Setting: In the ER of Cook County Hospital (duh). It takes place at sometime around 1600. The first scene takes place at the desk where Trowa, Relena, Wufei, Une, Duo, Quatre, and Sally are chatting.

Trowa: Order a stat ultrasound, rule out stone.

Relena: Yes Dr. Barton.

Wufei: Anything you want me to take?

Une: Don't give him anything, he already has eight cases.

Wufei: I can handle it woman.

Duo: Only six hours left in my shift.

Quatre: You just got here, why are you counting down the hours already?

Duo: It keeps me sane, you should try it sometime.

Quatre: Don't you have some blood pressures to take or something?

Duo: Ha. I already got them done. Plus I've already drawn blood AND sent all my patients down to radiology.

Trowa: I didn't order x-rays on all of them.

Duo: Ahh…I think I left the water running.

Wufei: Has anyone seen Heero? He's suppose to be the consult for the abdominal pain in 6.

Une: He's already in the room. I'm surprised you didn't notice him before.

Wufei: You wont notice him unless he wants to be noticed.

Sally: You shouldn't let him bother you. All surgeons all have a bit of arrogance.

Wufei: He doesn't bother me! But if you don't clean up that mess of a patient in 2 I'm going to start bothering you.

Sally: Too late. Une would you give me a hand?

Une: Depends on what I'm getting myself into.

Sally: I've never known you to back down from a challenge before.

Une: The last time someone asked me for a hand I ended up knee deep in the worst smelling…excretements. Why don't you con Duo into it?

Sally: I would, but he's off cleaning up his own mess. Quatre? Would you be so kind?

Quatre: As long as you do my next lice shampooing.

Sally: It's a deal.

Une: So Wufei, did you hear about the new head of the department? I hear he's pretty amazing.

Wufei: It is inconsequential. This place will run the same way it has with or without new management.

Une: Well, maybe we will finally get someone worthy of the position. What about you

Trowa?

Trowa: Hn.

Une: I figured as much. It would just be nice if we had someone in charge who actually knew what he was doing. Guess that is my cue to get back to work.

SCENE 2

Setting: Exam room 2. Sally and Quatre are working on the patient Duke Dermail.

Sally: Now Mr. Dermail you're gonna have to stop moving or we can't clean the wounds.

Dermail: That's Duke Dermail to you missy! Ouch!

Quatre: We must clean you up or you could get an infection and if that happens you're

going to be in more pain than you are in now.

Dermail: Well hurry it up then.

Sally: Maybe next time you wont pick a fight with your cat.

Dermail: He was looking so smug that I had to put him into his place.

Quatre: It's a cat.

Dermail: Even cats have thoughts of world domination.

Quatre: And your kitty shows his need for dominance how?

Dermail: He pisses in my favorite chair and claws up my dirty magazines.

Sally: Ever considered getting him neutered?

Dermail: I would never consider taking away his manhood!

Sally: It was just a suggestion.

Dermail: Keep any other suggestions to yourself.

Quatre: That isn't a very nice way to…

Dermail: Same goes for you nursey boy.

Sally: I'll be right back Quatre.

Dermail: No who's this?

Sally: This is one of our other nurses, Duo.

Dermail: Another fruity boy?

Duo: Who are you calling a fruity boy you box of kitty litter! And what kind of maggots got to your face? You look like you lost a battle with a rabid dog!

Sally: Actually it was a cat.

Duo: They'll let just about anyone in here wont they?

Sally: Thank you Duo. You can go back to whatever you were doing before.

Duo: I would except I lost my toothpick.

Sally: Just go!

Quatre: Any other problems Duke?

Dermail: No.

SCENE 3

Setting: Hallway.

Duo: Sheesh, she could have been a little more gentle. She just glows maternal radiance. Hello, wonder what we got coming in.

Wufei:

Duo: Hey Wu-man, what's the excitement?

Wufei: Blunt trauma.

Duo: I was hoping for a little more excitement then that.

Wufei: Every case has the potential to turn for the worst so every person who comes through that door gets the same care. Now are you going to stand there or are you going to prep the trauma room.

Duo: Well I was considering just standing here.

Wufei:

Duo: I'm going.

Wufei: So what do you got?

Paramedic #1: 32 year old female ended up on the wrong end of a baseball bat. Complains of upper right quadrant pain. BP stable…(well I'm not going to bore you with all the technical stuff cuz I'm not actually writing this so that I can write trauma scenes…so lets omit all that goofy hospital gab get back to the normal talking.)

Duo, and the paramedics are joined by Noin and Une>

Wufei: On my count. One, two, three.

Patient: I feel much better really. I think I'll just leave now.

Wufei: Where do you think you're going?

Patient: To kill my little brother for hitting me with a baseball bat.

Wufei: You could have some serious internal injuries.

Patient: It was just a nerf bat…I don't see why my neighbors had to call 911.

Duo: You mean you got hit with one of those foam bat things?

Patient: Actually it was just soft plastic, but it still hurt like a bitch.

Wufei: Move her to exam room 4 and give her the once over before sending her home.

Duo: Now lady, I'm gonna have to learn your bro's secret for being able to hit so hard.

When I had those bats I could barely hit the ball three feet.

Wufei: Duo! At least pretend you're a professional!

Duo: I thought I was.

SCENE 4

Setting: hallway again. Duo and Hilde are tossing a football.

Duo: Man this place can sure get boring.

Hilde: What do you expect when you have a job dependant on people injuring themselves.

Duo: At least we'll always be in demand.

Sally: Can you make it a three-way?

Duo: Sure baby, anytime.

Hilde: Duo! Please start thinking with your other head.

Duo: I knew what she meant.

Sally: Who's that?

Hilde: I don't know, I've never seen him before.

Duo: Let's go snoop.

Hilde: Relena'll know. Unit secretaries, like psychics, know everything.

Duo: Let's have a little fun shall we?

Hilde: And what do you have in mind?

Sally: I don't think you should have asked.

Sally: This isn't going to work.

Duo: Shhh, they'll hear you.

Hilde: I can't hear a thing!

Wufei: And as for the rest of the team, they're all a bunch of idiots.

Duo: What are you talking about Wu-man?

Wufei: I rest my case. Duo, I'd like you and your other comrades hiding behind the counter to meet Trieze Kushrenada. He's the new head of the department.

Duo: Great to meet you. Say, do you know if there's any room in the budget for a ra…

Hilde: You idiot, don't start pressing him for a raise yet! He just got here. Give him a couple hours to warm up.

Sally: You're both hopeless.

SCENE 5

Setting: Par stock(layman's terms--big supply closet) Hilde and Noin are doing inventory.

Noin: So did you get a chance to meet the new head of the department?

Hilde: Yeah, unfortunately I met him the Duo way. Sally and I must have looked like complete idiots.

Noin: Look on the bright side, he's met so many people today he's probably already forgotten who you are.

Une: Who is that beautiful creature out there?

Noin: Guess who's got a crush.

Une: What do you mean?

Hilde: Yup, she's got it bad.

Une: Who is he?

Noin: You mean you really don't know?

Hilde: Well it's kinda obvious that she doesn't. Just look at that face, she looks like she just saw an elephant in a tutu.

Une: Don't leave me hanging!

Noin: He's the new head of the department.

Hilde: Treize Cushion or something like that.

Noin: Kooshdenada?

Hilde: Something like that except less Spanish sounding and more regal.

Noin: You know what really makes a name sound regal?

Hilde: What?

Noin: When you have to spit in order to pronounce it right.

Hilde: I hope you brought an umbrella.

Noin: So what do you think Une?

Une:

Noin: Earth to Une...come in Une.

Hilde: Quick...get me a nerf bat.

SCENE 6

Setting: Break room, sometime around dinnertime. Sally, Quatre, Noin,

and Trowa are eating.

Noin: I'm surprised that Duo didn't try to switch breaks with you two.

Sally: The walking stomach hasn't even talked to me since that incident that I drug him into.

Quatre: He /was/ called a fruity boy.

Sally: You were too, more or less.

Quatre: But that really doesn't bother me. Duo, on the other hand, takes a lot of offence from that even if he doesn't show it.

Noin: You would think that he of all people wouldn't care.

Trowa: He hides his true feelings behind a mask of happiness, but under that there is a human being just as fragile as the rest of humanity.

Sally: Right...

Quatre: What I think he's trying to say is that you should go apologize to him.

Noin: Why is it that whenever Trowa speaks it's some prophetic babble that comes out?

Sally: Move over Confucius, Trowa says braided boy hide many thing in hair.

SCENE 7

Setting: Ambulance bay. Heero is out smoking candy ciggies (hey!! Its rated PG yah know!!) and Duo comes out.

Duo: Can I bum one?

Heero: It's a bad habit you know.

Duo: I just feel like I need one.

Heero: Tough day?

Duo: You could say that. Why is it that people just can't accept male nurses? They act as if the only thing men are good for is being doctors, no offense.

Heero: Hn.

Sally: Hey Duo, I was wondering if I could have a word with you.

Heero: I was just leaving.

Duo: What is it that you want?

Sally: I kinda brought you into a sticky situation earlier and I wanted to apologize. But I do think that you handled yourself very well.

Duo: Nani?? What do you mean?

Sally: Well, because of you I don't think that old Dukey will never make a comment like that again. I'm surprised he didn't wet himself.

Duo: You really think so?

Sally: I know so, that old scratching post will think twice before messing with you again.

Duo: You're right! I know that if I was him I wouldn't want to run into me. I shall fight the evil discrimination and cut down the borders of gender differences. I shall conquer all who speak foully of male nurses everywhere!!

Ouch…my tooshie.

Sally: Want me to kiss it and make it better?

Duo: Would you?

SCENE 8

Setting: Unit Secretary's desk. Relena's pretending to do some work and Une is daydreaming over a chart.

Une: He's so dreamy. Trieze Kushrenada. Head of the department…Head Trieze. What I wouldn't do to get into those scrubs.

Relena: You do realize that you're talking out loud.

Une: Opps.

Relena: Although he is pretty good looking.

Une: So Relena, are you going to give me the scoop on him or what?

Relena: Even though it is more fun to watch you suffer, I guess I'll spill. He graduated from Harvard Medical School top of his class. Worked at Lutheran General for a total of two years before becoming their most decorated ER physician. He was offered the position here. Makes ninety-eight grand a year. He enjoys fine red wine, strolls by the water at night, and backgammon.

Une: Thanks Relena.

Duo: Hey Lena, what's up with Une? She looks like she's got her head up someone's…uh, never mind.

Relena: She doesn't look /that/ odd.

Duo: If I didn't know better I'd say she's in love or something ridiculous like that.

Relena: What would be so ridiculous about Une being in love?

Duo: Other then the fact that she hangs on to that Princess Leia look even though it's been dead from decades? And what is it with those pink ribbons? They don't even go good with the color of her scrubs.

Relena: You're obnoxious. Oh by the way, Wufei wanted me to send you into 4. Said something about a sliver.

Duo: Don't tell me I have to fish out a sliver again!! What is it that I'm the one who always gets these people?

Relena: I have no idea…

SCENE 9

Setting: Exam room 4. Duo is entering with a pair of tweezers.

Duo: Hello Mrs. Septum, I'm Duo, your nurse.

Mrs. Septum: I…uh (hic) got a sliver (hic) in my tooshie.

Duo: Might I ask how you got a sliver in your tooshie?

Mrs. Septum: I…um. Well (hic) the pool boy and I (hic) and we have (hic) wood floors.

Duo: I really don't need to know anymore. So do you have any kids?

Mrs. Septum: Yeah, I (hic) got three kids and (hic) ten grandkids.

Duo: And yet you're doing the pool boy?

Mrs. Septum: My husband (hic) can't get it up.

Duo: Uh..yeah. Do you hiccup often?

Mrs. Septum: Only when I drink (hic).

Duo: Mind if I ask you how much you drink then?

Mrs. Septum: I'm not (hic) sure.

Duo: Let me rephrase that…when was the last time you were sober?

Mrs. Septum: 1984!!

SCENE 10

Setting: Hallway. Sally, Hilde, and Dorothy are chatting.

Sally: You mean he actually…

Dorothy: Yup.

Hilde: And you?

Dorothy: Right.

Sally: Man that must have been amazing.

Dorothy: It was.

Hilde: I can't believe you got to see him.

Dorothy: Not only see him but…

Hilde: You're kidding!!

Dorothy: No joke

Sally: I still can't believe it.

Hilde: I honestly never thought that he would.

Dorothy: He did.

Sally: I still can't believe that he would let you do that.

Dorothy: I can't believe it either, but it's true. Wufei did ask me to do a psych consult on /the/ Lieutenant Tuberoff!!

SCENE 11

Setting: Break room. Trowa, Zechs, Noin, and Une are sitting and "enjoying" extremely strong coffee a la Duo.

Noin: I'm sure that the duct tape will do the job.

Une: I'm not sure.

Trowa: Hn.

Zechs: It can't be that hard to fix the problem. I mean it doesn't seem to be very detrimental to anyone, couldn't you just live with it?

Noin: You try living with it.

Hilde: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!

Une: The Spam bandit strikes again.

Trowa: How did it happen this time?

Hilde: There I was minding my own business programming the EKG and next thing I

know I had…urgh!! It was so nasty!

Une: I can't believe he keeps doing that with that processed meat. I mean it was bad enough when he filled our lockers with slime mold just to see how long it could live, but to do THAT with Spam?? It's utterly ridiculous.

Zechs: No one ever said that Duo was normal in any way.

Hilde: But you would think that he could restrain himself and not torment us with canned

ham!!

Trowa: I haven't been bothered by it.

Noin: I bet you're next on the hit list. I can just image you're reaction when that meat starts sliding down your skin. All wet and slimy.

Trowa: Something must be done.

Une: I have an idea, but you'll all have to be a bit conniving.

Hilde: When it comes to getting Duo back, I'll be a little devil.

SCENE 12 (Beginning of Operation Payback)

Setting: Nurses station. Duo is hunched over a chart muttering about slivers when Hilde and Sally approach.

Sally: Hey Duo, heard you had a run in with someone's tooshie.

Duo: Thanks for reminding me.

Hilde: You know Duo, you're the perfect nurse for those cases.

Duo: And what is that suppose to mean?

Hilde: Oh come on, we know how much you like wrinkles.

Sally: Look at your scrubs, do you even wash those things or do you wear them till they can walk by themselves?

Duo: That's not even funny.

Hilde: Oh Duo-pooh, are you getting mad?

Duo: No.

Sally: If I didn't know any better I'd say he was really mad at us.

Hilde: I think you might be right Sally, he looks about ready to spit fire or maybe the pressure inside his head will keep increasing exponentially until his skull can't contain it anymore and then we'll be covered in brain matter.

Duo: Humpf

Sally: You think he's gonna go there?

Hilde: Where else would he go?

Sally: Let's just hope that Une's plan works.

Hilde: Has she ever let us down?

Sally: Well there was the Christmas fiasco.

Hilde: It would have been perfectly executed if oh braided one didn't get his hair stuck in the mixer.

Sally: Why did he put it in there in the first place?

Hilde: Something about whipping it to make it softer, but who knows what he was thinking.

Sally: Shall we check up on the rest of the plan?

Hilde: Lets.

SCENE 13

Setting: Men's washroom. Trowa and Zechs are performing their portion of operation payback.

Zechs: How do we know that he'll come here?

Trowa: Because he always comes her whenever he gets extremely agitated.

Zechs: Are thos two really good enough to get "he who is ever so happy" mad?

Trowa: They find it amusing to see who can anger him faster. Ok, we're done; let's get out of here before he comes.

Zechs: Speak of the devil.

Trowa: Act casual.

Zechs: Hi there Duo.

Duo: Not now.

Zechs: How long till he notices?

Trowa: Three…two…one.

Duo: I'm gonna kill ya!!

Hilde: Everything ok?

Sally: I'd say so.

Hilde: I'll go tell Une that the mission was a success.

Trowa: I'll have Wufei check in on him, I'm pretty sure that I'm the last person he wants to see right now.

Sally: I'll go call maintance.

Zechs: Guess I'll just stand here.

SCENE 14

Setting: Exam room 1. Wufei and Quatre are attempting to repair the damage to Duo caused by operation payback.

Quatre: Patient complains of foreign object attached to posterior. States "was just sitting down on the john". Maintaince detached patient from structure in order for proper removal. Patient appears deeply agitated from incident. Manufacturer of glue contacted for proper treatment of skin contact.

Wufei: Stop moving! It'll never come off if you keep moving like that!

Duo: It hurts! Stop pulling on it.

Quatre: I'm afraid that you brought this upon yourself. I've been hearing about your attacks with salami.

Duo: It's Spam.

Quatre: You mean that canned meat?

Duo: That'd be it.

Quatre: May I ask what you did with the offending pig muscle?

Duo: Well, Spam has this taboo about it. Everyone seems to have at least a can of it in their possession, but no one actually eats it. So I made a use for it other then giving it to a food drive. Spam itself is abnormal in consistency; it has a substance coating it with a molecular structure that causes any one who it comes in contact with to shudder uncontrollably, ultimately causing the person to be rendered helpless for a few minutes.

Quatre: What?

Wufei: How can you possibly believe such utterly senseless garbage?

Duo: But it's true, I read...OWW!! Would you be careful? That's a really sensitive area!

Quatre: Just because you read about it doesn't make it true.

Duo: But I've witnessed it quite a few times. It's proved my hypothesis.

Quatre: Did I honestly hear Duo say hypothesis? Wufei, pinch me, I think I'm dreaming.

Wufei: I will not touch you, do it yourself.

Quatre: But don't you find it a bit odd that Duo is talking this way?

Wufei: I'm sure there is a reason for Maxwell's sudden "intelligence".

Duo: Don't you even want to hear my hypothesis?

Wufei: I'd rather not; it's bad enough that I'm here attempting to pull this seat off your rear.

Duo: Too bad, I'm gonna say it anyways. I'm trying to prove that with repeat contact with Spam the reaction it causes will increase.

Wufei: Great, semi-natural rufies(I appologize that I haven't figured out the actual spelling to that drug yet).

Quatre: Where on Earth did you get an idea like this?

Duo: From my Experiments with Spam Volume 2 Unabridged Version.

Quatre: Uh, right.

Duo: ITAAAIIIIII!!!!

Wufei: I'm done here. Finish up here, I'm going to dinner.

Duo: Sure, he has an appetite.

Quatre: Well you are definitely going to be sore for a couple days. You should really give up your "Spam experiments". Next time they might not play so gentle.

SCENE 15

Setting: Nurses station. Time is 2000. Everyone is reporting off to the night shift.

Duo: I am gonna get you guys back.

Sally: Now what are you talking about?

Hilde: I have no clue.

Duo: You know exactly what I'm talking about.

Trowa: It might have something to do with his new style of walking.

Duo: I can't believe they got you in on this Trowa. I would have thought that you of all people would stick up for me!

Trowa: "…?"

Duo: Guess you can't count on anyone these days.

Wufei: What are you complaining about? I had to see your…

Duo: Hey! I have a nice ass thank you very much.

Une: Hopefully you learned a lesson.

Duo: Nope, I'll just have to get you all back next time.

Noin: Can't wait, what will it be this time? Sardines?

Une: Don't give him ideas.

Quatre: This can only end in trouble.

Sally: Good thing our shift is over.

Hilde: Yeah sure, now we only have to start worrying the next time we come back to

work.

Quatre: Well I said...

Sally: I bet you're gonna be the next victim.

Hilde: Imagine the feeling of those gooey fish running down your skin.

Trowa: It starts anew.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

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