I want you to want me

Letters to Cleo

I never thought that when my Dad demanded that I get a summer job it would completely turn my life upside down. It’s bad enough I’m only seventeen, but now I’m spending my summer in abject servitude. And though I am getting paid for it, I can’t touch the money so this whole job thing sucked right from the beginning. It’s not like it was mandatory that I get a job. I still had my senior year of high school to complete before I had anything to really worry about. So I still don’t understand what gave my father this brilliant idea. I think his excuse was I needed to learn responsibility. Excuse me; but I do have a 4.0 grade average. I know all about responsibility, thank you.

But the parental units wanted me to get a job pronto, so I did the only thing any respectable girl would do. I begged my best friend Relena to snag me a job where she works. Lena and I met freshman year in French 1. I still to this day don’t’ know one damn bit of the language, I guess that’s pay back for being to busy gossiping in class. However, I did make a great friend out of the deal and that was way more important to me that knowing how to say 'bonjour' properly.

Lena was working at Tony’s Pizzeria; a tiny little hole in the wall pizza place that has killer pizza and pretty cheap prices. Mr. T, that’s what we call him, was always looking for help so she got me on so she got me on the payroll. Just how I wanted to spend my first official day of summer, serving pizza to a bunch of ungrateful people, instead of hanging out at the mall or hunting for hot male flesh, my favorite pastime by the way. So, at four o’clock on the dot, I found myself standing outside the back door to the pizzeria. I didn’t think things could get any worse but I should have known better, I really should have known…

My first day of work and I’m right on time, looking all cutesy in my nice little uniform red and white stripe blouse and my short black skirt. Yuck! First of all, I’m not the cutesy type. I’m the vamp whore type. As much cleavage and as little skirt as I can get away with. But work rules state that I have to look like a respectable waitress so I’m stuck in the stupid uniform till I’m fired or I quit. Right now, I’m really not sure which will come first.

Relena is waiting for me by the time clock and as is Heero. He’s her hot boyfriend and if she didn’t already have claim to him, I’d take the boy in a heartbeat. I give them both a smile realizing that it’s not bad enough I see them on an almost daily basis anyway, but now I work with them too. This is going to get really interesting, I can already tell. Maybe the summer won’t be so bad after all. I like new challenges and this could be a great way to meet guys. I have to admit that getting dick and cigarettes are my two biggest addictions in life. It’s been almost six months since James and I split and I need a man so I can get sex. I’m having withdrawals here.

Now that the thought is in my head I’m only half listening to Relena as she shows me how to punch in correctly. Through the corner of my eye, I see Heero wave to someone. I hear heavy footsteps coming up behind me.

"So, who’s the new babe?" From behind me the cocky, sexy voice purred.

Heero grins as I slowly turn around to assess this guy. Tight black jeans, long braid, not too muscular but just right, and then I look up into the most stunning pair of violet eyes and my grin starts to falter. No it can’t be. This fine guy cannot be…. Duo Maxwell.

"You got a name sweetheart?" He grins at me.

He doesn’t even remember me. Figures, I mean it wasn’t like we were the best of friends. Damn, I know it’s been a long time but it hasn’t been that long. "Hello to you to, Duo." I laugh as recognition sparks on his features.

"Hilde Schbeiker?"

"Yep." I mutter as eight years worth of memories start to flood through my head. First grade all the way through junior high, I had to put up with him. He was an absolute terror. When we were real little, he would put gum in my hair and pull my pigtails every chance he got. Then there was time he tried to light my hair on fire, he almost got suspended for that one. I lost count of the times he’d steal my textbooks and hide them from me. Then there was the glue on my desk seat, the notes he’d tape to my back, and the time he gave my yearbook picture a beard and horns and a bunch of other artistic little insults then put photocopies all over the school. And I still remember the mean names he had for me, like Needle Legs and Beanpole. But that wasn’t the worst. That came in junior high when I started to develop just a little bit before all the other girls in our class. When I got boobs he started calling me Boulders. That was my nickname all through eighth grade courtesy of Duo Maxwell. "So let me guess, you work here to right?" I ask, hoping my dread doesn’t show in my voice.

"Yeah, I’ve been here over a year now." Duo says as he gives me this small smile and I can almost see that look coming back in his eyes again, like he can’t resist what he’s about to do. "Ya know, I didn’t even recognize you. Little Hilde’s all grown up." He chuckles giving my cheek a pinch.

I slap his hand away and roll my eyes. "Well, obviously you didn’t. I guess some people are just hopeless." With a smirk, I poke my finger in chest to emphasize my words.

"That’s not nice. I am not hopeless." He states with mock indignation. "Geez, it’s somebody’s time of the month."

Biting my tongue, I ignore his comment and Lena’s curious glance as I put as much distance as I can between that asshole and myself. He doesn’t know it but I’m not taking his shit this time around. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of an argument. If I’m going to make it through this summer with out wrapping that damn braid of his around his neck, he better cool it. I’m not the same girl I used to be. He won’t bully me around anymore because I won’t allow it.

Fate must have been on my side because it was his turn to make deliveries and I didn’t see much of him my whole shift. But my thoughts were filled with him none-the-less. I would have never in my wildest dreams thought Duo Maxwell could look so… yummy. I mean the last time I saw him he was the same height as me, no muscles, no ass, no anything. And now, God! I’m gonna start having erotic dreams over this one. Just think of the things I could do with that braid of his.

Sexual depravation really sucks!

No to mention that Lena isn’t stupid. Sometimes she uses being blond to her advantage but the girl catches on to things pretty damn quick. She wants to be a lawyer and if you know her, you can see why. You have to watch what you say and how you act because she can read people like an open book. And I know she’s been reading me all night and I’m in for the third degree when she gives me my ride home. But I plan on telling her everything any way because I need a strategy. I’m gonna make Duo pay.

My night passed rather quickly to my surprise. Before I knew it, I was punching out and getting ready to go home. I could feel Duo watching me the whole time as I was getting my stuff together. His eyes followed my every movement, just silently observing me, making me slightly uneasy. He was making my hackles rise and my heart pound faster. To my frustration, I can’t tell if its nervousness or excitement. I’m wondering if he likes the view and that’s when an idea hits me. It’s brilliant. It’s perfect. It’s the ultimate payback. When I’m through with Duo Maxwell, he’ll want me so bad he’ll be begging for it.

So the next day, I’m back at work for four o’clock with a minor headache thanks to the bottle wine Relena bought last night after work. It must be nice to be rich: she’s got the car, the fake I.D. and this really awesome house. Anyway, we spent an hour killing the wine and making a game plan. I explained everything to her, gave the rundown on him and on my idea and she can’t wait to help. Then she informs me that Heero and Duo are best friends and go to the same high school. That makes my plan a little easier because now I’ve got a reason to see Duo outside of work. And outside of work, hehehe, that’s when my true colors show.

Today everything is going okay so far. Duo hasn’t said much to me; he seems to like annoying Heero to my relief. I have to give credit where credit is due. The boy is downright funny. He’s got a great sense of humor and you can’t help but laugh at some of the shit he does. It makes work go by faster with him there to laugh at. Of course, I’ll never tell him this. The last thing the world needs is for his head to get any bigger.

At ten, I took my break and went outside for a breather. The cool night breeze felt good after being in that hot kitchen so I undid the first few buttons of my shirt to cool off. I lit a cigarette and leaned against the brick wall closing my eyes. Things had finally slowed, the crowd was dying down and I was exhausted. Making pizza is a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would be. I didn’t hear the back door open. I didn’t know I wasn’t alone till I heard the flick of another lighter. My eyes snap open and I almost groan.

Duo grins. "Tough night huh?"

"Is it always like this?" I ask taking another drag.

He shrugs. "Wednesdays sometimes, Thursdays it’s okay, Fridays and Saturdays are hell, I’m warning you now."

"Thanks." I laugh. "I’ll keep that in mind."

"Anything for a pretty lady."

I look at him through the corner my eye and raise one brow in question. " A lady? I’m not a lady, trust me."

At my words, his grin turns even more devilish. "Oh really? So what happened to you? From what I remember you were always the quiet one, Miss Goody Goody."

This time I shrug. "I’m not one for conformity. I do my own thing and whoever doesn’t like it, then to hell with them."

"Hey easy, I wasn’t saying anything bad. I was just making an observation." He says defensively.

"Well, what happened to you? I thought you’d be in jail by now or stuck in Juvi doing community service. Of course, there was always the hope you’d piss the wrong person off one day and they’d rearrange your face, too bad that didn’t happen." I sigh, unable to help it.

"Not a chance baby. I’m on the wrestling team, I’ll be the one rearranging faces."

"Wow, I’m impressed." I say sarcastically. "All muscle and no brains, you’re living proof."

He gives me this dirty look as he says, "I’m getting the impression that you don’t like me very much. If that’s the case, you don’t know me well enough to make that assessment."

"I know all I need to know about you, Maxwell." I say quietly.

He smile is vicious as he asks sweetly, "Is this about when we were kids? Geez, you never could take a joke. You people are so damn uptight it’s fucking ridiculous. I can’t believe your still holding a grudge. Don’t you have a life? That was how long ago? Two, three years or something like that. If you ask me, I think its stupid."

I take another drag of my cigarette and slowly exhale. I keep my eyes focused on the lazy trial of smoke rising from the red tip. I don’t look at him because I won’t give him the satisfaction of seeing how furious I am. Maybe it was stupid to him but it wasn’t to me, although I have to admit just how silly my idea for payback sounds now. Maybe I’m not giving him a chance but I’m not sure I really want to. It’s not easy to forgive and forget and I’ve been hurt one to many times to just let things go anymore. I hate men. Moments like this I really wish I were a lesbian. I also wish Duo didn’t look so damn hot…

Calmly, I throw his words back at him, "Now look who can’t take a joke." I toss the rest of my unfinished cigarette on the ground and pause as I reach the door. "And for future reference, I do have a life and wouldn’t waste a second of it holding a grudge against you. I have better things to do with my time so don’t flatter yourself." And with that, I let the door slam behind me.

It’s been three days and Duo hasn’t said one word to me. I think he’s really pissed off at me. Naturally, Relena noticed the change in us that same night and I told her what we said outside. Her advice was to just let it go. From now on swallow my pride and be nice to him because I do have to work with him. I think I can do it, but I’m not sure because I know if he says one thing, I’ll go off on him.

I clock out at eight on Sunday’s, the only decent thing about this job since I’m scheduled off every Monday and Thursday. I’m just getting in my car when my cell-phone rings. "Hello?"

"Hey girl. Whatcha ya doing?" It’s Relena and she sounds like she’d had a drink or two.

"I’m leaving work now. What’s up with you?" I ask just as I hear Duo say something in the background and she laughs.

"We’re over at Quatre’s. Mr. Winner is out of town till tomorrow and we’re playing pool. Care to join us?"

I’m about to say no when she says "Hold on" apparently giving the phone to Quatre. "Hey Hilde."

I smile to myself. "Hey Skipper." I know he hates the name but I’m the only one he lets get away with it. "Having fun?" I ask.

"Yep. So you’re coming over right?"

"I dunno…"

"You have to come. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you and my Dad’s not here. Come on, please." He whines in his I-know-you-love-me-tone that I can never say ‘No’ to.

"Alright. Give me a few." I sigh in resignation.

"Okay I’m holding you to it. Bye."

I hang up the phone gritting my teeth in frustration. I let him do this to me all the time. I’ve known Quatre since freshman year. Besides Relena, he was my next best friend but last year he was transferred from to Ozwald High to Ridgemont Academy, an all boys prep school. Relena met Heero through Quatre and I should have realized that Quatre would be good friends with Duo too. Now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel bad about giving Duo shit the other night but I’m not apologizing. He had off today and I thought I wouldn’t have to see him till Tuesday. Guess I was wrong.

I make a quick detour to my house. I change out of my work clothes, slipping on a pair of tight hip-huggers and this tank top that is probably one size too small and shows my bellybutton, but it gives the effect of cleavage so it will do. Fate might have blessed me with early development but it didn’t give me all that much to work with. Still I have enough self-confidence to know that it’s not what you have, it’s what you do with it that counts. I can make a guy sweat and never lay a hand on him. It’s all in the way the body moves.

Half an hour later, I pull up in front of Quatre’s house, er, mansion and brace myself. I can always turn around and leave and just get shit about it later… I had to shake myself. Stop being a fucking wimp Hilde! Taking a deep breath, I knock on the door and let Oliver, the butler, lead me to the billiards room even though I know exactly where it is. I know why I’m nervous. I hate to admit it but I never was good at deluding myself. I don’t want Duo to be mad at me. I want him to think I look sexy tonight. I’m attracted to him and I want to jump his bones. There is my problem in a nutshell.

"Hey guys!" I say cheerfully as I enter the room pretending I don’t have a care in the world.

It’s just the five of them. Quatre and his girlfriend Catherine, I like her so much better than his ex Dorothy, Heero and Relena and Duo. Quatre tosses me a beer and I make myself comfortable in one of the many plush chairs while I watch Heero mercilessly kick Relena’s ass at pool. I’m not too surprised, I’m the pool shark of the two of us.

I peek at Duo through the corner of my eye. He’s sipping his beer watching the pool table. I look away berating myself for doing this. I can’t help it; the boy looks good in his jeans, an open button down shirt showing his white undershirt beneath. Its purely physical, yet so distracting, Damn it!

Finally, the game is over and Relena sits down swearing she’s not playing again tonight. Heero looks over at me and grins; tossing me her pool stick. I catch it in one hand managing not to spill my beer and stand up ready to go. I love playing pool against Heero. It’s always a close game.

"You sure you’re up for it De?" He smirks.

"You bet I am."

I rack them and he breaks. It’s a clean break but he makes nothing in giving me the advantage. I study the table happy to have something to take my mind of the braided jackass in the corner. I make my shot slamming the 3 ball in the corner pocket. I take my next shot and miss. This is not good because Heero starts to clean house till he misses a bank shot. I’m solids and he only has two balls to go and then the 8 ball. If I mess up, I’m fucked. I make two in and then miss. That was all it took; Heero cleared the table.

"You suck Hilde." He teases.

"And I’ve been told I’m rather good at it, thank you." I reply airily. At my comment, Heero just rolls his eyes, Relena and Catherine snicker, Quatre blushes and Duo almost chokes on his beer. I’m not sure how to take that reaction.

I plop myself down in my seat and watch Heero and Duo take over the table. Duo is good. When I’m not looking at his tight ass I actually watch the table and his aim is precise. In no time, it’s down to the 8 ball and Duo banks it at almost an impossible angle. I clap and he looks at me a little surprised; then gives me a small smile motioning me forward.

"Wanna try me?"

Boy do I… "Sure." I smile.

I take the stick from him and without it being said I know we’re calling a truce. He racks and I break making the 4 ball in the corner pocket. I make three more shots and then I miss on the 1 ball side pocket. He comes forward, leaning over the table giving me a great view of his ass and he positions his stick, his long fingers sliding over the shiny surface… I down the rest of my beer seriously needing to cool off.

He looks back at me over his shoulder and I can feel my face heat up a little, not from embarrassment but because his eyes are just as sexy as the rest of him. "I promise, I’ll take it easy on you." I stick my tongue out at him and he laughs turning his attention back to the table. He sinks in three balls before he misses a straight shot.

I grin at him before setting up my angles. I make the shot sending the 2 ball in the side pocket. I’m still leaning over the table as I look up to gloat at Duo and I pause. His eyes aren’t focused on the table, they’re looking right down my top. That naughty streak in me rises forth and I can’t stop myself as I lean forward just a little bit more before I clear my throat to get his attention. His eyes jerk to mine and I smirk as he blushes. The little shit actually blushes. He’s so cute. "Nice, huh?" I ask not really referring the game.

He smiles slightly, "Yeah, real nice." He takes another swallow of his beer. "Is that your defense tactic, to distract your opponent?"

"Best offense is defense." I purr with a light shrug, then to state my point I make my shot calling it off of his 15. This leaves me with the 8 ball. Holding my breath, I make the shot. I peek through almost closed eyes as creeps toward the hole… it’s in!

"I declare a rematch. My attention was diverted else ware." Duo mumbles, just loud enough for me to hear since no one else seems to notice anything.

"Rematch or not…" I lick my lips before giving him a sultry smile. "I don’t think you can handle me." Placing my hands on my hips, I walk up to him, he’s a good head taller than me and I have to lean my head back to see his eyes. They’re dark as they stare unflinchingly into mine.

Suddenly his lips curved into a completely wicked smile of his own. "Are you challenging me?"

"Take it as you will." I say, then turn away. I make sure my hips sway just enough to keep his attention focused as I head to the bar to get me another beer. Oh God…

I didn’t get any sleep that night. Between mental pictures of his body and that evil little smile he gave me… masturbation didn’t even help relieve the tension I was feeling. I couldn’t stop thinking about what his lips would feel like kissing me, what his fingers would feel like moving inside me. Not even numerous cold showers could get my desire to go away.

I didn’t sleep much Monday either and I walked into work Tuesday looking half-dead. I ignored the curious looks Relena and Heero gave me. Duo made some typical smart-ass remark asking what I was doing up that late or rather who I was doing that late. The irony of it made me laugh to myself. I wonder what he would say if he knew I want him as bad as I do. He’d probably laugh me out of town… then again maybe not. You’ll never get what you want if you don’t go after it. That’s one bit of advice I live by.

So I decided that day that I would start giving him distinct signals and snag his short attention span. The only problem is I don’t know how to do this with Duo. Sure I know what turns guys on and know how to entice them just enough to keep ‘em wanting more, but with Duo its different. I don’t feel like I’m in control here. His smile can make my pulse race. A few days ago, he put his arm around my shoulder and I lost my train of thought. I feel insecure around him, nervous, almost giddy. And then sometimes when our eyes meet he gets this look in them, it gives me the chills; excited chills running up and down my spine and I swear I forget to breathe.

I’m playing with fire and I know it. I mean this is purely physical. I just want to fuck his brains out. I don’t want us to get any deeper than that and if I’m reading Duo right he won’t want anything else either. Shit, it’s every guy’s wet dream to have a girl who can give him a good time and not expect anything more. And I don’t think I’m ready to get emotionally attached anyway. Damn you James…

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Fly with me

Foo Fighters

I spend the next two weeks observing Duo and teasing him. I make sure he’s behind me when I bend over, I casually find some way to brush up against him when he’s standing close enough, I’ll let him catch me looking at him but instead looking away I just grin challenging him to do something about it. All this teasing is doing a number on me, but damn it to hell, I can’t tell if I’m getting to him or not. Relena says she catches him watching me and Heero told her that Duo asked if I was single. I guess that’s a good sign.

Tonight, however, I’m running an ice cube over my neck because I’m burning up. It’s steaming hot back here in the kitchen and I don’t get off for another hour. Relena and Joey just left. It’s only Tony and me, that is … until Duo comes back from his last delivery.

I usually hate working till close but this is the first time I’ve been here with just Duo. I don’t move from my spot against freezer door as he heads straight to the register with the money. "You still here? I thought you were leaving with Lena." He asks me over his shoulder.

"No. I have my car tonight." I say closing my eyes and running the ice cube further down my throat. Even with the first few buttons of my shirt open it’s suddenly hotter in here and it’s not from the wall-length oven across the room.

"Where’s the boss man?" Duo asks curiously.

"I dunno; he disappeared on me." I reply, opening my eyes to find myself staring directly into dark, stormy purple ones. I almost gasp at the unexpected closeness of his body. He conveniently has me pinned against the freezer with his arms blocking both sides of me. Hehehe… as if I’m going anywhere.

"So that leaves you and me." He breathes softly. His eyes roam down to my open shirt and he grins evilly. Ever so slowly, he begins to trail his index finger along my exposed skin and over the curve of my breast, following the lace of my bra were its peeking out of my shirt. "I hope you intend to finish what you started babe."

Determined to keep my cool despite my weak knees and fluttering stomach, I slip from beneath his arm and take a step away. Cocking my head to the side, I smile innocently. "Tony could come back at any second."

Duo responds by grabbing my wrist and pulling me into the storage closet only a foot away. Before I can even blink, he has the door closed and me backed up against it, his body pressing into mine. I feel like my heart is gonna beat right out of my chest. I don’t think I’ve ever been this turned on. "Are you crazy?"

"Honey, you asked for it." He replies harshly before crushing my mouth under his. He forces my lips open, his tongue slipping inside my mouth to taste me. I can’t resist him. There’s something terribly erotic about knowing that we could get caught. The way he’s just taking what he wants makes me putty in his hands. I like a guy who can take control. He’s not even being the least bit gentle… but then again, neither am I.

Frantically, I start pulling his shirt from his pants, my hands slipping under the material and running up his back, marking him with my nails. His hands are roaming too, one jerking up my skirt as the other squeezes my breast through my shirt. He breaks the kiss, gasping for air as he lifts me against the door. I wrap my legs around his waist pulling him against me. He’s hard; I can feel him through his jeans. I push my hips forward impatiently, eager to have him inside me. I can’t take it.

I grab hold of his braid kissing him again. I moan into his mouth as his grip settles on my hips ripping my panties with barely a tug. Taking his hand, I guide his fingers against me. His lips curve against mine as he feels how wet I am. He strokes me once more before pulling down his zipper and freeing his hard cock. I can’t stop the soft growl I give as he thrusts into me, filling me as far as he can go. It feels so good, better than I could have ever imagined. I push down on him urging him to pull out and then enter me again. He pumps me hard and fast as I attempt to ride him the best I can wedged between his hot body and the door. His lips are leaving a hot trial down my neck as I whimper with pleasure. Then his wet kisses move down further, over the lace of my bra, when he scrapes his teeth over my skin biting me.

I’m clawing the fuck out of his back as the pain and pleasure mix almost unbearably. Hot sparks are shooting through my body each time he slams into me and I can’t take it. I push down on him, my head falling back and my body trembling as ecstasy floods my system for one heart stopping moment. He groans against my neck he cums right along with me and I can feel the repeating spurts of warmth deep inside me.

It takes a moment before we can move. He slowly lets me slide to the ground. I hold onto him as my legs wobble. Holy shit that was fucking incredible. I can’t stop the lazy smirk that crosses my lips as I ask, "Satisfied?"

He looks at me for a moment before saying softly, "For now."

I don’t miss that note of promise in his voice as I pull my skirt back down as far as it will go. I adjust my shirt doing up the buttons knowing that its hopeless, I look like a complete mess. Mess or not that was the best sex I think I’ve ever had. But, in the damn storage room for pity’s sake? I mean I know I’ve done some crazy shit but this takes the cake. I am officially one kinky little girl.

I pick up the tattered remains of my underwear and place them in his hand. Why do I want them back, he ruined them. I press a quick little peck to his lips and giggle, "Thanks, I needed that." And I slip out the room leaving him standing there adjusting his pants. Thank God Tony is nowhere around, I really don’t think I can handle explaining what I was doing in there or why I have this ridiculous grin on my face…

So I started the game. Now, I know the rules and I know when to break them. But you have to be careful when you break the rules because that’s when you get hurt, and that I learned the hard way. See, I knew what I had been getting into with James, he had a girlfriend and just wanted sex. That was the rule, just sex. Everything went fine till we tried to make it work. He broke it off with Karen and our relationship went down hill from there. I’m still trying to pick my shattered emotions up off the ground from that one.

With this in mind, I’m determined not to break the rules with Duo. Sex was great and I’ll gladly fuck him again but anything more than that is out of the question. This is just sex. That’s why I didn’t tell Relena about the other night. I mean, everything is fine between Duo and me. Nothing has changed, except sometimes when no one is looking he’ll sneak a kiss or a pat on the ass. I know he hasn’t told Heero anything and its kind of like an unspoken agreement with us, why get anyone else involved when its just fun.

Hell, I must have been crazy to think that once with Duo would be enough. I’m itching to get my hands on him again. And now he’s the one doing the teasing and I’m going nuts here. Tonight it’s the four of us, Lena and Heero, Duo and yours truly. Earlier we went to the movies to see this really cheesy horror flick, ya know the ones where its so predictable you what the killer is going to do next. Well usually I find these movies funny but tonight didn’t watch much of the movie. Relena and Heero were too busy cuddling and making out to really know what was happening on screen or in the two seats right next to theirs.

I was being good. I was contentedly watching the movie, curiously waiting to see if the masked guy was going to attack the big-busted blonde, when Duo’s hand ever so casually made its way to my knee. I glanced at him but he didn’t look at me, he just kept his eyes on the screen and started rubbing my knee absently. We were sitting in the last row and there was no one near us but our occupied friends. I let it slide. What harm could it do? If he wanted to touch me I wasn’t about to object.

It takes me a full minute to realize that he’s very, very slowly inching is way higher up my leg. I squirm a little at the sudden flush that takes hold of my body. I think I can see his lips curve slightly in darkness but I can’t be sure. I’m too busy trying not to draw attention to myself as my grip tightens on the arm-rests.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, he shows me a little mercy as his fingers slip down to tease the inside of my thigh, almost moving under my skirt. He knows what he’s doing to me. This time there is no mistaking the wicked curve to his lips. I closed my eyes shifting my hips closer. He’ll be sorry for teasing me like this. The next time I get him alone, he’s in for it because he’s the only guy that’s ever made me feel like this. I’m so tempted to grab his hand and put it where I want it but I can’t move. I’m not in control here and that’s part of what has me so attracted to him.

I feel him lean closer and I shiver as he nips at my ear. Little tremors run down my spine and I feel myself getting growing wetter. At this point, I don’t really care if anyone catches on to what we’re doing. "Please."

I breathe the words so softy I’m surprised he hears me and I’m even more surprised when he complies. He slips his fingers inside the damp material of my panties and I arch into his touch, squeezing my eyes shut to keep from crying out in pleasure. He rubs me with agonizing slowness and I spread my legs a little wider. Every fiber in my body is focused on the fire radiating from his touch. I can’t help it; I put my hand over his forcing him to move faster. Then his fingers slip inside me and my hips lift off the seat as my body explodes in a thousand different directions.

At least that was what it felt like. I didn’t even get to see the end of the movie, but I’m certainly not complaining. I’m still tingling. We just arrived at Lena’s house and we are no sooner in the door when she pulls me aside.

"De, um... would you do me a really big favor. Now that you and Duo seem to be getting along okay, um…" She bites her lip, giving me her big pleading blue eyes at full force, "Would you mind giving him a ride home? Heero’s was going to but he’s staying here tonight, he just doesn’t know it yet."

I try to keep a straight face. Fate couldn’t have planned this any better. "How in the world are you going to pull that off?"

Lena smirks, "Once my parents go to bed it’s a piece of cake. I’ll just tell them he left and what they won’t know won’t hurt them."

"I guess I can bring Duo home." I sigh.

"Oh thank you, Hilde. You’re the best, I mean it."

Believe it or not, I do feel bad for not telling her about Duo and me. She’s my best friend and I want to tell her but I can’t. I don’t know what Duo thinks about us. There really is no us. So instead, I tell her no problem and we hang out in her basement watching the guys duke it out over some play station game.

It’s going on eleven when Duo and I call it a night. We get in my battered p.o.s. Crown Victoria and I take out a cigarette but when I go to light it Duo brushes my hand away and lights if for me. I give him a curious look wondering why, now that we’re alone, he’s being so polite.

He lights his own cigarette ignoring me, staring out the window as I drive. Suddenly, he grins, "Ya know, we don’t have to go home. Of course, if you want to that’s fine but the night is still young." He says suggestively.

I smile to myself following his train of thought. "So what do you suggest we do?"

Duo turns to me and asks, "Ever been to Potters Point?"

"No. What is it?" I question more than a little interested now that he mentioned it.

"You’ll see." He smirks.

I pout as I follow his directions heading up into the hills that out-skirt the city. I haven’t been up this way since I was child and my Dad took me hiking. Its dark and the roads are filled with sharp curves but before I know it I pull the car into this clearing. We get out, walking to where the ground drops off abruptly and I’m amazed at the view of the city below. The lights are a glow making the city look smaller, a little more insignificant than I can ever remember it. Its pretty and I just stand there looking down knowing I’ve never seen anything so breathtaking.

I walk back to the car and stuff my hands in my pockets shivering as the cool wind blows. Despite it being mid July it’s cold up here. Duo steps up behind me and pulls me back till I’m in his lap, then wraps his arms me. I curl up against him, borrowing some of his warmth as we sit on the hood of my car looking down on the city. I don’t ask what’s going on, I don’t even waist time questioning. I’m not sure I want to know.

"Funny, I’ve lived here all my life and I never knew this place existed." I whisper softly.

"Most people don’t. My uncle took me camping up here once when I was like ten or eleven. I always liked this place. It’s great when you need to get way from everything. I think that’s the reason my old man and I haven’t killed each other yet. If I couldn’t come here, all hell would break loose." He replies with a sigh, resting his chin on my shoulder.

"You guys don’t get along?" I ask with out thinking and I’m surprised when he answers.

"Yeah and no." Duo says, letting go of me just long enough to light a cigarette, "Everything changed after my Mom died. I guess we were never close, and he never made time for me. He’s not exactly father material. I can’t blame him though. It’s not like he asked to get stuck with me."

I listen to him, contemplating what he says. I never would have thought Duo, happy go lucky Duo Maxwell, would have problems. He’s always goofing off, he never comes to work pissed or moody. Even when we were back in school, he always had a smile and a prank to pull. I never thought he had it hard with anything.

"I’m sorry." I cover his hand with my own not really sure about what else to say.

He laughs, the hint of bitterness evident in his voice, "It’s nothing I can’t handle."

I snuggle back against him raising my eyes to the starry sky. "I know what you mean, getting away isn’t a bad idea. Sometimes I wish I could leave. Just throw all my shit into my car and drive as far as a tank of gas will get me. My friends are the only things keeping me here. My Dad is okay, he’s just completely pussy whipped and thinks I’m still five years old. And my step-mother, I hope that bitch rots in hell."

Duo chuckles, "She’s that bad?"

"In her opinion, my Mom did a horrible job of raising me so now that I’m capable of making my own decisions everything I do or say is wrong. She’ll find some way to fight me or call me down or insinuate that I can’t do something. To her, I will never be good enough and I will never meet her standards so now I’ve stopped trying. Not too long ago I told her to go fuck herself and we’ve actually given up on talking to each other altogether now. That is pretty bad if you ask me."

"Why don’t you live with your Mom?" He asks innocently.

It’s a question I used to dread but now it doesn’t bother me. I still can’t believe we’re talking like this and despite everything I’m glad because he was right, I really didn’t know him at all. "My Mother is an alcoholic and she lost custody of me when I was thirteen. She disappeared for a whole week. My uncle found her in some bar, out cold. After that my Dad didn’t want me living with her. I haven’t spoken to her in three years. I don’t even know where she is now."

"Wow. That’s some harsh shit babe." He says against my neck.

I nod closing my eyes. Duo’s still holding me tightly and I’m really afraid that if I think too much this will disappear and I’ll be having some really cruel dream. I could get used to this and that’s not good. I don’t want this, but lord help me, I need it. And that scares me so much. I can’t let myself depend on Duo or become attached to him. It’s too dangerous for me. And James, I can’t just forget about him, and what he put me through. It was a hard lesson but I won’t forget it.

Thinking about all of this, the peace I found being in Duo’s arms starts to fade and I feel myself stiffening up, wanting to pull away. He feels it too and he loosens his hold giving me my space. I start to step away from him but he grabs my hand turning me to face him.

"What’s wrong?"

His voice is so soft and deep; his eyes are so intense, even in the moonlight. I want to give him the honest answer but I don’t want to fuck up what we do have between us. I could tell him that if we get too close, to open I could fall hard for him but I can’t tell him that. I think a part of me doesn’t even want to acknowledge it. I thought I was stronger than this, that I could handle being alone. I mean it’s nothing new so how hard could it be, right? But if this were real… I can see why people keep falling in love and risking getting hurt over and over, because for that little while that it’s good, it’s heaven.

"Hilde?"

I let him pull me close again till I’m standing between his knees. Swallowing hard I try to smile, "I like getting to know you. I don’t usually talk to people like this but you make it easy." I know I’m blushing, wishing I had never opened my mouth but instead I just hurry up and get it over with, "Promise me that no matter what we’ll stay friends, okay?"

He smiles slightly vowing, "Friends, I promise."

To my relief, he doesn’t elaborate or ask why. I know if I say anymore, I’ll say too much. So instead of talking I just follow my instincts and wrap my arms around his neck. I need something, even if it is only temporary insanity. And again Duo obliges with out question, putting his arms around me holding me tightly. I feel so safe here with him. It’s something I haven’t felt in a long time, something I never felt with James. This is what’s going to get me in trouble. This fine line between our newfound friendship and our kinky sexual appetite is going to blur and mix and at some point I won’t be able to tell where one ends and the other begins. I shouldn’t be doing this.

I’ll be damned if I can let go though.

We remain that way as Duo starts talking again telling about his plans for college. He wants to go out of state and he’s going to major in Avionics Engineering. So I tell him that I’m going out of state too and I have no idea what I’ll major in but it will probably deal with computers since I have a knack with them. Then he tells me that if there were one thing he could ever get to do in his life it would be to go to Outer Space. He says he’s an astronomy nut and to prove it he gives me a brief lesson on all the constellations, pointing out stars left and right. I’m a little surprised when he says he believes aliens exist but it figures he’d say something like that.

I don’t know how long we sit here trading information about ourselves. It’s really weird how Duo doesn’t even have to pry it out of me. I’m willing to tell him what ever he wants to know. I don’t usually even open up to Relena this easily and she’s my best friend in the whole world. I think it might be the way he keeps me distracted. Every now and then he’s placing little kisses on my neck and one of his hands had strayed under my shirt and is resting on my lower back just above my jeans. He kisses me again and I shiver, I can’t help it.

"You cold?"

I shrug in response. "A little."

"I could always warm you up." He whispers.

"I bet you could." I laugh.

His lips are soft and warm as he places another kiss just below my ear. "Is that an invitation?"

Shifting my weight, I settle more comfortably in his lap, teasing him by walking my fingers down his fly. "If you’re up for it." I grin. Like saying the magic words, I feel him getting hard as I wiggle around practically sitting on him…

It was a quarter to four when I finally got home. My dad was pissed, he said I was grounded for a week. Yeah, as if I’ve ever listened to him before. Ever since that night, I’ve been thinking about everything Duo and I said. We have so much more in common than I ever thought possible. When I was talking to him at moments it seemed like I was talking to myself. Who would have ever thought that Duo, of all my friends, would be the one I could relate to? Certainly not me.

I guess maybe it isn’t so strange, we’re not little kids anymore and I think I like the adult I see in him. Correction, I know I like the adult I see in him and that’s my present problem. Everyday it’s getting harder to keep my distance. I know that this is just suppose to be sex but I think my heart is getting involved anyway and I’m at a loss on how to stop it. I see him at work almost everyday. He has my phone number now and he’s called me a few times, hell we even had phone sex one night. I’ve given him rides to work a few times cuz his car finally bit the dust a few weeks back. There is no way I can get away from him. He’s always there and that’s the way I want it despite knowing I’m going to get hurt. It can’t be that bad pretending, right?

Yes it can. I have to remember that. But it’s so hard when I see him, touch him and when I look in his eyes, heaven help me I’m lost. It’s like I can’t fight the pull he has on me. But the really tough part is knowing that I don’t phase him this way. I’m not on his mind 24/7. He’s not loosing sleep at night wishing I was there with him. He’s not worried that at some point this will have to end. But I am.

To Duo, I’m a convenient fuck. I’m around when he needs to get off and it gives us mutual gratification. As long as he keeps me satisfied, then he’s done his part. And let me tell you, the boy knows how to keep me satisfied. We’ve been fucking like rabbits lately. I even went down on him outside the restaurant the other night just for the hell of it. He was bringing out the trash and I jumped his ass with out warning. I know he likes my spontaneous whims but it’s still only sex.

This is what has been going through my mind day in day out and it’s driving me crazy. Take right now for instance, I’m at work and I almost cut my finger off twice while slicing these mushrooms because I can’t concentrate on what I’m doing. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. God, I don’t know what to do.

Giving up on butchering myself, I ask Tony if I can take a break. He gives the okay so I go out back and light up a cigarette. It’s the only thing that calms me these days. Relena knows some things up with me. I keep telling her that I’m just bugged school is starting in two weeks but I don’t think she’s buying it anymore. She’s knows me too well; and it’s a blessing and a curse. I know what I have to do. For my own piece of mind I have to stop it. If I had any guts I’d walk in there right now and pull Duo aside and flat out tell him. It probably wouldn’t bother him in the least. I think that’s what I’m afraid of finding out. But it doesn’t matter, this is getting out of hand. It’s starting to effect too much of my life beyond us. I obviously can’t handle this and it needs to stop now.

This is the last option I want, but I feel a little calmer having decided what I’m going to do. I go back inside ready to force myself to get back to work when Relena comes up and grabs my arm saying, "Bad news De."

"What?" I ask alarmed.

"Look to your left." She mutters.

I look and my heart drops to the floor. It’s James, and he’s standing at the register. His newest bimbo is attached to his arm as he hands Duo the money for their meal. I think her name is Libby, I don’t know; I didn’t stay to find out when I caught them naked together in his bed. I’m really not ready for this. I know I’m over him, I don’t need him, but it doesn’t change the fact that when I see him it hurts. It hurts a lot.

I feel the tears just fighting to fall, my vision is all blurry and it’s a little hard to breathe. The two of them move to a table and sit down out of my view but it doesn’t matter, the damage is already done. I nod numbly hearing Relena asking if I’m okay. Duo puts his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it in silent support. And in this moment, this moment that holds the most pain I think I’ve ever felt in my life, I realize with stunning clarity that love can go to hell…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m so afraid to love you

Sarah McLachlan

I’m finally starting to get over seeing that dick again. As a result Duo has been really.. nice?.. to me. I say nice because it sounds better than admitting he’s giving me the pity treatment. I can’t believe I reacted that way in front of Duo and Relena. I didn’t even cry when James and I split. My life is so fucked up right now. I feel like I’m spinning out of control and I can’t find any stability. I guess I really don’t have anyone. I mean Relena has Heero now. Quatre has Catherine. Everyone has someone but me. It’s moments like this when I need Duo here to pretend that I belong somewhere just for a little while.

I look at my reflection in the mirror and I force a smile just to check my appearance. My make up is done lightly enough, barely noticeable. My clothes are appropriate, v-neck top and jeans. I look presentable and if I can pull it off just right I’ll fool everyone into thinking nothing is wrong.

I tried to get out of going to Relena’s end of the summer party, I really did, but when Quatre teams up with her they have a way of making me do things I don’t want to do. When I get to her house its mostly our usual crowd. I see a few girls from school and few guys I don’t know. Two boys in particular standing off to the side catch my attention.

One is tall, auburn hair and piercing green eyes. The other is a few inches shorter, his hair is dark, pulled back neatly and if I were to guess I’d say he’s Chinese. He has a blond standing beside him and her arm is linked in his. As I observe them Duo walks up to them talking animatedly.

"I was wondering when you would get here." A soft voice says.

I turn to Quatre and smile. "You know me, I like to make an entrance."

Taking my hand he begins to lead me over to where Duo and the other boys are standing. "There are some friends of mine that I would like you to meet." He says making his grip tight as I subtly try to slip away.

"Quatre it’s okay really." I try to insist.

Quatre ignores me. "Hey guys, this is Hilde." He says brightly pulling me forward, "Hilde I’d like to meet Trowa and Wufei and Sally."

I smile saying hello softly. Sally smiles brightly at me as Wufei nods his head in acknowledgement while Trowa says hello in return. I try not to smile as Duo folds his arms and glares at me.

"Fine, don’t say hello to me. I see how you want to be." Duo huffs.

"I saw you at work yesterday. You don’t count." I grin, walking away before he can goad me into a verbal sparing match. He’s been doing this, trying incessantly to cheer me up but he doesn’t realize that’s the last thing I need right now. Especially when he’s half the problem. What I need from him is what he’s not going to give.

I spend a good part of the night just trying to avoid everybody whenever possible. Joey cornered me at one point, so did Relena and this girl Jamie from school. I had to listen to her babble inanely for what seemed like hours on end about how she spent her summer traveling in Europe and Asia. The snotty, stuck up little bitch just loves to rub in and brag about everything she does. I don’t know how Lena puts up with her. But I bear it, and with the risk of being two faced, I smile and pretend I’m interested in everything Jamie has to say and then I breathe a sigh of relief when she finally finds someone else to blabber off to.

Taking the opening given I head out onto the balcony and light me a cigarette. My nerves are shot. I just need to be alone for two minutes. That’s when I notice the pair of green eyes watching me a few feet away.

Before I can dart back inside he walks over to me, giving me this small hesitant smile. "You’re Hilde right?"

"Yep, that’s me." I say knowing I sound completely lame.

"Duo’s mentioned you before."

I try to hide the depth of my surprise. "Really? I wonder what he said this time."

Trowa smiles and I notice for the first time that he is quite handsome. He doesn’t have that same raw sexual energy that Duo has but there is something about him that is striking. His voice is soft, almost impassively calm. "All good things I assure you."

"Well, I’m not exactly a good little girl." I laugh. "Don’t let my blue eyes fool you."

His smile widens, "So you’re not an angel incarnate. That’s hardly a crime."

"Oh I don’t know about that." I mumble. Seems to me like my life is just one big punishment and I don’t remember doing anything so terribly wrong, at least not to deserve this…

The more I talk to Trowa, the more I find him to be very interesting. He’s a nice guy, decent and seems to have a smidgen more common sense than most guys I know. I actually forget things for a little while and begin to enjoy myself with him. Suddenly time seems to fly. I hadn’t realized we’d been out here on the balcony for the better part of two hours until Catherine comes looking for him. Now that I see them standing together I note the resemblance between them. For a moment I envy them. It sucks being an only child.

I follow the two of them back inside glad to see that most of the crowd is beginning to leave. I smile and say goodbye to the hypocritical people that I don’t talk to the entire school year but from the way they hug me you’d swear we were best friends. I know why Relena invites them, because she grew up with these girls, went to the same country club with them, shops at the same expensive department stores, and her Daddy is probably good friends with their Daddies. It still makes me wonder just how in the hell Relena and I became best friends. I mean I live in middle class suburbia, in the heart of the blue-collar district. I’ve never even seen the outside of a country club much less ever been inside one. My dad doesn’t shake hands with the big shots. My dad slaves 7:00 to 5:00 every day in an office putting money in the big shot’s pockets for them. I’m not rich. I don’t come from old money. And when she begs me to come to these parties and put up with these snobs I can’t help but feel completely out of place.

And judging form the way Duo is clinging to Heero and Wufei’s side I bet he feels out of pace too.

I force myself not to look at him. I’ve been stealing glances at him all night. I’ve kept mental note of every girl he’s talked to. Even when I was outside with Trowa I kept peeking inside trying to see him. I have got to stop this.

"Well it’s been fun but I’m heading out." I say standing up from where I was sitting on the arm of the couch.

"De come on. It’s still early." Relena looks at her watch, "It’s only ten after twelve." She pleads.

I mimic her pitiful look as I insist, "I have to bring my dad to work in the morning." I lie. It’s a safe excuse. "I need to go nitie nite."

"Since your heading that way can you drop me off at my house?" Duo asks.

I love fate’s sick sense of humor, I really do. But as much as I need to get away from him I need to be near him. I’m weak and I hate myself for it. "If you want, sure." I say forcing a smile.

Trowa intercedes, "If you want to stay Duo you can get a ride with me."

I hold my breath.

"Nah, thanks anyway but I’m ready to go."

So Duo and I say our good byes and we leave. He’s pretty quiet as I drive and I keep glancing at him. He’s not the silent type, I know something’s on his mind. If anything is wrong I want him to talk to me about it. I want to be there for him, if he’ll let me. But he keeps quiet and continues staring out the window, looking a million miles away. I sigh as I turn the car onto his street.

The soft sound seems to shake him out of thoughts and he sits up a little straighter. "Had fun tonight?" He asks curiously.

I shrug as I pull the car to a stop in front of his house, killing the engine. "It was okay."

"Where did you and Trowa disappear to?"

His question catches me off guard. First of all, I‘m surprised he even noticed that I was gone, and secondly, I can’t tell if there is an undertone of anger in his voice. I mentally shake myself. Hard. This is Duo I’m talking about. He’s just being nosy, anything more than that would be wishful thinking on my part.

"We were talking outside." I reply carefully weighing his reaction.

"Oh. Must have been an interesting conversation." He says and again I wonder if I’m imagining the hint of sarcasm in his tone.

"Yes it was. He’s nice just like his sister."

At this Duo folds his arms over his chest and pouts dramatically. "You didn’t come and talk to me. Am I getting boring? Ya know, you have to tell me these things. I can’t become boring, imagine that, it would horrible." He exclaims in mock panic.

I chuckle to myself despite my disappointment. I expected it right? So I do the only thing I can do, I grin at him patting his hand sympathetically. "I’m sorry."

"No you’re not."

I know what he’s doing and I know I can’t refuse him. "How can I make it up to you?"

He gives me this measuring look, and smiles. "Well for starters you can sit yourself right here." He says pointing to his lap.

I knew there was a good reason why this piece of shit Crown Vic was so damn big. I scoot my ass across the front seat and straddle his lap. He reclines his seat so my head isn’t pressed up against the ceiling. I slip my arms around his neck and shake my head. "Don’t you think we should do this someplace a little more private? Your neighbors might get an eye full."

His smile turns sinfully wicked. "If they wanna watch let ‘em watch."

"Duo!" I know I’m not a prude but this crazy. We’re outside Duo’s house. His father could walk out at any moment. Chances are he won’t but still. Anyone could catch us.

Duo stops my next comment with his lips. I’m hopeless because the second he kisses me I forget everything. It doesn’t matter that we’re in my car, it doesn’t matter that he’s just using my body, it doesn’t even matter that I love him. I just need to feel him. There’s nearly a similar urgency in the way he’s touching me. His hands are roaming all over me, under my shirt and unhooking my jeans.

He doesn’t give me any warning before he flips me in the seat. Now I’m the one on my back and I let him have his way with me. He can’t get my clothes off fast enough. I moan and whimper as he touches me in all the right places. And I scream as everything erupts in a haze of ecstasy.

Then a half an hour later I’m alone in my bed crying myself to sleep…

Whenever I believe that things can’t get any worse, they do. It seems like every time I think I’m at the bottom my world crumbles a little more just to prove that I can go even lower. School started with out a hitch. All my classes are easy and all my teachers seem pretty cool. I cut my hours at work down to the weekends because Dad demands that I have time to study. Relena and I have a lot to handle being on the student council but everything sees to be running smooth. I even managed to start distancing myself from Duo a little. I see him on the weekends now but he still calls me at least once during the week. My mood has lifted and I thought I was getting myself on track. I was even beginning to think that maybe Duo and I could eventually develop into something. Things were going good.

Until the night I attended his wrestling match.

Duo and Trowa are both on the wrestling team at Ridgemont. At Duo’s prompting I went to my first wrestling match and definitely my last. It was the group of us, Relena and Heero, Quatre and Catherine, Wufei and Sally, and me. We were sitting up in the bleachers and it was fun. I had a blast watching Duo kick ass during his match. Trowa was good too, I didn’t mind seeing him in spandex, not in the least. The day was perfect.

When it was over Ridgemont walked away the winner. I was excited, not only had Duo and Trowa won, but the entire team won the meet; so now it was time to celebrate. It took us twenty minutes to find Trowa and Duo after the match. And I almost froze when I saw the pretty redhead that was practically hanging on Duo. I wasn’t going to say anything. I was trying to keep my cool. Then I heard Relena ask Heero who this girl was. His answer floored me.

"Oh that’s Beth, Duo’s chick."

He said it so casually, like it was common knowledge, like everyone knew that she was Duo’s girlfriend. Maybe everyone did know, everyone but me that is. I continued to stare at them blankly suddenly feeling sick. They look good together. She’s tall and curvy and has a great face, everything I lack. The way Duo looks at her, he’s never looked at me that way. She’s pressed up against him, giving him a blinding smile. To look at them, how could you not mistake that they were together?

I wanted to cry. I wanted to storm over there and beat the living shit out of that girl for touching him. I wanted to give him a good kick in the balls just so he knows what it feels like to hurt. I wanted to ruin the happy little picture they made by telling her Duo has been fucking me for months. I wanted to scream about the injustice of fate and ask why all the people I’ve loved have never loved me back. I wanted to do a lot of things at that moment but instead I kept quiet and felt myself withdraw.

Finally Duo notices our group approaching and he tells the redhead something and she reluctantly lets go of his arm. Even as he walks toward us she watches him with this smirk on her face. I could slap her so hard right now. I drag in a deep breath feeling the burning pressure in the back of my throat. I refuse to cry. I will not show him what he’s done to me. I force a weak smile hoping I can pull this off. I don’t know why I’m worried, he doesn’t even notice that I’m here.

Relena nudges me and I wince as I see the concern in her eyes. "Are you feeling alright De? You look really pale."

This is my out and I take it without thinking twice. "No I don’t feel so good. I think I’m gonna go home okay."

"I guess. You sure you don’t feel up to Rick’s party. Everybody’s invited, it’ll be lots and lot’s of fun." She tries persuasively.

"You have to come Hilde." Another familiar voice chimes in.

I turn to Trowa feeling trapped. I just need to get away. And that’s when I realize that if I run now I’ll only make it more obvious. I have to stick it out, I have to stay strong. I haven’t broken yet so one more heartbreak won’t kill me. Besides, I’ve never run before and I’m not going to do so now. I’m in control again and Duo can go to hell.

It seems like the rest of the night passed in a daze. I stuck to Trowa mostly. Between his sweet personality and the eight beers I downed, I managed to get my attention off of the pathetic mess my life had become. Duo came over to us twice and twice I excused myself. I know he got the message that I didn’t want to talk to him. He probably wanted a ride home, maybe a quick fuck because his girlfriend didn’t give him any. Or maybe he just wanted to find out why I was having a good time with Trowa. Either way I didn’t give him the chance to say because I didn’t want to hear it. By the end of the night Trowa had to drive me home. I was a little too drunk to do so myself.

I called in sick to work the next day. The fact that I could barely lift my head off the pillow and I was desperately trying to keep the contents of my stomach down was a good enough reason for me. I curse the alcohol now but I see why my Mom is the way she is. If I hadn’t had that buzz I would have ended up crying my eyes out on Trowa’s shoulder. With the help of the alcohol I managed to save face, well, sort of. I didn’t make an ass out myself with Duo but I did start making moves on Trowa and that wasn’t right. He’s not my type. Now that I’m sober I feel bad about it. I mean why can’t I fall for someone like Trowa? He’d never hurt me. He’d love me, I think.

I spent all of Sunday pondering that question among many others. Everything that crosses my mind all comes down to one thing. I’m just not lovable. I’m nothing more than a cheap slut who knows how to fuck. That’s all I’m good for. Guys don’t fall for girls like me. Hell, my own mother couldn’t even love me, that’s proof enough. I’m not a masochist. I’m not going to keep doing this to myself. I know when enough is enough. I can’t get hurt like this again. I’m barely holding myself together. I feel like the slightest little push and I’ll shatter.

So I chose to run.

I can’t work with Duo anymore so I’m going to have to tell Tony I quit. I’ll find another job somewhere else, it’s no big deal. I know I can’t handle seeing Duo now. Why make it harder when the simple solution is to avoid the problem. I’ve been doing a good job of it too. Duo called the house twice and both times I told my Dad to say I wasn’t home. He left three messages on my voice mail, the last one asking that I please call him and that whatever happened he was sorry. I had to laugh. He really thinks I’m that stupid. He really thinks that I haven’t caught on. He’s acting like he doesn’t have a clue as to why I won’t talk to him. He has the nerve to sound down about it. Duo did this to himself. If he would have been honest with me I could’ve remained friends with him. But I can’t trust him because I really don’t know him after all. He never told me he had a girlfriend. If he had I would never have stared this.

I know what it’s like to cheat around and I know what it’s like to be cheated on. James was with Karen and I had no right to come between them. He pursued me and I thought what the hell, what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. Well it did hurt her because she found out. And it hurt me when I caught James with Libby. I know what Karen felt like and I know what Duo’s girlfriend will feel like when she finds out. I can’t do that to someone else. Duo and James are two of a kind. They’re self-centered, worthless pricks.

So now its Friday night and I called in sick again. I didn’t have the guts to tell Tony yet. I know I have to show up for work tomorrow and I’m lying here in bed staring at the ceiling wondering how I’m going to make it. I’m not getting an answer, the only thing that keeps coming to mind are Duo’s purple eyes. I miss him so much. I want to hate him but I can’t. I feel the tears come and I blink them away. I’ve locked myself up in this room doing nothing but sulking and crying. Lena’s been hounding me about what’s wrong but I still can’t tell her. I feel so alone.

Suddenly in the still quiet I hear a tap at my second story window. I listen closely and sure enough I hear it again. Something is hitting my window. I go over to investigate, curiously raising the blinds and opening the window just as a small rock comes flying right past my head. What the hell?

"Shit! I’m sorry."

Duo’s soft hushed voice gives him away and I glare down at him barely making out his form in the darkness. So much is going through my mind as he shoves his hands in his pockets and rocks back on the balls of his feet nervously. My heart jumps at the sight of him and I ruthlessly trample the feeling down. I look at my clock, it’s 2:15 in the morning. "What do you want?"

"We need to talk." He says barely loud enough for me to hear him.

I can’t do this. I shake my head, tears already blurring my eyes as my voice wavers, "No Duo."

He throws up his hands in frustration. "Goddamn it Hilde, either you come down or I’m coming up. It’s your call." He hisses just short of yelling. If he wakes my Dad I’ll kill him.

"Duo go home!"

The idiot ignores me and begins climbing the tree just outside my window. He’s agile, I watch his body move with hardly any strain. I’m such a sucker. I don’t have the heart to shut the window in his face plus I’m afraid that if I piss him off he will wake up my Dad on purpose. So I reluctantly let him enter my bedroom, my sanctuary. I hurriedly brush at the tears in my eyes trying to compose myself as much as possible.

"I’m going to ask you one more time. What do you want?" I demand, my voice filled with quiet fury.

He stiffens at my cold tone. I can tell that he’s angry too, barely keeping a hold on his temper. After a moment he leans back against the wall and looks at me helplessly. "I…I just wanted to… to…" He looks away again raising his hands in defeat. "I needed to see you okay, I’m sorry."

I could say the same thing. It seems like I haven’t been this close to him in forever. Even standing over a foot away I can smell his cologne. It brings up memories of sitting on the hood of my car out at Potters Point. My breath catches at the sharp little pain in my chest and I shove them away. I won’t let myself think of that right now. I need to get him to leave. That’s the only thing I should be thinking about.

"Look Duo. It’s the middle of the night. My Dad has to work tomorrow and I don’t think he’ll appreciate it if I go wake him and tell him there is a guy in my room. So cut the crap and tell me why you’re here and then get the fuck out!" I snap.

"Well if you would return phone calls I wouldn’t be here." He glares at me and for just a second I think I see hurt flash in his eyes.

"Maybe I don’t want to talk to you?" I say softly. "Maybe I don’t want to see you either." This time there is no mistaking it, I hurt him with that. I really don’t feel any better, instead I feel even worse.

"No shit! I kinda figured that. I just wanna know why?" He asks coldly.

"Because I found out about your girlfriend, that’s why." I whisper. His eyes widen and he gives me this look, a mix between panic and confusion. He knows he’s caught and I’m not going to make it easy on him. "Do you have any idea what you’re doing to her? You’re using her Duo. You’re fucking with her emotions and I’m not gonna be a part of it. So go find someone else to kill time with."

I’ve said what I needed to say and now everything leaves me. I sit on the edge of my bed marveling at the empty feeling inside me. I really don’t feel anything. I know I could, if I just allow myself to take in everything that’s happening but I don’t. I’ll let the hurt hit me later, when he’s gone. "Don’t you have anything to say?"

He’s still looking at me like I’m crazy.

"I think its time you leave-"

"Hilde, what makes you think I have a girlfriend?" He interrupts angrily as he starts pacing back and forth.

"I saw the two of you together and it’s obvious." I fold my hands in my lap feeling my anger begin to creep back into the emptiness.

"You saw me? With who?" He asks heatedly, his voice rising. He rakes his hands through his hair in a show of frustration. "Hilde, I don’t know what you saw but… I don’t have a girlfriend."

My fury explodes inside me in this blinding red rage. "Don’t lie to me Duo. I saw you with her after the match Saturday. Heero even confirmed it so don’t stand here and deny it. My God, you really are a selfish asshole."

"Wait, you’re talking about Beth? Shit." He curses, half-laughing. Before I can go off on him again he holds up a hand asking, "Did Heero actually say she was my girlfriend?"

"Yeah, I heard him tell Relena that she’s your chick. I assumed that’s what he meant by it." I manage to say through clenched teeth. I’m livid and ready to push him out my window.

"Well you assumed wrong. Beth is an annoying psycho bitch who won’t take the hint that I’m not interested. The guys even joke about it because she practically stalks me. We have to allow her to come to the matches’ cuz her brother is on the team. If you don’t believe me you can ask Heero or Trowa or any of the guys for that matter." He crouches down in front of me looking me in the eye. "You know me, better than anybody. I’m not going out with her, I never have and I never will. So I don’t know what you thought you saw but she’s definitely not my girlfriend." He insists passionately. Unable to keep still he resumes his pacing.

I don’t know what to say. I want to believe him and I think I do. I’ve never seen them together any other time. He’s never once mentioned her, even in idle conversation. Besides, he doesn’t look like he’s lying. As a matter of fact he looks like hell. His hair is pulled back in a messy braid, probably a mess because he keeps running his hands through it. He looks tired, he has dark circles under his eyes and I think he needs to shave. He still looks sinfully handsome and I look away knowing that I have to ask him to leave.

"I believe you and I’m sorry. I just thought you lied to me. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been a trusting idiot and I don’t want to get put in that situation again." I explain. I fiddle nervously with the edge of my shirt. I can do this. I have to. "Look, you shouldn’t be here. If we’re going to try and be friends you know we need to end this."

Duo stops his pacing, his eyes jerking up to mine startled. I look down again afraid that if I look in his eyes I’ll give into him. I know he’s thinking why give up a good thing, a mutually satisfying relationship with no hassles. I expect him to question my decision. I just don’t expect what he asks or how angry he sounds.

"Does this decision have anything to do with Trowa?"

This time it’s my turn to look startled. Where in the world did that question come from? So I flat out ask, "What does he have to do with any of this?"

Duo shrugs trying to act nonchalant but I can see the effort it takes. "Why don’t you tell me? You two seem awfully close lately."

"What does it matter to you?" I ask goading him. I want to know where this is going, that I’m not reading more in to his reaction. Duo can’t be jealous.

He resumes his pacing looking even more agitated than before. I can visibly see the tension building up inside him. Finally he turns to me and his eyes are blazing with rage. "Stop fucking with me Hilde! Ever since you started this…this…" He motions his hands between us for lack of better terminology, "You’ve had me running in circles. And just when I think we’re getting somewhere, you pull away. And now you have one of my best friends wrapped around your finger just like you have me and I’m not gonna let you do it. I think I have a right to know what’s going on. If you want Trowa then tell me!"

"Trowa and I are friends. That’s all it is." I whisper, completely shaken by everything he just said. Duo cares. It’s not a declaration of love but its something. I just don’t think I have enough of my heart left in tact to take the risk and find out its not. I did this with James and I will always have the scars. I can’t do this again. "I’m calling us off because it’s juts sex Duo. No matter how we look at it, it’s just sex."

This time he looks away. His shoulders slump and he lowers his head. His voice is so soft I barely hear it. "Call me a fool but I was hoping it was more than that." He laughs bitterly. "Guess I was wrong." Suddenly he straightens and flashes me a quick forced smile. "So this is it then? Well, see ya around."

He’s half way out of my window when I realize that I can’t let him walk away. I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t take this chance. I grab his arm stopping him, praying I’m doing the right thing.

"Duo don’t go." I plead tugging on his sleeve. He reluctantly lets me pull him back in the room. I don’t give him the chance to question why. I have a question of my own. "I can’t let you in until you tell me where we go from here. I need to hear it from you."

Looking into Duo’s eyes I know I’ve just given him the choice to either save me or break me. The tears I’ve been fighting all night well up and spill over my cheeks. I’m not pulling away now, instead I’m holding on tighter than I’ve ever done before. I’m scared and now he knows it.

Duo’s touch is ever so gentle as he wipes my tears away. His voice is oddly hoarse as he answers me quietly. "Ya know, I’m always thinking about you. It’s so bad I can’t sleep at night, I can’t concentrate in class, I can’t even study. It’s like I’m addicted to you or something. When you’re not around I’m always hoping to hear your voice. I can’t wait till the next time I see you. I still haven’t washed my blue shirt cuz it smells like you." He blushes slightly at that last admission pulling my body closer, "I bet you don’t know that you’re the only girl I’ve ever taken up to Potters Point. Or that I’ve never told anybody but you about my Dad and me. Or that you make me idiotically happy when you smile at me. And the crazy part is I don’t know why you have this effect on me but I wouldn’t change it cuz I like it and I need you."

For years I’ve wanted someone to tell me they love me. I thought if I could just be wanted then all my problems would go away. Duo hasn’t said ‘I love you’ but he doesn’t have to. This is so much better.

Through my tears I smile at him. "I know exactly what you’re going through because I feel it too."

His hold on me tightens and I snuggle up against his chest sniffling loudly. It feels so good to have him hold me again. I don’t how long we stay that way, just amazed that we have each other. I really thought that we couldn’t have this. I thought it was a useless dream. I guess I was the one that was wrong.

It’s almost 3:30 when he reluctantly starts to pull away. "I should be getting home." He sighs, his brow drawn in an unintentional frown.

I grin. "Uh-uh, you’re not going anywhere." Slowly I start to tug him step by step away from the window. I don’t stop till I bump into my bed. "You don’t want to be alone any more than I do so I say you stay here with me where you belong."

He smiles leaning his head against mine. "What about your Dad?"

"He won’t come in here without knocking first and even if he does what can he do?"

"Kill me." Duo laughs.

"Shut up." I whisper, pressing my lips to his in a soft kiss. I knew the minute I kissed him I’d be lost and I was. Fire roared in my blood, making my heart pound madly.

Duo pushes me back on the bed bracing himself over me. His lazy kisses move down my throat while his hands make short work of my button down top. I can tell he’s keeping himself under control, forcing himself to take things slow. I’m not making it easy for him, running my hands up and down the bare flesh beneath his shirt. It isn’t long before my PJ’s and his clothes are on the floor. I try to keep my voice down as I gasp and moan at the way his mouth feels moving over my breasts. As his kisses move lower I can’t help but claw at the sheets and bite my lip to keep quiet. I love what he does with his tongue. I try to push him on his back but he keeps me pinned to the bed. He’s in total control of my body and he has me panting for more. Finally he gives in to what we both want and slams into to me, making me whimper loudly. I can’t help it, we fit together so perfectly. He feels so good inside of me. We move in perfect rhythm. The feel of our damp skin rubbing together is heaven and hell. He pushes me harder and harder, until I fall over the edge of reality and into the abyss of pleasure that awaits me.

It takes us both a few minutes to catch our breath. Vaguely I feel him pull me into his arms but I’m too drained to move. All these sleepless nights and crying fits have finally caught up with me and I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. I bury my face in his neck letting him pull my comforter over us. I wrap my arms around him reassuring myself that he’s here holding me. I’ll finally get to fall asleep next to him. It’s something that I’ve wanted to do but never thought I’d have the chance. I don’t think in the whole thirteen months James and I dated, I ever felt this happy or content.

I’m half-asleep but I still know what I’m doing and I can’t help but say it. "I love you."

"I love you too." Duo says with his adorable lopsided grin. He presses a kiss to the top of my head and I fall into a blissful sleep breathing in the sent of his cologne…

"Rise and shine sleepy head."

That voice is way too cheerful this early in the morning. I blink my eyes open sleepily and give Duo my most evil glare. I think I ruined the effect thought because I can’t help but smile. I love him. His hair is all mused, and he still has that sleepy look on his face but he’s more awake than I am. I’m so happy I feel like laughing for no damn reason. Instead I settle for pulling him down and giving him a very sweet good morning kiss.

When he finally lets me breathe I croak, "Morning to you too."

Duo gives me another quick little peck on the lips before laying his head on my chest and closing his eyes. I run my fingers through his hair as his arms tighten around me. His breath tickles the bare skin of my breasts as he uses them in place of pillows. I’m glad to know they’re good for something.

"You’re comfortable. I could go back to sleep." He yawns.

"Me to-" My reply is cut off when there is a knock on my door. My heart jumps in my throat and for a split second I can vividly imagine my Dad taking one look at us like this and breaking Duo’s neck. I’m sure Duo is thinking the same thing because he doesn’t waste any time sliding off the bed and landing on the floor with a thud. If he stays down he won’t be seen, well that is if they don’t come too far into my room.

All of this happens in the span of a second. Then my door is thrown open and in walks Relena, just like she owns the place. Under normal circumstances my room is open territory for her but she doesn’t know what’s going on. I think it’s time we filled her in. "Um… Lena…"

"De get your ass out of bed now. Its almost noon, I told Kerry that we’d be there for one and you promised you’d go this time so no backing out because I’m not taking no for an-" She stops mid sentence, her jaw literally dropping. The expression on her face is priceless.

I’m not modest but I know I’m blushing like crazy as I try to hide as much of my nakedness as possible behind the sheet I have clutched under my chin. When Duo pops his head up from the other side of the bed I turn beet red. He’s trying not to laugh as he leans on the bed resting his chin on his folded arms. This really wasn’t how I wanted her to find out. I know I’ll never live this down. "I can explain."

"Oh really?" She still looks shocked but the wheels in her head starting to turn. "I knew something was up with you two. I just knew it. All right, I am walking out of this room and I’m giving you five minutes to get presentable and then I want to know exactly what’s going on here. Understood?" She’s using her authoritative lawyer tone. Right now is not a good time to mess with her.

"Yes M'am." Duo and I both say at the same time.

I start laughing as she rolls her eyes in disgust muttering something about us even thinking alike. I look over at Duo and he grins and I realize that maybe there is such a thing as justice in the universe. And for the first time since I can remember I wonder if things can get any better…

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