Part Three
Two days later Hilde was on the verge of frustrated tears. Staring blankly at the papers on her desk she flinched as the slamming door echoed through the small office. Letting her pounding head drop in her hands she rubbed her temples in firm circular movements trying in vain to prevent the on coming migraine. It was all HIS fault. That rude, self-centered, hypocritical, egotistical, obnoxious bastard!
Running out of choice words for the one and only royal pain-in-the-ass Wufei Chang, she sighed tiredly. Why? Why did this have to happen now? They were finally beginning to get along. She was just beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, they she could get him to see past the fact that she was a mere woman and possibly get him to treat her as an equal. She had hoped against hope that one day he would see her as someone worthy of his acceptance. But that was now out of the question all because of one stupid, impulsive, meaningless kiss. Well not quite meaningless, at least not on her end.
She was confused. He had instigated the kiss her, she was quite certain of that. He had been the one to take the initiative and start this whole damn mess and now he was acting like it was her fault. Of course with Wufei it would be too easy for him to just outright say what he felt. No, that was just too simple. So instead he was giving her the silent treatment. He was basically ignoring her. Unless she’d said something first he hadn’t said two words to her since he left her with Duo in the gym. She didn’t need this bullshit from him. She wasn’t sure what hurt more, knowing he considered her an unwelcome annoyance or the fact that he had no respect for her much less any kind of affection.
Was love supposed to hurt this much? She had never let her heart get involved before. True she had experienced mild crushes when she was teenager and she and even had a somewhat serious relationship, the end result being part of the reason she’d moved to earth, but she had always kept control of her emotions. She didn’t let herself get carried away and she never let anyone in. Duo was the only person who managed to completely worm his way through her defenses and for that she was grateful, he was the closest thing to a real family she had now. But Duo would never deliberately hurt her. He would never belittle her and treat her like shit for his own perverse amusement. He was safe. Wufei however, was the worst mistake she could have ever made.
He wasn’t supposed to get to her this much. She wasn’t supposed to be losing sleep over him and she wasn’t supposed to feel nervous and inadequate in his presence. She wasn’t a child anymore, she didn’t need her heart to control her. But he was already in and she wasn’t sure she’d ever get him out.
Why? Why did she have to be this stupid and set herself up for this heartbreak? He would never love her, he couldn’t even stand to be in her presence. He made it perfectly clear that she was nothing to him. He didn’t even consider her worthy of his time. And it hurt, it hurt so damn much.
She felt the tears slip free of her closed eyes one by one. That kiss, that stupid incredible kiss was what had broken her. Biting her lip she tried to breathe in deeply past the sudden restriction in her throat. There was more there than desire, much more. Her heart had felt like it was going to burst when he pressed his lips to hers. It was so intense and sweet that it hurt. She hadn’t been able to breathe, for God’s sake she’d had tears in her eyes. She felt it on a level that she’d never felt anything before. And he managed to do that with a simple kiss. She dreaded to think of the power that he’d have if he ever really kissed her or touched her. But God how she wanted him to.
Despite everything her mind just stated she still wanted him to want her. She wanted more than anything to meet his approval. What would it take? She wasn’t sure. But She could try, she really could. She could change herself for him if he wanted her to. And in the process she could lose what little self-respect she had left for herself. How ironic.
She wasn’t even sure he was worth this hell she was putting herself through. Why did she have to change for him? Why couldn’t he take his head out of his ass and join the real world? Of course she really didn’t know him now did she? She didn’t understand him. He never opened up to her so how could she in turn try and reach out to him. Especially when he would only throw her attempts back in her face.
Running her trembling hands through her hair she tried to find the reason she was in this mess. How could she love him? They barely knew each other and yet all it took was one look in his dark eyes and she fell hook, line and sinker. She really was pathetic. To let herself get this tied up and knowing the whole time it would only end up hurting her was sheer stupidity. She deserved this. She asked for it.
Lifting her head she glanced at the clock and winced. He was waiting for her in the gym by now. She really didn’t want to do this. It was bad enough she had to sit across from him in their cramped little office when they were here but to be physically close to him, to have him touch her over and over despite the casual meaning behind it, she wasn’t sure she could handle it right now. Besides, being alone together in the gym was only going to be an uncomfortable reminder of what had happened last time.
Gritting her teeth in determination her eyes narrowed slightly. That was how he wanted her to feel, no doubt. He liked it when he was composed and he could make her feel unnerved. Well fuck him! Love or not she wasn’t gong to be anyone’s doormat. He could play all the mind games he wanted but she was not going to give him the satisfaction of playing too. Her heart was fragile, it had too many scars and it was barely in tact, it wouldn’t take much for him to crush it to prices. And if he did, to her ultimate fear, she wasn’t sure she could put it to back together again.
Clearing her mind she rose to her feet and headed for the door. She could hide the hurt and the pain. She would be okay, as long as he remained clueless to her feelings and the depth in which they ran through her. That was one weapon she was not going to give him. She wasn’t entirely stupid. It was obvious he would use anything he could to break her, to prove that she was nothing more than a weakling. How could he be such an asshole?
Her thought s continued to collide as her anger rose. Walking the brightly-lit corridors her resolve grew even stronger. He was her partner and she was not going to let this ruin their professional relationship. To hell with training, they were going to talk and come to terms regardless if he wanted to or not.
Pausing outside the gym’s double doors she braced herself, steeling herself to take the brunt of his obvious apathy. Swallowing hard she tried to fight the way her stomach knotted and her hands began to shake. This was so much harder than it should be. Now that her emotions were beyond her control she was at his mercy but she would be damned if she’d ever let him know it.
Entering the gym her eyes eagerly sought him out. Her breath catching she paused mid-step as the sight of bare tone muscles filled her vision. She did not need this now yet she couldn’t tear her gaze away. It was rather funny how the sight of shirtless men never phased her before but now with Wufei she might as well melt into a puddle of simpering need right there on the floor.
Forcing herself out of her stupor she felt her anger spark to life once again at her own lack of control. As her footsteps echoed off the hard floor she noticed the way that he tensed. It was the faintest movement, almost imperceptible, but it didn’t fail to catch her attention. He didn’t bother looking up as she approached, he just continued to move fluently doing stretch after stretch.
She stood silently, slightly off to the side just watching him as he refused to acknowledge her presence. It took another moment for him to realize she wasn’t heading off to the locker room to change. Finally he faced her, his features devoid of expression. She fought will all her soldiers training not to flinch under the cold scrutiny he leveled her way.
Abruptly breaking the silence she stated quietly, "We need to talk."
"About what?" He asked tonelessly, his expression revealing nothing as he continued to stare back at her impassively.
"Don’t play dumb. You damn well what needs to be discussed." She snapped.
"Do I?" He smirked cruelly with one brow arched in question.
Her fists balling with frustration she resisted the urge to slap the antagonistic smile right from his handsome face. She struggled to keep her fury from reaching her voice as she muttered, "We have a problem and I refuse to ignore it."
"You’re the only one with a problem. I don’t have time to listen to your whining onna. I suggest you go change so we can get on with this." He replied coldly.
"I’m sorry if I get the distinct impression that you blame me for what happened last week." She hissed. She flushed ever so slightly at her words. She hadn’t meant to broach the subject this way but he wasn’t helping her in the least. She watched his eyes narrow ever so slightly, rage slowly beginning to glimmer in the opaque depths.
"There is nothing to discuss. Go change Hilde, now."
Her eyes flashed at the commanding tone of his voice. So he thought he could just order her about and she would jump to do his bidding. Like hell she would. "No Wufei. I think its time you ditched the ego trip and dropped the attitude. I refuse to take this shit from you."
"I haven’t done you a damn thing." He snapped.
"No you just like to play games, that’s all." She countered angrily.
Through the corner of her eye she saw his fists flex as the rage ignited in his black eyes. Furiously he whispered, "Hilde…"
Recklessly she ignored the warning bells flashing in her head. She forced herself to stand her ground as he took a threatening step forward. "I’m sick of you toying with me, I real…"
"I’m not toying with anyone woman. Why would I bother?"
"I don’t know, maybe for the same reason you kissed me?" She snapped. She couldn’t help but take a step back as he grabbed her arm roughly bring his face mere inches form hers.
"Why are you complaining now?" He sneered. His voice cold and hard as his words turned purposely cruel. "It’s a little late for you to feign morals now isn’t it? I guess virtue was never high on your list of priorities was it?"
She felt the blood drain form her face as his insults hit their mark. Feeling the burning sting of tears rising behind her eyes she jerked out of his firm hold. Lashing out with little care she brought her other hand across is face with all her might. His face jerked to the side slightly as the loud ringing slap echoed through the air.
Turning on her heal she blinked at the hot tears that welled in her eyes. She rushed out of the gym pointedly ignoring everyone she passed in the hall. In her head a tiny voice mocked her for letting his words affect her so deeply. But she couldn’t help it. The damage was already done. What he said couldn’t be taken back. To assume he thought that little of her was one thing but to know it hurt worse than she ever could have imagined.
Part Four
Keeping his body completely still Wufei closed his eyes trying with all his discipline to concentrate on his meditation exercise. He patterned his breathing, drawing the warm muggy air into his lungs then holding it for a moment before releasing it in a slow steady exhale. Focusing himself he let his mind expand not consciously thinking a single thought, just taking in everything and nothing at the same time.
After a moment his eyes snapped open and he sighed. It wasn’t working. Meditation required patience and at the moment he was running short. His concentration was completely destroyed all afternoon thanks to Schbieker. As he thought of her he scowled. She seemed to be the source of all his problems. Yet she could also be the one to solve them.
Rising to his feet he stalked over to the weight machine needing to do something. There was too much tension and anxiety rioting through his body. Setting the resistance level he began to do sets of ten, stretching his arms and legs, using the last of his strength to try and force the image of her face out of his mind. Of course it was his own damn fault she had his composure shattered. He just had to open his mouth and say the one thing he couldn’t take back.
Pushing himself despite his screaming, aching muscles he closed his eyes reveling in the physical discomfort. The pain gave him something to concentrate on, something other than the image of her clear blue eyes turning cold as ice. He hadn’t left the gym all evening. Instead he tried to block the whole scene from his mind but the sinking feeling in chest refused to go away. He should have gone after her. He should have apologized. He should’ve just kept his mouth shut but he hadn’t and it was too late to change it now. Besides, he wouldn’t apologize because it just wasn’t him.
What was the point in apologizing for his mistakes when mistakes are nothing more than lessons to be learned? Hilde had every right to be angry with him and he knew that. What he had said was uncalled for and not to mention dishonorable. But it wasn’t in his nature to think when angered, as always he just attacked. And his words were an excellent attack, she hated him now for sure.
He could still feel stinging in his skin where her hand had contact with his face. He had deserved that too. As much as he dreaded to admit it he also knew that he’d finally achieved his goal. She would keep her distance now. She would treat him with civility and formality like it should be. All pretences of friendship were over and done with. But there was only one little problem with the course of his actions. He wasn’t supposed to feel absolutely miserable about it.
Gritting his teeth at the funny unfamiliar ache that settled in his gut he tried to think past it. He should have never let her get under his skin. He had known all along that she would never understand him, nobody ever did. He wasn’t worth he effort and that was a proven fact. He tried to make it easy on everyone, to spare them the bother by making them dislike him. It was easy that way. No one ever tried to push their way into his life and he was able to keep his solitary existence free from the distraction of other people’s feelings. But Hilde didn’t get the message. Instead she tried to break though anyway and now look what good it did. It ended up hurting the both of them.
But he shouldn’t be hurt by his actions, right? He was doing the only thing he could right? She was getting too close. She was starting to make him feel things that were better left unknown. But he couldn’t help it. There was no logical explanation or excuse he could come up with as to why she had such disarming effect on him. She was beautiful but beauty was only skin deep. A woman’s looks had never effected him before. She was honest and kind but then so was plenty of other women he knew, Sally being one, and he’d never felt anything with them.
There was a list of admirable attributes he could think of to describe her but they were nothing exceptional. Nothing that he’d never come across before. So why was she the one with he ability to turn his entire frame of mind upside down? He wasn’t sure how she did it but he knew the moment he kissed her that it had to be stopped. He had to put an end to whatever it was that was developing between them. Just the thought of needing her, of even loving her was too terrifying to contemplate. He couldn’t let anyone that close, become that much a part of his life. It was impossible. He just couldn’t do it. And yet he was beginning to wonder if it was already too late.
He could honestly say he wasn’t sure what love should feel like. He usually tried to avoid any kind of emotional attachments to anyone and anything at all costs. And when he looked back on the people that were important to him, his parents, Master Long and Master O, he felt a great affection for them and an even deeper respect but that a separate kind of emotion. The only person he ever came close to loving as Meiran.
It was hard to describe the mixed emotions he felt with her. He disliked her and yet there was a loyalty there between them that went deeper than their forced marriage vows. It had taken them months but they had formed an interesting friendship, when they weren’t trying to kill each other. But it had taken her death to make him aware of the affection he harbored for her. It was something he’d never been able to forgive himself for.
And now he was afraid of having the same thing happen with Hilde. She was his partner and her life was at risk every time they put out a ‘fire’. Knowing the situation he would be a fool to let his emotions for her grow any stronger. He was tired of letting people close and leaving himself open to the pain of loss that was inevitable. And truth-be-told he was weak and afraid. He wasn’t strong enough to handle that pain all over again.
Stepping away from the weight machine he slumped against the wall gasping air into his burning lungs. Every muscle in his body throbbed and ached as he slid to the floor completely exhausted. He had to stop thinking about her. He had to stop feeling guilty. Wearing himself out didn’t have its desired effect. He was still mercilessly analyzing everything that had happened over and over in his mind. He didn’t want to need her but a part of him already did. It angered him no end to realize that he wanted to see her everyday. That he could spend hours just listening to her inane chatter because he liked the soft sound of her voice. It infuriated him to close his eyes and picture her body, her smooth skin and soft curves, all the while hating himself for wanting to touch her in such an intimate manner. And it was driving him crazy the way he couldn’t forget the feel of her lips pressed against his own.
Dropping his head in abject misery his shoulders slumped as he realized that there was nothing he could do. He got himself into this mess and now he was stuck. The damn onna just had to reduce him to nothing more than a pathetic weakling. She just had to be the one to make him a lovesick fool. And despite his disgust and infuriation at the blatant control she had over him there was nothing he could do. Nothing.
Jerking out of his thoughts he stiffened as he heard the echo of heavy thumping footsteps nearing the gym. He didn’t even bother forcing his tired body to stand as the door crashed open revealing a very pissed off Shinigami. He had to fight back a groan as Duo stormed forward stopping not even a foot away, his arms folded and his eyes glowing with barely contained fury. Closing his eyes Wufei meekly waited for the inevitable tirade knowing there was nothing more unstoppable than a pissed off Duo Maxwell.
He waited for Duo to speak. As the moments ticked by he finally forced his eyes open a crack only to find Duo staring down at him in surprised anger. Realizing that for the first time since he met him the braided baka was going to keep his mouth shut Wufei snapped, "Are you going to stand there a gawk at me or do you have something you’d like to say?"
Duo’s eyes flashed and his lips pursed as he asked quietly, "What the fuck did you do to Hilde?"
"I didn’t do anything. We had a disagreement, not that it any of your concern Maxwell." He replied stiffly.
"Oh I’d say you did something because I’ve never seen her that upset, ever. I left her with Heero because I don’t think she should be alone right now." As he spoke Duo crouched down meeting Wufei eye level. The cold anger in his voice held his full attention as he continued, "Now I wouldn’t exactly call a reaction like that nothing. She even went and gave Une a formal notice for a transfer back to Systems Analysis or she’s gonna quit."
"She requested a transfer?" Wufei asked trying to keep the dismayed surprise from his voice.
"Yeah. She said she couldn’t deal with you anymore. Look man, she’s ready to kill you and frankly so am I." He huffed.
"This does not involve you Maxwell."
Duo smiled humorlessly, his voice turning dangerously soft as he stated, "Anything that involves Hilde is my business. Nobody fucks with her without answering to me. Not even you buddy."
Wufei contemplated Duo’s words fighting at the unreasonable anger starting to cloud his judgement. He had no desire to come to blows with Duo, for one his body couldn’t physically handle it at the moment and two this situation was already more complicated than it should be. Besides, that onna wouldn’t appreciate them acting like immature children. Opting for the reasonable scenario he took a deep breath sighing tiredly, "I said the wrong thing Maxwell. Hilde has every right to be angry and if she wishes to transfer departments then I won’t stop her."
His words met silence and he looked up to find Duo watching him with a curious expression crossing his face. With an exasperated sigh he pushed himself up to his feet feeling slightly uncomfortable that the faint grin tugging at Duo’s lips. His patience gone he threw up his hand asking angrily, "What?"
"Nothing. That’s just the first time I’ve heard you call Hilde by her name. It’s usually onna this or woman that. Personally I don’t know she put up with you this long. I mean really Wufei, would it kill you to loose the attitude and just be normal for once?" When Wufei remained silent he insisted, "Would it?"
"Oh and I suppose calling yourself the God of Death and having the attention span of a four year old is normal. I am what I am and if people dislike me then that’s fine. I don’t seek anyone’s approval but my own." He answered ignoring that fact the Duo had a very good point.
"And you’re not the least bit lonely pushing everyone away, even your friends?" Duo asked genuinely curious and confused.
Wufei shrugged choosing not to answer the question for fear he might just confirm Duo’s suspicions. He turned to walk away but Duo’s hand gripped his arm preventing him form escape. He fixed his gaze stubbornly on the far wall refusing to meet the violet stare that was leveled on him. After a moment Duo released his grip draping his arm over Wufei’s shoulder in a supportive gesture.
Wufei stiffened as Duo said sadly, "Look me in the eye and tell me that you really dislike every single one of us as much as you act like you do and I’ll believe you."
His startled gaze shot up to Duo’s knowing one as he wondered when in the hell he became so perceptive. He opened his mouth to say the words, to say anything that would keep him safe inside his protective shell but the words wouldn’t come. Instead he looked away cursing himself for his own weakness. Duo wasn’t supposed to catch on, nobody was.
"I know what you think Wu. It’s easier not being involved. Well guess what, that s not living man. Shutting yourself off won’t do you any good. You just end up being more lonely and miserable than you ever imagined." Duo said quietly.
"Your right Maxwell, it’s not any easier," He agreed. Frowning at the way he felt compelled to say what he believed, bitterly he reasoned, "But it is safer. Emotional attachments are nothing more than a distraction and there not worth the pain they put one through."
"Spoken like a true coward." Duo sighed shaking his head.
"I wouldn’t expect you to understand." Wufei snapped preparing to walk away.
"I’m trying to Wufei but you’re a walking contradiction. Think about what you’re saying. You don’t believe in making things personal because it’s a nuisance but you have one helluva sense of honor and integrity that won’t let you do otherwise. You live by doing what feels right to you in hopes that you can set an example for others yet you claim that you don’t care. Your attitude is all bullshit Wufei. You know it and I know it."
Glaring daggers at Duo he balled his fists resisting the urge to physically force the other man to shut up. The only thing keeping him in check was the true concern etched on Duo’s face. They weren’t having a battle of wills here, this was an honest discussion. A serious discussion which struck him as ironic.
Who would have ever thought that Duo of all people would be the one to read him like a book? He knew Duo had the guts to straight out tell him his opinions, Duo never minced words with anyone, but the fact that Duo was taking it in a mature, adult manner was almost shocking. Then again with everything that had happened lately, maybe it wasn’t. "Are you done playing psychiatrist Maxwell?" He asked gruffly, his voice lacking true anger.
"I guess if you promise to think about what I said." Duo replied smiling his usual infectious grin. "We’re your friends not your enemies okay."
He nodded his head solemnly taking Duo’s words to heart. Looking down he swallowed hard as he decided to do the one thing he didn’t think he could, "Tell Hilde I apologize for what I said."
"Tell her yourself, I think she’d rather hear it from you." Duo grinned jerking his head toward the gym doors.
Wufei turned his gaze noticing the two silent figures standing by the entrance. Heero’s face was expressionless as always but his disdainful eyes held a slight sparkle that spoke volumes to those who knew how to read his eyes. Hilde on the other hand was looking at the floor refusing to meet his gaze. He knew he should be angry for their eavesdropping but he wasn’t. Strangely enough he felt calmer than he had in days. But it still didn’t mean he was going to change.
Folding his arms he refused to back down. He owed her an apology. It was the least he could do. Clearing his throat he said clearly, "Hilde, I’m very sorry about what I said earlier. It was uncalled for."
Her head snapped up at the sound of his voice but her expression didn’t change. She regarded him silently, her dull eyes meeting his in a steadily. He hoped that she could see the honesty in his statement. He hoped that would accept it for what it was worth. He held her gaze not flinching till finally she nodded her head giving him her response.
Even so he still didn’t turn away. From where he stood he could see the red puffiness just beginning to fade from her eyes and the stiff way her held herself. Despite everything he couldn’t help but take in her appearance appreciatively. And to his surprise she must have read his thoughts because her eyes widened ever so slightly and a blush began to creep across her pale cheeks. He couldn’t tell if the blush was from anger or embarrassment, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know. Instead he just took the moment to look at her.
He was so intent on watching Hilde he didn’t see the grin that crossed Duo’s face or the meaningful look that passed between him and Heero.
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