After Colony- 198

Crawling in my skinbrThese wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

I sit on the cold blue-tiled floor of the shower stall, my back pressed against the wall, and think about the night's events. I know that I have really screwed things up now.
Nothing can ever be the same after tonight.

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling

I sit with my legs bent, spread wide, my feet resting flat on the floor. My elbows rest on my knees and I chew pensively on my thumbnail. My long bangs, falling across my forehead down the left side of my face, the ends brushing my chin, begin to cling to my face as the water pours down on me from the shower. I brush them behind my ear absently; my hair is beginning to turn a shiny deep blue from the water.
I knew I loved Duo. I had fallen in love with him from day one, when he came into my life and turned it upside down with his sincere dedication to the colonies and his intense belief that people should fight for what they truly believed in. How could I stay with OZ after that?
But I knew better than that, really. I bite down hard on my lower lip now, tears beginning to sting my eyes. As much as I know I love Duo, he is not the reason I left OZ- I had changed my mind about that long before I met Duo. He was only my chance to finally get out.
Another man had shown me my true self a long time ago, opened my eyes to what was really going on in the world. And I loved him for it, would always love him.
He is always there: Under my skin, coursing through my veins, consuming my dreams, my fantasies.
I am in love with Heero Yuy.

I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in

A tear trickles slowly down my cheek as more begin to blur my vision. The steam from the hot water of the shower rises around me, wrapping me in a damp, white velvet haze. Coupled with the thoughts racing through my mind, I have never felt so trapped before.

(Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

If Duo never guessed how I felt before, I know that he definitely knows now. Somehow, I think he has always known. We never talk about Heero, even though Duo sees him often at work. He had disappeared for a long time after the Mariemaia incident, and for a while I forgot about him, too wrapped up with Duo and our steadily growing romance.
But then, suddenly, Heero came back and as soon as Duo told me that he had joined with Preventer, I was lost again. Every time I glimpsed him on the news, always by Vice Foreign Minister Relena Darlian's side, I wouldn't be able to function properly for the rest of the day. I know Duo sensed this, though he never asked why, and I guess that's why we never talk about him.
But he is always there. And now that I have proved my innermost feelings to Duo, I know I have not only lost myself once again, but I've lost Duo, too.
The thing that scares me most, though, is that I don't feel a thing.

Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

I run a hand back through my soaked hair, the blue-black strands falling in silky tangles to my shoulders. His name forms on my lips and I close my eyes and sigh it.
"Heero."
I know he has probably moved on with his life, much like I thought I had. He is a part of the elite Preventer sniper unit that accompanies Relena everywhere she goes. Her personal bodyguards, I suppose. I also know that Heero has been sighted with Relena while not on duty as well, and he is even rumored to be staying in her private estate with her.
A sad, bitter smile curves my lips. He is probably sleeping with her, not that I should be surprised. He has always loved her anyway. And Relena is my friend. I should be happy for her, I know. After all, Heero was the one who branded me, it wasn't the other way around.
Still, I think about the last time we were together, two years ago, right before he and Duo went off to fight Mariemaia and her army. How /he/ came to /me/. My breath grows shallow and I feel the familiar wetness between my legs that always comes with the thought of Heero. I stop chewing my thumbnail and slide my hand down my body, passing lightly over my sex to caress my inner thighs, opening my legs wider to let the strong spray of the shower hit my sensitive femininity, gently working my desire. I close my eyes again and sigh once more.
"Heero."
I can't help but wonder if he thinks about me as well- Maybe I am always there, too.
Under his skin.

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting

I let my mind drift back to tonight again, and I realize that maybe it was doomed from the start. Maybe Duo and I were doomed from the start as well, since I knew that it would eventually lead up to this one day anyway.
The night had been going well at first. It was a Saturday and it had been raining all day, so we decided to stay home tonight and watch movies on the television.
Of course, we weren't watching for very long. Duo's attention span has always been fairly short, but it's even shorter when we are alone together. Before I knew it, Duo was on top of me, pinning me down into the couch with his body, my legs wrapped around his hips as our lips and tongues played erotically, passionately. Duo's hand had crept up under my tank top and was fervently squeezing my right breast, delighted that I was braless beneath the thin white material.
I had been too lost in the sensations of his tongue, his hand, and the very prominent bulge in his tight Preventer uniform pants against my inner thigh to notice the urgency of Duo's kisses and caresses, how hungry he seemed. How /needy/. Only when he finally broke our kiss and lifted my face to his with his hand, when I looked up into his big violet eyes and saw the desperation there, did I really notice.
"Don't stop," I had moaned with a smile, pushing my hips up into his insistently and grinding against him. He gently pushed me back down, though, and I knew then that something was wrong.
"Hilde, you know I love you, right?" Duo had asked then, his voice choked with emotion. I nodded, silent, and reached up to push a long strand of chestnut hair that had fallen loose from his braid behind his ear.
Duo seemed to struggle for a moment then, lowering his eyes. When he finally regained his composure, he looked back up, his eyes clear, imploring. He asked me then.
"Hilde... Will you marry me?"
My heart stopped, my breath catching in my throat. I couldn't breathe; I wanted to throw up. Not at all the emotions I knew I should be feeling. But how could I feel anything else when I knew that half of the time I had spent with Duo was a lie, spent pretending he was Heero?
They almost resembled each other, so it had been easy- The only differences were that Duo's eyes were violet and larger, while Heero's were a deep Prussian blue. And Duo's face was softer and more open, friendlier, conveying a sense of vulnerability, while Heero's was chiseled, sculpted, almost manufactorily perfect, like the rest of him...
My silence must have shown Duo that the emotions running through my mind and body went completely against those I should have been feeling and his face hardened, the amethyst eyes darkening. I must have had Heero written all over my face.
"Damn it, Hilde," was all Duo said as he stood up, grabbing his Preventer uniform jacket from the floor and tugging it on viciously. I watched him silently, unable to explain myself, unable to lie anymore, as he ripped his car keys from the hook by the door and stormed outside, slamming the door violently behind him. Only when I heard him rev the engine, and then the squeal of tires as he pealed out of the driveway, did I finally get up, deciding to take a long shower so I could think.
Duo had been nothing but good to me. I still loved him, but that urge that had always been crawling under my skin pulled me away, numbed me. Still, I felt nothing for what had happened.

Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...

I stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom for a long time, staring at my reflection. Eyes made even bluer by the heavy black liner that circled them stared back at me: Empty, devoid of the shame and guilt I should have felt over Duo. I couldn't even pretend anymore.
Reaching up, I took out the pins that had been holding my twisted-up hair. The silky strands of blue-black hair tumbled down to my shoulders and I shook it out. I absently twirled one strand while I reached behind me with my other hand, finding the hem of my tank top to take it off. He overtook me then.
Cold steel touched my bare shoulder, trailing down my back slowly, seductively. My hand poised on the hem of my tank top became large, male. I sighed pleasurably as his hand touched bare skin, lovingly caressing the tatoo I had just recently gotten on that soft hollow of flesh where my waist curved down to my hip- A black rose on a thorned vine dripping with blood. Duo had found it incredibly sexy, the dark colors against my pale skin. I could tell by the pleased smirk curving Heero's full, sensuous lips that he thought it was sexy, too.
I gazed at him through the mirror. He was dressed in the stolen black OZ uniform I had first met him in, the cap pulled low over his eyes. The Prussian irises glittered under the shadows. He continued to stroke me with both his gun and his hand, the hand reaching around to fondle my breasts. I groaned.
Pushing myself away from the mirror, I stopped making love to my own breast with my hand and shook my head to clear it. Duo was gone, probably forever, and all I could do was fantasize about Heero. I knew I could never marry Duo.
Stripping out of the rest of my clothes, I opened the shower stall door and went inside. I cranked the hot water up full blast, letting the steam fill my nostrils, intoxicating me, and slid slowly down the wall with my back to sit down.
I needed to think.

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before
So insecure

I continue to stroke my inner thighs lazily, the water pounding against my open sex, penetrating me. My other hand twirls a strand of hair gently. I know how I must look, sitting sprawled, open, provocative.
Waiting for Heero.
I stop twirling my hair. I can't think anymore. There's nothing to think about anyway- My body, my soul, they are both branded forever. Even my love for Duo, or rather, my /affection/, can't change that.
Closing my eyes, my hand travels back down my body to meet my other hand at my breasts, cupping them gently. I love touching my breasts. They are small, but so soft and perfectly round, with lush nipples tipped perkily, and they have always made a nice fit in Duo's large hands. And Heero's...
I whimper softly as I fondle my breasts, rubbing my thumbs over the hard pink nipples, and I can feel myself growing hotter, wetter in my nether regions. He finally takes over again.
The large, rough hands cover mine and push, making me fondle myself harder. I open my eyes and there he is- Tanned, well-muscled body clad only in tight black spandex shorts, the material soaked through and clinging to his skin, clearly defining the incredible hardness straining against the front. The long, dark peaks of his bangs, soaked as well, hang in his eyes. The same smile I glimpsed earlier in the mirror still curves his lips, and the Prussian blue eyes sparkle lustfully as he bends his head to suckle my cupped breasts, both at the same time.
I cry out, pinching my nipples hard; Heero bites down. I snake one hand back down between my legs, parting my nether lips with my middle and index fingers and beginning a teasing caressing of my clitoris with my little finger. Heero moves his head back up to kiss me; I insinuate another finger inside my tight, wet channel.
Heero breaks our kiss after a long moment and takes my free hand, pulling it towards the waistband of his shorts. I slowly pull the soaked spandex down his hips and off, exposing his gorgeous cock, rock-hard and fully erect. I slip another finger inside myself at the sight of it and Heero moves closer to me, poising his cock inches from my entrance, teasing. We kiss once more and he pushes inside.

Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

I break our kiss this time and watch him as he thrusts into me, over and over again. The water from the shower, coupled with my own pumping fingers, pushes me closer to the edge, numbing me further of any feelings about Duo or what happened tonight. I am lost to sensation and my own created vision of Heero.
I run my hands down his heaving chest, the hard pectoral muscles contracting under my palms with each downward thrust of his body. I finally find what I am looking for.
Wetting one finger in Heero's inviting mouth, I trail it down to the long, jagged white scar cutting across the bronzed flesh of his chest- His first battle scar. I trace it lovingly and bend my head to lick it, eliciting a low groan of pleasure from Heero. I have claimed this part of him for myself.
I don't know why I am so attracted to his scar. I think that maybe I love it so because it not only exemplifies his bravery and persistence on the battlefield- It is also a reminder of how truly human he is. I remember when I had first learned about the infamous Gundam pilot Heero Yuy, the "perfect solider", I was immediately enthralled by him. Being with OZ, I had been able to find out the most top-secret information on him, and I strived to learn all I could. But only when he was sent to kill me for my possible participation in a new OZ mobile suit projectt did I truly find out about Heero Yuy.
And I fell in love.
He captured me, dug a hole into my soul that could never be filled by anyone else. Not even Duo.
I throw my head back against the shower wall, bucking my hips wildly into my hand, three fingers deep. Heero continues to fuck me, his thrusts merciless, yet deliberate, making sure I feel every part of him. He fucks the way he fights: Thorough and relentless. With Duo, I was made love to; with Heero I am simply /fucked/, our passion raw and purely physical. I don't want it any other way.
I tangle my fingers in his hair, pulling him closer to me. He angles his body and bears down on my harder, grunting with the exertion. I cry out; his tongue thrusting into my mouth silences me.
I know that he loves me. With Heero, I've never needed words.

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing

I curl my fingers upwards inside myself, stroking in the direction of my navel. I touch my most sensitive spot; the torture is almost over. I close my eyes.
I will say good-bye to Duo forever.
Heero moves up now, almost pulling completely out of me. Suddenly, he slams back down again, the ridges of his cock hitting my sensitivity. I rake my nails down his back, drawing blood. He grunts loudly, throbbing inside me.
We scream in unison, coming at the same time. Clear fluid pours from my sex, covering my fingers. Heero's creamy seed rushes through my body, flushing me with warmth.
The water is cold now.

This lack of self control I fear is never ending

I lean back against the shower wall and open my eyes slowly. I am alone again. Gently, I pull my fingers out, raising them to my mouth to lick off the sweet, sticky fluid.
I quickly finish cleaning myself, not bothering to stand up. The water is frigid now, numbing my body. I lean forward on all fours and crawl over to the faucet handles to shut the shower off.
I stay still for a moment, listening to my teeth chatter from the cold and the aftermath of my fucking, watching droplets of water fall to the blue tiles as they drip from my hair, my bangs hanging in my face. Outside the bathroom door, the house is completely silent; Duo is not back. I can feel the same male hand touching between my legs again, tracing my slit lazily with one finger. I sigh and slowly slide my finger back up.
Heero.
I know what I have to do.
I get out of the shower and walk naked to the room I shared with Duo, not caring that the house is still dark, silent, or that the glowing green numbers on the digital clock by our bed read 2:15 am and Duo is still gone. Maybe it's better that he's not here to see me- Consumed, crazy, following my most basic of urges, one that will probably end up getting me killed or worse yet, leaving me to live alone, with nothing to keep me going but this same venom crawling through my veins right now.
Maybe it's better that he doesn't see me, proving any and all of his suspicions about me right. Better that he doesn't see the Hilde he thinks he's known all these years, the Hilde he never knew.
The one that is really me.
Crazy, consumed.
I still have to try.
Pulling on a pair of dark, faded blue jeans, the waistband cut off to reveal my hipbones and the tatoo on my back, and a tight black tank top, I twist up my hair and clip it back up. I line my eyes quickly with black kohl and slide my favorite dark red lipstick on.
I have to try.
Rummaging Duo's Preventer directory out of his underwear drawer, I find the page I'm looking for and tear it out: Heero Yuy's address. I don't think he's with Relena. I know he must feel this, too, this craziness. Otherwise he would have never come back the second time.
As I'm leaving the bedroom for the last time, I glimpse the framed picture of Duo and I after the first war, when I finally got out of the hospital. We're sitting on the hood of Duo's car, arms wrapped around each other, smiling like the happiest couple in the world. And we were. I kiss my fingertips and touch them to Duo's sweet, photographed face. I know I will always hold a place for him in my heart, somewhere. But I can't stay. And I can never marry him.
Heero will always be there.
Under my skin.


Controlling...

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