Disclaimer: Gundam Wing belongs to Sunrise, Bandai, and the Sutso Agency. We're just having fun.
Warnings: Some spoilers, some yaoi (3+4, 5+13, and lotsa ?!x?!), and a lotta OOC-ness. :)

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*beeeeep*

"This is Heero Yuy. Leave a message."

"Heero! Heero, I know you're there. I'm not going away until you pick up the phone. Heeee-ro! Heero, Heero, Heero, Heero, Heero...!"

"Baka," the young man muttered, hunched over his keyboard. Eventually, the tape on the answering machine ran out and the mechanism clicked off, cutting off the call. There was a soft hiss as the tape rewound. The phone rang again three seconds later and his caller continued his repetition of his quarry's name over his last message until he was interrupted by a chirpy, "What'cha doin', Daddy?"

"Well, Matthew, I'm trying to get your hard-headed Uncle Heero to pick up his goddamn phone."

"Can I help?"

"Sure!"

In ragged unison, they started up again: "Heero! Heero, Heero! Uncle Heeee-rooooooh!"

Finally, Yuy shoved away from his console and grabbed the phone. "Maxwell no baka!!"

"You know, if you want people to think that you're not home, Yuy, you really should learn to type more softly."

"What do you want, Duo?"

"They're showing our movie today!" Duo announced jubilantly. "We're all going to see it...the other pilots, Hilde and Matt, Sally..."

"What do you mean, 'our movie'?" Heero cut in.

"'Hearts of Gundanium!' You mean you haven't seen the commercials? They made a movie about us, man! They don't know our real identities, of course, so they had to fill in the gaps with bullshit, but..."

"Duooo!" came a distance-muffled voice, Hilde's. "Don't swear in front of Matt!"

"Sorry, Hilde," he replied, sounding a bit sheepish... then continued brightly. "It starts in just a few hours...so, do ya wanna come?"

"No."

"Looks like it's gonna be a blast. Man, you should see the special effects..."

"No."

"...and it should be fun seeing someone else's take on our experiences and..."

"Maxwell, if I have to repeat myself once more, I'm going to do something with that braid of yours that I can't mention in front of an impressionable pre-teen."

Duo heaved a melodramatic sigh. "Heero, you're my best bud in the whole world, you know that, right? But, y'see, I'm also a Dad now and I've told Matt that he's going to get to see his Uncle Heero an' I just cannot lie, especially to my kid. So, either you show up and suffer through with the rest of us or Shinigami will extract a horrible vengeance."

Heero snorted.

"Relena doesn't have your super-secret, unlisted, worth-the-lives-of-six-people-to-know home number, does she, Yuy?"

The Perfect Soldier broke out in a cold sweat.

~~~~

"Wufei!" The blond Arabian, much braver than most gave him credit for, glomped onto the quietly seething Chinese boy. "I didn't think you'd show up."

Wufei muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "Maxwell had the negatives."

Trowa, leaning up against the outer wall of the crowded theater, looked down at his watch. "Shouldn't the others have met us by now? The line's already wrapping around the block... I don't even think we'll be able to get seats."

"Psst!" Trowa glanced up. Two familiar figures beckoned from the roof of the theater, urging them towards the alleyway between the theater and a darkened arcade.

"About time," Wufei remarked, crossing his arms over his chest. "What does Maxwell think he's doing up there, anyway?" As he completed the sentence, a rope uncoiled from the roof, thwacking the Chinese pilot lightly on the head.

"Maybe there's a way to get into the theater from the roof," Trowa suggested in his usual deadpan.

"Get in without paying?" A look of vague distress flashed across Quatre's face. "I don't think..."

Before he could say anymore, Trowa had grabbed hold of his hand and was pulling him toward the rope. The tall acrobat grabbed hold and skimmed up to the roof with an ease and nimbleness a squirrel would have envied; Quatre followed rather reluctantly, with Wufei behind him.

Duo grinned at them as they reached the top. "Good to see ya, Tro'-man." He reached out to ruffle Trowa's distinctive hair, but Trowa--anticipating the move--ducked nimbly out of the way.

"Good to see you as well, Duo," he returned, the slightest of smiles sitting on his lips.

Quatre, not quite as quick, couldn't avoid a bone-crunching bear-hug, but he didn't seem to much mind. "Hi, Duo!"

"Howyabeen, kid? How's... Wuffie! You actually showed up!" Quatre eeped as Duo dropped him and homed onto his new target. With his usual unflappable manner, Trowa caught his lover before he could hit the tarred surface of the roof.

"Of course I showed up," Wufei snapped, side-stepping. His plan failed however; Duo did not go sailing off of the roof. "You blackmailed me!"

"Aw, what's a little window-peeping between friends?"

"You know," Sally remarked calmly as she, Hilde, and Matthew observed the five ex-pilots from a safe distance, "I'm starting to think that I should 'borrow' these negatives from Duo. I'm curious about this."

"I'm just trying to conceive what Wufei possibly could have done. I mean... he doesn't seem the wild type."

Sally shrugged.

"The show starts in ten minutes," Heero cut in. "If our mission is to view this movie, we should get started."

~~~~

Minutes later, the five pilots--along with Sally, Hilde, and Matthew (who was currently sitting on Heero's lap, trying to feed him popcorn; Heero was taking it as stoically as possible)--had appropriated the closed-off balcony. The group of friends sat in the dark, air-conditioned theater as the previews drew to a close.

"Oh boy! It's starting!" Duo cried, bouncing up and down slightly in his seat.

"Shhhh," Matthew scolded.

As the movie began, showing a panoramic view of deep space, the narrator's deep, booming voice filled the theater: "The year is After Colony 195, the place Colonies L1 through L5..."

"Here. Pass it down," Duo whispered, handing an economy-sized bag of Choco-drops to Trowa, who glanced at them and dutifully passed them over to Quatre.

"Duo! We're not supposed to have outside food in here!"

"Have you seen the prices at the concession stand? Even you couldn't afford it. Pocky at four o' clock!"

Trowa caught his treat without looking away from the screen.

Sally casually leaned across Wufei's lap and asked Duo if he had any licorice twists.

"Onna!"

"Not to fear! I brought Wuffie-snacks!"

Before Wufei could say anything else, Sally stuffed a rice-cake in his mouth. "Shhhhh! Here, eat!"

Slowly, space faded out, overlain by a pair of ice-blue eyes and the face of a twenty-one year old, artificially aesthetically scarred pretty-boy that had been hired to portray a fifteen-year-old "Hiro Yui".

"My mission," he rasped dramatically. "I must protect Lelena Peacekraft..." He reached out to caress the battered photograph taped to the forward console of his cramped space-transport. "Nothing else matters..."

"I'm leaving," Heero declared flatly, rising to his feet. Duo grabbed one of his arms; Matthew grabbed the other.

"Siddown, Yuy!"

"Don't go, Uncle Heero!"

Heaving a weary, pain-filled sigh, he lowered himself back into the seat. "How did I let you talk me into this?" he grumbled softly. "The last thing I want to see is my own life through the filter of some hack-writer's brain..."

"Hey, look!" Matthew exclaimed. "It's Uncle Quatre!"

"Er...sort of..." Quatre smiled tentatively. The individual in (what was supposedly) Sandrock's cockpit was tanned, buff, and shirtless, wearing only a pair of loose trousers. He was grinning a cocky he-man grin as he evaporated yet another mobile-suit with his lasers.

"Mercy!" squealed the enemy's voice, made fuzzy and crackled by his radio.

"Catch" threw back his head and laughed. "No mercy for Oz-scum like you! Eat laser, punks!"

Another mobile-suit was blown to smithereens in a great fireworks-display of glaring light and flying chunks of metal.

Trowa was pale, staring wide-eyed at the screen. "Dear God," he rasped. "What have they done to you?"

Wufei was trying to hide a smirk. "Well, from what I've been able to tell, the only information they had on Quatre was that he was blond and a vicious fighter. You can tell that Americans made this movie..."

"Hey!"

"Duo, hush! Here comes Trowa!"

There was a soft, strangled sound from the former Heavyarms pilot as the scene faded into view. Quatre leaned over and patted him gently on the back.

"Trowa? Breathe, Trowa!"

"Do you have to go?" the buxom, mostly bare, brunette on the screen asked tearfully. "Torowa, you know the cost of war. Stay here with the circus... with me!"

"Cathy..." The lean man on the screen stubbed his cigarette out in an ashtray located on the bedside table and leaned in, taking his co-star in his arms. His long, scraggly bangs almost hid the patch over his left eye. "I have to do this. I will come back to you. Never fear." The two kissed deeply before falling back into bed.

"Don't look, Trowa!" Quatre cried out, leaning sideways to cover his friend's eyes.

"It's too late, Quatre... it's too late. I saw..."

"Hey Heero," Duo snickered, "there's the love of your life!"

Heero audibly ground his teeth as, on the screen, a tearful Lelena clung to him. "Oh, Heero... I thought I'd never see you again! They said you were... that you were... dead!" The word, wrenched from her mouth, was thick with over-played anguish.

"I always come back for you, baby," Hiro replied throatily. "You know my life is meaningless without you." As pseudo-Heero pulled pseudo-Relena into a passionate kiss, and the sappy background-instrumentals went into a frenzy, Duo doubled up with laughter.

"Oh, man! This is priceless! And to think, you guys didn't want to come here!"

"I wouldn't be so quick to gloat, Maxwell," Wufei smirked. "You're next in line for bastardization. Look."

A maniacal, if slightly pretty, black-clad "Duex" hacked his way through a field of Leo suits--

"If you look close, you can see the little strings moving the models!" Hilde snorted. "I think they used up all the good FX in the first three minutes."

--only to come suit-to-suit with The Lightening Count.

"Shinigami will take you down into Hell!" Duo yelled to his on-screen counterpart.

"The Great Destroyer will vanquish you!"

"The what?!"

Before Duo could get over that unpleasant shock, The Count's suit scored on-screen, sending shrapnel flying through the cockpit.

"Cheap Gundam," Heero murmured. Duo wasn't listening.

On screen, "his" shirt had torn by flying metal, revealing breasts.

As Duo stared slack-jawed at the screen, Heero Yuy's laughter-- possibly one of the rarest sounds in the known universe-- could just be heard over the pounding music.

"Eep," Duo said weakly. "I'm..."

"Well, what do you know," Wufei remarked, smiling sideways at Duo. "The universe does mete out its justice. Sorry you dragged us to this horror-show yet, Miss Maxwell?"

"I...I..."

"Daddy? How come you're a lady?"

"Maybe it was the long hair," Quatre suggested. "Someone spotted your braid and assumed you were a woman."

Trowa was looking everywhere but at the screen. He was already going to have nightmares.

~~~~

On screen, a severely injured Hiro Yui was having his tonsils intimately examined by Nurse Sarry.

Sally had to be whacked on the back by Wufei to keep her from choking on her licorice.

"That's a non-regulation uniform, isn't it?" Duo snickered.

"Doesn't matter," Sally shot back, "doesn't look like it's gonna stay on for long..."

~~~~

"AIIIGH!"

Quatre screamed and hid his face against Trowa's shoulder as the next scene opened with "him" kissing an extra in a crude leather approximation of a Maganac costume.

"Oh god..." Trowa moaned. It wouldn't have been so bad if they'd just taken off the fez.

"Duo, I think I'm going to take Matt back up to the roof..."

"Noooo! I wanna stay!"

"If I can't go, he can't go." Heero sulked.

"Come on... we've got to endure this together! I mean, we've been through a war, we can handle this. Right?" Duo's voice sounded decidedly weak.

~~~~

"I'm beginning to think they've forgotten about me," Wufei muttered. "Halfway through the movie, and I haven't made an appearance!"

"And you're *complaining* about this?" Duo asked in disbelief.

"Ahh, there he is," Sally declared. "A sword-duel with Treize... well, they got that part right, at least."

"Hm. Lucky guess."

The background instrumentals thundered melodramatically as Wufie and Treis clashed swords. Wufie's blade flew out of his hands; an instant later, the other man's sword was beneath his chin, the sharp edge pressed to his throat.

"Finish the job," Wufie rasped, his voice and demeanor utterly fearless; the very portrait of the stoic warrior.

Outside the screen, Wufei screen smiled, leaning back in his chair. An aura of gloating hovered around him.

"I cannot," Treis replied, casting his blade aside. "I have loved you too long to end it like this! The war be damned...you are mine!" Leaning forward, he captured Wufie's face between his hands and subjected him to a hard, bruising kiss. Wufei's on-screen self did not seem to mind.

"Cuh-cuh-K'so...!" the real Wufei hissed out between gritted teeth. He'd developed a sudden nervous tic just below his right eye.

"Uhhh... wow. Guess I didn't have the only copy of those negatives."

"KISAMA!!"

Quatre blinked over at Wufei. "You didn't!"

Trowa read the Chinese boy's body language easily. "He did. Or rather, he and Trieze did."

Sally and Quatre wrapped their arms around a furiously struggling Wufei before he could get loose and do permanent damage to either one of the other pilots.

"Behave, Chang," Sally muttered. "We're all getting reamed here."

"Of course, I don't really have breasts."

"And I never kissed a Maganac. Well, not with intent, anyway."

"Can you sue these guys?"

"Not unless we want to admit to being Gundam pilots, Hilde."

"Might be worth it."

~~~~

"Mommy?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"Did you and Daddy really kiss like that?" He pointed up on screen where "Hirde" was pressed up against a captive Duex's chest.

~~~~

"Two and a half hours," muttered Heero, staring down at his watch. "How long can this thing be?"

"Relax, Heero. We're nearing the end."

The scene switched to Torowa in the cockpit of a Gundam, sailing through space. "At long last. I can return home to my beloved Cathy, and this war will be behind us forev..."

Seemingly out of nowhere, three Leos launched themselves at Heavyarms, peppering it with bullets. Screen-Trowa seized the controls. "Damn...out of ammo!" He wailed his lover's name as the Leos' cannons sliced through Heavy arms exterior, flinging him out into space, where he exploded in an utterly gratuitous display of gore. Quatre gaped at the screen, horrified. "They killed you!" he squeaked out. "They killed you, Trowa! Those bastards!"

"Relax, Quatre... I'm right here. See? I didn't really explode..."

"I think Quatre's a little sensitive about that," Heero pointed out. "Remember Zero-System?"

"I'm relieved, actually." Trowa sighed as Quatre snuggled against his side for comfort.

"Same here. I don't think I could take another scene of Barton being screwed by his sister." Duo ducked the knife that whizzed overhead.

~~~~

"Why is Uncle Heero kissing Daddy?"

"GEEZ-US, Heero! Is there anyone they don't pair you up with?!"

"No. I think 'you're' carrying 'my' child, Maxwell."

"UNGH!"

~~~~

"NOIN! How could I wind up marrying Miss Noin?" Quatre whimpered.

"At least I wound up marrying the right person," Duo sighed.

"Does this mean that Uncle Heero is really my Dad?"

"I need a hot shower," Trowa muttered.

"I need a gun."

Wufei was too busy copying down names as the credits rolled. There WOULD be justice.

Heero stood. "I have a mission for all of you. We must track down and destroy every copy of this... abomination."

"Agreed," Trowa said grimly.

"Aww, c'mon guys," Duo pleaded, standing up. "It wasn't *that* bad! In fact, I might just buy a copy when it comes out on video and give it to Relena as a birthday-present. I think she'd get a kick out of seeing..."

Duo ducked as he was bombarded by popcorn and gummy-bears from all sides before being chased back out to the roof.

END

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