Prologue:

//Light a candle,
Lay flowers at the door
For those who're left behind
And the ones who've gone before
Here it comes now,
Sure as silence follows rain
The taste of you upon my lips
The fingers in my brain
Every gentle, as it kills me
where I lay.
Who am I to resist?
Who are you to fail?

Got to get you out
of my mind,
But I can't escape from the feeling.
As I try to leave the memory behind
Without you what's left to
believe in?

Could be so sorry,
for the way it had to go
But now I feel your presence
in a way I could not know
And I wonder,
do you ever feel the same?
In whispering darkness,
do you ever hear my name?//
(Out of My Mind ~ Duran Duran)

***

The half-empty whiskey bottle wobbled as Duo put it back down on the table. He stared at it for a while... watching it tremble and listening to the music trickle through his half-soaked brain. The bottle lost the war with gravity and toppled over, spilling its liquid contents across the wood surface and onto the floor.

"Shit." He said quietly, but he made no move to clear it up. As he watched some of the alcohol soaked the edges of the small card that was responsible for the existence of the whiskey. Duo moved slowly forward and, with shaking fingers, he plucked up the card and stared at it.

The card was small and had scalloped edges. The simple lettering flowed across the surface, and he gently traced the embossed lettering and murmuring the words to himself.

"You are... cordially invited... to the wedding of Heero Yuy and..." He choked slightly. "Hilde... Schbeiker..."

But it wasn't really those words that hurt the most. What Duo found painful was Hilde's little message at the bottom, the one that reiterated her words to him of two months ago: *'We've shared to much to sever all ties... I don't want to lose your friendship, Duo.'*

"You lied to me, Hildey," Duo whispered harshly. "You said my hurt would lessen... you _lied_!"

The door to Duo's apartment suddenly flew open and slammed against the wall. Startled he. "Oh... hi, Princess..."

"Where have you BEEN?" Relena Darlian demanded as she walked inside. "The Conference started and you were supposed to be..." her angry words trailed away as she took in Duo's haunted face and the spilled whiskey. Her eyes softened and she bit her lip. "Duo... what happened?"

Duo held up the soggy invitation. "The mail arrived jus' as I was leavin'." He told her. "There was this lil invitation."

"I didn't realise that it would get here so soon..." She whispered.

Duo pushed himself to his feet and regarded her, swaying slightly. "You _knew_ already!" He accused her.

Relena nodded slowly. "Dorothy called and told me yesterday that they had set a date."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Relena flipped her long pony-tail back and fixed him with a hard look. "Because I knew you'd hit the roof!" She pointed to the whiskey bottle. "Duo... you're drunk! You've been drinking since you opened that invitation haven't you?!"

Duo glowered at her and turned away. "I'm _not_ drunk." He insisted and promptly walked into the wall instead of through the doorway to his bedroom.

Relena's lips twitched. "Sure, you're not."

Duo rolled off the wall and into his bedroom, mumbling expletives as he went.

Relena sighed. The past two months had been very hard on Duo. He did his duty as a bodyguard for Relena, but there was no life in his eyes. At first Relena offered him a shoulder to cry on and listen patiently to his wild ranting about Heero and Hilde. However, even Relena had her limits and she started to get angry with Duo and told him so. Strangely enough, this seemed to pull Duo out of his self-imposed gloom. In the last week his old humour started to return and from all appearances he was beginning to accept his life and the prospect of Heero and Hilde together.

"But it only takes one little thing to bring reality crashing down on you." Relena murmured. She sighed again and grabbed a cloth from the kitchen to start mopping up the spilled whiskey. She dabbed gingerly at the carpet, wrinkling her nose as the fumes assaulted her. "Ugh... this place is going to smell like a still!"

"Well, we won't be around to worry about it for the next few days."

Relena looked up and saw Duo slouching in his bedroom doorway. He looked slightly sheepish and was fiddling with his braid.

Standing up, Relena folded her arms. "Does this mean that you _want_ to go to the wedding?" She asked cautiously.

Duo slouched even further. "It's not a question of wanting to go," he said. "But I think that I _should_ go. Maybe this wedding will be the thing that gives me a kick up the rear and helps me move on."

*Or causes you even more pain* Relena thought and frowned. "Well, you might be right."

Duo crossed over to her and pulled her hands into his. He looked intently into her face. "Oi, oi... you _were_ intending to go, right? I'm not pushing you into something you don't want to do?"

"Oh... yes, I'm going," she told him quickly. "You know it's different for me, Duo. Heero and I never... committed ourselves like you and Hilde did."

"Yeah, but you still love him." Duo said and Relena winced at his use of the present tense. "Relena... " Duo squeezed her hands, headless of the wet cloth she held. "You've been a real friend, and I don't know if I can ever pay you back..."

"I don't want payment!" Relena said firmly. "Duo, I _want_ to help you!" She attempted to lighten the mood by smiling slightly and joking. "Besides, I'm doing everyone a big favour by keeping the God of Death from going on a rampage!"

Duo grinned at her use of his old name. "Yeah, well... if you only knew how many nights I've dreamt of going up against Heero in Deathscythe and..." he coughed and stopped as Relena's eyebrows shot up. "Er... yeah... well..."

Relena's eyes searched his. "Do you still hate him that much?" She asked softly.

Duo didn't answer but his eyes spoke eloquently.

"Duo..." Relena took in a deep breath and let it out slowly before proceeding. "You and Heero used to be so close... perhaps while you're mending the bridges between you and Hilde, you could give some thought to closing the gulf between you and Heero?"

Duo was silent and then he sighed. "I-I don't know if that's possible..."

"Can't you try?" Relena pushed him. "You both shared so much, and you were friends despite your differences. Surely you don't want to let that go?"

"I don't know." Duo repeated. He shrugged. "Maybe when I stop wanting to smash his face in when I see him THEN we could... communicate."

Relena dropped the subject. She had done her best and planted the idea in Duo's mind. The rest was up to him... and Heero.

Part One

***
Got to get you out
of my mind,
But I can't escape from the feeling.
As I try to leave the memory behind
Without you what's left to
believe in?
(Out of My Mind ~ Duran Duran)
***

Heero sat bolt upright on his chair and tried to looked calm. This was not easy as his insides were churning with a sensation he had hardly ever encountered... he was nervous.

"Stop pulling at your tie." His best man scolded him. "It will come undone... _again_."

Heero quickly moved his hand away from his collar, he had not been aware that he was showing any outward signs of his inner turmoil. "It's tight." He said shortly.

Wufei shot him a disbelieving look, but said nothing. However, Quatre laughed. "Isn't that the common complaint of all grooms?" He asked.

Trowa shrugged slightly. "Only Wufei could confirm." He said.

The Chinese man's expression was superior. "I was not nervous." He said loftily. "I knew _exactly_ what I was doing."

Heero barely listened to his friends as he once more began to dwell on his wedding. The road leading to this day had been fraught with emotion over the last two months. Several times he had considered halting the plans and putting the date off, but Hilde always insisted that they go through with the wedding as they had planned six months ago. Heero rubbed the back of his neck. It wasn't that he didn't want to marry Hilde... he did. He knew that he loved her with everything he had and that she returned his feelings, but neither of them could completely dismiss the two other people who had been most hurt by their engagement. Heero's eyes darkened. As much as he disliked the thought, he couldn't help thinking that everything would have been much easier if Duo had just stayed _dead_.

Someone moved into his line of vision and he glanced up to see Lady Une before him. She smiled, but there was worry in her eyes and she looked briefly over her shoulder before speaking.

"Heero, you have some visitors..."

He looked past her and his eyes widened.

"Hey Heero, old pal, buddy!" Duo's smile was wide and almost manic and his violet eyes sparked with an emotion close to anger. Beside him, Relena was calm and composed, but her eyes flicked over to Duo frequently and there was concern in their depths.

"Duo..." Heero breathed. "Why are you here?"

"I was invited." Duo flourished the wedding invitation. "So I decided the drop by and offer my congratulations." He said in a bitter tone.

Trowa, Quatre and Wufei all glanced uneasily at each other and Lady Une's eyes flashed between the two men. Relena stepped forward and smiled at Heero. "I really hope you'll both be happy." She said sincerely.

"Oh I'm sure they will be, Relena." Duo bared his teeth at Heero. "Like two little lovebirds cooing in a nest."

Heero's eyes narrowed. "What are you trying to do, Duo?"

"Me, do anything?" Duo's expression was all innocence. "I'm just being a _good_ friend." The snarl was back in his voice. "Just like you were, Heero."

Relena moved sharply then, jabbing her elbow into Duo's ribs. He yelped and turned to her. "What the hell was that for?"

"Is this what you call good behaviour?" She demanded. "You should be over this spoilt baby act by now."

For a minute it looked as if Duo was going to protest, but he met Relena's eyes and his expression turned to one of guilt. He cleared his throat and looked back at Heero. "So... where's Hilde?"

"Getting ready." Heero said shortly. He shot Duo one of his forbidding glares. "Don't you dare upset her."

Duo's shoulders slumped slightly. "Why would I want to upset her? I just want... to see her... say goodby... good luck." He amended.

*You already said goodbye to her* Heero thought *Why do you want to upset her more?* He was going to object further when Relena caught his eye. She smiled encouragingly, indicating that she would keep Duo in line. "Then you should go." Heero told Duo. "The ceremony starts in fifteen minutes."

There was a short and acutely uncomfortable silence. Duo ran his fingers through his fringe and toyed briefly with his shoulder-length braid. "Right." He said. He glanced at the other men and managed a slight smile. "I'll see you guys later."

"You're staying for the ceremony?" Quatre blurted.

Duo's smile turned into an almost wicked grin. "I wouldn't miss it!" He said in parting as he walked out of the door.

Relena sighed. "I'm sorry." She said. "I should have known..." She stopped and shook her head. "I'm sorry," she repeated and then smiled at Heero, a sad yet gracious tilt of her lips. "Good luck, Heero."

Heero stared at the door for quite a while after she had left, while his friends muttered behind him and Une watched him closely. "Heero?"

He glanced at her. "I didn't expect them to come." He said. "Relena, perhaps, but not Duo. Not so soon."

"Perhaps he thought it would help." Une suggested.

Heero frowned and said nothing. Perhaps... but Duo was obviously still in pain and striking out at the nearest targets. Heero clenched his fists. If Duo hurt Hilde...

In the corridor outside, Relena startled Duo by turning on him and shoving him against the wall. "You did it again, Duo." She said, her tone equally disappointed and angry. "You lost control."

"Rel..."

She didn't let him get her name out. "I'm not going to let you take on step further, until you pull yourself together! I refuse to witness a repeat scene with Hilde!"

Pain shot through Duo's eyes. "I said I wouldn't hurt Hilde and I meant it."

Relena sighed. "Yes Duo, I know... but sometimes your emotions get the better of your brain." She smiled up at him. "Duo, I know that you're not the fool some people believe you to be, please don't let your mouth run away when we go to see Hilde?"

"I'll play nice." Duo promised and then stared at her intently. "What about you? Are you _sure_ that you want to come with me?"

"Like I said before, someone needs to keep you under control." Relena's tones were light, but under Duo's gaze her expression saddened. "Yes, Duo... it hurts, but I'm a politician, I know how to smile sweetly and hide the pain inside. Hilde will only get good wishes from me."

Without warning, Duo moved and embraced her. He held her close, his cheek against her hair. "I'm sorry, 'Lena."

Relena recovered from her surprise and smiled into the hollow of his neck. "Sorry is easy to say, Duo. Try to put your regret into actions."

He released her, his old quirky smile back in place. "Yes, Ms Vice-Foreign Minister!"

***

Hilde Schbeiker swallowed as the pearls were clasped around her throat. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest, almost threatening to burst from her chest. She couldn't believe how nervous she was feeling, after all, she _wanted_ this wedding, wanted it with all her heart.

"Don't worry, Hilde." Sally's long fingers rested on her bare shoulders. "It's natural to be nervous on your wedding day."

Hilde glanced at the older woman. "So nervous that you feel sick?" She asked and Sally nodded. Hilde put a hand to her stomach. "Well... I hope it goes away before the ceremony."

"Yeah," Catherine Bloom laughed. "I don't think Heero would appreciate his bride being sick through the ceremony!"

"Laugh all you can Cathy," Sophy Winner, one of Quatre's numerous sisters, smirked. "Soon it might be you standing where Hilde is now and trying not to be sick with nerves!"

Catherine blushed slightly as the other women laughed. In this atmosphere of good will, Hilde felt her nerves dissipate and she began to look forward to the wedding ceremony in a better state of mind.

Sally finished styling Hilde's hair and gently put the veil in place. "I'll tell you one thing, ladies," she said, her blue eyes sparkling with humour. "Wedding nerves are _nothing_ compared to morning sickness!" She patted her huge stomach with a wry smile.

"Or swollen ankles?" Sophy grinned up at Sally who rolled her eyes.

"Let's just say, I'm going to be happy when this month is over." She commented. "I..."

Sally was cut off by a knock at the door which opened to admit two familiar people. Hilde let out a little gasp of surprise. "Relena... Duo..."

Sally looked at Catherine and Sophy and they nodded. "Nice to see you, Relena... Duo." Sally said with a smile. "But I think it would be better if we left you alone?"

Relena shot Sally a grateful look. "Yes... if... Hilde doesn't mind..."

Mutely Hilde shook her head. Duo smiled at Sally. "Congratulations on getting Wu-man down the aisle, Sally." He said. "How long before the baby's due?"

"One month." Sally replied. She held Duo's eyes with her own as she passed him. "Be nice, Duo." She murmured softly. "Please."

Duo nodded and waited until the three women had left. Hilde shook herself out of her paralysis and moved forward, her hands outstretched. "Duo! I didn't think you'd come... but... I'm so happy that you did!" She hugged him.

Faced with such a greeting, all the vindictive words and angry feelings fled out of Duo. Slowly his arms lifted and encircled her tiny frame in the white satin dress. "I couldn't miss your wedding, Hilde." He said softly. "Even if I'm not the star attraction."

She looked up at him, a slight frown at his words, but saw nothing except gentle teasing in his face. "I was afraid that you'd still be too hurt..." She moved back and glanced at Relena. "Both of you..."

Relena's smile was genuine. "Hilde... I made my peace a while ago, all I hope is that you'll be happy."

"I _am_ happy." Hilde insisted. "Even more so now that you two are here!" She looked back at Duo. "Have you... seen Heero?" She asked, a little tremor in her voice.

Duo's jaw tightened. Thinking about Heero made the bad feelings return again. It had been easy when Hilde hugged him to imagine that she was all dressed up for him... or some faceless stranger who Duo had no connections with. "I... saw him."

The happiness left Hilde's face. "Duo, you didn't..."

"I'll see you at the ceremony." He said abruptly and fled out of the door, nearly crashing into Catherine and Sophy

"Duo!" Hilde cried after him. She turned to Relena. "What happened? What did Duo do to Heero?"

"Nothing!" Relena hastily reassured the other woman. "Duo just... acted up a little... we left before things got out of hand."

Hilde turned away. "I shouldn't have invited him."

"He would have been even more hurt if you hadn't." Relena said softly. "At least this way he has to face facts." She swallowed. "I hope you and Heero will be happy, Hilde, I really do."

"Thank you." Hilde whispered. "Relena?"

Relena halted at the door. "Yes?"

"I'm sorry that we hurt you too."

Relena smiled. "Don't worry about it..." She said as she slipped away, leaving Hilde to her thoughts.

Part Two

***
Got to get you out
of my mind,
But I can't escape from the feeling.
As I try to leave the memory behind
Without you what's left to
believe in?
(Out of My Mind ~ Duran Duran)
***

It didn't take Relena long to find Duo, although she heard him long before she saw him. He was outside the chapel, hitting the wall repeatedly as he swore violently, matching the pace of his strike. Relena stood a little away from him and waited until he became aware of her presence. He turned and stared at her, his violet eyes wet with tears that he refused to shed.

"I screwed up again." Duo said heavily. "Is Hilde..."

"I said that you didn't do anything to Heero... she'll be fine." Relena said. "But Duo, perhaps you should go back to the hotel."

He shook his head. "I'm going to see this thing through, Relena."

She wanted to tell him he was crazy, that he was only forcing more pain on his overburdened soul, but in some twisted way Relena understood his actions. The first couple of months after Heero and Hilde had told her of their engagement she had forced herself to see them. She still recalled the pain in her heart and the hideously long and uncomfortable silences that frequently occurred. It was only later, after she had pulled back and thrown herself in her work, that she began to deaden the pain. So, Relena understood Duo's painful desire to attend the wedding, she was probably the only one who could.

"Very well," Relena looked at the entrance to the chapel. "If we're going to attend then we should get moving. The ceremony starts soon."

Duo went slightly white around the jaw, but he nodded. "Right." He rubbed his scraped knuckles. "I'll... take a seat at the back."

"So will I."

He stared at her. "Relena, you don't have to..."

She regarded him coolly. "Perhaps I want to, Duo. Have you thought of that?"

Duo's face was sheepish. "I'm being a selfish jerk, Relena. Sure, let's sit there together."

Her smile returned, slightly sad but also vaguely amused. "Just like the old saying, misery loves company."

Duo laughed. "And this misery couldn't have asked for better." He offered her his arm. "Ms Darlian?"

She took up the offer. "Thank you, Mr Maxwell."

***

The wedding ceremony was very simple. Heero and Hilde had agreed that they wanted a quiet wedding with just a few friends in attendance. Since neither had any family, Hilde was escorted down the aisle by Rashid of the Maguanac corps. She wore a very plain, white satin wedding dress and carried some pale yellow roses. A string of pearls encircled her neck and a delicate veil
was fixed on her black hair.

Duo's breath caught in his throat as she walked past him. Yes, he had seen her earlier in this dress, but somehow it was different now watching her. There was a glow on her face that turned her from a pretty woman into a beautiful one, but Duo was painfully aware that someone else was responsible for that glow.

That person stood by the minister with Wufei. Dressed in a dark navy tuxedo, his unruly brown hair tamed, Heero looked extremely handsome... and obviously happy. His eyes met Hilde's as she approached and they turned to face the minister.

Duo exhaled harshly. He knew this scene... but it was different from the fantasies he had indulged in while he worked on escaping the mines. *I was a fool...* he thought *I should've told Hilde... asked her to marry me _before_ I left.* But would it have made a difference? He couldn't help wondering whether Heero and Hilde would have fallen in love no matter what Duo might have said. *Would we be in the same situation, but with more guilt to carry between us?*

He glanced over at Relena and saw she was staring straight ahead, her eyes firmly fixed on the bridal couple. Relena's strength awed him, no, _shamed_ him. Relena had not lived with Heero and she was never sure that he held her in the same regard that she held him, but that didn't make her pain any less than Duo's. Yet Relena was doing her best to remain a friend to Heero and Hilde, to support them and ease the tension that had developed in the wake of Duo's return. He reached across and took her hand, squeezing it gently, trying to convey in the gesture what he couldn't put into words. She glanced at him and he saw a watery sheen in her eyes, but her lips curved gently and she nodded.

*How strange,* Duo thought *Of all of the pilots I talk the most, but when it comes to expressing my feelings I have no words... Or I just say the wrong thing.* He recalled, with a wince, the way he had yelled at Hilde after she had risked her life to get Libra's data. *Would it have killed me to say thank you?* He questioned himself *She could've died, and the last thing she would hear was 'You stupid idiot!'*

The minister spoke up now, asking if there were any objections to the union. There was a short, profound silence and all the guests seemed to be holding their breath and waiting. Duo bit down on his tongue. He refused to screw up again. After what seemed like an age, the minister completed the ceremony.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife."

That short sentence was like a death knell to the last of Duo's vague hopes. As Heero and Hilde moved towards each other to seal their union, he closed his eyes, not wanting to see even though his traitorous brain threw taunting images at him. Relena's hand was an anchor to sanity and he didn't realise how hard he was holding it until she gasped in pain. He started to release her hand, but she grasped him, holding him equally as tightly. They sat in the darkness as the bridal couple left and the other guests exited. Neither said a word.

***

Like the wedding, the reception was intended to be a simple affair. However Quatre got a little carried away after offering to organise it and the event was now taking place in the ball room of a huge yacht. Duo's jaw dropped to his chest as they walked in.

"Holy crap!" He muttered. "I can hardly believe that we're on a boat!"

Relena, who was used to this sort of thing, laughed at his astonishment. "It's a beautiful set-up." She looked at the band, the waiters, the tables groaning with food and the huge 15 tier wedding cake. "Quatre's out-done himself."

They noticed Sally waving at them and approached her. The blond woman was ensconced on a comfortable chair with a glass of water in her hand. Noticing Relena looking at the glass, Sally grinned. "No alcohol allowed." She explained. "Along with a bunch of other things which makes baby do flips."

Relena giggled briefly. "Are you going to have a binge after the baby's born, Sally?"

Sally sighed. "Probably not, I'll be too busy being a Mama." She looked at Duo and her expression grew serious. "Tell me, Duo Maxwell, are you a secret masochist?"

Duo choked. "Wh-what?" he wheezed. "No!"

"You could have fooled me," Sally raised an eyebrow. "The way you are making yourself suffer here."

"I was invited." Duo said. "Hilde wanted me to come."

"True, true... but is it really necessary to keep twisting the knife?" Sally's eyes were filled with concern. "Duo... we can all see you're hurting, and no one blames you, but surely you've done enough for today?"

Duo frowned. "I said that I would see this through, and I intend to do that. I can handle this just fine..." He stopped as Heero and Hilde walked into the room and their appearance turned him into a liar.

*I don't think I've ever see Heero so relaxed* Relena thought with a pang. All the sappy stories about newlyweds being in a world of their own was true here. With a little sigh, Relena let go completely, burying the regrets and sorrow, and accepting the situation.

Duo, on the other hand...

Hilde's smiling mouth, her head tilted to look up at Heero, the loving way her fingers twined in his, and Heero's answering smile stabbed Duo anew. "I think..." He said faintly. "That you're right, Sally." He looked at Relena and gave her a bitter smile as he saw the acceptance in her eyes. "I take it you're staying?"

She nodded. "I'll see you later, Duo?"

"Yeah... later." Duo walked away... towards Heero and Hilde.

Relena gasped and moved forward, but Sally reached out and held her back. "Let him go, Relena." She said firmly. "I don't think he's going to do anything foolish."

Duo winced inwardly as he approached Heero and Hilde. The worried look in Hilde's eyes and the way Heero's expression took on a grim cast was almost as painful as watching them together. But Duo could hardly blame them for being suspicious, after all, he had hardly been a shining example of tact.

Stopping before them, Duo forced a smile. "Uh... I just wanted to say..." He paused as various possible options flashed through his mind *Congratulations? Wish it was me? Heero, I will kill you?* Duo swallowed. "Be happy." He said and turned away, half-running out of the door.

Relena watched the confusion from across the room. Heero made as if to follow Duo, but then changed his mind, while Hilde looked unsettled and fiddled nervously with her pearls. Sally shook her head. "That young man always makes a stir."

"Do you think he'll be alright, Sally? By himself?" Relena asked anxiously. "I don't want him to do anything foolish..."

Sally's smile was reassuring. "I think some time alone would do him good." She said thoughtfully. "You've been doing a great job looking after him, Relena, but it wouldn't do you or Duo any good if he became too dependant on your support." Gently Sally hugged Relena. "Try and enjoy yourself tonight, okay?"

Taking a deep breath, Relena nodded. "I'll try," she said with a faint smile.

***

When the taxi pulled up to the hotel it was past midnight and Relena was half-asleep in the back. After paying the driver, she got out and walked inside. Her drowsiness fell away from her rapidly as she ascended in the lift and her thoughts returned to Duo. _Was_ he alright? Or had he turned to alcohol again to drown his sorrows?

As she inserted her key into the lock, Relena glanced at Duo's door. She considered knocking, but decided to wait a little. Inside her own room, Relena threw her coat on the bed and then joined it, flinging herself across the coverlet. She lay on her back and thought back on the evening.

Contrary with her expectations, Relena had enjoyed the reception. Wufei's best man speech had been hilarious, even though he hadn't meant it to be so. The food was lovely and Relena had not lacked a partner in the dancing that followed. She even danced with Heero, and was gratified to discover that she no longer felt the urge to cry. *Perhaps I AM over him now* She mused. With a sigh, Relena rolled over onto her stomach and gathered the courage to visit Duo.

It was dark inside Duo's room. She whispered his name, but there was no answer. Cautiously, Relena crept towards the bed and her heart stilled when she saw in was unoccupied. "Duo..."

Before she could panic further, a white envelope caught her eye. She picked it up and switched on the beside lamp. In the dim glow, Relena read her name, and with trembling fingers she opened it, sitting down on the empty bed to read the letter within.

//Relena, I knew you would check up on me, so I felt safe leaving this in my room. Anyway, I want to assure you that this isn't a suicide note or anything stupid like that, I'm not that depressed, okay? No, scratch that, I AM fucking depressed, but I'm not taking my life over it. Tonight made me realise that it's going to take a lot longer than we all thought for me to get my head clear on this. And it's not fair to you to have to look after me while I angst about the whole Hilde issue. So I'm taking off for a while. It won't be long, well, not too long, but I think some wandering will help clear my head. Sorry for running out on you like this, I understand if you're mad, but I hope you realise why I'm doing this. I'll keep in touch, I promise, if only to make sure ya don't think I'm dead (again)! Take care of yourself, Relena. Don't work too hard and make sure you have some fun every now and then, okay? Your ever grateful God of Death, Duo Maxwell.//

"Duo..." Relena whispered again and tears slid down her cheeks to hit the paper. "Find your peace quickly," she urged. "And then come back to me."

Part Three

***
//Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide
Voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time
The night is my companion and solitude my guide
Would I spend forever here and not be satisfied

And I would be the one to hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And after I'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear

Through this world I've stumbled so many times betrayed
Trying to find an honest word, to find the truth enslaved
Oh you speak to me in riddles and you speak to me in rhyme
My body aches to breathe your breath, your words keep me alive

And I would be the one to hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And after I'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear//
(Possession - Sarah Mclachlan)
***

Over the next few months Relena threw herself into her work, letting the politics bury her so that she had less time to dwell on her feelings. She discovered that she missed Duo, more than she thought she would and that unsettled her so much that she worked even harder. Duo kept his promise and sent regular communications to her, but they were little more than postcards assuring her that he was alive and well, and Relena couldn't stop herself from worrying about his state of mind after receiving them.

Nearly one year after Duo's departure events found Relena in her office with Dorothy Catalonia, frantically trying to complete a report before attending a trade conference on L4. For the best part of the morning the two women worked in silence, until Dorothy broke it with an unexpected question.

"So what are you going to get Heero and Hilde for an anniversary present?"

Relena blinked and looked up from the report. "What?"

Dorothy regarded her with a slight, amused smile on her lips. "You do remember that it will be the Yuy's first anniversary in four days time?"

Relena's breath caught. Had that much time passed by already? Was it really nearly a year since Heero and Hilde married?

"And Duo left..." She murmured. Dorothy frowned.

"What? I didn't catch that." She questioned.

Relena shook her head. "Nevermind, Dorothy. Er... so, anniversary, huh?" She leaned forward on her elbows, resting her chin on her hands. "Do you have any suggestions?"

Dorothy snickered. "Yes... baby clothes."

"Baby..." Relena's voice trailed away as she realised the implications of Dorothy's words. She sat upright and stared at the blond woman. "Hilde's _pregnant_?"

Dorothy seemed to be taking a perverse enjoyment out of Relena's astonishment as she nodded vigorously. "Yes, one month I think. Apparently Heero is over the moon."

Relena's eyes narrowed. "And just how did you find this information out, Dorothy? I hardly think it likely that Hilde would _tell_ you."

Dorothy shrugged. "No, a little bird called Mariemaya told me." She admitted. "That child chatters quite a lot if you know the right thing to start her off."

"Charming..." Relena muttered, but her mind was veering away from Dorothy's admission and walking down another road. It was rather odd to think of Heero as a prospective father, he didn't really strike Relena as the type to be enthused by children. However, Relena reminded herself, she had not considered Heero the type to fall in love with Hilde either. Relena felt a sadness she thought to be long gone jab at her heart. She remembered daydreams, only a few, that involved herself as the mother of a child with intense Prussian blue eyes.

"Feeling alright, Miss Relena?" Dorothy's voice cut across her thoughts and Relena blinked.

"Hmmm...? Oh, yes... uh... well, I'll look into some baby clothes." Relena said hurriedly, scribbling herself a note to avoid Dorothy's eyes. "Now, I think we should continue preparing these papers..."

"Of course," Dorothy's tones were as smooth as chocolate, hiding the mix of amusement and concern inside of her.

Relena turned her attention back to her report, but found that concentration eluded her. On top of her own astonishment was the worrying thought... *How do I break this to Duo, and how is he going to react?*

***
Quatre Raberba Winner tried to concentrate on the document in front of him, but once again his eyes blurred and obscured the type. He cursed softly and rubbed his eyes, angry at the intrusion of his feelings. He reached for a tissue and felt a box being shoved in his hand.

"Thank you, I... aah!" Quatre exclaimed in surprise and looked up. "_Duo_?"

The violet-eyed man grinned wickedly at him from across the desk. "A little absorbed in your work, Q-man?" He asked. "Or is something else on your mind?"

Quatre slid away from the question and after quickly blowing his nose, he peppered Duo with questioned. "When did you get back? Where have you been?" And so on.

"I got back on the slowest shuttle ever just this morning," Duo said. Lazily, he took a seat and stretched out his long legs, he had noticed Quatre's evasion, but decided to leave it... for now. "I've been all around the place, but for the last four months or so I've been on Mars."

Quatre's eyebrows shot up. "_Mars_?" He said in astonishment. "The terraforming project?"

Duo nodded. "It was..." He looked at his hands which Quatre could see were rough and callused. "Just something I felt like doing." He said and then grinned. "I could yell at the wheat and thump it around if I wanted to, no one answering me back... it was great."

"How are Zechs... Milliardo... and Miss Noin doing?" Quatre asked, his private hell diverted by curiousity. "I take it that you met them?"

"Met them, stayed with them, worked on their farm." Duo leaned back. "And it's not Miss Noin anymore, Quatre. She and Milliardo got married a while ago, it was quiet, but then he didn't really want to make a big song and dance about it."

"You'll have to tell Relena," Quatre said and smiled as Duo straightened and his violet eyes widened. "She's here for the trade conference."

Duo rubbed the back of his neck. "Hmmm... yeah... well, I bet she's a bit mad at me... for running out like I did."

"I think she understood, Duo." Quatre reassured the other man. "She's never spoken of you with anything but affection."

"Yeah?" Duo looked pleased.

Quatre nodded. "Yes." He said firmly.

Duo got to his feet and half-turned to go, then he paused and looked intently at Quatre. "By the way, why were you looking so down when I came in?" He asked.

Quatre's eyes slid away from Duo's intent gaze. "It's nothing."

"Nothing?" Duo shook his head and planted his hands on the desk, leaning forward. "So why do you look like your dog just died, huh? Or..." His tone softened. "As if your heart is breaking?"

Quatre winced as Duo's words hit home and Duo sighed. "I've seen that look Quatre. I saw it in the mirror for a very long time, and even now it comes back occasionally." He admitted. "Catherine?"

Quatre averted his gaze, not wanting to let Duo see his reaction to Catherine's name. "Duo... please..."

"You guys had a fight." Duo stated, "And now neither will back down and apologise, am I right?" He folded his arms and shook his head. "Q-man, couples have fights ALL the time, Hilde and I..." He swallowed. "Hilde and I used to scrap a lot, but it was just a part of the relationship."

Quatre made a helpless gesture as his resolution not to speak wavered. "I... we..." He faltered. "It's a little bit more than that..."

"Spill it," Duo ordered. "You'll feel better if you do."

Quatre sank further into his chair and rubbed his forehead. "It happened two days ago." he said. "The circus was here for the next three months and I attended all the performances, as usual. Anyway... that night... one of the ropes gave out and.." he shuddered at the memory. "Catherine fell and there was no safety net... I thought my heart was going to burst as I watched, helpless to stop her descent... But... Trowa, he caught her, just in time..."

"Let me guess what happened next," Duo interrupted. "Once she was safe, your fear turned to anger?"

Quatre nodded miserably. "I came to her trailer and I told her that she couldn't do this anymore, if she loved me..."

Duo groaned. "You... aw man... Quatre, you idiot!" He slapped his brow. "You don't have to tell me anymore... I can _guess_ what happened after that stupid statement." He wagged a finger at Quatre who stiffened. "And you _know_ it was a dumb thing to say!"

"I know... I know..." Quatre groaned. "But I... she won't speak to me Duo. I've called..."

"No good," Duo shook his head. "The only option you have now is... crawling. Go and grovel at her feet, tell her that you're a moron and that you'll never order her about again. She might forgive you then." He reached out and put a hand on Quatre's shoulder. "But don't, for God's sake, leave things as they are. Don't make my mistake, Quatre..."

***
The circus was relatively quiet as Quatre entered the main tent. He looked back over his shoulder and Duo gave him a grin and the thumbs up. Drawing in a deep breath, Quatre straightened his shoulders and gripped the flowers in his hand tighter. He moved forward, his eyes darting around, searching for Catherine. One of the circus hands told him she was inside, but Quatre couldn't see her anywhere.

"Try the top platform."

Quatre jumped slightly and turned to see Trowa regarding him from the shadows. The emerald eyed man's expression was carefully neutral and Quatre's nerves increased. He had not seen Trowa since the incident and was unsure how his best friend was taking the whole thing. After all, Catherine was Trowa's sister...

"Trowa, I..." He bit his lip and then attempted a faltering smile. "How are you?"

"Fine." Trowa turned his head and nodded. "She's been up there most of the time. If you want to talk, then you'll have to go up too."

Quatre followed Trowa's gaze and gulped. The top platform was the one right up by the roof of the tent, accessible via the main supporting pole. It was very, very high. On the platform was a small, hunched figure in pink... Catherine...

The blond man's eyes narrowed and his lips thinned. "Right..." he said. "Then I _will_ go up!" And with that, Quatre strode over to the main pole and began to climb upwards.

Duo, watching from the entrance, grinned. "Go Q-man!" He said and Trowa turned to him.
"So this is your doing?" He asked and Duo shrugged.

"I may have had something to do with it." he said. "Are you angry?"

Trowa shook his head. "No. I knew Quatre didn't mean the things he said, but it's no good if I tell Catherine that. She needs to hear it from him." He glanced back. Quatre was two-thirds of the way up and Catherine was still oblivious to his approach. Trowa looked at Duo. "Thank you." He said softly.

Duo scratched the back of his neck and fidgeted. "Aw... I couldn't just leave Quatre is a mess like that." He mumbled. "Someone should be happy..."

Beyond them, Quatre reached his goal and was greeted by a surprised outcry from Catherine. Duo glanced up and grinned as Quatre plastered himself to the support, offering flowers and apologies to the stunned young woman.

Trowa regarded Duo steadily. "Are you still that unhappy, Duo?"

Duo blinked, a little taken aback by the sudden personal question from the normally reticent Trowa. He hesitated, not knowing exactly how to put his feelings into words. "I'm better." He said finally.

"Good." Trowa looked beyond him and a slight smile curved his lips. "I'll see you later." He nodded, not just to Duo, and then slipped away.

Duo whirled on whoever it was listening in and his jaw dropped.

Relena smiled. "Don't look so surprised, Duo." She said. "I always was good at tracking people down."

Part Four

***
//Through this world I've stumbled so many times betrayed
Trying to find an honest word, to find the truth enslaved
Oh you speak to me in riddles and you speak to me in rhyme
My body aches to breathe your breath, your words keep me alive//
***

September AC 203

"Relena!" Duo swallowed his surprise and moved forward, picking Relena up and giving her a great bear hug that left her gasping for breath. "Man, it's _great_ to see you!"

She patted his shoulder and laugh. "I feel the same, but... could you put me down now?"

Smiling sheepishly, Duo set Relena gently down. They both eyed each other, looking at the changes the year had wrought in them. Relena was pleased with what she saw. Duo's eyes were no longer so haunted, his hair was longer and he had started to braid it back once more, and his frame was no longer so wasted but nicely filled out with lean muscle. Her lingering doubts about the wisdom of his decision to wander were swept away; clearly Duo had discovered some form of peace. However, she was naggingly aware that he, as yet, was ignorant of the impending new arrival to the Yuy household, and she was worried that the news might undo all that his sabbatical had achieved.

Duo frowned slightly as he regarded Relena. She was clearly pleased to see him, but he saw the weariness in her face and she was thinner too. He recognised the signs of a body that was being pushed to hard and fast, and he shook his head. Relena's eyes widened. "What's wrong Duo?" She asked, afraid that she had read him wrongly and he was still depressed.

He wagged a finger in her face. "You've been overworking, haven't you, Princess?" He scolded. "And after I _told_ you to get out and enjoy life!"

Relief flowed through her and she laughed. "It's not that easy..." Relena protested. "This has been a very busy year for me!"

Duo leaned forward. "I don't believe you." He said firmly. "You're a workaholic, Relena, who won't look up from the paper work unless someone prods you to do so!"

"Well, then I guess you got back just in time!" Relena said tartly.

"Looks like I did." Duo agreed. "Come on, you must have blocked aside some time to come here, and now you've found me we can use that time to have lunch and catch up."

Relena surrendered. "Very well, Duo, I place myself in your hands." She said. "But I need to swing by the hotel and pick up a couple of things first."

Twenty minutes later, Duo lounged in the sitting room of Relena's suite waiting for her to return. As they approached the room, one of the trade ministers waylaid them and asked Relena to spare five minutes. Duo frowned and idly kicked the coffee table leg. *Five minutes, my ass!* He looked at the clock and his frown deepened. *Damned leeches... sucking her dry.* He wondered what the reaction would be if he kidnapped Relena for a few days and spirited her away to a holiday beach. *Would the universe really collapse if she wasn't around? She's not the Queen of the World anymore, surely _someone_ else can be relied on?*

The door opened and Duo sat up. "Hey 'Lena, did that old..." His voice trailed away when Dorothy Catalonia entered.

Dorothy's eyebrows shot up in surprise and then she smiled. "Well, well... the prodigal returns."

Duo flashed her a careless grin. "Well, well... still as catty as ever." Dorothy scowled at him and Duo made a mischievous face at her. "What's up, Dorothy? Relena's been hijacked by some old fart."

"I thought so." Dorothy held up a small package. "Duo, can you give this to her and say that it was the best I could find?" She checked her watch. "I have a lunch appointment now that I must go to... as much as I'd love to stay and enjoy a scintillating conversation with you." She mocked and tossed Duo the package.

Duo deftly caught it. "Dorothy, the regret of missing a chat with you will haunt me forever." He moaned dramatically. She snorted and left, slamming the door behind her.

Duo grinned. "Success!" He glanced at the package curiously and shrugged. None of his business really he told himself but he still squeezed it gently. There was a muffled, squeaky sound and Duo's curiousity sharpened. Almost without thinking, he opened pulled it open and mentally justified his actions by reminding himself that he was still nominally Relena's bodyguard and it was his duty to check for all possible dangers.

"What the fuck...?" Duo held up the small items and goggled at them in disbelief. "Baby clothes?" He turned the romper suit around in his hands and then picked up the small toy which squeaked when squeezed. "Why would Relena...?"

He flinched at the thought which flashed through his mind. Relena did look peaky... could she be pregnant? And if so... _who_ was the father? Duo was sure he would have heard from Millardo if Relena had married, mail was slow between Earth and Mars, but not _that_ slow. Duo's fingers clenched into a fist, crushing the tiny garment. He felt a hot boiling rage well up within as his mind conjured up images of Relena and some faceless man. No, it couldn't be... he _had_ to be wrong! These things were for someone elses
baby... maybe Wufei and Sally's kid... Duo shook his head. No, the Changs' baby girl would be too big for this now, the romper suit was obviously designed for a newborn baby.

Relena burst in, a little breathless and smiling. "Duo, I'm sorry that took longer than I expected. I'm ready to go... Duo?"  She approached him, taking note of his abstracted look and the baby clothes in his hands.

Duo jumped slightly. "I... I..." He started to hide the garments behind his back, but stopped and held them out to her. "Dorothy delivered them... she said that they were the best she could find."

"Oh." Relena took the clothes. She glanced at his troubled expression and wondered if Dorothy had told him _who_ they were for. "Did she say anything else?"

Duo shook his head. "Er... no." His eyes wandered involuntarily down to Relena's abdomen.

Relena blinked and then realised what Duo was thinking. Her lips twitched and then she couldn't hold it in any longer, so she laughed. Duo's eyes widened and he stared at her, wondering what was so funny. Relena pointed a shaky finger at the baby clothes and gasped. "You... thought... you... I was..."

Duo went red. "Argh!" He cried and threw himself on the sofa, putting a cushion over his face and wrapping his arms around it. "I'm such a moron!" He moaned, muffled by the cushion.

Relena composed herself and sat on the edge of the sofa. She patted his arm and then tried to pull the cushion away. "It's an understandable mistake to make, Duo. You haven't seen me for a year, but I assure you that the baby these clothes are intended for is not mine."

Duo was silent beneath the cushion, although he didn't relax his grip. He sighed heavily. "It's Heero and Hilde's, right?"

Relena looked at her hands. "Yes." She said softly. "Hilde's going to have a baby in eight months time."

Duo didn't make a sound, he just lay there, his expression hidden by the cushion. Relena licked her lips. "Do you want to stay here?" She asked. "I understand if you don't want to go out right now."

"No, no... we're still going out for lunch." Duo was firm. "Just... give me five minutes, okay?"

"Sure." Relena stood up, grabbing the baby clothes and the toy. "I need to change anyway. Just knock on my bedroom door when you're ready."

Duo listened to her footsteps fade away and the door shut behind her, and then removed the cushion from his face. He stared up at the ornate ceiling and blew his bangs out of his eyes. "A baby, huh?"

His mind was numb, no pain, no anger... just a disconcerting absence of emotion. Perhaps his wanderings had finally distanced him from the issue. Perhaps he was finally over Hilde. Perhaps he...

"Aw, screw it!" Duo sat up, violently throwing the sofa cushion across the room. He _did_ feel an emotion, and it wasn't anger or sorrow. He was _envious_. Heero Yuy had already taken everything Duo wanted, and now he was going to be a father, to Hilde's baby, to the baby that should have been Duo's. The envy churned Duo's stomach... yeah, Heero Yuy had it all and what was Duo Maxwell's lot? Turned into a roving bum with little prospects and no Hilde to share his life. His shoulders slumpec and he buried his face in his hands, exhaling sharply. "It's just not fucking _fair_!"

"I'm not going to eat with someone who's sunk into self-pity." Relena spoke coolly behind him.

Duo lifted his head and turned to face her. Relena folded her arms and shook her head. "I thought you never lied, Duo." She said calmly. "You told me that you had found peace, but from this reaction I can only conclude that you've been burying your hurt, not working through it."

He stared at her, initially injured by the lack of sympathy and then uncomfortably aware of the truth in her words. Relena moved towards him, her expression softening as she neared. "I never meant for you to find out it such a way." She said. "I was planning to break the news in more gently and to give you some time to absorb it... although I didn't really anticipate such a violent reaction." Her gaze travelled to the cushion he had thrown.

"I..." Duo faltered. He felt sick, mostly at his own display of childish rage prompted by such a low emotion like envy. The disappointment in Relena's eyes shot through him and he remembered all the resolutions he had made to himself on the journey to L4. Resolutions that he had already started to break. "I'm sorry Relena, I really did think that I wouldn't act like this again." His lips curved into a weary, rueful smile. "I psyched myself up on the way back here, told myself that I could now walk up to Heero and Hilde and tell them sincerely that I was happy for them."

Relena sighed. "And the information about the baby changed all that..." Her eyes met his. "Does that mean you'll go away again, Duo?"

Duo shook his head. "No, no I'm not going to run away anymore... I _have_ to face facts and the baby, well, that's a _big_ fact. I'm not going to say that it hasn't hit me like a punch to the gut though." Duo laughed bitterly. "But Relena, although I'm not angry... I am _jealous_ of Heero... he's gonna be a Dad..."

Relena's eyes widened in surprised. "Why Duo Maxwell... I never dreamed that you wanted children!"

Duo laughed again, with amusement rather than bitterness now. "Well... I don't know about most people, but I factored in the idea of kids when I thought about marrying Hilde." He shrugged. "I don't know... I just liked the idea of a rugrat of our own... doing the real family thing, you get what I mean?"

Relena smiled and nodded slowly. "I get it, Duo." She blushed faintly. "Even if you're not contemplating marriage... perhaps it is something everyone who's in love thinks about?"

She was quickly encircled in Duo's arms and wound up with her cheek pressed against his leather-clad shoulder as he hugged her tightly. "So it was a big shock to you too, huh Princess?"

Relena's laugh was shaky. "Y-yes." She admitted. "I mean... I half-expected them to start a family at _some_ point, but not so soon!"

Duo grinned. "Maybe it was an accident." He chuckled. "Man, the look on Heero's face would've been priceless!" He stepped back, releasing Relena, but his hands lingered on her shoulders. "You okay?"

"M-me?" Relena stared at him. "I should be asking you that question! _You're_ the one who was upset earlier!"

Duo shrugged. "I can't hold onto the anger, Relena. If I learnt anything during my travels it was that... I've got to keep on living, which is why I returned. I'm going to make a new start and get a new job." He met her eyes. "And this time I'm not going to leech off you, 'Lena."

"You never 'leeched' off me, Duo!" Relena snapped. "I needed your support as much as you need mine! And I didn't offer you a job out of pity... it was convenient for us both and I knew that you could do it!" She folded her arms and her lips curved slightly. "By the way, I still need a decent bodyguard."

Duo, initially taken aback by her vehemence, grinned at her final words. "Well... if you're sure..."

"I'm sure." Relena said firmly. "As long as you promise me that you'll come and talk to me if you ever feel the need, rather than bottling it up and then trying to drink away your sorrows." She reached out and laid a hand on his arm. "And that means starting from now."

He was silent for a while, although he put his hand over hers. With a slight sigh, Duo nodded. "Okay, I promise." His smile returned and he sketched her a mock salute. "Now, would the Princess like her luncheon?"

Relena matched his smile. "Certainly, Mr Maxwell."

***

Hilde Yuy patted her still-flat stomach and hummed softly. For all the horror stories she had heard about pregnancy she was finding this remarkably easy so far. Her morning sickness was relatively minimal and she had yet to develop any strange cravings, she felt content and happy... and why not? Business was doing well, she had many friends and tomorrow would mark the end of her first year of marriage. Hilde certainly considered herself lucky.

However, there was one thing that still nagged at her, sometimes causing her to wake with tears stinging her eyes.

"Duo..." Hilde sighed, her euphoric feeling deflating. She poured hot water into two mugs and stirred the coffee, watching the liquid whirl as her mind wandered.

The guilty feelings about Duo had not died over the year as she still vividly recalled the heartbreak in his eyes when she last saw him. Hilde wished there was some way that she could do something for Duo to make him happy once again, but what he wanted from her was something she could no longer give. And as for his animosity towards Heero... She shook her head, that was a problem which needed to be resolved and she had little idea how to do it.

Picking up the coffee mugs, Hilde walked into the main room where Heero was correcting some of the bugs in a new system. He looked up when she set the mug beside him and she smiled. "Going well?"

Heero nodded. "Should be done in another hour." He said and sipped his coffee. "What's wrong, koi?" He asked and Hilde laughed lightly.

"Can't I have any secrets?" She teased, then she sobered. "I was just thinking about things..."

The phone shrilled before Heero could question her further and Hilde picked it up, activating the video screen. She blinked as a familiar face appeared. "Duo?"

Duo grinned. "Hey Hilde, you're looking good... despite being knocked-up!"

"You... you know?" Hilde stuttered and Heero moved to stand beside her. Duo's eyes hardened but his smile didn't waver.

"Heero," Duo nodded at the other man. "Looking forward to changing dirty diapers?" He shifted his gaze back to Hilde. "I just got back, and Relena told me. I thought I should congratulate you... both."

Hilde's lips curved in a tremulous smile. "Thank you Duo, that means a lot to me... and to Heero." She glanced up at her husband.

There was a long uncomfortable silence, then Duo shrugged. "Well... take care, Hilde." He quickly shut off the link and Hilde's bad feelings returned.

"Why didn't you say anything, Heero?" She asked softly.

Heero closed his eyes. "Because there was nothing I could say."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~