"Yousha naku toki wa
Kizamitsuzukeru
Hashirukokoro
Osae arukitsuzukeru-
Even on days I cried I must live,
but I can't be strong, I should be.
Time continues to go by without mercy,
I suppress my rushing heart and go on walking."
-Amuro Namie, "Never End"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After Colony- 198
"Heero, goddamnit, where are you?"
I push the memory speed-dial button on my office cordless phone one more time and chew on my bottom lip while I wait. I am holding my speech in my hand, the one I am supposed to give to the L-5 sector representative in half an hour, but the words on the paper don't make sense to me. To say nothing of my memorizing it. All I can think about is him, and the insistent ringing of his phone on the other end.
I've been trying since he hung up on me at 3:45 in the morning and still no answer.
I was worried before, but now I am just extremely upset.
I groan in frustration and push the disconnect button. I have to keep trying. I shift back in my chair, lifting my legs up onto my desk, and cross them. The black slip-on heel on the foot of my crossed leg dangles from my toes; my skirt rides up higher on my thighs. My hair is a mess, pulled back into a loose bun, strands hanging in my face. I know I don't look anything like the dignified ambassador I am supposed to be, but I don't care. I shuffle the sheets of my speech in my hands absently and punch the speed-dial button again, violently this time.
The phone continues to ring on the other end. I wait, twisting a strand of my hair around my index finger impatiently.
"You are so lucky I haven't sent Wufei out to find you yet, Heero," I mutter. A light female laugh of amusement breaks me out of my obsessive concentration and I look up, lowering the speech from in front of my face.
"Maybe you really should make good on your threats this time, Miss Relena. If anyone can get Heero to wake up, it's definitely Wufei." I watch as Lucretzia Noin, my best friend and second-in-command of Preventer, crosses the room from the door and comes to stand in front of my desk. Her dark violet eyes travel over me and she lets out a low whistle.
"I certainly hope you're not going to meet the L-5 representative looking like that," she says, the corner of her mouth lifting in a smile. "But maybe if you went to see Heero like that..."
I laugh and pull my legs down, tugging my skirt back down as well. "Well, I'm glad to see /someone/ is in a good mood today," I reply. The phone continues to ring in my ear. I finally push the disconnect button and toss the useless phone onto my desk. I suppose I will just have to wait and hope he shows up.
Like I have always waited and hoped.
Noin comes around the side of the desk and pulls me into a hug. "Don't worry, Miss Relena. He knows how important this meeting is to you, and he knows that his squad needs him. And if I've ever known /anything/ about Heero Yuy, I know that he never lets a mission go uncompleted. He'll be here."
I hug her back and force a smile. "Thank you, Miss Noin," I say, doing my best to sound confident. "I'm sure you are right." But I cannot help feeling that something is wrong, and that that is why he isn't here yet. I don't tell Noin this.
Our conversation earlier this morning comes back to me: "I have to get the door... I'll see you later, Relena." Click. He wouldn't even answer me when I asked who it was. And he wouldn't pick up, /still/ isn't picking up, when I called him back.
I only hope he is alright.
Anne Une enters my office now, wearing an elegant blue suit with the Preventer insignia on her right arm- My assistant, and head of Preventer. She is wearing her glasses today, although her hair is down, and she looks much like the way I knew her before the end of the first war. Her face is hardened, concerned. She carries a cel phone in one hand and holds it up as she joins Noin and I at my desk. I smile tiredly at her.
"Have you been trying to reach Heero, too?" I ask, holding up my own phone.
"Yes," Miss Une replies, her tone sharp, almost harsh. "This isn't like him to be late. The squad has been waiting for him for almost two hours. It is a good thing I debriefed everyone quickly just now, otherwise our whole protection mission would be shot. There are over three hundred people present already for today's conference." She puts the phone back up to her ear, listens for a moment, then disconnects and snaps it shut disgustedly.
"I'm sure there is a good reason for his not being here," Noin says slowly. "And I am sure he isn't answering because he's on his way here right now."
I smile. Noin is almost as much of a peacemaker as I am.
Miss Une regards her coolly, arching one perfect eyebrow. "I certainly hope so, for his sake," she says. "Miss Relena, please inform Agent Yuy that he is to report to me as soon as he arrives. Or Lieutenant Noin, please." She nods once to both of us and leaves. Two older women carrying hair and makeup supplies enter after her. Noin turns to me with a smile.
"Good luck, Miss Relena," she says, reaching down to give my hand an affectionate squeeze. "And don't worry, he'll be here." She winks and leaves as well, leaving me to the other women.
I watch blankly in the mirror of the dressing room adjoining to my office as the women brush out my long hair, giving it a smooth golden shine, and begin to apply foundation to my face. Concealer is smoothed under my eyes, hiding the dark circles there. From not sleeping all night, I think, smiling almost bitterly.
Why the hell do I put up with him? Why have I /always/ put up with him?
He had made it perfectly clear from the moment we first met that he wanted nothing to do with me. He still shows that now sometimes, even though we've come to an understanding, I think.
But why do I put myself through all the grief that comes with Heero Yuy? Why do I find myself crying myself to sleep some nights, holding my pillow and wishing it were him? Why do I keep pretending that the reason he came back and joined Preventer, became the head of the squad that protects me and my people, is because, deep down, he loves me?
I answer that almost as quickly as the question comes into my mind.
Because /I/ love him. I have always loved him. And because I wish that he felt the same, hope that he /feels/ the same.
Because that will never change.
God, let him be alright.
The women finish with me quickly, making me up to perfection and lacing a sparkling diamond headband through my long, loose hair. I have only fifteen minutes to get down to the conference arena now.
I stand up and smooth down the short skirt of my black suit, fix the strap of the lacy black halter top under my suit jacket, and readjust the backs of the diamond drop earrings dangling from my ears. I cast a confident smile to my reflection. It looks forced, fake. I try it again.
A tall, slender male dressed in the charcoal-grey uniform of the Preventer sniper squad suddenly appears behind my own mirrored self, only the long, dark peaks of his hair visible in the shadows under his cap. One large, strong hand clamps down on my shoulder. I watch the sensuous mouth move slowly.
"Relena."
I turn around slowly, fighting back the urge to throw myself into his long, well-muscled arms and kiss him joyously. Thank God he is here, and that he is alright. I regard him nonchalantly instead, tilting my head in almost indifferent defiance.
"Hello, Heero. Nice of you to join us."
I refuse to let him see how worried I was.
I can try.
Heero lifts his head slightly. I can see the impossibly blue irises of his dark Prussian eyes glittering in the shadows now.
"Gomen nasai... For worrying you," he says, his tone remaining unaffected, unemotional, despite the glint of tenderness in those shadowy irises.
An apology. I live for this much.
"It's fine," I reply with a shrug, pushing my way past him quickly. I can't let him see how much he affects me, how quickly I have accepted his apology despite how angry and worried he made me.
How I am still the same little girl he met on the beach that day three years ago, infatuated and willing to do anything for him.
That will never change.
The hand on my shoulder slides down and grabs my hand before I can get all the way past him, pulling me back and turning me towards him. I let him pull me to his chest, gaze up into his face. We are almost the same height; I am just a bit shorter.
The anguish that tears at his handsome features surprises me, and I stifle a gasp. The Prussian eyes are rimmed in black, blacker than the circles that had been under my own eyes, and the whites are bloodshot. His jaw is set, the muscles working as if he is trying to say something. His face is pale, exhausted. I reach up to caress the long bangs from between those haunted eyes but he stops me, squeezing my hand almost painfully.
"I have to talk to you, Relena," he finally speaks. "Later." He squeezes my other hand now, the one he grabbed before I could leave the dressing room.
"Find me."
I watch in silence as Heero turns away from me, his fingers lingering slightly over mine for a moment before he finally exits the room.
I knew something was wrong.
Downstairs, Miss Une calls for me. The car is ready to take me over to the conference arena. I have only five minutes now. I hear her talking to Heero now, her voice slightly raised in carefully controlled anger.
Heero's eyes are the only thing I see as I walk down the stairs and out to the car, my speech waving limply in the breeze.
Something is always wrong.
~*~
I sip champagne absently, the slightly bitter, slightly saccharine taste sliding smoothly down my throat, numbing the sick feeling in my stomach. I hold up the crystal glass to the bright yellow light emanating from the huge chandelier hanging from the ceiling of the grand ballroom at my private estate, watching as the light catches the crystal and makes rainbow patterns in the air before my eyes.
I am oblivious to the happy chatter and laughter of the throng of guests around me, the excitement that I, too, should be feeling at the success of the conference with the L-5 representative. Everyone has come up to congratulate me- even Wufei, although grumbling and with Lieutenant Sally Po latched onto his arm, pinching him into giving me a compliment about my speech, and my brother, Zechs Merquise, making a rare public appearance for Noin's sake- but still I can't think about any of it.
His eyes are still on my mind.
Something is wrong.
I smile, bitterly. I don't think I can remember a time throughout my whole attatchment to Heero that something /wasn't/ wrong. Even a few months back, when we ended up sharing a hotel room on L-3 and slept together for the first time, I could sense something was wrong. It was wonderful, though- He was so strong and passionate, his thrusts long and methodic; his hands, his mouth, his cock, all over my body, were gentle, touching and tasting everything, as if he worshipped me, as if I would disappear if he didn't touch me everywhere, with everything. But the entire time, I had the strangest feeling that he wasn't really seeing me, that although his body was with me, his mind was somewhere else entirely. And when it was over, he looked down at me, caressed me with a hand dripping with our come, made me taste ourselves. Then he tasted us... And his eyes changed, hardening almost. He pulled out after that and went to sleep without a word.
It was like that almost every time we made love after that night. As if I were someone else...
Someone else.
I almost drop my champagne glass at this realization. Someone at his door earlier this morning, someone he wouldn't tell me about, someone who was obviously more important to him than I was. Why he was late to the conference...
Someone else.
I place my glass on a nearby table and sink into the chair beside it. I suppose I should have expected this. After all, Heero doesn't love me. We don't even have a friendship, much less a relationship. I don't know what we have. And it doesn't matter.
I refuse to let it matter to me.
I can try.
I pour myself another glass of champagne and sip it slowly. The music from the orchestra in the far left corner of the ballroom floats around me, as do the beautifully dressed couples waltzing on the dance floor. I watch them absently, as if they are in slow-motion, over the rim of my glass.
I wonder who this person is, the one who seems to have captured the unbreakable Heero Yuy so completely, to have broken him finally, shattering the wall he always kept between himself and the rest of the world... and me. I wonder if he would even tell me who it is.
His words from earlier echo through my mind again: "I have to talk to you... Find me."
He wants to tell me.
I cast a languid glance up at the sprawling marble balustrade overlooking the ballroom, up near the chandelier. I can see the sharp, chiseled outline of a tall, svelte figure hovering in the shadows. I know he is up there, watching me. Waiting.
Heero.
I down another glass of the sweet, pungent liquid before finally getting up and starting towards the stairs. Luckily, no one notices me. They are too wrapped up in recounting the success of today's conference and congratulating the L-5 party on joining our United Nation. Too busy having fun, enjoying peace.
I know I won't be able to feel any kind of peace until I finish with Heero. I know tonight will be the end of it, whatever we had together. I can feel it.
I never want to say good-bye, though.
But I can try.
I climb the long, twisting staircase slowly, holding onto the railing for support. My legs feel weak, shaky. I think maybe I have drunk too much, but I don't care. Maybe being a bit under the influence, a bit uninhibited, will make this easier to do.
Heero doesn't move from the shadows as I finally reach the top, but rather walks to the edge of them, his face still shrouded in the darkness beneath his uniform cap. He doesn't say anything when I straighten my shoulders, still hanging onto the railing, and finally speak.
"You don't have to worry about telling me anything, Heero. I have already figured it all out."
I cast him my best defiant rich-girl smile, the one I always used to give the newspaper and television cameras that used to follow my father, the former Vice Foreign Minister, and me around all the time. The one that basically said, "I really don't give a shit."
"I really don't give a shit," I say out loud, stepping towards him. I can tell he doesn't believe me, and my stilletto heel catching under my foot, causing me to stumble more than step towards him, doesn't help either. Heero finally comes out of the shadows and catches me in his arms; I just lean against him, ungracefully crushed against his chest, my long hair tangling in his fingers where he holds me.
"I don't, Heero," I repeat, rambling now. I want to stop, but somehow I can't. I can feel the tears beginning to well in my eyes, blurring my vision. "I don't care who it is, or why. I know you never loved me anyway, and you never will, so it doesn't matter who you care about now. It shouldn't, it shouldn't..."
I keep repeating myself, the tears falling freely now, and my hands clench into fists at my sides, rising up uncontrollably to pummel at his chest, his shoulders, hard. I am not myself anymore. But maybe I am.
Maybe I can finally let this go.
Heero lets me punch him, over and over again. I know it doesn't hurt him, but I can't stop. So he lets me, gazing down into my face blankly, emotionlessly, the way he always does. But his eyes are different still- The tinges of green and hazel laced into the Prussian blue are more apparent now, making his eyes look like the ocean on a stormy night.
He feels something. Maybe not love, but /something/.
I live for this much.
Heero's arms finally unwind from around my body, and he takes my fists in his large hands and surprisingly gently restrains them back down at my sides. The tears continue to trickle down my cheeks, marring my perfect makeup and sticking to the loose strands of hair that have fallen down from the pins holding them. I just stand there, staring up at him, still supported by his arms, my heels dangling from my feet.
I have never felt more like a little girl than I do now, crying shamelessly and unable to stand on my own two feet. But then, Heero has always had this effect on me. He is the only one who has ever been able to break me, to bring me to my knees, to expel all the evil inside me and leave me clean, new. I only wish I could do the same for him.
"You're drunk, Relena," he says simply. I start laughing, knowing he is right. I am still crying, though, laughing crazily through my tears. Below us, the orchestra begins another waltz. The music seems louder now, as if trying to drown out my sorrow. Heero takes me swiftly, my heels falling completely off my feet, and begins to move with me, slowly, holding me as if I were some precious, fragile object.
We are waltzing.
I suppose it has always been easier for us to talk this way, anyway. I can still remember the first real conversation we ever had, back when we were both fifteen and he was going to my prep school. The spring dance... Our first waltz.
I let him take me, leaning my head against his shoulder and letting the tears subside. After a long moment, I finally muster up enough strength to ask him.
"So, did you want to tell me who it is?"
Heero is silent for a while, his body tensing under my hands. So it won't be that easy for him after all, I think, a small smile curving my lips. I'm glad for that much.
Still, I need to know.
"Hilde Schbeiker."
I almost want to stop dancing at his words but he keeps going, and I know we have to. It's the only way we'll be able to talk, without him running away. He always runs away.
"Hilde..." I repeat slowly, running her name over my tongue, testing it on my lips. Hilde and Heero.
Hilde Schbeiker. My friend, although I only see her but maybe twice a year. She is always so busy, running her scrap yard business and running around with Duo...
Duo Maxwell. Heero's supposed best friend.
I raise my face to his finally. "Hilde," I say again. "Isn't she with Duo?"
Heero stays silent, emotionless.
Hilde and Duo. I know that I am right. I just saw them, last week. I had gone into a lingerie shop downtown after work to find a bustier to go under my evening dress for tonight, and they were there.
I remember seeing them. I was on my way into the dressing room when I noticed a couple making out passionately up against the mirror outside of the dressing rooms. The girl was pushed up on the mirror, her arms wrapped around the neck of a much taller braided boy and her long, bare legs wrapped around his hips. She was wearing the shortest little white skirt I had ever seen, and it was pushed up, the braided boy working his hand down the back of her tiny panties. He was working his erection into her and they were moaning through their kisses.
"Mmm, harder, Duo..."
"Hilde-baby..."
As if I wouldn't have recognized that messy, waist-length chestnut braid anyway. They caught me smiling at them and looked up. Hilde saw me first and waved excitedly, jumping down from Duo's grasp and pushing her skirt and tank top back down. We hugged, chatted for a little. She looked absolutely gorgeous. I have always been a twinge envious of her, such a tight little body, so thin, but still curvaceous. The German in her, I guessed. To say nothing of the fact that she had been a soldier, that she had been able to do something for peace besides sit at a table with a bunch of old men and talk. Deep down, I always wish I could have done something like that.
We had been talking for only a few moments before Duo dragged her away, his hands still attatched to her seductive hips, working their way back under that little skirt. Hilde held up the tiniest black lace merry widow I had ever seen and said something about "trying it on" before Duo finally scooped her up into his arms and tossed her into a dressing room. He stuck his head out and winked at me, gave me an invitation to join them if I wanted, and then disappeared at the slender arm that jerked him inside, slamming the door shut behind them. I just laughed. I could hear them still going at it when I finally left the shop.
Hilde. She is already so lucky.
And what about Duo? I ask this question out loud.
Heero is still silent, his eyes downcast as if he is thinking. I wait for him. I know he has probably thought about this himself.
Still, I need to know.
"Hilde is telling him," he finally replies, still not meeting my gaze. I just nod.
I can tell he doesn't really want to talk about this, and deep down, I don't think I do, either. So I don't press him for details, don't ask how it happened, or why, or how long. Maybe one day I will get up enough courage to ask Hilde. She might tell me.
I am not angry with her, even though now I know that she is the one who holds Heero's affections, the affections I was never able to really attain. She is still my friend, after all. And if she makes Heero happy, I think she deserves to be with him. /He/ deserves to be happy for once.
I just wonder about Duo, though. I keep seeing them in the lingerie shop just last week, so happy and so completely in love it would make anyone else sick. Hilde didn't even ask me about Heero then. I wonder how he feels about all of this...
But I suppose we both have to let it go.
We can try.
I change the subject now. "So, do you plan to stay with Preventer?" I know that he sees Duo often here. I hope he will stay anyway. I need him.
I will always need him.
Heero finally meets my eyes once again, and I can tell he is grateful that I did not ask him any more about Hilde or their relationship. I know this isn't sudden- It isn't like Heero to just up and decide something as important as love. It took him a whole year to decide to join Preventer. I know that whatever happened with Hilde must have happened long ago, maybe even before me.
I have to smile. I know Heero almost as well as I know myself. We have never needed any words, though he speaks now.
"That is also what I wanted to talk to you about," he says. "I don't think I will be coming back after tonight."
I should have expected those words, but still they hurt. The tears come back to my eyes and I look away quickly, hoping he won't see. I can't believe sometimes that after all these years, I still do not want him to know how he affects me.
Deep down, though, I know that he knows, has /always/ known.
It is what makes him feel for me, understand me. But not love me.
Heero lifts my chin gently with his knuckles, making me face him. The tears begin to fall freely once again and this time I don't try to hide them. He holds me closer as we continue to dance. The music is never ending, seeming to carry us on its endless melody, through this endless night.
Never end...
"You can do this without me, Relena," Heero says softly, bending his head to speak into my ear over the music. "You have done this much without me... The war has been over for two years. I am not needed here anymore."
I shake my head fervently, unable to let myself believe what he is saying, although I know he is right. "But /I/ need you, Heero," I reply, mentally berating myself at how desperate and childish I sound. "I need you here, beside me. Only that much, that is all I ask..." I bury my face in his chest, rub my cheek against the surprisingly soft gray material of his uniform. I continue to speak, unable to stop myself once again. I have to do this.
"Every night, every day, I think about you, wishing that you could see how much you mean to me, wishing that you could love me. But I know now that that is a stupid dream, a childish desire, because no one can make anyone love them.
"But I can't just let you go that easily, Heero. I need you here with me, just right here, beside me. You don't have to love me, you don't even have to care. I just need to know that you believe in me, that you support me, that you believe in me enough to stay." I let myself just cry now, into the rock-hard strength of his chest.
I have said it. I have finally said it all.
Heero is silent again, letting me cry into him. We continue to waltz. His hands are gentle on me, beginning a slow caressing of my bare back. Soothing me. Finally, when I control my tears enough to look back up at him, he speaks.
"You are strong, Relena. And I do believe in you. I have always believed in you. And I will support you." He runs almost teasing fingertips up my back and around to my face, smoothing back a long, loose strand of hair. "But I have to put this behind me, everything that ever had to do with the war... I have to start over. But I will always protect you, no matter what..." He continues to stroke my cheek with the back of his hand, almost lovingly, his intense blue gaze affectionate.
Below us, the waltz is ending.
I thought it would never end.
I straighten myself in his arms, moving away from him so that I am not supported by his strong body anymore. I am going to have to learn to stand on my own two feet, completely this time.
"Where will you go?" I ask, keeping my voice nonchalant. Back to being the confident, cool Vice Foreign Minister Darlian. I am going to have to learn to push Relena, the little girl who loves Heero Yuy, far into the back of my mind.
I can try.
"Heero Yuy is dead," he replies, almost wistfully, his gaze focusing on the emptiness behind me. "He is not needed anymore. I will go where he is not known, was never known."
"With Hilde?" I have to ask. He stays silent, inclines his head meaningfully.
I nod slowly, once. I understand, although he will always be Heero Yuy to me, and somehow, a part of him will always belong to me. "Will you tell me what your name is now? So that I know who to thank for this waltz tonight." He meets my gaze, surprised at my weak attempt at humor, and I smile. I have to stay uninvolved, uncaring.
I can try.
Heero crushes me against his chest now, wordlessly, without warning, and buries his face in my hair. He always loved my hair. I hug him back, just as tightly, and press my cheek into his chest, shutting my eyes tight against the tears I can feel coming. The music is dying down. I feel his breath against my ear, warm and moist.
"You can call me Odin Lowe, Jr.," he whispers. "That was my real name." He squeezes me tighter now, silencing my reply, and I know he doesn't want me to say anything. Not now, not ever.
I won't. I just hold him.
We stay like this, crushed against each other in a final embrace, until the last strings of the waltz finally fade into the cold night air. Heero's lips move slowly from my ear to brush against my lips in an almost-kiss. I make no move to fully kiss him. I have to go on without him.
He is right. I can be strong.
"You are beautiful, Lena," he whispers. "You will always be beautiful."
He lets me go now and turns, without another word. I watch him walk back into the shadows of the balustrade, wanting to call out for him, but unable to. I don't want him to look back anyway.
Without an ending, it can never end.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~