Duo popped the video into the VCR and then arranged his stuff on the table while the commercials rolled. After getting everything arranged he laid down and tried to get comfortable. Of course that was impossible. His nose began to itch and drip almost immediately. He grabbed a tissue and wiped at his nose. His medication wasn't kicking in, in fact its effectiveness was almost non-existent. The rim of his nose was laced in red and little stings echoed through its tip every time he rubbed at it.
His throat was also sore and his eyes were heavy. He sniffled a little and sang along with the Slayers opening theme song. He wanted Hilde here, but she had to work, so he was left to suffer in misery.
Duo took a sip of his Hawaiian punch (loaded with vitamin C) and wiped at his nose again. He had a strong urge to blow, but that tended to irritate his ears.
On the television Lina was eating at such an acclerated pace that her hands were just little fists flashing across the screen. Duo took another sip of his punch when a sneeze erupted out of him. The ruby red punch splashed everywhere, staining the couch, the afghan and the rug.
Immediately forgetting his cold he sprinted from the couch carrying the afghan with him. He dumped it into the sink and filled the basin with cold water. He then wetted a towel and raced back into the living room hoping to soak up the punch before the stains could set. Running through the dining room his foot caught the end of the rug and he smashed into the end table.
The table fell to the ground and the antique ceramic vase that was a Schibeker heirloom fell to the ground and shattered. Duo let out a stream of curses and headed to the rug so he could soak up the punch. He knew he could glue the vase together later. The punch wouldn't come out of the rug, so he tried to soak up what was on the couch. He recalled that Hilde had paid for scothguard and was thankful when the stain slowly faded. He needed to wring out the towel though.
Moving quickly but cautiously back to the kitchen, Duo turned on the faucet and cleaned the towel. He couldn't see if the water was clear or still running pink so he turned on the light above the basin, or so he thought. The grinding sound in his ears made him wince. Flipping off the switch to the garbage disposal, he lifted up the afghan and saw a small hole surrounded by frayed yarn.
"Oh Crap." Duo didn't know how to knit, so he'd have to bare Hilde's wrath on this one, but there was still a chance to save the couch. Moving through the dining room Duo dropped to his knees before the couch and wiped at the cushion. The stain didn't seem to be getting much lighter. He couldn't flip it over because he had spilled pizza grease on the cushion in the past. He couldn't rearrange the cushions because the end ones had an extra portion that jutted out. Throwing down the rag, Duo tried the carpet again. It was a lost cause.
He fought off frustration and moved to the end table. Lifting it up off the floor, he righted the fallen furniture and then began to gather the pieces of the shattered vase. Satisfied that he had found all the pieces, he headed back to the kitchen to fetch the super glue. His nose had been running this entire time and it was really irritating him, so he grabbed a paper towel and wiped at it. That made his nose ache painfully, but at least the itch was gone.
The superglue was in a drawer that basically contained everything that didn't have a drawer of its own. So of course it was stuffed to the brim. He pulled hard but the drawer wouldn't open more than a couple of inches.
"Oh for heaven's sake won't you give me a break?" He yelled as he yanked on the drawer. Finally it gave, in fact it skidded right off of it's runners and sent Duo falling to the floor in a shower of knick knacks. Totally pissed he threw the drawer away from him and it landed in the open dishwasher shattering several plates and glasses.
The string of obscenities that issued from his mouth were colorful and quite graphic. Duo had the urge to smash stuff, but instead he closed his eyes and began to count backwards in chinese. Taking a few calming breaths, he scanned the kitchen floor for the superglue. Once he spotted it, he grabbed it and walked into the living room.
He soon realized that putting the vase back together again wouldn't be as easy as he thought. Duo quickly quit out of frustration and surveyed the mess around him. It was truly horrific and he was feeling awful. He didn't want to do any cleaning and he didn't want to spend all night listening to Hilde yell at him. He needed a good excuse to get him out of this one.
Duo sat down on the couch (avoiding the damp punch stain) and began to let the wheels in his mind turn. At first he couldn't come up with anything good, he thought about telling Hilde that Relena dropped by and the house was attacked by terrorists, but he figured she could verify that one a little too easily. He could say that Heero finally snapped, but then he'd lose the pool. Wufei was in town. He could say that he had dropped by and the house somehow offended his sense of justice. Hilde didn't like Wufei so she would probably buy that, but could he sell it?
Wufei was nuts but that seemed extreme for even him. Probably Hilde would want to know how the house had offended him. What could he say to that? The couch and rug didn't match. The glasses in the dishwasher were weak. The kitchen drawer didn't have a kind heart. Duo shook his head. Those lame excuses would effectively get him exiled from his bedroom for a year.
No he needed something more plausible. Wufei did have a quick temper. He could say that he was bragging about how Deathscythe was way cooler than Nataku, but he didn't want to appear responsible in any way. Then it hit him: Wufei came by drunk and hence completely insane and uncontrollable.
Of course Wufei hardly ever drank. In fact Duo had never seen Wufei drunk, but he was sure that it was probably a really grusome site to behold. He could picture Wufei stumbling around, swinging his sword wildly while screaming about justice with a slur. The little picture in Duo's mind even had bubbles popping out of Wufei's mouth. He saw himself opening the door and Wufei stumbling in with a bottle of half empty Jack Daniels. Wufei would make a toast and Duo would hold up his glass of punch, but then Wufei clanged his glass too hard and the punch spilled everywhere.
"Well I knew I had to get some coffee into him so I tried to lead him towards the kitchen but he stumbled into the end table and knocked the vase over. Then when we finally got into the kitchen I put the afghan in the sink to let the stain soak out and Wufei started opening the drawers. He was like that monkey, you know, Curious George. Well the drawer was sticking a little so he yanked it hard and it came out completely spilling all the contents everywhere. By this point I was really pissed so I told him to go and sit in the dining room while I made the coffee. Well I don't know what he heard but I guess he thought I said to sit in the dishwasher because that's what he did."
"No, he sat in the dishwasher?" Hilde eyed the shattered dishes in disbelief.
"I swear, so at this point I told him to get out. I mean I hate to be a bad friend and all, but I just couldn't take anymore."
"Well you did the right thing. I can't believe he'd come over and behave in such a completely disrespectful way. I mean that guy's always going on about honor, but he obviously doesn't have any himself."
"Well I don't know about that, he was pretty drunk..."
"No Duo don't make excuses for him. I don't care if it is the anniversary of his wife's death. That doesn't give him the right to destroy our home. We should ask him to pay us for the damages." Hilde stood with her arms crossed and a look of righteous indignation on her face.
"What? No Hilde I think we should just forget about it. I mean he made a mistake, we're all human. Forgive and forget." Duo waved his hands in front of him to ward off the bad karma that seemed to be coming his way.
"Hell no! Look at this mess. Plus that vase was a family heirloom, it is irreplacable and that afghan was a gift. I'm a crappy knitter, it will take me hours to repair it! He has to take responsibility for his actions. If you won't call him on it then I will, just give me his number."
Duo swallowed hard. He wondered why he had thought this was a good plan. He should've just blamed it on Heero and bid goodbye to his fifty bucks. Wufei was going to kill him. He couldn't give that number to Hilde. After much begging pleading and other diversion tactics (such as seducing Hilde by making macaroni and cheese in his black silk boxers), Duo managed to get Hilde to forget about calling Wufei. At one point he even promised to learn how to knit so he could repair the afghan.
'Man I hope she doesn't remember that one. What am I thinking? I am so lucky that I managed to pull this off.' Duo thought as he laid down to sleep next to his forgiving wife.
THREE DAYS LATER
"Relax Maxwell, I'm not going to kill you. I admit when Hilde called me up and accused me of destroying her living room and kitchen, I entertained the image of your scalped head twirling around the end of my sword. But then I had an idea, a revelation if you will. Not only did I decide not to kill you, but I even covered for you. I told Hilde that I would pay her back for the damages and apologized. Of course you're giving me the money..."
"Yes of course, absolutely. Wufei I can't believe it! You're the best, man! I totally am so indebted to you, anything you want, anytime you want it, it's yours!" Duo smiled like a drunken idiot. When Hilde told him that she had gotten Wufei's number from Sally and that she had called him about the damage to their house, he totally freaked and went to the Preventers HQ immediately. He was sure Wufei was going to run him through.
Wufei nodded his head impatiently. "I was counting on that. In fact I know exactly how you can pay me back."
"Great! What is it? Anything you want."
Wufei smiled with satisfaction. "Well it's very simple really. I recently had a bout of clumsiness myself. I was visiting Quatre in Cairo and really needed to practice some of my jumping kicks. Well unfortunately I failed to notice that Quatre had left his violin sitting rather precariously on the coffee table. I accidently brought my heel down on it and shattered the violin's neck. I happen to value Quatre's friendship a lot, plus he's been helping me financially in purchasing some ancient Dragon clan artifacts that I discovered in China. Anyway I couldn't tell him I broke the violin. It would've devastated him. So I told him that Heero finally snapped."
Duo nodded, sympathizing with Wufei's situation. "So what do you want me to do?"
"I want you to get Heero to go see a therapist."
"What?! Are you nuts, there's no way..." Duo couldn't believe what Wufei was asking. It was mission impossible, for sure.
"Look you're Heero's best friend. If anyone can get him to do it you can. I don't care if you convince him or trick him, just as long as he goes."
"But why?"
"Because that's what Quatre wants. He feels that Heero's actions were a cry for help."
"Heero's actions? Oh you mean breaking the violin." Duo rolled his eyes. "And Quatre asked you to get Heero to a therapist?"
"Well at first Quatre was just going to talk with Heero, but of course I couldn't let him do that."
"Of course not."
"So I told Quatre that Heero should speak with a professional. Quatre agreed and was going to bring Heero himself, but if he mentioned why..."
"So you volunteered to take Heero instead."
"Exactly."
Duo shook his head. "Wufei I want to help you out, really I do. I think it'd be good for Heero, but I don't think I can do this. I mean there's no way I can convince him and if I try to trick him, he'll see through it."
"Duo you have to do this or else Hilde's going to hear about what really happened that afternoon."
Duo felt a sharp spark of anger race up his spine. "Damnit Chang you're trying to get me killed, aren't you? You know that Heero will kill us both if he figures out what's going on."
"Well then Duo I suggest you plan carefully." Wufei smirked as he left the room. If Duo did fail than it wouldn't be that scary to face Quatre's wrath, and Heero would probably kill the American pilot before Wufei's role in this fiasco can come to light.
ONE WEEK LATER
He was beginning to get impatient. Duo had planted all the evidence and finally Heero was starting to bite. At one point he thought about telling Heero about the therapist himself, but that would cause Heero's suspicions to arise. No it was better to let Heero find the information that he had planted and let him take action on his own.
Of course there was always the possibility that Heero would talk to Relena and the whole deception would be revealed, but that wasn't really much of a threat. Heero didn't talk to Relena. He stalked her, hacked into her files, intimidated her suitors, watched her from the shadows and threatened her enemies, but he never actually talked to her. Duo smirked. When he first conceived of this little plan, he figured it was hopeless, but now that things were coming together. He figured that soon he'd be home free.
TWO DAYS LATER
Duo finished setting up the tape he'd managed to splice together then he signaled Wufei who was waiting in the lobby with Quatre. If Quatre didn't see Heero in the psychiatrist's office all his hard work would be nothing but a waste of time. He had to smile. He was really very proud of himself. This plan was a masterpiece. Nothing could go wrong. At first he was a little worried for Relena's safety, but he knew that even if things did go wrong, then Heero would just jump into action sooner than expected. That wasn't this doctor's m.o.* though. He'd chosen a real sleazy one, just in case Heero killed the man. But he didn't want Relena to get hurt so he was also careful to pick one who usually didn't compromise his patients until the third or fourth visit.
Duo smiled as Relena's voice came into the office and into his ear. His bug was working perfectly. Although he hadn't seen him, he knew that Heero was also in position. He adjusted the camera that he had placed in the doctor's office so that he could see the door.
"Hello Dr. Pronger."
"Miss Dorlain it is a pleasure to meet you. I have a great deal of respect for you."
"Thank you. I am thankful that you could see me on such short notice."
"My pleasure. As a psychiatrist I am very sympathetic to the incredible stress your job must place upon you and knowing something of your past, I must say that I'm quite interested in hearing about what goes on in that mind of yours. When I was informed of your interest in seeing me, I was quite honored and pleased. On a professional level I can't think of any one else whose life I'd rather listen to."
"Oh well thank you. I really don't find it that interesting myself. Of course because of my position everything that is said between us must be kept in the strictest confidence."
"But of course. I would never even consider breathing a word of this to anyone else. Now what exactly did you want to discuss? What is bothering you?" Duo could hear a creaking sound and saw that Relena had taken a seat on the couch.
"Mostly stress. My advisor and sister-in-law Miss Noin referred me to you. She felt that if I discussed my frustrations with someone else I might not be so distracted by them. I guess what I really want is to complain without being judged. I always have to put a cheery face forward even when people insult me directly to my face. I can't allow the public to see me as weak..."
"And why is that?"
"Well it would hurt my political career. After all if the public isn't behind me than I don't have any power to push my ideas forward."
"Yes of course, but don't you have anyone in your private life whom you can confide in? I get the sense that you wear this cheery mask of yours not just in public but at all times."
Relena sighed. "Yes you're right. I really don't like to burden my friends and family members with my problems so I try not to let others know when something is bothering me. In my family I was taught never to complain about my problems because I was given so much that if I complained I would be thought of as nothing but a spoiled, rich, brat."
Duo yawned. This was boring and he really couldn't stand to listen to anymore. He pushed a button on his laptop that played the tape and sent out it's signal on a frequency that would override any bugs placed within the building. He smiled as his own earpiece played the prerecorded tape into his ear.
"Miss Dorlain I think that we should try hypnotizing you. I think that it will help to relieve your stress."
"Alright doctor."
"I want you to lay back and listen to the sound of my voice. Picture yourself in a grassy field on a warm summer day. Feel the heat of the sun on your face. Now close your eyes and picture the deep blue summer sky. There are big fluffy clouds slowly drifting above you. Can you see them?"
"Yes."
"Good I want you to concentrate on these clouds. These clouds represent your past. They contain images of your youth. Tell me Relena what do you see?"
"I see my father."
"What's he doing?"
"He's getting on a plane and leaving."
"Where's he going?"
"Away to work. He's always working."
"And how does this make you feel?"
"Sad. Lonely."
"I see. You wish he could stay with you. You want him home so he can play with you and pick flowers with you and hold you in his arms."
"Yes."
"Relena I'm going to pretend to be your father. I am going to take you into my arms and I want you to say to me what you would say to your father when he tells you that he has to leave."
Duo sent another signal to Wufei as he counted silently in his head. "Daddy please don't go."
"I have to go Relena, but why don't you give me a kiss before I leave."
"Okay daddy."
Duo smirked as the doctor's door was kicked in and Heero leveled his gun at the shocked Dr. Pronger and Relena, who wasn't in the doctor's arms kissing him, but was sitting on the couch staring at Heero in disbelief. Duo cut off the prerecorded tape and listened to the bug's transmission.
"Heero what the hell are you doing?" Relena jumped off the couch and placed herself between Heero and the doctor.
"Move Relena."
"I will not. Put down your gun."
Heero ignored her and glared at the doctor coldly. Duo was scared that the doctor would be dead if Wufei and Quatre didn't show up soon. Relena looked ready to ditch pacifism and kick Heero's ass. Fortunately a blonde head emerged behind Heero and placed its hand on Heero's shoulder.
"See Quatre he's here. We should go now. This looks personal."
"Just a second Wufei. Heero why are trying to shoot the doctor?"
Heero looked a little perplexed at the other pilots appearance but just shrugged and replied, "He was trying to take advantage of Relena."
"What? Heero that's not true! Why would you think something like that?"
"Oh hello Miss Relena. I didn't expect to see you here, but I guess it makes sense. After all Heero needs all of our support at this time."
"What?"
"Quatre I don't know what you're talking about, but I heard the doctor tell you," Heero gestured to Relena, "to kiss him when you were under hypnosis, Relena. That man has already had his liscense revoked on L6 and L3. You can't trust him."
"Heero I was never under hypnosis." Relena rolled her eyes and sat back down on the couch.
"Heero please lower the gun. This man is trying to help you." Quatre pleaded.
"Quatre I really think we should leave. I'm sure that Relena can calm Heero down."
Heero's eyes shifted to Wufei and Quatre even though his gun was still trained on Dr. Pronger. "I don't need to calm down, I know what I heard. Relena this man is a threat. We should leave. You don't need a psychiatrist, you need a vacation."
"You're right Heero I don't need a psychiatrist. You do! I was never under hypnothesis, I guess whatever bug you managed to plant on me is malfunctioning. I'm sick of your following me around and analyzing my every move. I'm not your puppet!" Relena shouted.
"Excellent Miss Dorlain. Don't hold back, let your anger rise up and flow away from you like a cleansing rain."
"Wouldn't a cleansing rain flow down?"
"Wufei, don't interrupt let the doctor do his work. Although I don't see how Relena yelling at Heero is going to help him deal with the demons of his past." Quatre tapped his chin thoughtfully while Relena snickered and Wufei's eyes bugged out. Duo studied Heero's face through the camera lens. He detected no visible signs of shock or anger, but Heero's head did swivel around until he looked directly at Quatre.
"What demons?"
"Oh Heero don't be ashamed, we all have them. I was happy to hear that you were finally seeking help. I've been so worried ever since that day in Cairo. I don't know how Wufei and Duo found you but I'm very thankful to them both and to Dr. Pronger." Quatre smiled at the confused doctor. "Heero can be a difficult patient, but I'm confident that you'll break down his walls and help him find his inner child."
Duo shut down the camera and the listening device and gathered his equipment hastily, throwing everything into his knapsack. He took off down the hall at breakneck speed and almost collided with Wufei who was running down the stairwell towards the garage. "Should we have left Quatre behind like that?"
"Heero won't kill Quatre. He's Relena's best friend and Heero is in enough deep water with her thanks to that tape of yours."
Duo nodded. He sighed with relief as his bike came into view and he realized that they had escaped with their lives. Just as Duo and Wufei were about hop on their bikes and get the hell outta there, Trowa appeared in front of them.
"Trowa this isn't a good time, we gotta go!"
"Yes I know, but first I want my money."
"What money?"
"Quatre told me that Heero finally snapped."
"So?" Wufei tried to go around the other pilot, but Trowa somersaluted through the air, blocking his path.
"I won the pool. I want my money."
"We don't have it right now!" Duo turned his head sharply as he heard the steel door from the stairwell fly off its hinges. "Trowa!"
"I want my money."
"Heero's gonna kill us!"
THREE WEEKS LATER
"I guess I don't need to tell you the rest." Duo pouted and batted his eyelashes.
"Oh my gosh, that's like so sad. I mean you shouldn't lie, but man I can't believe your best friend did this to you just for playing a little prank on him."
"He's nuts I tell you. If it wasn't for Relena and Quatre, I'm sure I'd be dead by now."
The nurse nodded as she lifted Duo's spoon of pudding to his mouth. "I can't believe you know Relena Dorlain, that's so cool. I'm a huge fan of hers. So this guy Heero's stalking her? That's so sad, but not really surprising. I mean she's like totally famous and smart and pretty. I wish I could be more like her." The nurse sighed.
Duo followed the fall of her chest with his eyes. "Her life isn't as perfect as you think. I mean Heero is really busy keeping her out of danger. There's a lot of people after her."
"That's so sad. I can't imagine what the world would be like without her. She's like totally responsible for this whole peace thing." The nurse lifted up Duo's spoon and he shook his head indicating that he had finished. "Well I guess it's time for your sponge bath Mr. Maxwell. Can you lean forward for me?"
Duo frowned and shook his head. "It hurts so much, help me?"
The nurse sighed. "Well okay, but you're going to start having to do this for yourself soon." She leaned forward wrapping her arms around Duo and then leaned back, cradling him carefully while she undid the ties on his gown. She couldn't see the smile on Duo's face as he laid his head on her shoulder. His smile quickly disappeared when her pager went off. "Oh I better see what that is." The nurse coaxed Duo back into a lying position on the bed and raced to the room across the hall.
"Mr. Chang is there a problem?"
"Yes nurse Betty. I was writing a letter to my good friend Quatre Winner, you know of the Winner corporation, and I dropped my pen. Can you please pick it up for me?" Wufei pointed to the pen lying on the floor under the table.
"Well alright, since I'm here already, but Mr. Chang we've talked about this. That pager is for emergency situations only. I am very busy." The nurse bent over to retrieve the pen. Wufei smirked as the blond had to get down on her hands and knees to retrieve it. "Here ya go." She handed him the pen and looked at the letter he was writing. "Is that the same letter that you were writing this morning?"
Wufei nodded. "I'm telling Quatre about how lucky I am to have such a sweet and compassionate nurse. It's taken several pages, because everytime I try to finish it up, I remember all the sweet things you've done for me and have to write them all down. I have ten pages so far." Wufei held up the stack of papers and smiled triumphantly.
"Well that's very kind of you Mr. Chang, but I'm just doing my job. I had better get back to Mr. Maxwell now. I can't leave him alone for a minute or he makes such a mess."
Wufei nodded in sympathy. "Yes I don't know how his wife puts up with it all." Wufei smirked as he watched the nurse's behind retreating from his room. He could just barely make out Duo scowling at him from the other room before the nurse closed the door.
~finis~
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*modus operandi - normal mode of operations
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