Your joy is your sorrow unmasked
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

- Kahlil Gibran, on Joy and Sorrow

 

It almost seemed impossible, surreal.

The two of them had their eyes locked delicately on each other. His hand was gentle on her neck, and she held his cheek ever so lovingly. There was no movement, save for the mere unity of breath, and the seemingly bound beating of hearts. They clasped on to each other, as if letting go would mean the loss of redemption. Every apparent fear, every doubt, was dispersed with the night wind.

And he watched them. He observed.

He stood silently, watching as the dancers came and blocked his view, but moved away to reveal the still mystifying moment symbolized by the two people. It was as if time stood at rest.

He chuckled to himself, glancing at the sparkle in her eyes. He then checked the hour through his wristwatch, noticing the subtle dark star tattoo hidden underneath the band. Shaking his head, he removed a picture from his pocket.

It was a candid photograph of a girl. She sat on the roof, clad in her dark training fatigues, with the wrinkled patch of the number 26 boldly coming out from her shoulder. She wore a rather dirty beret on her dark head, and there were smudges of mud on her cheeks. Her hands lay carelessly on top of her raised knees, and her gloves were left unused on the ground beside her. But her appearance wasn’t the striking factor in the picture. She was staring straight ahead, into the night sky, her eyes distant and disturbed, damp with unshed emotions. Her mouth was drawn in a tight line, and her face was a picture of grim confusion. Her posture stated the need to be alone.

The darkness seemed to stare back at her in the photograph. It was dated AC 193. A few months before she disappeared from the base.

He looked back at the woman in the arms of the other man, then stared back at the picture. Well, what a nice time for reunions. Five years. For five whole years, she had been hiding from them, and for that same amount of time, they had to bear with the First’s hostilities concerning her escape. He hadn’t known the girl personally, but that fact alone pushed him to continue with his mission. It would soon be time to amend that difficulty, he mused as he saw the girl whisper a name.

Hilde Schbeiker was playing dangerous games.

He wouldn’t be pleased with that, he concluded in his mind. His brow raised as her partner responded to her word. He would not want to approach the man she was dancing with. But it was all worth it. He had to see her now, to make sure.

Striding purposely towards the couple, he grinned amusedly when they failed to notice him. So much for entrances. He smirked as he neared their backs.

“Excuse me, I would like to cut in.”

It was a command, an insistence, and not a request, or an asking for permission.

He felt satisfaction when the two of them jolted off from each other, as if shocked by what was transpiring between them.

The girl jumped away, seemingly guilty, for her face was flushed and her mouth was open. The man moved away as well, his features an image of hurt, anger and regret, where his eyes were glazed with frustration. But, he thought with interest, the moment of vulnerability had gone as quickly as it had come, for the man’s countenance was immediately masked, stoic and unreadable.

That was when the girl’s eyes fell on him, he who was watching them.

He could have gasped. Instead, a delicate blond brow raised in question as he gazed at the woman before him. This was absolutely her. He had found Number Twenty-Six.

But the woman staring wordlessly at him was very, very different from the disturbed girl in the pictures. Her sapphire eyes were glittering with unabashed passion, but her cheeks were rose red in embarrassment. Her hair had grown, curling ever so prettily to frame her strikingly milky face. No, she was not what he had expected from afar. She was far more fetching. This Hilde Schbeiker radiated a fiery but spirited grace.

And he started. No wonder this man she is dancing with looks so angered. No wonder she was in the First’s eye. No wonder at all…

“Excuse me,” Hilde then asked. She had a rather high-pitched yet deeply soothing voice, and her pronunciation was hard. Very, very German, he noticed.

“You would like to dance,” he stated. Evenly, steadily. Then he would see her even more. Then he would know.

She looked at the man beside her, the one with intimidating deep blue eyes, as if waiting for him to answer for her. But the man just looked at her.

And what was to look? With eyes so disturbing, and with a gaze that seemed so furious and uncontrolled, watching her as if she was the curse to his perfectly created world? The girl flinched under his gaze, and then looked away. It was another curiosity, seeing them like this, when they had been so contented in each other earlier. What exactly was he to her? This person was someone to watch out for. The thought caused him a wry grin and he waited.

Yet the other man gave no reply, simply giving him the harshest glare he had ever received in his life, one that seemed to kill on the spot. And without a single word, he stalked off. The girl immediately went to follow him, “Heero!” she called out in a fevered, desperate voice. His smile grew as he took her hand. “Let him be, Liebe.”

Her eyes widened at the word, then she looked at him.

He gave a small wink as he took Hilde Schbeiker’s hand and led her deeper into the dance floor. The other known as Heero temporarily out of her mind. Good, so good…

She was so soft and feminine, he thought vaguely, a smile involuntarily tugging at his mouth at the vision of her bewildered face. He then turned to face her, regarding her distant, troubled look. He sighed and placed his arms steadily around her waist. Her small, firm waist: He wasn’t fooled by her innocent façade.

She started at his touch, but gave him a deep, scrutinizing look. Then she placed her arms reluctantly on his shoulders. With one brow raised, she didn’t bother with formalities, “You’re German?”

He marvelled at her snappy, but nevertheless seemingly charming bluntness. Impressive, she already had defensive instincts against him. Hilde Schbeiker would be a tough, but incredibly entertaining mission. “Maybe. You are, aren’t you?” he answered with a deceptively handsome grin. He wanted to goad the girl.

She looked speechless. He gave a small laugh and nudged her to dance. Looking away, she moved slowly to the music. Then she shot him a doubtful look. “How would you know?”

He grinned naughtily, “I know.” I know a lot more than you think

Those two words seemed to unnerve her more, and she soon stopped dancing and moved to turn away. “I have to go.” She said with finality, and then started to leave.

Again? No, you don’t, he mused to her in his mind, and with efficient movements grabbed her arm. This startled her, and he felt her immediate reaction when she unconsciously flipped her hand over his and grabbed his arm tightly as well. But the reflex reaction was quickly covered when she let him go smoothly.

His brow raised at this, but he masked his supposed frown with a smirk. Well, what do you know? He looked at her closed eyes and watched as she took a deep breath. When she lifted her lids, there was clear annoyance in her eyes. His grin turned mocking. “Stay.”

Her defiant blue eyes narrowed heatedly. “Why? Is there something you need from me?”

He chuckled deeply, muttering, “Liebe, I do need a lot from you, a real lot.” She glared at him, but suddenly looked back at the edge of the crowd with anxiety in her eyes. So, she was still looking for her partner. He released his breath and pulled her closer.

“What is your name? Do you live here?” he asked lazily, the teasing note still in his voice. He already knew…

“What is that to you?” Hilde Schbeiker seemed more exasperated than ever, but the suspicion in her eyes was blatant, something he wasn’t surprised about. He was really pleased by it, actually. Detection of something unusual always came by instinct to people like her.

He shrugged, the simple answer was, “I heard you’re new here. I’m curious.”

The girl sighed, slightly relaxing at his answer, “I just moved in, I heard there were many job opportunities in this sector of L4, and I’m hoping to build a business based on software conversion. But still, as you can see, I’ve not finished settling yet. I can get you needed contacts when we’re done.” she announced stiffly.

Excuses, excuses. They were all so good at them, and how normal and simple did she appear to be! It almost seemed hypocritical. No one like them deserved that opportunity, or could ever attain such luxury - least of all this girl. And the other man… He nodded thoughtfully, giving an even more maddening grin, “And where does your boyfriend come in?”

He enjoyed the shocked look on her face as she gasped. But at his provoking look, she simply placed her hands on his and pushed them away from her. Placing her arms around herself, she answered in a clipped voice, “He’s-he’s not anything special to me, and that is none of your business.”

He was even more interested in her reaction. He knew a denial when he saw one. She had such open expressions - very, very weakening. But what intense spirit she had! It was one that he didn’t expect from someone who grew from the Base. “Fine. Where do you live? I would like to see you.”

Her eyes sharpened guardedly as her brow raised. “Why would you want to do that?”

He laughed quietly, rebel indeed. “It doesn’t matter, I would find out soon enough.” He stepped back from her. “Give your ‘friend’ my regards. Good evening.”

She didn’t move as he walked away, which pleased him even more. And as he faded into the crowd, he let her hear, “So soon, Liebe?”

The fulfilment of his mission had begun.

~~~

Hilde frowned. What did that mean? So soon… “Just who in the world are you?” she hissed back.

But he was gone from her sight.

She still scanned his direction glaringly, but when she realized that the man she had danced with had left the place, she relaxed reluctantly. What was that all about? She shuddered as she placed her arms around herself, suddenly feeling more exposed and vulnerable than ever. She didn’t like what happened, and what it made her remember. It didn’t seem so… safe anymore.

She knew what that meant.

Releasing a sharp breath, she bolted away from the dance floor, past the couples and the enjoying people. She needed to get out of there, to go back home. She needed to organize herself and understand what the other person meant, to decide whether he was a threat or not. But most of all, she had to find-

Hilde suddenly stopped. She then placed her hand on her neck, where… he had touched her. Heero. She then looked on miserably. Things between her and Heero hadn’t changed, and were still indefinable. However, what had happened earlier pronounced everything more, and it intensified so many emotions, revealing some that she never even noticed existed. It had been wonderful, and she had felt so… complete, so certain. She was still bothered by how she felt, but that hadn’t mattered. Yet, now…

She still hadn’t forgotten the look in his eyes when they had released each other. The way he viewed her - like he regretted everything that had happened. Like he hated every single moment, and every word that she had immediately cherished between them. It was like he didn’t need her, but wanted so much to get rid of her. Hilde almost flinched. It was as if he had been revolted by staying there, with her-by even touching, let alone dancing with her.

She stumbled as she tried to find her table. Yet, she hadn’t released from her memory what had happened before that either. The mystifying joy she had felt when he held her close, how she forgot everything in his arms… or how he looked at her, and how he made her feel. She would never, ever forget how he thanked her, and how he had said her name, how his eyes looked.

Or how she felt as if he was the only thing that mattered to her.

She looked away and fought to ward off a choke. And the saddest, most disturbing fact is that she knew that such a moment would never happen again. She couldn’t deny the truth, that he would start pushing her away again - that he wouldn’t allow such senseless things, or feelings. It would be irreversible coldness and detachment once more, and it would be harder to live through.

What was happening to her? Since when did she worry so much about her relationship with someone?

She suddenly felt so alone.

Hilde turned her mind elsewhere, not wanting to expound on the ache in her chest. She then remembered the man she had encountered.

Her eyes narrowed weakly. After so many years, to hear the word called to her was to remember the pain of her childhood, and she knew that she had to find out what the man had meant. The name still unnerved her, and he seemed to know it too, taking pleasure in the mockery of the endearment. That he seemed to know something about her was the reason she danced with him. She had immediately sensed danger, and realized that if the worst of her suspicions her true, then things would no longer be safe. And that meant…To run once more-

She then felt surging panic within her. She didn’t want to do that - not with their warm home here, not with the kind people and their enlivening feasts, not with Nicky coming by each day to greet her, and not with Heero living with her -

She finally found her table and collapsed down the chair. She then shuddered, a strange well of emptiness and despair rising inside. She was too tired of hiding. She didn’t want to run off again and look for places to conceal herself. It was getting too hard - attaching herself to places, then having to leave again. It was much more than her heart could bear.

It was difficult enough to wrench herself free from her fortunate and happy life in L2, even though she knew that she was doing it for the safety of the ones she loved, especially the Sweepers and Duo. It was them who have taught her to live, and him who made her love and dream. But despite that suffering, it was amazing that she gained a new, even pleasant life here, one which she thanked the Lord so much for. It was here that she was given hope for a clean and better future once more, here where she sought comfort and found it. In fact, if there were any time in her life that would compete, or even possibly be better than her time in L2, this would be it. And this rare happiness, this joy at truly living was all due to him, that one person who had also changed her life without realizing it…

Heero. A vision of him standing beside her, his unruly bangs brushing roguishly against his forehead, his Prussian eyes glittering brilliantly with inner passion and a rare, wry almost-smile on his harshly handsome face claimed her senses. Even the slightest raising of his brow, the littlest lifting of the corner of his lips, the barest glance from his eyes and the faintest sound of his voice distracted her.

Her eyes narrowed weakly. How did she feel for him?

She sighed, returning to her former thoughts. But was this simply cruel torment? Something soon to be torn away from her again? God knows, and He has reasons. It took the hardest time to accept this but she believed it with all her heart. She knew that it would be a very painful journey, the suspicious threat earlier had just proven that. And now she feared. This was how life would be for her from now on: always hiding, always watching behind her back, and always running-no matter how strongly she was attached to people. That was the life she was resigned to choose.

That was when Heero came to her mind, the person, who by sudden and puzzling habit, always conquered her thoughts. And suddenly, she smiled. Yes, it would be hard, but she could do it. With people like him believing in her, even being ready to help her, she knew she would be okay. She had a purpose, and that was her love for the persons who have been kind to her, and her desire for a good future for them. Duo, the Sweepers, Heero and everyone deserved so much more. And for that reason alone, she would accept her situation now and try her best.

It would be very hard and painful, but knowing that she finally had a good reason for all that she was doing comforted her. She knew nothing was permanent, and being hurt was part of this, but she would have to be ready for them.

With renewed hope, Hilde stood up. Never mind that she was being chased after by a dangerous organization, that this day had been tiring, never mind that she and Heero were on confused grounds, and never mind that she had met with that unnerving man. She was going to have to face them.

And she had to start with herself, and her feelings and issues with someone. I have to see Heero first.

Almost exactly as she had conjured those words in her thoughts, she saw his familiar silhouette disappear past a very distant corner. “Heero!” she gasped out, surprised. Her heart began to pound uncontrollably in her chest as she stood up. He was still here! She assumed frantically. Now was the time. Abandoning her earlier thoughts, she ran off after him.

And the table was left deserted; her things forgotten and her drinks left cold.

~~~

“Heero, wait!”

But he paid no heed, simply walking faster. He ignored her like no other, as if she was the plague to his soul. Yet he could feel her as she followed him, as urging and despair began lancing through her voice. He could sense her, could almost see the image of her face as she called to him. And he sensed, more strongly than ever, his blasted weakness to her.

In her voice alone, he could understand her pain, could see the weakening of her usually bright eyes and the fading of her proud, snatching smile. Eyes that he couldn’t get of his mind, a smile that would always drive him to distraction. And her voice, one that made him strive to do her every will.

Kuso. Again and again, he would always give too much of himself to her. He was making himself too vulnerable to a person, someone who didn’t even know the power she was slowly having over him. Someone who could hurt him, one he refused to accept.

Why did she have to follow me? He grated in his mind as he turned to pass through an alley. But he knew that hiding wouldn’t stop her in her plight, she had always been much too stubborn and thoroughly determined. Didn’t she know that they had to be apart now, that he needed to stay away from her? That they could end up only hurting each other?

It was so foolish, dancing with her, feeling as if he had everything he needed, as if he had found his life’s fulfilment in that timeless moment when she laid her head on his shoulder and whispered his name. He had almost abandoned all masks and had nearly revealed all of himself, freely giving all just for her. He had allowed so many emotions to surface, so many hopes and dreams to rebuild themselves. All for her.

Then another man had come, shattering everything. He hadn’t known whether to feel truly enraged at having something so precious yet so fragile infinitely broken, or relieved at having stopped himself just in time. It was too ironic, and unusual, even for himself. For once, he had grasped on to his vulnerability, had actually wanted it. And just the same, he still despised it, scorned the weakness it gave him.

Then the man took her. Everything lost and made sense.

He shut his eyes tightly, she had danced with the other man, hadn’t she? Then why didn’t she use her common sense and stay there? It was so easy… so easy for people like her to move on from one partner to the next, to hold on to something and just as quickly forget about it in life’s endless waltz; all the while never knowing how they had affected that person, or those lives. She had effortlessly influenced him and exposed his deepest emotions, and just as easily left him to dance with another. She shouldn’t have used him as someone to hold on to while no one had been there for her. She shouldn’t have asked him to come to the useless dance, or to stay with her in the first place.

Not when it was going to hurt him so much.

Not when she was going to affect him to no end, not when she was making him feel so damned much.

Yet it had been him who moved away from her when the other man had interrupted. It was him who ignored her when she had called out for his name. It was him who willingly went to the dance to see her. It had been him who agreed to stay with her.

And it was him who started feeling that way, not her.

Don’t follow me.

Yet it was all her fault. All her doing.

“Leave me alone Hilde.” He bit out harshly as he saw their house in the distance. He then pondered on deciding whether he was going back there or not. He wouldn’t want to be near her.

“What have I done?” She answered back heatedly. “I need to talk to you. And I won’t leave you now Heero, not until I know --” Then her voice faltered, agonizingly hesitant. He felt her look down, tired and distressed. “This is not how things should be going. I need you to listen to me Heero, please.”

His eyes narrowed. Why, did she need him once more?

He made no reply and simply walked away.

Out of the corner of his eyes, he noticed as she gasped and shook her head disbelievingly.

He barely heard her, but the sound tore through his heart.

And yet, he never looked back.

~~~

- Kahlil Gibran, on Giving

~~~

The sky rumbled in the distance.

She had wanted to see him, to talk to him and to sort out her feelings. She had wanted to explain things and settle everything. Not this. She didn’t expect to face with his rudeness once more, to be blocked by his intimidating anger, and to be pushed away by his wounding coldness. She didn’t prepare to feel pain once more. This wasn’t the same Heero she had held such high regard and affection for earlier. No, this was the side his enemies feared and his friends couldn’t overcome. This was the face the Perfect Soldier wore, the one which had his assassin eyes and pilot’s stoic face. This was part of him that refused anyone who tried to touch him.

And he was deliberately distancing himself again. And he was walking…

“Don’t you dare, Heero.” Hilde choked out as she clutched at her dress. “Don’t you dare walk away on me now.” Tears started forming in her eyes. Darnit - why now?

He slowly stopped, but he didn’t turn to her. He was standing before their house. “And why do you say so?” He slowly whispered, his voice bitter, cynical.

His voice sent shards to her soul. It was so cold, so very different from that of the person she had grown to care for. She couldn’t accept that Heero was doing this to her. She shook her head violently. “Just. Don’t. Don’t do it to me… not to me.”

He didn’t reply.

“Don’t…” she began, her heart pounding painfully against her chest as she breathed deeper. She shook her head. For once in her life, she felt her heart and her head slowly uniting, and she was feeling powerfully out of control. Then slowly, Hilde said the realized explanation to what the two of them had been going through for the past few days. “Don’t walk off on me, don’t run away. Don’t push me off like you had always done, especially whenever I felt like reaching you.”

She saw him as he stiffened from before her, and she sensed the anger gradually rising within him. Yet Hilde didn’t stop, not now - she had to let him know how she felt. “I came here to talk to you Heero. And I would accept your anger, if I knew the reason. And although I might never accept your hatred, I would prefer that from receiving nothing at all from you. Because that’s what you always do. That’s where you have-constantly hidden. And that is why I cannot reach you. Yes, as you had always done, not only to me, but also to everyone who dared to feel for you!

And wasn’t that the truth? She asked herself, silently throwing the same question at him. Wasn’t that what he was doing now, and what he had always done? Wasn’t that the reason why he would always retreat under his mask of indifference and coldness every time they happened to be too close to one another? Wasn’t that why he distanced himself from all people, even from the smallest affection all his life?

And yet, he never responded. No word, no gesture from the still form before her.

She felt herself drown as she watched his unmoving figure. Then again, why would he? After all, it was him who asserted that he never felt anything. Her vision blurred at the thought. She had believed that maybe he would listen to what she had to say, or at least understand that she was trying to help him. And to think that she felt so much for him… Only her… it was only her who would end up suffering from the feelings she was plagued with. It was only her who was blindly experiencing so much because of him, just her who expected so much more from him and his emotions.

Fool.

The revelation shook her to the core, leaving her unexpectedly vulnerable. And she couldn’t stand the thought, as well as the intensity of the thousand sensations she was feeling all at once. It was all so foolish, all so weak, all so unlike her.

After all these times, after feeling so much, she still couldn’t reach him.

She would probably never. And who am I to hope? To think that earlier, he had been her inspiration. He had been her lifeline. Maybe she was presuming, no, asking for too much-expecting that he would listen to her, or allow himself to open up to her. That he would even give the slightest consideration to her words. And perhaps she was wrong to think that he would give up that much for her-her, who was probably of no such importance to him that he did not even give thought to hearing her out. There was strong difference between hoping and being blind to the truth.

She felt her mouth quiver at the thought.

She shook her head and thought to run to the safety of the house. Anything, she thought as she looked at the steps leading to the porch, as long as he doesn’t see me like this. The idea hurt so much, and she dared not reveal that to him now. Her pride was the only thing keeping her on her feet. And it didn’t matter that he was standing in the way, it didn’t matter that she had so much to say. It was hopeless, he wouldn’t care, anyway, wouldn’t give a single thought to what she felt.

And she began to walk, determined to go on to the house. She struggled to keep her eyes straight, forward and her back stiff and straight, as she had done so many times before to show indifference. But this time, it was so unexplainably hard to do so… she had to force herself to avoid him as she crossed over at his shoulder. Go on, she urged herself.

Suddenly, his hand snatched out to hold her arm in a painful grip. No, her eyes widened in panic. “Please-“ She turned to escape against Heero’s tight hold but only succeeded in wincing as he painfully turned her to face him. Stop. Hilde gasped and shuddered as she tried to look away. Anywhere, just not at his eyes.

His hold on her tightened as she refused to look his way, but he didn’t seem to care anymore. “You-are not her.”

She stopped struggling.

And finally, she looked at him, not caring if the extreme pain in her heart reflected in her eyes. Releasing a sharp breath, she shook her head and staggered back.

Not her.

Her body felt numb as she lowered her eyes. There it was, the affirmation to the truth she dreaded. She then closed them, not wanting to believe he said those words to her, words that sent a harsh blow to her soul. But even before she succeeded in doing so, she had already felt the burning beneath her eyes, coupled with the traitorous tear beginning to roll down her cheek.

Of course.

After all, she was not Relena Darlian Peacecraft. She was not the larger than life, seemingly perfect, wonderful person Heero loved. Everyone loved her, heck, even she admired Relena for her strength and beautiful qualities. Hilde didn’t have those, for she was stained. She didn’t even think she had beauty, inside or out. She had never been perfect, never been so kind, had never done so much for the people she loved.

She was nothing but the nuisance who had him caught with her own problems, no one but the careless, tainted girl who had done no good for him. She was just the person who intruded a lot and asked too much of him. She was simply the useless German girl who disturbed and irritated him to no end. A partner, a disturbance, and a burden.

After all, who was she to him? What right had she to feel so much for him and ask for the same thing in return? Who was she to force him to open up to her? Who was she to expect that he would actually trust her, and then listen and believe to what she had to say?

And there she was, crying out to him, looking like a fool, when there was nothing at all. No wonder he had distanced himself away from her after that night when they had talked about love. It was because the moment, so special to her, had meant nothing to him. Did he actually tell her he believed in her? Were they all even true? Did they even have a relationship? She shook her head. It was the truth: all that she did, all that they had together was of no worth to him.

After all, she was not Relena Darlian and she was nothing to him.

And again and again… it hurt, so much more than it should.

“Please, let me go,” she pleaded, her voice tired, sullen. She refused to acknowledge the wide look in his eyes. And she tried to struggle once more against his grip, yet he refused to release her. She trembled, what more did he want? Looking away, she asked him bluntly one more time. “Please.”

“No,” he choked out. His voice was constricted, as if his throat had been dry. As if he was suffering just as much.

It was more than she could bear.

She tore her gaze from the ground. “What more do you want, Heero Yuy? You’ve already given me your message, and I already understand.” She shook her head blindly, “And I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I’m not good enough for you. I’m so,” she choked, her eyes clouding over. “I’m so, so sorry… I’m sorry I wasn’t enough to even make you smile, I’m sorry I wasn’t enough to help you.”

She cried openly, damning her weakness before him. Feeling her pride break, she struggled to keep the emotion and accent in her voice, as she went on. “I’m sorry because all that I’ve been is a nuisance to you, and I’m even sorrier I cared so much for you. I’m sorry you hurt me, I’m sorry I envy her, and I’m sorry I’m not, and can never be her. Is that what you want?” She tried to drag her hand away. “Then you’ve won.”

The extreme embarrassment and hurt welled up within her at her admission of having lost. She had never shown so much weakness in front of anyone-or for anyone. Even for Duo. Then it was followed by barely controlled anger. All her life, she had fought to defend her pride, her dignity - and having felt so much pain had never been new to her, yet always, always, as reflex, her anger would come to defend her.

But this time she had a good reason, she had a cause. Her eyes glinted as she took a deep breath and straightened herself. If he had his turn in telling her what he wanted to know, then, by her tattered pride, he would have to hear what she wanted to say, too. Things weren’t simply about her.

“But you know what, Heero? I’m also sorry-for you. It doesn’t matter whether things are about her, me, or anyone else. It will always come back to you. I may not be her, but I’m not stupid enough to believe that it was her fault you’re like this, or mine.”

Heero’s eyes narrowed, but Hilde shook her head, “Because in the end, no matter how she had cared, no matter how we all cared, you would always push us away - just as you’d done before, and just as you’re doing now. I know you don’t think I’m worthy, but that does not account for what you have been doing, what you are doing, and what you will be doing.”

She took a deep breath and faced him directly, her eyes now shining with wounded, yet determined conviction. “Well I’ll tell you something, pushing everyone away will keep you safe and strong. By God, I know that, I’ve felt that way too. Doing so would make you secure, no one would have the power to hurt you.” She nodded, ignoring the hurt, steely look in his eyes. “But if you would give up that chance, the very, very rare chance of letting someone in, of letting someone love you and returning that same affection, then I pity you. I pity you for missing a very important thing. Because you will never experience that joy of knowing that people cared for you, that same pride that comes from knowing that these people also know that you care and understand.”

She shook her head and gave a bitter laugh. “You, Heero Yuy, will never hurt, but you will never feel joy either, because of what you are doing. How could you deprive your soul of so much, all because you’re so damned scared? When at the slightest emotion, you draw back, at the smallest act of kindness, you suspect? When you push away even the littlest amount of genuine joy - all because of your fear? -And I care, I care enough to say these words to you even though I am not sure you’re going to listen, even though I know it might hurt. Even though I know you might hate me more.”

Heero’s grip finally slackened, and she drew her arm away. “And I’m sorry this had to come from someone not worth your attention.”

Another rumbling was heard, this time overhead, more prominent, and small raindrops started falling around them. The storm had begun. Hilde gave him one last look, then placed her arms protectively around herself. She loved the rain, artificial or not, but hated being in the height of a storm. With her body stiffening rigidly against the cold and her hands shaking she turned to walk towards the house.

~~~

Heero watched her as she stumbled back to the house. She was wiping traces of tears from her eyes, looking terribly unnerved. He had said it, hadn’t he? It finally came out-he had been comparing her to Relena.

Kuso, yes, it was the truth. But why did he have to damn lose control and say it out loud, openly showing his emotions? But she hadn’t taken notice, for she had been too much in pain over those two words. And he couldn’t believe it.

Yes, it was no use denying that he had matched the two of them, but not in the way she thought. He was always expecting, no fearing them to be the same, that somewhere in their time spent together, Hilde would eventually give up on him, or grow tired of ‘waiting’ for him. That was what he thought had happened when she had danced with the other man. That was why he had told her that, to prove that she wouldn’t be like Relena this time, that Hilde wouldn’t be able to make him suffer as well. But he didn’t expect her tears, didn’t expect her exclamations.

He didn’t expect to be hurt by her reaction to his words.

Yes, by goodness, he had been hurt, so much more than he had ever been hurt for so long, even more than what he had felt with Relena. Because what Hilde had said involved everything he had done, and was doing. It exposed so much about him… many ideas he had always refused to accept. She blatantly told him her observations on his emotions, and the harsh impact of the reality of her words gave such searing pain to his heart. It was to blame him for what had happened between him and Relena, him and his friends, him and Hilde, and between him and humanity. And it was to acknowledge the painful truth.

He struggled against the unfamiliar burning behind his eyes as he stared at her blurred figure. He was too vulnerable to her. She had that strong power over him, and she didn’t even realize it. He couldn’t accept that, and didn’t want to comprehend that it had been her who brought the first urgings of tears within him. That it was Hilde who won over him, who brought out his worst insecurities, his innermost doubts.

I pity you. You deprive your soul of so much, all because you’re damned scared.

Again and again, she was correct about him, and had known things even he refused to believe. Always, it had been like that-and always, it was painful.

He watched as the rain pattered against her, the soft splashes giving her an almost unearthly glow. Ironic, it was she who was walking away this time. It was him who turned out weak, the one who had lost.

Iie. No one could do that. No one had the right to do that to him. He couldn’t let one person reign over him with such ease. Never had this happened to him, even his worst memories. Never had the fear of being hurt again been claimed by a true experience. He had to stand up, and he had to win. He couldn’t let her…

Walk away…

It was him who should walk away, it was him who was supposed to never hurt.

And yet he needed her so much… No!

And with resolve, he spoke softly. “It’s so easy for you to say that.”

She whirled around to face him, her hands tight around herself, her eyes narrowed weakly with contained tears. At the same time, her image brought slicing pain to his heart as well, but there was that sadistic pleasure at seeing her suffer. Good, let her hurt the same way I do. “What did you say?” she cried out.

His eyes narrowed, and the own wetness behind his eyes was pushed away. “It’s easy for you to speak, Hilde Schbeiker.”

She shook her head tiredly, disbelievingly, and her eyes grew desperate. “What?”

“You speak so freely about letting go, about emotions, about me hurting others because of what I do, when it is you who have always hurt others.”

She released a sharp breath and stepped back, refusing to comprehend what he was doing to her. He gave a sadistic smirk. “And no wonder you are hiding from them. You’d gone to Duo Maxwell to help you, and now that he couldn’t do anything for you, you’ve come to me. Does it even matter that he is still searching for you now? And who’s the next stop, Twenty-Six? The man you were dancing with?” He shook his head and gave a harsh laugh. “Just what is it you do that always make people end up looking for you? Is it beautiful? Using people, them without a thought going on to cling to others? Is it rare? Does it make you proud?”

She had that unrealised ability to draw people to her, to make them like, and further, love her-with the simplest prompting, the smallest smile, with her bell-like laughter, through the brilliance of her teasing, dark eyes. And she left so easily, disregarded everything so simply. Was that why, Heero knew in his heart, Duo was looking for her now? Was that why Heero was in pain just as well? And was that why, despite his efforts to prove his own strength to her by hurting her just the same, he still despised every tear that fell from her eyes, tears which he was sure was caused by him? That he was still weak and vulnerable against this unspeakable, vicious spell?

He sneered, at the bitter thought, then turned to face her again, set with his new scalding words. He chuckled lightly then raised his head-

Only to be met by her fist.

His head snapped back a bit. It wasn’t a strong hit, merely her knuckles grazing his chin. Yet as he placed a hand to check his injury, an extreme soreness met his fingertips. He directed his vision to her eyes.

She was breathing deeply, and was crying before him, not bothering to hurt him. She began to speak, her German accent coating her words deeply. “By Deutschland, Heero! We’ve spent almost two months together. And in those months I have grown to respect you, to care for you - to even need you, for crying out loud!” Her upset eyes were openly disgusted with him. “And I-I expected that you, that you would give me even the slightest of which in return. Even a little respect. And just because I turned to one man for a second, just because he had said something disturbing which took my notice, I already became a user? How could you-“ She shook her head wildly, looking down. “How could you even think of such a thing. I expected… more from you.”

She placed her hands before her, gesturing to him. “I mean, what am I, Heero, that I have to obtain such an opinion from you. What am I? What do I have to be to gain even your smallest regard? Am I that cursed? Do you hate me that much?”

Hilde then stopped, then lowered her hands. Heero didn’t even have time to think. He was much too bewildered by the hit she had given him, and by her continuous words. The open suffering she now refused to hide and the blunt disdain she showed him both kept him immobile. She only gave him a measuring look. “But who are you, after all?”

She shook her head as she went to the opposite direction. “And to think that I even tried to help! That I thought you actually cared-that I cared! To consider that I had placed all my hopes in you, that I believed in you and all that you could be.” She shook her head. “I can’t believe that I was so wrong about you, that things would all come down to this.”

Her eyes directly sought his. “Let me tell you something, Heero. In the end, you don’t deserve the thoughts I had given you.”

Her eyes weakened in disappointment. “You don’t deserve it.”

She then spun on her heel and walked away.

Heero didn’t react, simply holding his jaw with useless tenderness. He could only watch as he allowed the woman he so helplessly cared for to run away from him. Then he realized that he had succeeded in pushing her away, and that he had won. She hated him now: wasn’t that he had expected, what he had wanted, what he had forced her to do?

Then why did it hurt so damn much?

~~~

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

- Kahlil Gibran, On Pain

~~~

Run.

She nearly slipped against the pavement, but ignored the pain in her ankle. Tugging violently on her shoes, she lifted them and went on walking. She rubbed her eyes, not being able to distinguish what she was wiping away, whether it was her tears or the rain. Her vision was so blurred, the place before her so veiled by the rain, but she went on.

Nein. Don’t look back.

She sobbed weakly, then went on, dashing past the cars in the street, she had to get away, anywhere, as long as she was away from him. She didn’t care that the coldness penetrated her insufficient dress, that the rough cement scraped her feet harshly, or that her head throbbed insistently; she headed towards the park. The trees there would cover her; the darkness would mask her.

She stepped into the grass and trudged past the greenery, ignoring the mud that slowly stuck to her wet skin. She still went on, seeking respite. His words had overwhelmed her. And she was-frightened.

What if he was right?

Hilde shook her head, refusing to acknowledge such a possibility. But the thought that he had accused her of such, that he had felt that way, was enough to hurt her, to make her doubt herself. The extreme disappointment she was repressing could very well harm her, and her broken hopes could bring her downfall.

She shook her head blindly and shuddered, but did not stop in her walk. She could hardly believe their conversation, if one could term it like that. She didn’t want to accept that they deliberately tried to hurt each other by playing on their weaknesses, that Heero dared tell her those words -

She shut her eyes tightly and sobbed as she nearly stumbled. She then reclined on a nearby, secluded bench and lifted her knees, hugging them to herself. Was she that much of a monster that he had to accuse her of using people? She could bear the thought that to him, she was insignificant, nothing compared to his Relena Darlian, though that hurt so much, but she could not put up with the fact that he thought so badly of her, that he despised her that much.

She lifted her hand and stared at it, squinting in the darkness - she had believed that Heero accepted her for what she was, that he even cared for her despite her past. Yet, to hear that he thought she used other people said so much about how he regarded her, how much she actually disgusted him in spite of everything.

The First had warned her enough about that, making her feel like they were the most revolting race in the world, that she was someone who would never fit in out here. And even Heero, of all people, felt that way.

She tore her eyes from her hands. But no, that wasn’t true, what Heero had said had definitely no truth to them. Black Star definitely deserved Hilde’s escape. The organization was wrong and as violent as it already was. And in Duo’s case…

The rain fell violently around her, but the large leaves of the sheltering tree brought her some protection from its wrath. She then buried her face on her knees and decided to think, and to remember clearly despite the pain it could bring. She just had to prove to herself, then to Heero, that she wasn’t like that.

Hilde stared straight ahead and began. She knew that she wasn’t perfect - never was she perfect. She had made many wrong decisions due to her stubborn impulsiveness back then. A lot of times she ended up in trouble, she would admit. But she was proud to say that she knew how to get out of those ruts. Hilde upheld what was right and just with passion, for she had been deprived so badly of those before. And she was sure that she had always, would always side with what was true and right.

One of the mistakes in her life was growing up in Auschwitz, back in the Base, where she had learned deadly, harmful skills, where she had been taught how to kill, damage and corrupt. Back there, she had learned to never question orders and to be recessive. But what she had been drilled so many times to remember didn’t keep her from questioning if what she was doing was right, or if there was meaning to her life.

Back then, her Instructor had been her life, teaching her to follow the dictate in public, and to learn and do what she wanted in private. She hadn’t been the mindless automatons her cadet members were, and she knew that she could have been, if not for his hard but valuable interference. He believed her to be different-capable of so much more than being Black Star’s pawn, of emotions. She had been scared to accept such, but he believed enough for the both of them. The stubborn but lively curiosity within her, the passion for fulfilment and affection, for life caused this. She had been forced to this kind of life, unlike the others who willingly joined it for their own dark purposes.

Thus he showed her what no one else possessed in the Base: compassion, kindness, faith and trust. He taught her to hope, and believed in her abilities, those which he knew would be best off used for better purposes, for life. He opened a new world for her, and sought to find a better environment for someone like her to grow in. And Hilde’s increasing restlessness and search for meaning elsewhere proved her worthy in her Instructor’s mind.

--He regarded the wound on her tattoo openly, then slowly lifted his eyes to her pale, tear-streaked face. Her Instructor soon found his voice, and he didn’t trouble himself with hiding the grimness in it. “You are bleeding.” --

He was the one who told her that she didn’t belong there.

Hilde knew that Black Star was wrong, and she knew that she would have been corrupted, and would also corrupt others, had she not taken the scant four seconds of opportunity to escape. No, she couldn’t have used Black Star-she wasn’t even worth following after, she was too insignificant. They only thought her a meddlesome little fire that could grow to eat at them, or probably another pawn they still had a use for.

Hilde placed a trembling hand on the scar on her shoulder. No, she didn’t regret leaving Black Star, no matter what Heero had meant.

And that brought Duo Maxwell to mind. Hilde took a deep breath, her heat starting to pound with strength at his name. Then the easing calm brought about by his memory soothed her. Just thinking of him made her smile, and yet ache so much at the same time. How could she not love him?

OZ had been another attempt at life for her. It was through OZ that she had decided to fit in to the world her newly found freedom gave her. She had so many dreams-of a place without corruption, without fear and oppression, with life, where she and her Instructor would live without inhibitions of pain, revenge and death. She sought to gain the life she never had, one which didn’t consist of always watching behind your back, or always being wary of people. She had wanted life, not the death she had been forced to endure in Auschwitz: it had been as simple as that. But she had been released to a world troubled with war, and through her neophyte eyes, OZ had been her opportunity. Through stopping the war, she would go one step closer to achieving her dream. And she worked with passion, earnestly wanting to defend the colonies that protected her from the harshness of her past and origin. She never wanted to return to Auschwitz.

Then Duo Maxwell walked into her life, not-so-subtly throwing to her face the mistake that she had once again entered in. OZ was a farce, a self-serving organization that spent more trouble on their own affairs rather than actually supporting the colonies. It was hard to accept that her chances had all been put to waste, that the first step she had taken to achieve the life she wanted had been the wrong one. She had entered OZ with the proud confidence of someone on an exciting and fulfilling mission; she ended up in their prison cell. It was the first time she had summed up all of the cusses she had ever known on one person. It wasn’t so much Duo Maxwell, but the reality of her failure, the one which he showed to her, that angered her. It was hard to accept her fate… yet she knew, with pride, that siding with him had been correct, and was one of the best decisions she had ever made in her life.

But the most amazing fact was that he’d come back for her.

Hilde felt grateful tears filling her eyes in remembrance. He had come to take her home; those were his words. She had never experienced such kindness from someone, much less a stranger before. Even her Instructor had masked his affection for her. Yet Duo Maxwell didn’t mind her past, or whatever it was that she had done, or could do. He came back and saved her from her own mistakes, offering her the first real solitude she could come to in her life. He gave her life. Behind that mischievous attitude was her rescuer.

It doesn’t matter what they say, Hilde. I’ll make your dreams come true.

It was amazing, and whenever Hilde remembered their life together, those words would always be her first sentiments. After a lot of trouble, (she gave a strangled cough as she remembered her sickness, their arguments, and the beer house fight she got involved in), he took her to his home, to a makeshift family-the people who rebuilt her life again. It was in living with them that Hilde learned to put down her defenses. When Hilde had first stepped into L2, she was still wary, and very, very temperamental. That was the attitude she had developed towards other people in the Base, and without really knowing it, it had been her way of protection from the strangers in this world and the hurt they could very well give her. She had been too familiar with pain and defending herself against it that she wasn’t able to recognize genuine kindness. As a result, she feared emotions brought about by the kind-heartedness of others. She didn’t have much of a problem with that in OZ, but that proved to be a difficulty with Duo and the men.

It had been hard at first, but as a result, she had been truly grateful for the presence of the men and cared for them as well. They were the first persons other than her Instructor to put up with her, and because of that, she began speaking freely and opening up to them. It had been a different story with Duo, since the powerful emotions that came to her whenever she was with him was much harder to accept and control. Strangely, he understood her, and was the only person who caused her to lose control and break down. He had voluntarily taken it upon himself to help make her dreams come true. And it had been hard… feeling so much for this person, yet still being scared of the results of such. The effect was their endless bickering. Bickering, which soon ended when Howard openly explained to her how he thought she was in love with Duo, and when Duo entered into rage mode when a fellow Sweeper kissed her in an innocent game of Truth or Dare.

Hilde gave herself a small laugh as she embarrassedly remembered the event. After which, the scales seemed to have balanced themselves, since Duo started having revelations about his own feelings, himself. Those months were torture for her, and Hilde would never forget them-how she stayed away from Duo, and how he avoided her as well. It didn’t help that she almost died in an unbidden sacrifice to help him in his righteous cause. Hilde wanted to help, to at least contribute something right to the gain the world she wanted, and she did so, but she gained more than she had bargained for. The injuries she had received in her plight to gain invaluable data for him were life threatening; one could easily tell by the way he angrily ranted and raved at her when he saw the blood on her face. After that, he had resignedly distanced himself from her even more. His return from the second war didn’t change his attitude towards her.

And it had hurt. The more time she spent with him, the more she had to endure the knowledge that she was weak and helplessly falling for him-the more pain she received. And it seemed as if he didn’t care… spending time with other people, even women, and suddenly forgetting her. In a hurried self-debate, she had decided to move out of their home, wanting to ease the inner suffering she was feeling. The men had been outraged, not wanting their girl to ‘abandon’ them. But what she had to face before them was nothing compared to Duo’s wrath. He hadn’t wanted her to leave, yet he treated her as if she didn’t exist. Hilde had been wrought with frustration, what was it that he wanted from her?

He let her go after that, refusing to ask for any more explanations. And Hilde, as determined as she was, quested on the perfect apartment: suitable enough for her, something payable, and near. She could only go so far… she could never survive long without the new family she had learned to love. And the day she chose to move, the men didn’t hide their displeasure. Howard had approached her and had asked her to reconsider. She glanced at the window to the room Duo refused to come out of, “I have to look for my dream.” The dream she had once sought to find in him, yet knew she would not discover unless she left.

Things were all ablur after that. She didn’t know what Howard and Lot had told Duo, but whatever it was prompted him to follow her to the new place and demand her to return to them. It had been very difficult to maintain her composure and pride, all the while trying to explain how she felt for him and why she had to move away. But he shunned them all and then began on his own explanation; his anger at the thought that she had left to find the dream she needed, one he supposed she no longer found in him.

-- “Look, I know, and admit that I have many faults, and I will not deny that I’ve made many mistakes. I made one when I hurt you by calling you stupid because you almost sacrificed your life for me. I made another when I ignored you because of what I felt for you. My most foolish mistake was when I let you go. But I damn well wouldn’t make another one by breaking my promise to help make your dreams come true. I’m sorry-I can’t let you go, I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Hilde. I love you.” --

Hilde shut her eyes once more, who could leave after hearing that? She soon found out about his past, his fears and insecurities. She learned about the gentle Father Maxwell, and the loving Sister Helen… the only loved ones a child could find in a war-torn world. He wasn’t so different from her, having suffered through his childhood as well. But Hilde didn’t expect his fear of losing her as well. It was all she could do not to fall into pieces before him, or try to beat some sense into the idiot she so hopelessly loved. Yes, she was in love. She loved.

And it was because of that same reason that she had left him and L2. When she started receiving threats, her life made an absolute turnabout. The past she so wanted to forget seemed to have caught up with her, as if with the intention of ruining all that she had built during her years of freedom. When the agents from Black Star had learned that someone was protecting her, even suspecting that she was involved with him, they decided to include him in their threats. Hilde didn’t want to involve Duo in her own problems-he had suffered enough from his own past. That was why she left, to protect him. She loved him so much that she was willing to sacrifice her happiness with him to give him back the life he had offered her in the start. She had been so selfish, dreamingly hoping that she could evade the influence of her past forever, thus keeping close ties with Duo and the Sweepers. But things turned out to be different, and she knew that she had to stay away from them to keep them safe. The suffering she was feeling now was her own fault. The dream she had wanted floated once more out of her grasp.

Hilde opened her eyes. Now, had she used them?

She shook her head, crossing her arms over her knees and burying her head in them. She didn’t want to use them-she didn’t. But Hilde couldn’t deny the truth that Heero mentioned… that she actually hurt them. That was why she was still hurting, herself. But she cared for them, loved them, dreamed for them-

Hilde halted in her thoughts. Dreams. Her eyes widened in the glaring revelation. Yes, it had been her dreams-dreams that connected everything and everyone who mattered in her life together. All of her life, those dreams had been the direct goal she sought, the ones which motivated her to go her distance. Because of her dreams as a child, she was able to live despite the Base’s gruesomely stoic environment. In her search for the fulfilment of those, she gained the daring guts to leave Black Star behind. It had been that quest which sustained her throughout all the suffering she had to endure. It was this, which enabled her to love her new family, and live, grow and be happy with them. And the dreams she shared with Duo brought them together. It had been her constant hope, the thing she clung to which kept her going. And every night she prayed to God that she would never lose the will to find that fulfilment. In fact, it was the most definite cause God gave her to make her survive, and in the end, it might be the only thing left for her.

And now, it seemed that these dreams were the only things she had left, once more. Heero positively hated her now… Her heart still pounded furiously at the thought. That might be true, but in herself, she knew, with all honesty, that she wasn’t what he accused her of; imperfect, yes, sometimes stupid and selfish, but she had loved-and never used or played around anyone. Most especially not Duo.

The rain still fell around her, this time more gently, as if mocking her with the memories she had with Duo in it. Damn it, Heero! She thought furiously to herself. Did he think that what she had to endure all of her life had been easy? Didn’t he know how desperately hard it was for her to let go of Duo, when all she wanted to do was stay with him for all that eternity was? Didn’t he realize how this sacrifice made her suffer, or that she despaired about Duo each and every night? She had given up so much, even the smallest semblance of achievement of her long-sought dreams, for Duo Maxwell’s safety. She knew that Duo could be suffering too, but didn’t Heero know that whatever Duo could be feeling right now was nothing compared to the pain she felt?

Hilde buried her head in her hands, confused and still angered at the same time. How could he? How could he accuse her of that? And she had foolishly believed that they actually shared something. The words he told her and the sudden transformation in his attitude all but frustrated her. Did this mean that everything between them has been severed? Would he abandon her this time? I don’t know want to hope anymore…

She shut her eyes, trying to find answers amidst her constant frustration. Firm voices soon edged their way into her thoughts.

“Arigato,” his voice filtered into her ear, “For… everything.” No, Heero. Thank you. Danke. You don’t know how much.

Just don’t let me go… “Never.” There was a stirring quality in his voice…

“You are wrong, Hilde. You are alone. That is why I am here.”

I am not leaving you.

Heero’s former words bombarded her senses. Those were the words that comforted her, amused her, gave her joy and made her feel worthy… of life. And they all came from Heero Yuy, himself. How could that be? And how could she still feel so much for him, give him such high regard despite their argument? Why did she feel just… so disappointed?

And Hilde opened her eyes and released a deep breath, urging herself to be truly honest. Because hating him meant letting go of something special, something she cherished, regardless of what Heero thought. What a dump, she tortured herself bitterly. He had insulted her and made her feel so inferior compared to the woman of his dreams… and yet deep down inside, she still felt the same way, foolishly holding on to the better parts of their relationship. And Hilde actually trusted those instincts.

But… it just didn’t fit. Heero, for all his contradictions, held on to what he stood for. She knew, truly believed (here we go again, she cynically berated herself) that Heero genuinely meant whatever he’d said to her. He was never one to spout off insignificant words. Then why the sudden change in opinion? What was it that caused the change in him?

And who’s the next stop, Twenty-Six? The man you were dancing with?

She gasped. Had it been…

Hilde’s mind started whirling with what she had deduced in spite of her sour hopes, and it didn’t take long to generalize a fact that she had no need for proof to believe.

Heero had always been defensive. He feared weakness; he despised being hurt. She found that out soon enough, and it had been affirmed in their argument. It was hard to get him to show even the slightest of emotions, and she knew very well that she was privileged to witness the liberties he allowed with her. The slightest smiles were rare and his kindness was always unexpected. He never revealed worry or concern, and she was lucky enough to see witness both from him during their time together. He had been very unstable in the first part of their relationship, which meant that it was after that when Heero began opening up. She knew that the main reason for his pain was Relena Darlian, I wasn’t hard to deduce that. But he seemed to be healing before her, and he trusted her enough with that. Hilde was very happy with that fact. And what the two of them had shared as they were dancing earlier-that rare, precious moment, further affirmed that.

Had he gotten insecure because she had left with the other man? Did he think Hilde would easily forget him as easily as Relena Darlian seemed to have done? She was his friend! Did he think she would intentionally leave him after-seeing someone else to help her? No wonder he had said those words… Her eyes narrowed empathically, Heero… always scared of being hurt… That explained why he’d pushed her away. Can’t you understand that I won’t hurt you?

Hilde then raised a palm to her forehead and sighed. I just did.

Because of her own anger, she had neglected to notice what Heero had been doing: defending himself against his own insecurity by pushing her away and hurting her. She knew that it was the truth, because whether he liked it or not, that was how she had been once, too. And that was exactly what she had just done with him-she tried to salvage her pride by hurting him and walking away as well.

And even despite all of this, she no longer trusted herself to know whether it was the actual truth or just her blind hopes again.

~~~

You fear. You fear so much, and as a result you will hurt her.

Fear. He would never admit fear to anyone. He had never feared before, at least not this much. Not to the extent that it would get the best of him and conquer all rationality. But Heero Yuy now acknowledged fear. It was the fear of trusting, of caring, and ending up being hurt in the end. Hilde had pointed it out with stunning accuracy. Safety, he felt safe in isolation. Safe, but not entirely comforted. Unhurt, but unhappy just as well.

And he had been so used to that state of neutrality that it had been so hard to leave it. Every time he trusted, every time he gave too much of himself, he ended up suffering, and being vastly out of control. And it was hard, hard to give himself, hard to have faith in others… to trust and to hope. It took him two years to do that before, and the fall had been painful. He had the right to fear.

But not her, he told himself. Hilde had no fault when it came to what Heero felt about her, not yet, anyway. And when he saw her with someone else… it had been an agonizing reminder of the feeling of losing a person to someone else.

He didn’t even give her time to explain.

As if he had the right to have her explain such to him.

And he feared once more. Goodness, how he hated the blasted feeling. And it was that which pushed him over the edge. She had such authority over him, knowing exactly how he really felt and exposing his weaknesses. And she made him feel so unexplainably much… and the risk of losing again to one person asserted itself. And he had lashed out-only on the intent of hurting her like she seemed to hurt him.

Masaka, it had been so long since he’d last lost control to fear and anger, and much longer since he had seen-or felt his own-tears.

Maybe, if it hadn’t been for that fear, he wouldn’t have neglected to notice that unlike what Relena had done because of him, Hilde hadn’t want to leave him, or forget, in spite of his insults. Despite his obvious fury, she still pushed on, telling him words that, he now realized, were for his own good. And still, he went on, using her weaknesses and insecurities to hurt her further, thus defending him from the reality of her words, and protecting him from the pain.

And now, by right, he had feared, and as a result, had hurt her.

And so, he suffered as well.

Heero Yuy had lost at his own game.

Heero gave himself a bitter chuckle, oh the irony of it all. He was the Perfect Soldier, the one who never made mistakes, who completed every mission without difficulty. And yet, he always made the biggest errors whenever it came to his own life. He couldn’t repair things now.

Heero watched as the rain fell idly around him. And the sparse vapor in this colony just had to evaporate, and activate the maintenance rain showers right now. It was as if the whole universe wanted to mock him. He lifted a palm and caught water drops in them. Rain.

Numb. Just like before, when he had wanted to run away from the pain of leaving Relena Darlian. When he had been commiserating on his misery and Hilde had appeared before him, like a sent helper, and demanded him to come with her.

Heero shut his eyes tightly, willing to numb himself once more. He had to shut them all out if he wanted to live through this. He could always make it on his own, needing no help. He would make it through this.

She accepts you, and she understands. Iie, he had only made it through because she had been there for him, helping him forget and making him hope, among other things.

Yamero. But Heero couldn’t block her off his mind.

He angrily lifted his lids and tiredly stared over the distance. Where in the world was she? It had been three hours already, and it was almost midnight. Heero stopped short of being worried. She was probably somewhere in the rain, cold but undaunted. And she would go anywhere, as long as it was away from him. She may not have wanted to leave at first, but he had pushed her. And now, he had lost her.

Pilot, you are stupid.

“Heero…” a soft voice whispered. He vaguely heard the footsteps coming to stop in front of the porch.

And he lifted his eyes. Prussian met midnight blue eyes. She stood there before him, wet from the rain. She stared at him, not flinching. “Hilde.”eero H

~~~

They both weren’t sure of what to say. Hilde had to keep herself from reacting when Heero’s intense stare bore into her. It took all her control, and her guts, to come back here and face him again. But now that she was here, she couldn’t speak. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to say.

But she would not walk away, not from the man who watched her hesitantly, struggling vainly to hide the confusion, not to mention anger, and worry she saw in his eyes. She was unsure of many things, but of this, she was certain.

She finally tore her gaze from his eyes. Goodness, was he seeing her as she, him? To her, he seemed so vulnerable. But Hilde wouldn’t deny that same feeling within her. She shook her head and released a deep breath. He had the power to hurt her, but she couldn’t fear him now. She knew she had that same power over him, to some degree - and she didn’t want to dwell on that.

Hilde finally walked up the steps leading to the porch, moving from the rain. It was so cold, but being near to him despite their misunderstandings made her feel warm. Strange, she amended in her mind. And even with this, she still hadn’t lost control.

“What are you doing here?” Heero finally asked, his voice was steady, but unsure.

Hilde noted that, and couldn’t stop herself from giving him a small smile when she answered his question. She had never seen him so… reluctant before, and wanted to ease that badly. “I live here.”

“Aa,” he acquiesced quietly. She tried to look at him, pushing away his earlier words from her head to prevent the return of her pain, but he hid his face away and looked elsewhere.

Auch. Hilde resolved to go on simply, resuming her jovial cheer to break the ice. She was still uncertain but she had to try… “What are you doing here, Heero? Don’t you think it’s rather cold…”

The way he succinctly glanced at her wet clothes was a sufficient comeback and she blushed. “Okay, okay. What I meant was, why aren’t you inside?”

His stormy Prussian eyes snapped back to her, coloured with a mixture of disbelief, bewilderment and some fear. “Don’t you want me to leave?”

She almost reeled back at his question. “What?” Was she actually right? Was he really that unsure of their relationship? Nein! Would she even consider such a thing? She might have been really hurt, but stupidly, she could never bring herself to hurt Heero intentionally again.

She shook her head and answered his gaze with one that was as certain as he was in doubt. “No.” Heero…She tried to turn the conversation elsewhere, fearing her own reaction to his indecision. “Well-I do want you to go, inside that is. You should get your rest. I know you must be tired,” the slow grin on her face grew, “what with me dragging you around the town the whole day. We both should get our forty winks.” As if conspiring to make an irony, a drop of rainwater fell onto her damp nose from her bangs. “Darn it, I am so wet.”

Despite himself, Heero allowed himself a small smile, and Hilde gave a little laugh. It was so amazing how well they got along whenever they set their petty arguments and insecurities aside. She winked at him and headed to the door, thus provoking a seemingly puzzled but pleased look. Yet he didn’t relinquish all of his doubts, so it seemed, since he called out from behind her. “I don’t understand. Why?”

Hilde paused on her steps. She could not blame Heero for being frustrated. She was feeling the same way as well. She was beyond hesitant, terribly uncertain and had no definite idea what to do or say. She took a deep breath and answered the only thing she was sure of. “I am not leaving.”

Silence permeated the air, and stillness accompanied it perfectly. Hilde closed her eyes, recalling a moment when some time, somewhere, Heero had once said those very words to her. She wondered about what he was thinking now. Was he as relieved as she had been?

Then, his unsteady, even more bewildered voice trailed to her ear. It wrenched at her thoughts. “Then I would have to-”

“I don’t want you to leave, Heero.” She said calmly. There. “Not unless you want to. There is no need for anyone to go. We’ve promised to go through this together, and by goodness, we will do so. No one’s abandoning anybody, okay?” Hilde then sighed, fearing she was giving the wrong message. She turned to face him. “But if you really want to go, I can’t stop you. Only one thing’s for sure… I don’t want you to-and I have to repeat, I’m not leaving you.”

She saw his posture relax, and watched the softening of his eyes in wonder. Dear God, she prayed she was right about her earlier thoughts and resolutions. Yet Heero still went on. “Still, about what happened…”

She shook her head, cutting him off. Another hesitant smile rose to her lips. “Heero… I will not deny that what happened, happened. I will not forget that, or say that I haven’t been hurt, or tried to inflict pain in return… It really did hurt, and-it still does, I am sorry to say.” She paused, struggling for the right words. “But I prefer not to talk about it, or to continue whatever it was until I… am ready. Till I can understand, accept, and believe-and I’m not sure I can just yet. I just have to… follow my instincts, hope that they are right, and try to fix things up.”

She didn’t want to look at him after that, still fearing that her hopes were wrong, that he really did mean his earlier words and intended to leave her. When silence filled the milieu again, she moved off, and tried to push hope back into her suddenly thundering heart.

“I didn’t…” she heard Heero say, but his voice was muffled. Hilde turned back to him and raised her brow, “What was that?”

Heero struggled with his words, his hands raising before her, then faltering in their movement. In spite of herself, Hilde smiled. Adorable. And with that, she knew that in her heart, he was redeemed, and that she needed no more words. She placed a hand on his cheek, then stepped away.

Heero’s eyes widened at the contact, and when she withdrew, he immediately grabbed her hand. “You might think that I did… I just want to say that… I might have tried to, but I really didn’t want to hurt you.”

The widespread insecurity in his expression, coupled with the hesitant hope glimmering in his intense blue eyes caught Hilde’s attention. Heero, she didn’t know him all that much, but she felt his sentiments welling in her as well. And unbelievably, but fortunately, she felt something of strength within her, and that was joy, a joy that she knew she would share.

“I was hoping it would be that.”

Unknowingly to Heero, his grip on her wrist tightened, this time in comforting relief. Hilde allowed another laugh. She wasn’t sure about what happened earlier, or what Heero had meant and if they were true. But she was going to tuck away in her mind this event. It will surely make up for their argument, and remind her of what she had learned about Heero because of it. She grinned mischievously. “Besides, you’re too much of a Grudge, and I, too ‘boisterous’ for us to argue. It’s pointless.”

She eased her hand from his hold and in turn grasped his hand. She then dragged him to the door. “And besides, we’re both really, really wet and tired. This can turn out worse than PMS.”

And momentarily, Hilde shut her eyes once more. Maybe he did deserve everything after all.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~