he picked me up from Heero’s apartment complex two weeks ago.
At that moment I wanted to sit up, to take him in my arms and tell him that I would always love him, no matter what. But I stayed down, stayed just watching him. I think he knew I felt that way, anyway.
“I guess I never deserved you,” Duo continued, still in a whisper. “This is what I get for even thinking I was worthy, huh?” He smiled, sadly.
“All I deserve is to be alone, to be in Hell. Shinigami equals death. But at least you didn’t die, Hilde.”
He touched me then, lightly, tentatively, on my bare thigh. I fought to keep from gasping at his touch. He will always have that effect on me, I think- Electric, intense, as if he transfers a part of his soul to me through his hand each time we touch, all of his feelings in a single caress. I stayed still, though, silent.
“But you know what?” he went on, the sweet, sad smile returning. “I’m not going to die, either. Not just yet. I have to stay alive, to show that these three years meant something after all, that I still have something to live for. You won’t get rid of me that easy, you dumb girl. You, /or/ Heero.” He laughed and I wanted to laugh with him. Just like the old days, when everything was fun, everything was a joke.
Only this isn’t.
Duo’s hand on my thigh traveled upward slightly, under the short skirt of my dress, and I struggled to keep my breath even. He kept talking.
“I’m sorry for being such a bastard these last two weeks, Hilde. I guess it’s just second-nature for me to act like that, though it’s no excuse. I only know how to fight back; I’m no good at talking things over. But I /am/ sorry, babe. I wish I could make it all up to you, but all I can do is tell you that if I could do it all over again, I sure as hell wouldn’t. Those girls… They meant nothing, they /mean/ nothing. Just no-good substitutes for you…”
The violet eyes were dark again, only not with anger this time. Duo rubbed a hand across them, brushing away the tears there. He shook his head again, his long braid tossing back and forth.
“Well, anyway…” he said, trying to hide the emotion from his voice even though he thought I was still asleep. I smiled to myself. He was still so proud.
“…I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. And that you don’t have to worry about me or the business anymore. I can quit Preventer and stay here to run the yard when you leave. And I’ll find another hot girlfriend…” He smiled almost devilishly, almost like himself again, and I wanted to laugh and hit him all at the same time. He kept caressing my thigh, his fingers daring slightly higher, brushing my sex through my panties. He felt so good.
I groaned out loud, pretending I was still asleep, and arched my hips up slightly. His fingers left me then, not wanting to wake me, and I was almost sad, missing his familiar touch already.
“You know I’m just kidding, Hilde-baby,” he whsipered, his voice husky, sexy. I would miss him calling me that dumb name.
Soft lips touched my thigh then, kissing gently with a flick of tongue. I bit my bottom lip to keep from moaning his name out loud. He turned to my other thigh then and kissed it in turn.
“I love you, Hilde Schbeiker,” he whispered against my skin, thrilling me and saddening me all at once. “And I hope you’ll be happy with Heero.”
The lips suddenly touched mine and I felt something inside me let go, like the anchors finally dropping from my ship.
“Good night, Hilde-baby.”
I was free, drifting alone in space.
~*~
That is why I am standing here now, watching Duo sleep and waiting for Heero’s black SUV to come take me away, holding this useless good-bye letter.
That is why I want to bridge the gap before it’s too late, because Duo has already begun building the bridge.
I just have to finish it now.
Duo turns in his sleep again, kicking the sheets completely off the bed now. He is sprawled across it, his hair beginning to come loose from the braid, a shimmering pool of chestnut silk splayed behind his head. His long arms dangle off the edges. I watch with a smile as he raises one to scratch his head, his handsome face scrunching up adorably.
Duo…
I’m going to miss him.
Outside, I hear the faint rumble of an engine approaching up the street, cutting through the dark silence of the night. Heero’s SUV crawls up to the curb, comes to a stop. I can see him inside, waiting for me.
I have to make a decision.
I have to leave now. For good.
Duo is facing me, still asleep. Or maybe…
I crumple up the envelope in my hand and shove it into one of my duffel bags.
So much for my good-bye letter.
I go over to the door and pick up my other bags now, then go back over to the window and wave to Heero down below. He waves back. We’re leaving soon.
With my bags on my shoulders, I go to the edge of the bed and kneel down beside it, in front of Duo. He stays still. Asleep, maybe.
I smile. Bend down, kiss his lips. He is gorgeous when he sleeps, looking even more like a god than when he is awake.
He /will/ find another hot girlfriend.
I kiss him once more.
“Good-bye, Duo,” I whisper.
“I love you.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~