Part One
~~~~~~
He was going home. Hilde, he thought almost reverently. I'm coming home. He sighed as he looked out the shuttle window.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Duo heard someone ask. He looked over to see an old man sitting in the seat next to him. He looked old and worn, wrinkled and bald, but his eyes were alight with a spark rarely seen in people. Duo instantly liked the man. He had a mischief in his eyes that often, Duo could find in his own. Duo smiled.
"What's it to you?" Duo asked, not disrespectfully, but somewhat still off guard. The old man chuckled.
"You look happy. Spread the wealth. So who is she?" the man asked, a knowing glint in his eyes. It was Duo's turn to laugh.
"Just thinking about going home," Duo said.
"Ahhhh. I see. So this girl, then, she lives with you. Eh?" the man said, winking at Duo.
"Yeah, well, I live with her actually, but it's not like that. I mean, she's my best friend. She's pretty great, too," Duo said.
"So, this 'friend'," the man continued, obviously not believing Duo, "tell me what she's like. And speak up, son, it's not like it's some big secret." In all truth, Duo had been trying to keep quiet to let the other passengers sleep, but an in-flight movie had begun, and so most were watching that now instead. Duo thought for a moment about what to say, and just the thought of Hilde made him smile.
"Well, she's a tiny little thing, about 5'7", real petit. She's got hair so black, it's almost blue, and her eyes are this light periwinkle blue, real soft, and kinda sweet, until she gets some idea stuck in her head. I swear I never met an angel with devil horns before, but she manages it, somehow. It's not that bad though, living with a girl I mean. At first, I thought it'd be hard an all, but the girl's got a great sense a humor, you know?" Duo laughed as memories flooded his mind.
"You wouldn't believe some of the things she does to tease me! We have this days, they're called PMS, right? Cause I was giving her a hard time about being crabby, and it was my fault really. So the next morning was Saturday, and she got up early and made pancakes. When I came out, she had turned on some oldies music, and we were singing and dancing and having a great old time. Then, came the hitch. As I sat down to eat, she wouldn't let me have a plate. Now, for a tiny thing, she sure can be illusive! I swear, I must have chased her around that kitchen for ten minutes! Finally, she told me that I had to yell out to the whole neighborhood that I was having PMS, cause it stands for Pancakes and Music on Saturday right, only, the neighborhood doesn't know that," Duo stopped, reliving the memory.
"Well, what happened?!" asked the old man. "You didn't actually yell that out did you?!"
"You sure bet I did! The neighbors to our right, the Johanson's, they still won't go near me, and it's been at least 7 months! But it was worth it. Hilde makes the best pancakes. Hell, she makes the best everything. You haven't had a good home-cooked meal, until you had one of her meals. She uses all natural stuff, too. Has a little herb garden around back that I set up for her. She still pays extra to buy that natural stuff, instead of the freeze-dried they bring up from earth, so everything tastes real good."
"I see," said the man. There was something about his tone Duo wasn't quite sure he liked.
"What?" he asked.
"Well, you're trying to tell me that you are just best friends with the person you live with and spend most of your time with. I mean I guess I can believe it. Either one of you dating?" the man asked nonchalantly. Just what is this guy getting at?! Duo wondered.
"No. I mean, we have, just not right now. There's been a lot of work at the shop so we haven't had much free time to-" Duo didn't get a chance to finish defending himself.
"The shop? What shop? Don't tell me you work together, too?" the man asked indignantly, a sly smile quickly hidden.
"Well, yeah. I mean she owns this scrap yard that she inherited after her uncle died, and she's been running it ever since. She doesn't have any family, so she lived there by herself before I came along. You see the shop's right next door to our house, and fixing stuff is pretty much the only thing I can do without even really thinking about it; it just comes naturally, I guess. She's pretty handy herself, too. But, you should see her after a long day, when her hairs a mess, and she's got grease and oil stains all over the place! She always gets this one across the left cheek from her thumb. She hides her figure under baggy clothes. She takes my shirts and pants all the time when she works. It's gotten to the point where I don't know if certain clothes are mine or hers." Duo laughed. "Anyway, the great thing about her is that even after a long day of being harassed by customers and working on things that seem hell bent on staying broken, she still can have enough energy to give me this smile. It's really great. It's like it's just this little thing that's telling me: 'look! we made it through another day! wasn't it fun! let's do it again!' It's this little thing that makes me happy to wake up in the morning, you know? Even if you had the worst day of your life, it's still there." Duo sat there for a moment, lost in his thoughts.
Man, this kid is blind, thought the old man. He doesn't even see it! He loves that girl, and he doesn't even realize just how bad he's in it! Well, I'll just have to help him then, won't I?
"Aww, come on. Nobody's that great, son. Not all the time!" the man said pulling Duo out of his reverie.
"Huh? Yeah, you're right. She's got her quiet days too. But that's okay. Sometimes she cries. I know she misses her family a lot. They died when she was little, in the war. She doesn't really talk about it, but I don't talk a lot about my past either, you know? I mean, I know about her past, and she knows about mine, but we don't have to go into it and be all philosophical to know that's what happens in war. Some days, I sit and hold her, others, I'll give her space.
"I remember this one time, during the war, I was having a hard time with things. It was even harder, because she was there, and I always feel like I have to be happy for everyone, like I have to be the joker and make people laugh so they don't feel so bad. Only one day, I was just so tired of it all. I felt like shit, but she was there, so I pretended like everything was okay. I just wanted to be left alone, but she wouldn't leave me. She took me to this park, and we walked along under these trees. It was quiet and she wasn't talking, so I started goofing off, trying to make her laugh and see that I was okay. Only, after the second or third joke, she stopped. She took my hand, and told me that it was okay; that I didn't need to be strong all the time; that I didn't need to be strong for her; that I could trust her. I'll never forget that."Duo sighed.
"You love her a lot, don't you, son?" the old man asked.
"Yeah, I mean, she's great, and she's my best friend, and I love her," Duo said in an offhand way.
"That's not what I meant. I mean you love her, don't you?" the man asked again. Duo turned to look at the man in the eyes. Was he crazy? Of course he didn't love her love her. She was just his great, smart, funny, rebellious, beautiful, crazy, sassy, best friend. Then it hit him, and hit him hard. Oh shit, he thought.
Duo moaned. "Awwww, man!"
The old man just sat there and laughed, as the shuttle began to dock.
"Well, now what am I suppose to do?!" Duo cried at the old man.
"You could tell her, you know," the old man said seriously.
"What?!" Duo cried. Tell her? The idea seemed ridiculous. He could just see Hilde's face laughing at him now, tears of mirth running down her cheeks. "Why would I want to do that?!"
"Because," the old man said soberly, "if you don't, she just might be waiting for you to say it, and one day, she might leave. She might get tired of waiting. She might get tired of playing around. Girls are funny that way. They'll settle for less, if they think that it's the best they can do. Most do have the courage to be alone, but they don't have the patience to wait for true love. You tell me, you seem to kind of know the girl," the man joked. They stood up and began to leave the shuttle. It was late, hours past sunset, and Hilde wouldn't know where or when he was getting back. But she would know that he was coming back. Right? Sudden fear surged through Duo. What if he got back, only to find her gone? Logically, it sounded crazy. Why would she up and leave, without a trace? But another part of him, that didn't seem to need logic to form told him otherwise. What if she was tired of waiting for him?
Duo began to run. The old man just laughed as he watched the boy go. That's right, thought the old man, go home.
~~~~~~
Part Two
~~~~~~
No matter how hard she tried, no matter which way she tossed or turned, no matter what she did, Hilde Shbeiker could not get to sleep. She lay on a rather comfortable mattress, with the comforters and pillows askew, and a white cotton sheet tangled amidst her legs. She donned a pair of Duo's flannel plaid pj bottoms and a white tank top. She wasn't sure if that was hers. She knew the pants were Duo's because they weren't sewn where the fly was like on a girl's pair. She smiled, playing with the fabric. Duo hadn't figured that out yet.
Her smile quickly turned into a frown as she remembered the reason for her lack of sleep. It wasn't that she was worried about him. No, she knew he was fine. She had seen the reports on tv. He had called a few days ago to tell her that he had some paperwork to finish up and then he would be heading home. And in all truth, she trusted him. She knew he wouldn't lie to her, especially about something like that.
Well...she had promised herself during the eve wars that she would wait a whole two weeks before going to help. Duo had made her promise not to fight, he just didn't say for how long. She hated the fact that everyone thought she was so weak. That she couldn't do anything without help. It was one of the reasons she ran her uncle's scrap yard: because her lawyer had told her that it would make sense for her to just sell it.
This time though, Duo had wised up and made her promise not to fight no matter what the circumstances. She wasn't even allowed to make a banner for a protest rally. Duo had covered all angles this time and it drove her crazy. She understood why. I love you Hilde. What would I do without you, huh? You're my best friend. She sat there remembering his words with a smile. Her smile widened as she remembered her own sassy response. Right. You mean personal chef and maid, don't you, Duo? He had just laughed, and hugged her before shipping out.
She sighed as she went over and opened the window to let some air into the room and smiled as a cool breeze whipped across her face. It was one of the reasons she liked this room better than her old one. There was always a cool breeze blowing through the window.
She thought back to when Duo had just moved in. Hilde hadn't put anything of hers in Duo's room because it had been her uncle's before that, and the idea of sleeping where her uncle used to sleep creeped her out. So Duo had gotten the master bedroom with the bathroom attached, while Hilde was just as happy in the room next door, and walking to the end of the hall for her morning shower.
Little did they both know how short that would last. They were both insomniacs with more than a few nightmares to keep them from even thinking about sleeping again. Hilde had gotten used to it over the years, but Duo hadn't. She heard him yelling one night, and ran in to find him screaming in his sleep. He didn't move, just lay there, white as the sheet, tears rolling down his cheeks while he screamed his voice out.
She woke him up to make sure he was okay, and they talked for awhile. Well, Duo did most of the talking, and before long, they both lay asleep. It happened a few more times, and they both began to notice that it was easier when the other was there to sleep, and dreamlessly. Then one night, while Duo lay in his bed staring at the ceiling and contemplating the universe, Hilde came in holding her pillow and looking like she had seen a ghost. She was shaking all over and her eyes were wide and scared, like a deer caught in the headlights.
"Duo," she had softly called. "Can I sleep in here with you tonight?"
And from then on, it was just a regular thing. Over time, Hilde moved her stuff in from the other bedroom and bathroom, and they just fell into sync, a kind of unspoken pattern forming between the two. When Hilde was turned on her side, they left each other alone. When she snuggled close or simply laid on his chest, it would be her signal that she wanted to be held. Some nights, Duo wouldn't stand for her cold shoulder though, and he would grab her waist and literally drag over to him, usually feigning load moaning of his struggle to move her resisting form.
Some nights they would talk, wether it be about their days or other serious things. Other nights they would watch a movie and relax. Others still they would have pillow fights, or build a fort on the floor to sleep in. Either way, Hilde never dreaded sleep-time, as Duo affectionately referred to it, because he was there to ward off the bad dreams, and bring her sleep.
But he was gone now, and it was obviously his fault she couldn't sleep. An angry pout crossed her lips, one that Duo told her was cute, which always managed to make it bigger. She fought back a smile. Duo was just one of those people you couldn't stay mad at for long. She tried to roll over into his warm arms, in a sign of defeat, only to realize he wasn't there.
Bad thoughts began to worm their way into her head. What if something happened to him that the media wasn't alerted to? What if he was hurt, and that's why he's taking so long to get home? What if...what if he just doesn't want to come back? That thought alone made shivers run down her spine. She hated worrying, especially over Duo. He was the first person she ever got close to who hadn't died. He was her only real friend.
Sure, Duo had other friends. Other women friends. Duo would come back after dates, and she knew that more often than not, he would sleep with them. Hilde, herself wasn't exactly inexperienced, but it still hurt her. He never spent the night at any of the women's houses, and he never brought them home. He would shower and change, then climb into bed and hold her until she fell asleep.
That was what hurt her the most: the fact that he felt obligated to come home to her, so she could sleep. It was so selfless of him to think about her like that, but it still angered her too. It angered her because she knew it was only going to hurt him in the long run. One day, he would have to commit to someone, and he couldn't be coming home to hold her. He was helping her just as much as he was helping himself. He got to shirk his responsibilities now, and have fun with any girl that came his way. Then he could come home afterwards and use her to get a good night's rest.
A little voice inside of her told her that she was overreacting and that Duo would never use her like he did so many other women, but that voice was little and easily overlooked in the cloud of anger. Another part still began to compare herself to the women that Duo went out with. They were all tall, shapely, and wore extremely revealing clothing. Hilde was short, a mere 5'7" to Duo's 5'11". She was shapely, Dou knew she had some serious curves. Yeah, well he's the only one, she thought bitterly. Hilde never wore revealing clothing, except for around the house she would occasionally wear short shorts, or a tight top, but she always evened it out. She would wear one of Duo's old shirts with the shorts, or a pair of big carpenter's pants with the tiny T.
God, would you listen to me! I'm comparing myself with the sluts that Duo goes out with, and for a moment, I was upset when I found out we had nothing in common! She laughed to herself and shook her head. Wait until I tell him I went crazy while he was gone. She could picture his face. He would pause, dumbfounded for a moment, then break into a smile and say something cheeky to make her laugh.
A sound below pulled her out of her reverie. A loud sound, like the sound Duo makes when he slams the front door....Duo!
~~~~~~
Part Three
~~~~~~
Duo slammed the door and dropped his duffel bag by the counter next to the kitchen peeking around the corner, hoping to find her eating a late night snack. She wasn't. He checked the couch to make sure she didn't fall asleep watching a movie or something. She hadn't. There was really only one place she could be. He ran up the stairs.
She bolted out of the bed as soon as she realized who it was at the door, and promptly fell onto the floor. Untangling herself from the sheets, she reprimanded herself about getting tangled in them in the first place. She herd someone running up the stairs and she knew those sounds better than she knew her own footsteps. Duo was the only person she knew with long enough legs to take their stairs three at a time. She raced to the door, and into the hallway, freezing as her eyes locked with his.
Duo stood at the top of the stairs, huffing and puffing, a little winded by his exercise. He looked up to see her standing there, one hand softly rest on the doorframe, her eyes full of surprise and delight. He couldn't help but smile. She was still here. His Hilde was here.
And then, in a motion so quick, neither remembered really moving, they were together. Her arms were wrapped around his neck, her legs around his stomach. His arms pulled the small of her back to him, supporting her. Tears intermingled down their cheeks. She placed soft, chaste kisses all over his face, as if by feeling it, she assured her mind he was real. He couldn't stop saying her name, over and over again, as though he had never said before, and he was testing it out on his tongue for the first time.
When her explorations finally reached his mouth, she didn't stop, and he didn't seem to care. Her soft, chaste kisses were soon returned with soft, chaste kisses of his own. Somewhere along the way, he, or maybe she, stopped pulling back, just to come back a second later for another taste. Their kisses became a kiss, deep and long, urgent and hungry. He couldn't seem to remember a time when a simple kiss had affected him so much, and she couldn't seem to remember why they hadn't done this before.
Their bodies were on fire. Hot waves of pleasure rippled through their bodies, tempting and torturing them to no end. Suddenly they were moving, as Duo walked somewhat awkwardly down the rest of the hall and into their room. As he walked she sagged a little, and she could feel his hardness rubbing up against her wetness. She broke the kiss and moaned, which only seemed to make him grow harder against her.
Duo didn't know what was happening, his whole world being filed with a cloudy haze that he really had no urge to break free from. The only thing that he could recognize was the smell of Hilde's perfume all around him, and the feel of clothing that was quickly turning into skin.
That realization was enough to break hi somewhat of his reverie. He opened his eyes, and almost literally tossed Hilde onto the bed, jumping on her not a half second after her. Suddenly, Duo also realized he had hands.
Hilde felt as Duo began running his hands along her stomach and up to her breasts, already pert from rubbing up against his bare chest. His hands were soft, but calloused and brought agony in a warm torture on her body. She moaned again and her whole body arched towards his.
Duo froze. He could feel every inch of Hilde's body pressed up against his. In a frenzy that even amazed himself, he deftly divested them of the rest of their clothes. His mouth found hers as he entered her and began rocking back and forth, his length rubbing against her clit in the sweetest of fashions.
Their pace wasn't fast, but it definitely wasn't slow. He forced himself to open his eyes and watch her face contorted with pleasure each time he dove inside of her. Duo had to fight for control after that. He couldn't stand to watch her and not want to cum. Her brow was furrowed in deep concentration, and she was biting her pouting lip.
He was amazed as her name once again found itself on his lips, and was even more pleased when she moaned out her own rendition of his. His lips hungrily found her in a few short kisses, and he noted somewhat proudly that she was taking short shallow breaths between her moans. Her moans for him. That though cleared his head for a moment. She wanted him. She wanted him like he wanted her. He briefly remembered that he had wanted to tell her that he loved her. Briefly...but she moaned again and wrapped her legs around him, in an attempt to make him go deeper.
Duo didn't even try to bit back his own groans at her actions. Every time he came back in now, he could feel her all around him. He filled her completely, something that had never happened to him in all of his years of experience. And then, as if it could get any better, her whole body seemed to tighten around him, his stiff member included.
They came together, each other's names spilling forth from somewhere deep inside. As the waves of pleasure hit, they were both slightly aware of the fact that something had changed between them, but neither seemed to really care. They just lay there, sharing in the pleasure and beauty that only that kind of climax can bring.
"I missed you Duo," she finally managed to whisper awhile later. He laughed.
"I could tell." And with that, Hilde curled up onto his chest, and they finally fell asleep.
~~~~~~
Part Four
~~~~~~
Duo slowly opened his eyes. He had been awake for about ten minutes, laying content on his bed, with the knowledge that last night had been the best night of his life. Sure he had slept with other women before, but last night hadn’t been about that. Last night was...
"Mmmmmm...." Duo smiled and stretched like the cheshire cat. He turned over to capture the subject of his thoughts and affections, only to find air and a cold mattress. A panic swept through his whole body. Where was she? Duo scrambled out of bed, half tripping, and dressed in a record time. Down the stairs he flew like the devil himself was on his tail. He was halfway out the door, when several alarm bells went off in his head. First, was the feeling that Hilde was close. Second, the smell of pancakes, coffee, bacon, eggs, french toast, coffee, oatmeal, waffles, and coffee. And third, the sound of Hilde’s humming along with the radio. Duo shut the door softly, so Hilde wouldn’t hear. His mischevious spark returned: he was on the hunt. He crept as quietly as possible down the hall, and snaked his way through the kitchen. He was right behind her and–
"Good morning Duo," came her calm greeting.
"Dammit Hilde!" She laughed.
"You know I can hear you a mile away."
"Then how come you didn’t say anything sooner? And how?"
"Because you’re just as fun to tease, and I think I’m immune to you’re sneak attacks by now. Or at least I should be."
"Hmm..." was his only response, as his hands came to her hips, then came around front to her stomach. His head came down and he began to place kisses on her exposed shoulder. She was wearing his favorite big old sweatshirt, which would usually have him yelling at her until either she gave it back pouting, or she used her puppy dog eyes and got to keep it. Either way, it was even bigger on her, and often slipped off her shoulder. Normally, it wasn’t that big of a deal. Now, she wasn’t wearing anything underneath, and it exposed her naked skin to him.
He inhaled her deep inside of himself and reeled in the sensation. God he missed that smell. The kisses continued up her neck and memories of last night replayed in his head. Already he was feeling a tightness in his pants that usually only took one night with a girl to satisfy, before becoming bored and moving on. This was different. He felt like he could have her a thousand times and he’d still want her. He wanted to take her right there on the kitchen floor, breakfast be damned, which is a lot for Duo to just toss away without a second thought or care. Lost in his own thoughts, or rather fantasies, he failed to see Hilde’s reactions to his ... friendliness.
She was scared, plain and simple. She didn’t want Duo to leave, but she knew he would. Uncomfortable thoughts wizzed around her head. Maybe getting me into bed was his plan all along. Maybe I was just another number to add to the list. Maybe he feels bad about what happened, after all, I did sort of come on to him rather strong. I feel like such an idiot. All this is just him trying to make me feel better. So why the hell does it feel so good? Why don’t I want him to stop? Why do I want him to take me right here on the floo–woah, get a grip on yourself Hilde.
Her whole body stiffened and she moved her body away from Duo, disguising her action by getting out plates and glasses and silverware. He poured more coffee in her cup, adding two sugars and a drop of milk, just like she liked it.
"So what’s planned for the day?" he asked, trying to stray his mind elsewhere from the thought of Hilde in nothing but the whipped cream she was putting on her waffles.
"You, mister," she said in her angry-but-not-really voice, "have been gone on your ‘vacation’ which has left us, or should I say me, since Ryan had scheduled time to go see his sister, and Mark’s wife had her baby and he had to take paternity leave, and Terry got the flu which has had him bed ridden for the past week, leaving me all by myself to handle all of the paperwork and mechanics to myself. I had to let the McAlester account go because I couldn’t handle that on top of the regular load coming in."
"The McAlester account Hilde?!" It was a giant order from a big time construction company that Duo had worked on getting for two months. He could hear the sadness in her words, and knew that it was a big disappointment for her too. It would have meant a sure thing money wise when business was slow.
"We’ll make it up." She looked up at him surprised.
"What do you mean we?" Now it was his turn to look surprised.
"I, uhh...Well, you and me, we’re...in this together, right?" She laughed high and quick.
"Didn’t I tell you that I’ve decided that after working so hard I’ve earned that vacation I never had?"
"But Hilde, you can’t just go. Wait a minute where are you going? And when? Who will run the shop? You know I can’t handle the front office. Remember last time, when I rearranged your files according to the color that came out of the M&M’s bag? I really don’t think this is a good idea Hilde. I mean I just got back and last night–" He had said everything in one breath like only Duo can do; but at the mention of last night, Hilde quickly cut in, trying to avoid the topic altogether. It didn’t go unnoticed by Duo.
"Relax. I’m just taking today, and maybe tomorrow if I get lazy or comfortable, which ever comes first. Ryan will be there to handle the front office, and Mark can help with a little of both. Terry’s still out, but he promised to be in by Wednesday. His rent was just raised, so he needs the money anyway. And I’ll be back by Wednesday too, so don’t worry." She added her assuring smile, and though Duo knew her trick all too well, he still bought it, albeit begrudgingly. There was just some way that she did it, some way that was different for him. It was the gleam in her eye that clearly said, ‘I know you of all people know I’m bs-ing right now, but would you just buy it this once?’
"I’ll be back by five," he said in defeat.
"You say that now, but you haven’t seen the pile up. We look like a garbage waste landfill, not a junk yard." Duo laughed.
"There are some who wouldn’t know the difference anyway. And by the way, what’s this we?" His mischevious aura was back, teasing her with a smile, and before she could even take a breath to try and stop it, he brushed his lips across hers in a soft kiss. It was sweet, like he was a little boy giving his first kiss. A little nervous, but too excited to care.
"Later, babe!" He called and she heard the door slam shut. Hilde opened her eyes. How had he gotten to the door so fast?
She brushed that thought aside. She hauled herself up the steps and drew herself a nice hot bath with bubbles and her gardenia oils. She listened to some classical music and a little jazz. After an hour or so of letting the bath water turn cold, she pulled herself out of the tub and into her pajamas again.
She picked up the comforters and lazily through them on the bed before burying herself in them. She took Duo’s pillow and put it over her face to block out the sun and to engulf herself in his smell. Less than a minute had passed before she had fallen into a deep sleep.
Duo looked at the clock. Seven o’clock. Hilde wasn’t joking about being backed up. He was actually surprised she had managed to hold up like she did all by herself. He turned off the laptop he was typing on and headed for the house. He was halfway back to the house before he was hit like a ton of bricks with a blinding revelation. He didn’t tell her he loved her. No wonder Hilde had been acting so distant. He didn’t tell her he loved her. Duo could have smacked himself on the forehead. It was simple. (Right?)
Duo walked into the house, crying, "Lucy, I’m hoomme!" in his impression of Ricky Ricardo that usually made Hilde laugh, and give away her position. Duo listened and frowned when he didn’t hear a response.
He walked into the kitchen where Hilde was probably eating take-out, since she took the day off and probably didn’t feel like cooking. She wasn’t.
Duo began his trek up the stairs, three at a time, like always. Hilde always told him that one day he was going to trip. He laughed; little did she know he already had several times, without her knowledge.
His amusement halted when the sounds of Hilde softly screaming and crying came to his ears. In a speed that could astound Superman, Duo was at her side, one of his hands holding her discarded one that was limp for the moment, while the other caressed her warm face.
She was tossing violently, and calling out names from her past. Duo knew them, knew them because they were always what Hilde had nightmares about.
Hilde’s mother had died in childbirth with her. Reguardless, Hilde was still loved deeply by her four older brothers and father. The youngest brother was eight years older than her, so when they died in battle along with their father, Hilde was fourteen.
She bid her time, and when she turned fifteen, the legal colony drafting age, she immediately enlisted. He knew now that she hadn’t wanted to survive. It still didn’t resolve her past, Duo knew. It only helped to deepen the grave she was digging herself.
Duo often blamed himself for doing that to her, but Hilde never wanted to talk about her dreams, so Duo could never apologize. Either way, he doubted Hilde would let him.
"Duooooo...," hearing his name on her lips brought his eyes to her face. No, she wasn’t awake. Still dreaming.
"Christophe...Leo...Erik...Aaron...Papa...Duo...Duoooo..."God, it drove him insane hearing her say his name like that. So desperate, so painful.
"Leave him alone..." her voice was a half moan, half plea: the deluded mix only a dream can produce.
"Hilde, you have to wake up now," Duo said firmly. He shook her a little, calling her name, calling her to reality, calling her to him.
She awoke with a start, and upon seeing Duo she jumped, surprised.
"What are you doing here Dou? I know you don’t have time for a lunch break."
"It’s already seven thirty Hilde."
"What? How is that possible? I slept through the whole day? Great, just great! Now I won’t sleep tonight, and tomorrow will be hard to relax if I’m still tired and–"
It was his turn to silence her ranting, only instead of trying to reassure her pale, still sleepy form, he kissed her.
"I love you," he said after, his breath mingling with hers. It took a moment for the words to process. He watched her face closely, wanting to see her response, her glee. He was sorely disappointed when she scurried backwards into the headboard, distancing herself from him in a look of utter shock and fear.
"Don’t say that."
"Don’t say what? That I love you? Why not? It’s true. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it. I’ve told you before."
"Before you didn’t just finish kissing me. Before was after I made you an unbirthday cake," Duo smiled. Hilde didn’t believe in birthdays, using the excuse that it was also the day her mother died. So she would make unbirthday cakes and give presents on a few random days of the year instead. "Before was when I let you stay up late and watch that weird movie on tv when you had to get up early in the morning. Before was in a ‘you’re my friend and i love ya’ babe’ kind of way. Before was completely different."
"Yeah. I guess it was. But it still doesn’t change the fact that I love you differently now."
"You don’t mean that Duo…" Her eyes begged with him to take it back.
At her look of concern he rushed on, trying to convince her what he was feeling was real, was right. "I love the way you smile at me when we come home at night. I love the way you sing with me, even when we don’t know the words. I love the way you laugh at my stupid jokes, like they mean the world to you." The fear spread on her face. He tried again.
"But it’s the little things too. I love the way my razor’s always dull because you use it to shave your legs when yours breaks. I love the way I can’t tell if you’re wearing my shirt or I’m wearing yours right now. I love the way your tongue rolls and your toes curl like a cat’s when you yawn. The way you always make sure we have my ice cream for nights when we can’t sleep. The way you look at me different from other guys, like you see something here that nobody else can. I want to see you grow old Hilde. I want to marry you, and have a family. Not today, I mean, I’m not engaging or anything, but someday Hilde. I want to wake up to you in the morning, and go to bed with you at night. I want...I want...I want you, Hilde." Silence. "Jesus Hilde, say something."
She began to cry, trails of tears running down her cheeks. She wasn’t even looking at him.
"Don’t say that," she said softly, like a lost little child. "I can’t love you Duo. I can’t."
~~~~~~
Part Five
~~~~~~
Tears streamed down her cheeks, her massive sobs shaking her whole body. Her eyes were filled with a pain so deep; it hurt him to look in them. They looked like they had the first night she had asked to sleep with him. They were deep and dark, hiding the unspeakable secrets that only a war orphan could hold inside. He looked away, unable to read her riddles and mixed signals. Her eyes spoke thousands of words, begging for understanding, but it was in a dead language that he could never learn to know.
Logically, all he could think was, ‘why not?’ But the words seemed to have gotten lost on the way to his mouth. He began to laugh, hollow and ironic. It was being torn out by the same air he was trying to breathe in, as though it were trying to pull out his soul instead. He began to regain his breathing, though it was somewhat irregular and shallow.
"Is…is it because…because of them?" He found himself asking. Her silence was the only answer he needed. The last thing her father had said was to her brothers: ‘Don’t let her die.’ They fought mercilessly, doing far better than most in the odds they were given. At least, that was Duo’s little knowledge of it. Hilde didn’t talk about it, save when she woke up from nightmares crying, needing to explain the basics in order for Duo to comfort her. Still, Duo knew she blamed herself for their deaths. For not finding their murderer, and taking revenge.
One time, she had made the comment that she was a lost soul. She couldn’t die, and that it was a far worse fate. That was why she had offered Duo a place to stay: in hopes that the God of Death wouldn’t be able to resist. He reassured her that he couldn’t kill her because she was a special lost soul. His lost soul and that he needed her. She had smiled and cuddled into his chest, all the while telling him he was stupid, because now he had a weakness.
Now though, he wanted to yell. It killed him inside to know that he may have been the great Shinigami, but he couldn’t kill the demons from his past, let alone someone else’s. She couldn't let go, and it was killing him.
"Hilde…" It sounded pathetic, even to him. Still, she looked up at him. She looked deep into his eyes, and for a moment, her eyes lit up with a surprised glee at his words. But, then a pitying look entered them, and she became sad. That sadness that made her look much older than her years. She began to raise her hand towards his face, like she did when he was sick, and she had to make him understand he couldn't go outside and play.
But he didn't want to understand. He didn't want her pity. Her wanted her love, and that wasn't what she was offering with her soft, gentle fingers that could drive him wild with just a touch. He turned away. She couldn't help the renegade tears that flew down her cheeks at his actions, despite her commands for them to stop.
If only she could explain. There was only one problem with that: then Duo would know, and things could never be as wonderful between them as they were. He would have to leave. It would become a matter of life and death. Why couldn't he see? They were so much better off when she could protect him from the shadows of her life. But he wanted to change that, and all she could do was stand there and cry, unable to form anything remotely considered a word. The sounds were more like whimpers, and the worst part was, all she could think about was kissing him. She bit back a sob and looked away from his searching, pleading eyes.
"I was always just a substitute brother to you, wasn't I?" His words were angry and spiteful. He shook his head, damning himself for his blindness to the truth. Her eyes shot back up to him, but he wasn't looking, and her silent 'no's went unheard.
"I was nothing more than a comfort pillow! Just someone for you to be strong for, so you wouldn't go crazy, blaming yourself for their deaths all the time! You never cared who I was! God, I'm so stupid! Stupid for ever thinking I could love you! Stupid for ever having dreams about us! I wanted to show you the world Hilde! I wanted to tell everyone that you were mine! Jesus Christ! I wanted to grow old and senile with you, so we could harass the neighborhood kids, telling them they didn't know what is was like in the war, 'back in the day'! But I was wrong, wasn't I?" He didn't wait for her answer. He didn't even once look up to see her wide fearful eyes, or her shaking head, or her lips trying to tell him he was wrong. But she was too quite, too passive, too afraid.
"I was stupid and wrong!" He yelled as he walked out. Hilde reached after him in a futile attempt to call him back. She fell to the ground as she heard the front door slam, shaking all the windows in the house.
"Duo…"
Duo didn't remember anything after that. All he knew was that when he woke up the next morning…er, afternoon, he was in Heero's apartment on L1. He rolled of the lumpy couch and hit the floor with a groan. Heero didn't move from his typing at his desk across the room. For a moment, Duo wondered if Hilde was okay, before anger and pain raced through him, last night's events replaying in his mind. 'I can't love you Duo.' Her voice echoed around his head is a sweet melody of torture, driving him insane.
"GGGAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" he yelled, then took a deep breathe and sighed.
"Would you tell me the next time you're going to pull a Quatre and go temporarily insane? I am trying to work here." Even in his monotone, it was priceless and Duo couldn't help laughing.
"Sorry man, I just got a lot on my mind, you know? I can't believe her. I should have known she was just using me." To Duo's surprise, Heero stopped typing and turned to face him.
"She should have killed you." Duo face-faulted, his jaw flying to the floor. Heero typed a few more things, then closed his laptop, and picked up his jacket off the back of his chair. "And I'm not just saying that. I doubt even Relena would stand by her pacifism for very long if she were in Hilde's position. I'm disappointed in you."
"You don't even know what's going on! Since when did you become so touchy-feely? Mr. Physiatrist for the rest of us non-perfect soldiers!? Huh?!"
"Since you showed up at two in the morning, looking like death turned you down, and saying 'She doesn't love me' about five thousand times before I had to put you to sleep. As for knowing about what's going on, I may not know the details of whatever brought you I here, but I do know that you've underestimated your opponent and that's why you failed. You went into battle without any information. That was stupid, Duo."
"What are you talking about Heero? I'm not fighting a war with Hilde! I-" Whatever he was didn't seem to matter to Heero.
"Love and war, from a tactical perspective, are very similar. They are both based on the same basic battle procedures, principles and rules." Duo could only roll his eyes.
"Oh sure, leave it to the perfect soldier to take war and compare its similarities with one of its opposites!"
"You're missing the point."
"Then what is the point of all this? Please Heero! Enlighten me!" Duo yelled out. He was angry, tired, and did not feel like being patronized and lectured about love by someone who had probably never felt anything close to the emotion. Heero turned and picked up a piece of paper casually off his desk, and handed it to Duo.
"She gave you a home, a job, and a place to hide Deathsythe in the middle of L2, not to mention what she did on Libra for us. Do you know how much she risked for you? You're right, Duo. She must have been using you." Duo's eyes were wide as saucers. He had never heard Heero show any kind of emotion in his voice other than anger, and even that was rare. Sarcasm, Duo decided, was definitely Heero's element.
The door being slammed was Duo's sign that Heero had left, and yet it only registered in the very back of his mind. His focus had been drawn to the piece of paper in front of him.
November 4, A.C. 195
MEMO:
CC: Trieze Kushranada
NAME: Hilde Marie Shbeicker
AGE: 15
D.O.B.: May 8, A.C. 181
WEIGHT: 110 lbs.
HEIGHT: 5'7"
HAIR: Black
EYES: Blue
RELIGION: Atheist
FAMILY: Deceased. KIB* Berlin, Germany in siege of Gundam 02. October 7, A.C. 195.
EVALUATION: Transfer to Specials. Won't require programming for Anti-Gundam campaign. Good hacking skills. Look into Intelligence, after basic training completion. Seems to far surpass others in exercises, but has failed to take or consent to take psychological exams. When inquired as to why, responded, "I will take revenge. The spirits of my family haunt me even now, asking for his soul in justice. Glory to the colonies." Background checks turned up negative. No information other than the basic stats. Ready for battle immediately. Suggest against Gundam 02, who has been rumored to be active recently near the lunar base.
His jaw fell open, and for a moment he couldn't breathe. A silent tear slipped out of his eye and down the side of his cheek. He was out the door before it hit the ground, landing lightly next to the piece of paper, a whispered 'Hilde…' escaping his lips.
~~~~~~
Part Six
~~~~~~
He felt like he wasted a lifetime on the shuttle back to L2. He shifted in his seat constantly, and asked several times, before actually sneaking into the cockpit and talking to the pilots to see if the shuttle could go any faster. The sad part was, it was only a twenty-minute flight to begin with. He danced up and down as the shuttle door was finally opened and he raced as fast as he could without trying to cause too much suspicion. He ran into the street. It took ten minutes to get down town to where they lived. He looked for a cab. Traffic was a mess, and there was no way he would be getting home within the hour. Out of desperation, he began to run.
He ran, as quickly as he could, but it still didn't seem to be fast enough. His side was aching with a searing pain that only seemed to make him want to go faster. He deserved that pain. He deserved worse. He ran faster. He ran as though it hurt even more to slow down. He ran as though the living hell was scared out of him. And it was. His fears about her leaving and the old man's words whispered in his head. Only it was different this time. Before, his fear overruled his logic, and now, logic fuelled his fear. Why couldn't he run any faster?
He checked to make sure it was still tucked in the back of his pants as he rounded the corner and their house came into view. He ran into the house, shouting her name, only to receive silence. Every cell in his body was electrified with fear and swirled in nauseating circles, causing his head to spin. He ran past the kitchen, but she wasn't there. She wasn't in the living room, or in her garden. He ran to their room. Everything was in it's place; nothing was gone…just her. She wasn't in the bathroom, or in the other room. Where the hell was she?! Then a thought struck him.
He dashed down the stairs, and out the door, it's banging shut barely registering in the back of his mind. He ran to the front office of the garage.
"Terry! Where is she?" he practically yelled.
"Hey, Duo. How's it going? I was wondering when you were going to come in today. I feel bad. I think I got Hilde sick. She looks like hell, well, you would know more than I would. How is she? She didn't really talk to me. I mean she was already working when I came in today at 8:00, and it's 2:30 already and she hasn't taken a lunch break. You know how she has a low blood sugar, 'cause she uses that as an excuse to make us lunch all the time. She's so great, you know. I feel bad that it's my fault she's not feeling well, and-"
Normally, Duo liked Terry. He was a conversationalist, like himself. He was easy to get a long with, and most everybody liked him. Plus, he knew mechanics and understood math like he invented the stuff. He usually worked the front office with paperwork, which was nice because everyone else hated it. Duo had a great relationship with the guy, at work and at play. Terry often came over when they had BBQs and Hilde loved Terry because, like Duo, he loved her cooking. Terry was like a good brother to them both, and he knew it, and returned the affection. So, you can imagine his surprise to have Duo reach over the desk, lift him up by his shirt, a deadly fire in his eyes that he hadn't seen since the war.
"I said," he demanded coldly, "'Where is she?!'"
All Terry could do was point.
Duo ran, his body's protesting muted by his need. He stopped dead in his tracks, seeing her feet wiggling beneath a hunk of junk that she was freeing pieces from. A loud clang, followed by an even louder 'damn it' could be heard, as she emerged from underneath. His eyes drank her in as though he had never seen a woman before. She was wiping her hand off with a rag, and glaring evilly at the metal, as she turned to yell something to Terry. She froze as she saw Duo, tears filling her eyes and threatening to spill, her mouth still hanging open slightly, the words forgotten on her tongue. He walked towards her slowly, almost as though he was scared. After running so hard, so long, he was having so much trouble making it the ten feet to her. Finally, he was two feet away. He reached around and pulled out the thing he made sure was there five minutes ago at the corner. His trusty 9mm.
"Hilde," he whispered as he slipped the gun into her hand, but he wasn't afraid. He knew what he was doing was right. Finally he was going to fix what he did. He was going to pay for his actions, and his soul would finally be free. And he would get to watch over Hilde. He would get to watch as she got married and had kids and grew old. Even if it wasn't with him, it didn't matter now.
"Duo, what do you think you're doing?"
"Kill me. It's what they want. It's what's needed. It's what's right."
"Duo." He cringed at her sweet voice, shaking with the sadness he had caused. He knew in that moment that he had killed her. She was dying inside. In her sadness, there was beauty. So much beauty, it made him cry. Because there was pain too. So painful she couldn't escape, because she was protecting him. Protecting him against demons that were eating her alive. Demons he created. Oh, the irony of it all.
"What you did was right, Duo. Don't you get it!" He looked up into her eyes, pleading with him to understand like they were the other night. Only this time, he was listening. Oh god was he listening. He couldn't make sense of it, but he was still trying. "I forgave you…" she whispered.
"No," his eyes flew wide. It wasn't supposed to be like that.
"Duo, the day you spared my life, the day you taught me that we were fighting for the same thing, why we were fighting, I forgave you. I forgave you because…because I knew you were fighting for what was right, and so was my family. They died fighting for the right thing, even if they were on the wrong side. They wanted to live peacefully with the colonies, just like you. So you see, Duo? They didn't die in vain! Their deaths meant that peace prevailed, and it means that every one of us needs to fight for it! I don't need to kill you Duo. There's no need to spill more blood."
"But you're still haunted by them! They still haunt you in your sleep mercilessly! I watch you at night, when I can't sleep! I hear your screams, and it's killing me inside to know that I caused that! I did it, Hilde! I-"
"And you saved my life Duo! Your debt is repaid! Now let it go Duo! Let us go!" She was begging with him now. She dropped the gun that had never moved from her side since he placed it there. She brought her hands to his face, her fingers trying determinedly to wipe away the trail of tears that had somehow formed on her cheeks, unknowing of the identical tears that flew down her cheeks in the same fury. "Please…Just let us go…"
As good as her cool hands felt against his hot skin, he shook them away. "No. I won't let them take you away from me. They've done enough! They'll never forgive me Hilde! Never! And instead of hurting me, they'll hurt you! I won't let them!" He bent down and picked up the gun. He shoved it into her hands, and brought it up to his head. For a minute, she gasped and choked on a sob.
"I don't want to die Duo. I don't want to die. If you die…where will I go? What will I do?…" her red eyes bore the trials of time much beyond what her young, lithe body should have held. "Who will save my soul? Answer me Duo! Because they won't tell me! All I see is them dying before me, again and again and again! And the only answer that I have is that you come, and you save me Duo! You save me…" He couldn't believe what she was saying. Every time she called out their names…out his name…"In my dreams, I die too Duo. I died that day. Only, when I woke up, I was in the hospital. They left me behind. I never wanted you to die Duo! They never asked for vengeance! I used it as an excuse! Oz only wanted soldiers who wanted to fight! But I was just a soldier who wanted to die! Who wanted to be at peace! But you gave me that peace Duo! Try to understand! You never killed me! They did! But you gave me back my soul, Duo! The God of Death gave me another chance to live! And when I found out he didn't have one, I decided that I would be his soul…but now you need to leave Duo. I can't kill you because I…because…you need to go. You need to let us go."
And he finally understood. Her eyes, they weren't begging him to understand. They were begging him to be confused, because if he was confused, he would leave. But he did understand now! Oh how he saw through her now as easily as translucent glass. She wanted to be his soul. And the other night…?
"The other night, when you said you couldn't love me. Did you mean that you couldn't love me? Or that you didn't?" Her eyes left his, and her head followed, her chin resting on her chest, in consent.
"You love me." It was a statement, not a question. It sounded like a blinding revelation coming from somewhere inside that seemed to know it all along, only he didn't look at it, so he didn't see. But now…
He pulled her incredibly close, her sob shaking her whole body, but never making a sound. It hurt to be so close, and yet all she could do was bury herself deeper in his arm. They stood there, crying, letting their souls bleed. But it was a good pain. A healing pain. They were letting go. Finally, they were letting it all go. In time, they would heal. It time, the demons would die. In time, their love would conquer all.
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* AN: okay, K.I.B. stands for killed in battle. In other words, Duo killed Hilde's family. That's why Heero was pissed at Duo, and why Hilde couldn't love him: because she promised vengeance to her family.
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