There used to be a greying tower alone on the sea.

You became the light on the dark side of me.

Love remained a drug that’s the high, not the pill

But did you know that when it snows

My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen

- Seal, Kiss From A Rose

An undeniable force within her suddenly kicked her from the remorseless neutrality of cold oblivion, opening her into the glare of a room.

And Hilde expected to see her personal quarters, or their marching field, the barracks, or even their prison cells before her. She was still frighteningly alert, waiting for the sound of the First’s voice, or maybe another slap, or a hit to her body. She could accept blood on her lips, the glares of others on her face, and plain anger towards the world. The merciless stream of dreams that hovered between memories and nightmares still held her consciousness, and thus continuously had her in its control.

And so this was not what she had expected. A clean, quaint room, with lace curtains moving in the soft breeze, the sun’s faint light touching her face. Bloody hell, the bed was soft, too much, even for her. And she had blankets. Comfortable ones.

In trepidation, Hilde lifted her wrist. Her eyes narrowed. Countless cuts marred the surface of the back of her hand, and a large gash blemished her palm. Her other hand was no different, but neither hurt much… Her eyes narrowed-she had been treated. Well spit, who in the world would dare help her? That wasn’t allowed until she owed everything to herself, publicly… Stressed by the thought, she rolled to her side.

And that was when the pain in her waist gripped her. She let out a moan and fell back. Damn it all, how in the world did she get injured there, of all places? It wasn’t a vital place, nor did the wound seem at most fatal… But then-

Hilde allowed a trembling hand to brush against the wound. The instant she did so, a flash of a vision seized her. Blue eyes… angry, hurt, disbelieving eyes that made her want to cower in shame.

And all of a sudden, her mind surged with thundering recollections, some frighteningly vague, others with blinding clarity. Too overwhelming… they attacked her senses relentlessly-the sensation of killing edges brought against her skin, the blind anger at 29, the slicing words from her lips, then the numbing vision of a thousand glass shards falling in the air, with her blood… Her blood… Then the loss of hope… and seeing him walking down the alley, towards her-Heero’s eyes-

Hilde screamed.

And then it all came crashing towards her, and she was no longer the girl called by all names and numbers but never by her real one, no longer the fool who trembled, nor the embittered girl who had just hurt herself…

She had been free for five years already. She had a life of her own, and was the person she really was. She was not just Heidi now, not 26. She was Hilde Schbeiker. And she had just tried to kill herself.

She gasped for breath. Nein.

Slowly, she glanced around the room once more. There was no one there.

Tears slowly filled her eyes. He wasn’t here.

Damn it, Heero Yuy-why didn’t you just let me die? Whimpers rose up in her chest as intense sadness rose within her. What the hell was she still doing here? What kind of game was he playing? Trying to be some blasted saviour… hadn’t he seen enough? What kind of torture was this? Knowing that he had heard every cursed word she had uttered, had seen her trying to commit such an unforgivable sin…

She knew he would hate her. He had seen and heard the darkest, most wounded, sickest part of her being. He had seen her blood. He knew. He would hate her, just as they did-or maybe, find her a fool, pity her, would want to be rid of her. Would he try to mock her, too?

He might as well have killed her.

Feeling the harshness of reality defeat her, Hilde didn’t bother to wipe her cheeks dry as tears slipped a silent, agonizing path through her pale skin. Abandonment had left silence and coldness as her only option for comfort.

~~~

Heero wasn’t sure of many things.

Yes, he affirmed in his mind with a nod as he walked back home. That much was true. For one thing, he wasn’t sure about how he really felt at the moment. Whenever he thought back to the images of that night, from his foretelling fears about her disappearance, to their row after that, or to the burning kisses they shared momentarily-everything was mixed up in a jumble of anger, despair, want, and still, need. But those were nothing compared to how he felt when he saw Hilde wounded in more ways than imaginable in that alley. The anger in her voice, the vagueness in her eyes, and the shame in her expression… the pain in her…

Even now, he still felt the same rage, the same crippling anguish, and the guilt. Heero couldn’t deny that it was there. In many ways, he was still damned angry with her, about what she just tried to do to her life. And there was still the deeper fury, one directed at himself, for failing her. Everything… things were too complicated for him to describe. Coupled with the frustration of his relationship with her, the burden seemed enough to make any man fall.

Yes, he was unsure of many things.

Heero spotted their street within his vision. He took a deep breath and nodded. Hai, but he was sure of one thing.

He was sure of the emotions he felt during Sig’s surprising anger. The dread that overwhelmed even the blame towards himself when Sig warned him against going near Hilde again. The jealousy that overrode even the bitter confusion within him when the image of Hilde happy with Duo came with Sig’s threats. The powerful anger that surpassed the despairing confusion that made him want to give up all together when Sig pronounced that everything, everything that Hilde and he ever had would be nothing. Heero could remember every single moment of that talk… that much was more undeniable.

And Heero was sure of what to do.

What not to do, that was. Yes-he was confused, among other, even more pressing things. Yes, he was upset. But he would not leave her. Not now.

Never, he had once said.

Even at the cost of his own pain, if ever.

Heero paused. Suddenly, an uncalled-for thought sprang back to him. What if it took Duo and her being together for her to be happy, what then? Heero scowled at the thought. He did not know.

If Hilde had confided that she could not let him go, then that sentiment was nothing compared to the sudden possessiveness he felt. He could not let her go-more.

For if there was one thing he could be truly sure of, it was the presence of his feelings for her. The truth that she made him happy, and that, yes, he wanted her. He needed her. Yes, nothing, no repulse, no ignorance could change that.

He could not leave.

And that was when Heero neared the house. Feeling a sense of urgency within him as he glanced at the windows to Hilde’s room, he began to run. His heart started pounding madly in chest. The curtains were not drawn, as if something was meant to be hidden. Hiding… There was something…

He knocked loudly on the door and nearly ran over Callista when she opened it for him. For reasons unknown, the first words out of his mouth were “Is she awake?”

Callista’s lips were drawn in a thin line. She nodded. “Yes.”

Heero nodded curtly and started to head for the stairs.

Callista’s hand on his arm stopped him. He whirled around, too impatient to oblige. But the older woman shook her head.

“She does not want to see you.”

~~~

Hilde bit her lip as she finally let herself out from the effective enclosure of her room. Her first step rewarded her with another sting from her waist, and she winced. Glaring determinedly at the bathroom door from down and across the hallway, she took another step.

She went on with slow progress, bearing every slice of pain for each step. “Scheisse!” she muttered to herself as she tried to support herself by placing a hand on the wall.

Hissing to herself, she took several steps further. Finally seeing the doorknob within her reach, she gave a small, patronizing smile and lunged for it.

And felt a thousand needles slicing into her waist. “Ow! Verflucht!” She swore loudly, eyes narrowing in agonizing pain. “Damn it.”

“If you needed help, you should have asked Callista. Or Me.”

Hilde froze. Her hand tightened on the doorknob as she looked away and released a deep breath. Glaring daggers at the wall, she spoke curtly. “I can do this perfectly by myself.”

There was no infliction in his voice, suddenly very near her ear, as he answered. “Perfectly, if your short term goal is reopening that wound in your waist.”

Hilde gave an indignant sound and finally faced Heero, armed with the darkest of looks. He was standing beside the bathroom door, a hand firm on the doorway. If there had been a touch of humour in his words, his tone betrayed none of it. The look on his face was just as unreadable, where his eyes had a guarded expression and his lips were drawn in a grim line. “I don’t need your help.” She grated out.

He scowled, but ignored her. “What are you doing out of bed?”

Hilde mirrored his expression, but followed it with a haughty smirk. “What do you think? And don’t give me that crap about my health and all that. I’ve been through worse before.”

Heero spoke darkly. “Of course, the severe beatings for every misdeed. The accident in the barracks, and that time you hated the most, when they wanted an extremely damaged rib removed.”

Hilde’s eyes widened incredulously at his words, and she shook her head in disbelief. Callista had told her that she had been talking in her sleep. But to hear this much from Heero… To hear her memories, her weaknesses brought out before her… “Stop it. Damn you.” She hissed at him, wanting to hurt him. Instead, she struggled to open the door.

Heero’s eyes narrowed as he shut the door back angrily. “Why are you acting this way, Hilde?” He growled.

Hilde gave a short laugh. “Why, you don’t like seeing me this way? Can’t accept who I really am?” She shook her head and muttered bitterly. “Really, Heero.”

Heero swore under his breath and grabbed her shoulders in a hard grip. “What the hell is going on with you?” He snarled.

And if it had been any other moment, Hilde might have broken down at the harsh, upset look on his face. The tone in his voice could have gripped her heart and the light in his eyes might have caused her to tremble. And maybe, just maybe, the whole of him could make her feel inevitably weaker, just now.

But this was no longer just any moment.

Heero went on, now achingly softly. “Why didn’t you want to see me?”

Hilde then narrowed her gaze at him. But even so, she released a deep breath and closed her eyes. “Do you really want to know?” She finally whispered.

Heero didn’t bother replying to that. He merely squeezed her shoulders in affirmation.

“Then answer me this first,” she went on. Then she opened her eyes, revealing to Heero the unaccustomed darkness in them. She took a deep breath, staring into him directly. Slowly, she began, in the softest of voices,

“You wanted to leave, didn’t you?”

As expected, Heero’s mouth fell open. He was unable to form a reply. An unfamiliar surprised expression was on his features.

And deep within, if she truly owned up to the truth, one more second of seeing the look on his features would be enough to make her break down. And fall. And lose.

It was settled.

Hilde gave a self-depreciating, almost wry smile, then went on with her last question. “Then, why didn’t you?”

This time, her voice was clear, with strength and without hesitation.

As expected, there was no answer.

With that, she freed herself from his suddenly slacken arms and stepped into the bathroom, shutting the door softly behind her.

~~~

Hilde made a soft, hissing sound as she traced the disinfectant-filled gauze over her palm, feeling the familiar, but still fortunately weaker, pain come from it. It was a day after the incident in the hallway. “There.” She took another roll of gauze and started covering the wound. Just a few more days and she could go without it. She wasn’t being darned masochistic; she just needed to recover so badly.

So preoccupied was she by her work that she almost didn’t notice when Callista entered the room to bring her dinner. Hilde was securing the bandage when she took a deep breath and began to speak. “Thank you, Callista, so much-for treating me and helping me. I don’t know if I have said this enough.” She closed her eyes and paused. She wasn’t sure about how Heero found Callista, but in all ways, she had been a blessing. The woman had been extremely gentle and caring… And yet, Hilde wasn’t sure if she was in the position to return the same kindness and courtesy; things seemed so hard for her at the moment. “But I think, that maybe, you should just leave the meals for me. I can do well eating on my own-you know that.”

She glanced at her other palm, avoiding looking at Callista’s surely reproving eyes. “And still, maybe, tomorrow, I can try getting the meals from downstairs, myself. I need to learn to do things on my own in spite of my-injuries. I’ll still eat here, of course…” She trailed off, not knowing whether she was ready to see him or not…

That was when Hilde realized that Callista had not replied. At all.

And that there was the all familiar tingling at the base of her back, and at the top of her cheekbones. Exactly how she felt when… whenever-bloody hell.

“What are you doing here?” She whirled around from the chair. The familiar sight of Heero Yuy glaring at her with those eyes was enough to make her feel weak within. Damn it, hadn’t yesterday been enough? Her eyes narrowed at him, conveying how much she wanted him to just leave.

Heero didn’t speak. Merely strode nearer with leisurely pace, something that, to Hilde, seemed dangerously lethal. With his free hand, he grabbed the tray at the table and set it on her lap. He sat on the bed. “Eat.”

Hilde glared at him. “Not on your life. Leave.”

Heero narrowed his eyes at her. It almost made her shiver, but she merely raised her brow at him and returned the look with similar intensity.

“Where’s Callista?”

“Out.” He answered curtly.

Hilde started at that, “Then why-“

“I’m bringing your meal now and you are in no position to complain. So I advise you to shut up and just eat, lest you really want to get your meals from downstairs, yourself.” Heero interrupted, giving her an icy look that seemed to mock her just as well.

Hilde gave him a deadly glare. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Heero gave her an amused glance, then closed his eyes. “You really won’t please Callista with your absurd suggestion. She’s worked so hard to get you here, and all you can think about is doing things that could end up making you worse. You won’t even eat. Now how will you accomplish your intention of going downstairs by yourself?”

Hilde scowled at his scathing words. She had enough. She stood up.

And dumped the tray at his lap.

The startled expression on Heero Yuy’s face was priceless, (Ha!) but Hilde didn’t stick around to celebrate her apparent victory. She stalked towards the door without another word, thankful for the receded, though still very present, pain in her waist. She heard Heero giving a strangled “What the-“ but ignored him and headed for the stairs. “Eat, yourself.” She muttered.

If deep within, she had been dreading going down the stairs tomorrow, as planned, now the fear was ever more present. How in the world could she accomplish this without falling down at one point? Hilde took a deep breath. Oh, what the hell, it didn’t matter, any way. She grabbed the banister for her dear life and took a step down with her left foot.

Her entire right side protested. But she muffled her pain with a grunt and went on, leaving no positive thoughts about Heero for ruining her plans and making her do this blasted thing in advance. She heard his footsteps in the hallway just as she was about to take the third step.

“Kuso, Hilde, what are you trying to prove? Stop it.”

Hilde’s eyes narrowed in frustration. “You stay away from me, Yuy!” She threatened. Damn him, damn me for feeling this way for him, she gritted to herself, then glanced down. Bloody hell, eight more steps! I can do well without you, Heero. I don’t need you… She took another step… and her waist was on fire.

Hilde bit her lip to prevent another sound. But it was enough for Heero. He started to come after her in an instant. In rebellion, Hilde took another step and reached the small landing successfully. But all sensations reared up against her and she finally gave out an agonized moan.

But she didn’t fall. Heero’s arms didn’t falter when they enfolded her, as he suddenly appeared to draw her to his side. She gasped at this, feeling light-headed, elated, and desperate at the same time. Heero then went on without a word and tucked her head underneath his chin, holding her near and running a hand through her hair.

It might have been mistaken for a moment of weakness, but his voice was tender as he whispered to her roughly, “You’re too stubborn, Koishi. Don’t ever do that again.”

As her hands splayed against him, Hilde suddenly faltered, hearing the name she found so endearing. She took a deep breath, taking in the clean, intoxicating scent of him. She would miss this, would dearly long for the completing feel of his arms around her. And if she would close her eyes, it would become so easy to pretend that everything was all right…

No.

Her eyes widened, and she suddenly pushed against him. Looking up at him, she began to speak. “I don’t need your help-“

Suddenly, the gentle look in his eyes was gone, replaced by one that was filled with a tinge of mockery. “That seems much obvious.”

Hilde flared; it was his fault she was here in the first place. But for the first time, she found herself unable to form out biting words to keep him away. It was then when she realized that he still hadn’t released her. His hand was firm on her back. And it was warm.

Heero went on, moving along the topic as he glanced at the bottom of the stairs. “But,” he spoke softly, “it was impressive.”

Hilde started at that. “What? And will you please let go of me?”

Heero didn’t move his arm as he offered his explanation. “You got this far. Most injured people I know couldn’t even stand on their own, five days after the injury. You’ve been heading to the bathroom and trying to go down the stairs in the same span.”

Hilde snorted, unappeased. “Well observed. Your point is duly appreciated.”

“You’re welcome.” Heero smirked at her. “Come on.” He pulled her nearer and started towards the next step.

“What?” Hilde’s eyes widened, disbelieving. “Where are we going?” In her hesitation, she refused to move, but as Heero pulled her further, she found herself standing at the edge of the step.

Heero stared down the steps as he answered her questions. “You’ve gone this far. Might as well go through with it.”

Hilde gave him a withering look. “What are you going to do, Heero, push me?”

Heero, once again, didn’t bother answering as he pushed them both to step down. “What!”

Heero rolled his eyes. “This is getting repetitive, Hilde.” At Hilde’s glare, he went on with a movement of the lips that closely resembled the formation of a smile. “You’ll have to learn to walk, injured, with the least amount of pain possible. Now, lean onto me.”

Hilde tried to quip a hard ‘Over my dead body’ but the challenging look in Heero’s eyes prompted her to remain quiet instead. She merely snorted and tried to step down on her own.

The pain, which had mysteriously disappeared when Heero had held her, now returned with a vengeance. Damn it. Hilde winced, unable to go on further.

But Heero, who seemed to have anticipated her move, caught her once more and pushed her towards him. Immediately, the pain receded, and they found themselves both on the next step. “Well done, Hilde,” Heero started in a crisp voice that made Hilde want to push him down. “I know you’re excited, but I’m sure you can afford waiting for me.”

Hilde snorted, but couldn’t help acknowledging the fact that having him assist her downward made things much more comfortable and easier. Still, as Heero led her to another step, she couldn’t help retorting. “This is all your fault.”

“Why?” Heero replied without looking at her. Darn it, she was holding on so firmly to him with every step. That, alone, proved how dependent she was on him. Hilde felt so humiliated.

“You treat me like I’m some helpless invalid. Like a child.” They took another step, this time, with him holding her hand to balance her.

Heero shrugged. “You are injured. And you are acting like a child.”

Hilde snorted. “Look who’s talking? This comes from the person who just told me to shut up.”

“Ah, so you were offended.”

Hilde wanted to hit him. Heero went on, not affronted by the look in her eyes. “That’s good.”

“What?” She shrieked out, not caring about the ‘repetitive’ bit.

Heero gave her a glance sideward. “Just goes to show that you are still human, much as you’ve been acting to prove to me otherwise.”

Hilde’s jaw dropped at that, and she found herself, yet again, at loss with words. Not wanting to interpret what he said, she simply looked away. “You don’t understand.”

She didn’t know if it was her imagination, but Heero’s hold on her side tightened a bit. “Then make me.”

At those words, Hilde’s heart stopped beating. So affected was she that she almost fell down to her knees. It was so easy, so easy to want to let go and believe that things could, just as easily, be made right. And yet, it was so painful… Hilde let go of his hand and did not dare look up at him. “Why haven’t you left yet?”

It was Heero who froze at her words this time. And for several moments, they were accompanied only by a dull, aching silence. Hilde took a deep breath and closed her eyes. I knew it…Filled with an unbearable heaviness, she pulled away from him.

Heero suddenly pulled her back to him, not wanting to let go. When Hilde gasped and lifted questioning eyes to him, he merely shook his head. “Come on, we’re almost there.”

Hilde looked on wonderingly, “But I… I don’t understand.”

“Then I won’t make you.” Heero snapped in a hard voice. A sharp pang hit her heart at that. It shook her so badly that she tried to pull free again. This time, Heero removed his hand from her side. I see, Hilde thought bitterly.

She was surprised, however, when Heero took hold of her hand. “Now,” he turned to her, his eyes revealing none of the emotions his previous words indicated. “Hold on to the other banister-to your left, like you did to me, then step down, using your good side first. Avoid stretching or crushing your injury. Swing your other leg, if possible. It hurts less.”

Unable to do anything else, Hilde nodded mutely and did as he told-finding, not to her surprise, that she could move easily and with less pain. She nodded to herself, not bothering to acknowledge Heero as she landed on the last step.

She remained quiet after that.

“I guess this means you won’t be bringing your meals up, tomorrow.” Heero quipped, a tad goading. If going down was that hard, she knew he couldn’t imagine her going up the stairs alone, much less with a tray in her hand. Hilde shrugged.

She kept her gaze down, not bothering to watch Heero’s expression. She watched silently as his feet finally retreated from her view, indicating his departure. At last alone, she sighed thankfully and looked up.

From her position by the stairs, Hilde gave a quick, surveying glance to her surroundings. Nothing much changed, but she immediately realized how she missed everything so dearly. Getting up, cooking, eating, amidst entertaining banters and affectionate contact, with Heero, then training with him. Then going to the living room, reading and entertaining themselves, among other things…

Goodness, Hilde thought to herself. He’s been so much a part of me… Every moment of each day used to be spent with Heero. Weakened, Hilde wondered if she could go on the same way when Heero left her. It was such a damning feeling… the fear of being abandoned. Suddenly, Hilde just wanted to bolt out of there and free herself, free herself from the suffocating loneliness that was rising within her…

Heero suddenly returned to her view, and Hilde immediately wiped the beginnings of tears on her eyes away. Muttering darkly to herself, she turned her gaze to Heero and found him carrying… an apple?

“Here,” Heero deposited the fruit into her hands, “You like them, don’t you?”

Hilde looked confused, darting looks between his face and the apple in her hand. “Um-yes.”

Heero nodded. “Well then, let’s get going.”

Hilde became even more confused. “Where?”

Heero sighed, “To your room, Hilde. You left your meal there. You’ve proven yourself-now, you have to eat. Hold on to that, will you?”

“Oh,” Hilde replied, feeling stupid. “But wait-I can’t bring this apple,” Much as I want to, she confided to herself. It was strangely affecting, how Heero still knew about the things she wanted and those that she didn’t. “I don’t even know how to, well, how to go up. How do you expect me to do so with this in my hand?”

Heero shrugged, his face bearing an expression that she didn’t trust very much. Suddenly, he stepped towards her. And before she could yell another indignant word, he scooped in his arms and started towards the stairs.

Hilde could feel the fire in her cheeks. “Heero, let me-“

“If you ask me to let you go one more time, Hilde, I just might take you seriously.” Heero threatened, giving her a look that was a tinge affectionate. Hilde snorted-this was getting too infuriating. “It doesn’t matter, does it?” She yelled.

Heero paused in his steps. He gave her a short glance, one that seemed to be gauging her statement. It suddenly made Hilde want to take back her words, unexplainable though the cause was. Somehow, she felt as if she touched another nerve.

“It does, you know.” Heero finally whispered. “I promised you once that I wouldn’t.”

Without waiting for her response, he looked away and continued to climb up. He wouldn’t look at her after that, and when they headed to her room, they had proceeded in uncomfortable silence. When they finally reached their destination, Heero let her down, not daring to step into her sanctuary and provoke her needless anger once more. Hilde followed his example, merely nodding at him and walking back to her room without a word.

She was staring at the apple in her hand when Heero’s voice reached her. “Enjoy your meal.” His voice was so achingly soft, brushing her with an intensity that she couldn’t understand.

When she looked up, Heero was gone.

~~~

“No.”

Hilde gasped heavily as she sat up, ramrod straight in bed. Still dazed by the contemptuous hold of her dreams, she took hard, raspy breaths, trying to calm herself down. But even with this, she clutched tightly at the sheets, darting looks back and forth in the dark-as if a hidden oppressor would suddenly just appear and hurt her.

-Being carried roughly towards the room. Locking her inside-

Hilde shook her head, trying to remove the visions from her mind. “Oh God, please make it all stop…” She pleaded, placing both of her hands to her head.

-“Bitte! Please, I beg you, don’t leave me in here! Let me out! -”

“Don’t let him touch me!” She finally screamed out. Her voice mellowed down to an agonizing whisper as she wrapped her arms around herself, unsure of what was happening-uncertain, especially, of what to do. “I didn’t do anything wrong… Please, please don’t touch me…”

--Feeling someone breathing behind her. The hair rising behind her neck. Turning around to see him-

“I can’t take this anymore!” Hilde yelled, out of control. She raised her trembling hands, warding off an invisible opponent, as if doing so would end it all. She could feel the tears tumbling down her cheeks in a reckless display of unconscious vulnerability. “Make it all stop…”

Finally, her arms rested around herself, and she rocked on back and forth, biting her lip as she closed her eyes. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she realized darkly that it would always be like this. That truly, she could never escape, could never change…

He still wins over me, she admitted to herself, weeping shamelessly in the dark. And I will never be able to…

She cut off the thought with a sob, unable to go further. She only had to raise a palm before her to prove herself about what she had been, and what she could never be. The stark paleness, the evidence of cuts, and the semblance of pain within it spoke volumes.

I tried to kill myself.

“Oh God, forgive me.” She moaned out, hiding her face in her hands, whimpering to herself in shame and pity. How could she go on like this? How could she even hope in the first place? And there was no one there to hold onto, no one to turn to. She was all alone, and it was all so easy to give up.

Hilde knew she wouldn’t make it.

The thought produced another violent sob from her.

And gentle, comforting fingers warmly fluttered over her cheeks, cupping her face… then thumbing away the tears that darkness could only conceal so far. Sighing into the warmth, Hilde opened her lips in soundless relief, breathing softly as his fingers brushed the hair from her face.

Hilde allowed herself a sigh of contentment as soft lips grazed her forehead tenderly, erasing all of her fears. She could feel his arms wrap around her protectively, comforting her in their security, in the intimate way she knew who exactly he was.

For a moment, his lips brushed past hers, inciting so many wonderful emotions within her. And she felt his cheek touching hers, unmoving as he allowed her to share his warmth. The gesture itself did more than just that, and she shivered, moving closer, as if prolonging the contact would eventually remove every ounce of the pain she carried desperately within.

He was so beautiful, so wonderful…

Could she ever go on without this? Without him?

Hilde gasped, moving away. Opening her eyes weakly, she came face to face with Heero, who was looking down at her with such delicate care, his concern evident in his attention. The way he was looking at her, like this, made her want to weep more. This was what she was going to lose, what she would have to give up.

“Go away,” she whispered vehemently. But even she couldn’t believe her helpless plea. She tried to look away from him, but his unwavering gaze followed her so intensely that she found herself unable to do so.

“No.” He voiced out steadily, his voice no more than a hoarse whisper. “Not when you’re like this.”

Hilde tried to push against him, feeling the shameful tears well in her eyes once more. “No, you have to leave.” Unsure of what she was rambling out, the reasons that were in her heart revealed themselves in a rushing revelation she would never have done in any normal circumstance. “I’m going to trust you, I’m going to hope, and I’ll never want to make you leave. And you’re going to, and you’re going to make me cry, and I won’t be able to make it…”

Heero shook his head at her, placing a hand on her cheek. “Hilde…”

“No, no…” she refused blindly, shutting her eyes, “Please-“ But Heero had already pulled her closer, laying her head on his shoulder. She felt so helpless that she could only choke out in a numb mantra, “You hate me. You’re going to hate me. You all hate me…”

“I’d rather die,” He whispered back, seemingly more to himself than to her, “Than hate you.”

Hilde fell quiet after that. Her lashes brushed his skin as she opened her eyes, staring silently into the dark. The strength of his words paralysed her, deeming her unable to speak. And yet, even with this, she felt another betraying tear fall onto his shoulder.

Heero touched her this time, moving her before him. There was an affecting light in his eyes as he placed both of his hands on the sides of her face, forcing her to give him all of her attention. “Listen Hilde,” he spoke softly to her. And in a clearer, more fervent voice, he went on,

“I am here.”

Hilde’s eyes widened at that.

Three simple words addressed to her, simple words… She nodded slowly, biting her lip. Yes, but it was enough. As if all redemption was in those words; she needed no more. More tears made their way into her cheeks, and she placed her hands on his, hesitantly, but still, -it was enough.

Heero pulled her nearer, “Nothing will happen to you. I won’t allow it” She shook her head, and he ran a hand through her hair, ending at her neck. “Don’t cry, Koishi.”

It felt so wonderful to have him holding her there that Hilde leaned into him immediately. Nodding, he gently, he set her down against the bed, laying her so that his face was directly above hers. She took a deep breath, preparing herself for what she had to say.

It was Hilde who reached out to touch Heero’s face, this time. “You can leave tomorrow. Yes, you can.” She tried to ignore the fractional narrowing of his eyes, or the brief flash of hurt she saw in their Prussian depths. It was only the truth. “But, I…”

His hand tightened at the back of her neck. Hilde nodded, trying to prevent another surge of emotions. “Stay.” She bit out softly. “Please stay, tonight. That is all that I ask.”

Her request left her so breathless; it hurt to look at him, to see how he would react. Hilde didn’t know what to expect, or her reasons for wanting things to be this way. She could only say how she felt. And with the silence of Heero’s ponderings, she closed her eyes, ready to accept, and even to feel hurt, at his answer.

“You didn’t have to ask,” he answered shortly, even darkly, his voice rough with emotion.

For a brief moment, she wondered if her question had upset him. If his answer had been real. And for a short, disturbingly powerful instant, she wished that she had asked him to stay forever, instead.

But it was enough.

And feeling him lie in bed with her, moulding his shape to hers and holding her near with such gentleness, sharing his heat, feeling his lips brush her the back of her neck, and knowing the synchrony of their breathing-feeling his entire being with her that night was enough.

As if there was hope, as if she had a chance. As if she didn’t try to kill herself. As if all was right in the world.

As if, she went on finally as she closed her eyes without the fear of dreams, she was actually loved by him.

~~~

Hilde looked down at the table, sighting her wringing hands. Taking a deep breath, she gathered herself into asking the question. The one whose answer could affirm or contradict, and maybe even conclude, the frustrating flight of emotions within her.

Callista bustled around the kitchen as she muttered scolding words that expressed how worried she was about Hilde’s careless behaviour (“Running along the stairs in your condition, indeed!”), oblivious to her internal turmoil. Hilde shook her head and closed her eyes.

And was immediately greeted by the familiar vision of her empty room this morning.

It was all too much

“So, he has left, then?”

Just one word…

“You mean that boy, Heero?” Callista began, and Hilde’s heart started pounding madly. “Why yes, of course.”

Coldness seized her with shocking stealth from within, leaving her suddenly numb. Hilde suddenly found herself unable to breathe.

“I-I mean…” Her throat suddenly felt dry, “When?” Is it true? Was I actually right? Did he lie?

Callista looked thoughtful, “Some twenty-minutes ago, perhaps. I’m not sure. But you just might have caught him.”

Hilde couldn’t react, couldn’t thoroughly accept Callista’s words. Those innocent statements, though stated without malice, felt like mockery to her. “D-did he bring anything?” she asked breathlessly.

The old woman went on with her cooking. “No, not that I know of. Just enough money.”

Couldn’t wait to get you off his back, could he? Hilde stomped down the bitter words at the back of her mind. “Did he say anything… about me, that is?”

Callista shrugged. “I don’t think so. Left without a word. It seems as if that’s just the way he is-eager to get it all over and done with.” She smiled at Hilde, “People… oh child, I told you to rest! See, you’re looking pale already! Don’t worry, I’ll have breakfast done in a few minutes…”

But Hilde couldn’t hear her anymore. She stared helplessly in the distance, her mouth half-opened in disbelief. She couldn’t believe this was happening, and could only feel the pain rising with tremendous certainty within her …

You were right, weren’t you?

And for the first time ever since she had woken up, the bitterness disappeared, replaced by an even more weakening emotion: sadness, to such an extreme that it might have even defeated despair.

He had left, just as she had expected. Heero had gone without a word.

Hilde had never felt so horrible for being right in her life.

Did he truly hate her, as she had thought? Had he been that ashamed of what she had done? Hilde shook her head, not wanting to consider the answers to those questions. She didn’t know what to believe anymore.

Maybe because it truly hurt. Maybe, because in spite of her deliberate actions, a part of her had believed-or maybe had wanted, desperately, to believe-in Heero’s words. In his gentle, and sometimes roughly solemn assurances. That he actually understood, and that he wouldn’t abandon her. That he actually cared…

She gave a bitter laugh; well, it was too late for that now, wasn’t it? It was better this way, her having known from the start, and being prepared, instead of being backstabbed and ending up suffering more in the end. She had known; she hadn’t lost.

But still, she couldn’t pretend that the burning behind her eyes was not the beginnings of tears.

She had not only needed, and wanted him. She had-

Damn it, Schbeiker, he shouldn’t matter anymore!

But she had wanted him to stay; to stay, so badly-to just be there. He was like the air to her; he was just so much, so much to her…

I am here.

Hilde released a shuddering breath, gripping her hands together so tightly to prevent the tears from coming to her eyes…

Suddenly, the front door slammed shut elsewhere. Hilde jumped, startled. “What?”

Callista sighed. “That must be Heero. Thank goodness he’s come back. I wouldn’t be able to finish breakfast without butter. Such a good thing I sent the lad off earlier. How anyone could go on without a decent stock of butter in their fridge is beyond me…”

Hilde froze. “What? I thought-I thought Heero left…” she stammered.

Callista laughed. “Of course he did, we can’t very well find butter anywhere else except from the store, could we?”

Hilde’s hands formed into fists. What? The nerve, making her worry like that…

The immense relief that had risen up within her surprised her, so much so that she had to raise her hand to her heated cheek in surprise. However, her light emotions were immediately replaced by something else…

Anger.

Hilde scowled. She had been so weak, so vulnerable. And Heero, he had managed to turn her world upside down again. And he had no right, entering her room last night, taking advantage of her disoriented state-

And maybe, just maybe, had she been in the right state of mind, she would have realized that she was proceeding on to the emotions she would have felt otherwise in order to forget the pain of several moments ago. Or to gain a semblance of control.

But she hadn’t been. So it was with a heated look that she faced Heero Yuy as he entered the kitchen. Heero had been surprised to see her, but whatever it was he had planned to confront her with was forgotten, since the soft look in his eyes had gone, replaced by an amused one, when he spotted the expression on Hilde’s face.

He didn’t remove his gaze from her as he handed a paper bag to Callista. “Here.” He muttered. “Do you need anything else?”

Callista expressed her thanks and answered in negation. Heero nodded curtly and proceeded to sit in the chair to Hilde’s right. She narrowed her eyes at him.

“Why haven’t you left yet?” Hilde hissed at him, conveniently forgetting the fact that the question sounded incredibly stupid, all things considered. For once, she was waging a losing battle, crippled by the possibility of his departure, weakened by her anticipation of it, and fatally wounded by her emotions concerning him-and she knew it.

Heero’s eyes remained unreadable. His jaw clenched at her words, however. “If you should ask,” he began coldly, “then you already know the answer.”

“Don’t give me that.” Hilde threw angrily. If only he knew all the ‘answers’ she had already fitted in her head. “Just say what you need to say, and do it.”

Heero gave her another look that reminded her of what he used to be, of what he could do… and to that extent, of what power he could wield. On her. “What do you want me to say then, Hilde? What?” His voice was bitter, cynical.

That she never needed to worry, because it was all right. That despite the fact that she had acted like a rated bitch, he didn’t care. That even though she had tried to kill herself, he understood. And that no one in the world could take that away. That he cared, and that he would never leave, no matter what. That he would always be there, simply because it no longer mattered to him who she was, or what she had been through, because he’d want her just the same. That he, even to the smallest, most inconsequential degree, loved her.

Loved her.

Goodness, she wanted him to love her.

Hilde closed her eyes, trying to ward off the tears brought by the wretched, damnable truth within her. She could fight it but it was the truth. What she felt for him…

Oh, goodness, she didn’t deserve to live, not after this… Not after what she had done, what she was doing and what she was feeling.

“I don’t need anyone.” She slowly swore, in words that were colder than she had expected. She was sealing her fate with every damned word.

And it was slowly killing her.

What the hell.

Heero’s voice shot through the dark haze in her mind, sharp, knowing, and a tad amused. “That certainly doesn’t seem true, considering what was said last night, does it?”

Damn it.

Hilde opened her eyes. “Why you conniving, insensitive, bloody-“

Heero didn’t waste a second breath, his own blue eyes glinting dangerously as he accosted her. “What?”

“-bastard!”

“So the true feelings are now revealed.” He threw back scathingly. “What else is new, Hilde? How I am such a moron of a partner? Go on.”

Hilde didn’t flinch under his attacks. “Don’t make nothing out of this, Heero. Not out of what I feel, or what you are.” She grated. “And definitely not of what happened last night.”

“What did happen?” Heero asked, lazily, as if the matter was of no consequence to him. Damn hund, Hilde shook her head at him. He was so good at making her feel inferior, so cruel when he wanted to.

“You took advantage of-“ And that was when Hilde realized what Heero had just said.

What did happen?

Forgetting all protections, all masks, she found herself staring wonderingly at Heero, with his darkened eyes and indifferent face. Those words had come from him. Then that meant, that meant…

“So, it all meant nothing to you, did it?” Hilde finally whispered in a voice that was unexpectedly weak.

Heero started, apparently taken by surprise. But before he could speak, before Hilde could even see another glimpse of the shocked expression on his face, she turned away.

“Breakfast!” Callista suddenly announced with suspicious cheer.

Hilde stood up. No more. With a wavering smile, a quivering voice and a vision that was much too blurry, she spoke, gripping her seat mercilessly. “Danke. I’m not hungry.”

She didn’t even wait for a response; she left the room. And retreated from Heero Yuy’s eyes.

Because then and there, she knew, with only little uncertainty, that it was over.

She could no longer face the sun.

Another dream destroyed.

~~~

The house was deserted. Heero had gone on The Unknown Trip of the Day once more, if she was correct, and she had sent Callista off on her own, knowing that the woman had her own life to live. In truth, though, it was obviously a cowardly bid to escape Callista’s knowingly interrogating gaze. Heero’s departure hadn’t gone unnoticed. Nor was their lack of communication, or the hostility present in what little the two of them had talked about before. She didn’t know if it was out of wisdom, discretion, or exasperation-but the woman never spoke. For that, she was glad.

Everything was dark, too. She hadn’t bothered turning on the lights.

It was nice, the dark. It had always given her a lot to fear. But, in some ways, the only way to overcome the darkness was to join it. To bask in its hidden glory. Somehow, being clothed in it comforted her. In the darkness, no one could see her, could hurt her. She was the one who reigned. She was the one who could see, who had the advantage over those in the light.

Hilde took a puff from the cigarette, delighting in the keen sensation it brought to her. Bloody hell, Instructor would have a fit if he saw her right now. The man was too paranoid for his own good. Blowing, Hilde grinned to herself. Chain smoker, social smoker, Sir-there’s a difference. And it’s not just the spelling.

She smirked. What shame would he feel, seeing her like this now?

Hilde was seated on a rug, sprawled carelessly in the garden floor, watching the full moon as it ascended to its height in the darkness. Contemplating the meaning of life seemed like a spruced up alibi. But then again, what life had she to contemplate on?

In five days, Black Star had managed to destroy what took her five years to create. Huh. Bloody vermin, that was always what they were good at. Damage was their specialty.

Of course, she was just as damned as every single one of them. She had been, if not still was, one of them. The same tendency towards ruination was also her own. She couldn’t remove the blame for that.

“So what now? I have been proven wrong. Do what you want with me! Punish me!” She hissed to the sky, waiting for a Divine lightning bolt to kill her on the spot. “I was disillusioned. I was a fool. I tried to kill myself. What more proof do You want to show You how unworthy, how much of filth I am?”

The silence greeted her.

Hilde gave a harsh laugh. Some plan. Some reason. She took a drag from the cigarette once more and slowly exhaled. What the bloody hell was left for her now?

“What are you doing here?”

Hilde froze, then slowly looked up. Divine Justice. Or Irony. Or Corny Sense of Humour, if she ever saw one. She sighed and slowly turned her gaze to Heero, who was standing a few meters away from her. In the shadows, too. “Oh. You.”

His eyes fell on her hand. “You don’t smoke.”

Hilde merely shrugged. “You don’t know me, then.”

Heero took a few strides towards her. At Hilde’s dubious gaze, he lowered his palm to hers. “May I?”

Hilde gave him a speculative look, but after a few seconds, she relented. “Why not?” And handed him the cigarette. He took it without complaint and inhaled, using it without hitch, as if he had been smoking for years. For a moment, Hilde just stared at him, transfixed. Enemies, friends, almost-lovers or not, there was an entrancing look to Heero Yuy, exhaling smoke under the moonlight, that made you see his real beauty.

Hilde shook her head after several seconds. “Schönheit.”

Heero dropped his gaze to her.

“Impressed,” Hilde went on, not wanting to explain what was said. “Instructor would have gotten rid of the cigarette, for all the evil things it was, and given me a good tongue lashing.”

Heero raised his brow. “He spanked you?”

Hilde sighed dramatically. “Alas, I was ten, then.” She smirked. “Can I have it back?”

Heero shrugged and without a word flicked the cigarette away, a bit hatefully, for all the evil things it was. Hilde had a feeling he had wanted to do that ever since he saw the damn thing in the first place. “Touché.”

“I don’t want you smoking.”

For several seconds, there was mere awkward silence between them. One that, Hilde was sure they both knew, was terribly insufficient to bridge the growing gap between the two of them. She sighed and returned her gaze to the moon.

She could never stand silent matches. Damn him, anyway. “So.”

Heero didn’t move his eyes from the sky. “So.”

“Can I say it more clearly? What are you still doing here?”

Heero gave her a short look. “Out here, or with you?”

She knew what he meant of course. She shrugged indifferently. “Depends on your perspective.”

“You’re here, I’m here.” He paused, almost unsurely. “Does that matter to you?”

“Does it matter to you?”

It was Heero who shrugged this time; “It doesn’t matter what I think.”

Hilde didn’t know what to say to that. She sighed and lifted her knees, placing her chin on her hands.

“Incidentally, as you may be pleased to know, I am leaving.”

“Oh.” No surprise there. Let me grieve-but I’ll bitch and moan about it later. If I’m lucky, I just might meet that lightning bolt and die. “Where are you going?”

“Earth. Somewhere in Southeast Asia, where it won’t be easy to be found.” He admitted, nonchalantly of course, as if they were just discussing the weather and not their separation.

Hilde looked away. “I see. When?”

“Two days from now. Plane leaves on Tuesday, six pm.”

“Okay.” It was like a blasted briefing. Hilde swore underneath her breath, but then just shook her head resignedly. “Happy trip.”

Hilde didn’t know if it was really there, but she could almost swear there was a hard note in his voice when he responded. “Good.”

She was taken by surprise by that response. But then, who more to expect something like that from but Heero? She swallowed, knowing what she was feeling now and trying so hard to push it down. She could only go so far. “Ja.”

Heero didn’t move. And neither did she.

Any wrong move, after all, could be fatal.

After several seconds, Hilde sighed, unable to take more of this hurtful silence, one that anticipated more pain and no redemption. But the low sound she gave quivered with a touch of obvious vulnerability. Stupid emotions. How she’d been reduced to a whimpering little… girl was beyond her. But she knew that one glance, just one fleeting glance, at Heero would remind her.

It isn’t every day that you meet a man so easy to love and so hard to let go of.

It isn’t every day that your heart breaks.

And so she slowly stood up, then with a vague sense of reality, walked. Walked with long, unhurried steps towards his side, as if wanting to remember this moment for all times, no matter how hurtful, how bitter it was. She would have to pass him in order to get into the house, but it was only when Hilde came to his side that she lifted her eyes to his.

And the sight, as always, took her breath away. The stormy depths his eyes held, knowing so much, seeing all that had been and could be, hiding and revealing the heights and pits of feelings-all of these could be seen in Heero Yuy’s eyes, a sight one could only be so lucky to see. The reality of all that he was, of the wholeness of his spirit, was a majestic vision. He was, and always will be, beautiful.

She closed her eyes for the barest of seconds. So, this is goodbye.

And when she opened them, she saw more than just his eyes, but also how he was looking at her. With anger, regret, despair, and a number of unnameable emotions that she could not comprehend. “No.” He whispered hoarsely.

She must have spoken her farewell out loud. Hilde shook her head at her stupidity then stepped back. But Heero grabbed her elbow in a firm grip. “Don’t even think about it.” He growled. “You won’t get away.”

Hilde winced as he drew her nearer roughly, feeling a sense of panic within her. “Heero-“

But Heero merely placed another hard grip on her shoulder. “No.” The word was spoken with such strength that it made her stop. He used his other hand to lift her face to his. “Look at me.”

Hilde flinched at his dark eyes, now seemingly possessed by a savage emotion. But Heero indicated no notice. He merely grated on, “I’m leaving, Hilde.”

Hilde felt her lower lip tremble; found herself unable to move. “Yes.”

“And you’re not doing a damn thing.”

She froze at that. And in the same traitorous moment, she took a deep, shuddering breath, one that was the prelude to the sudden unstoppable tumble of tears on her face. She immediately tried to wipe them away with her wrist, “What do you want me to do?” she whispered then, her voice weak.

“Don’t.” Heero held her hand. “Don’t wipe your tears. Don’t pretend to be strong before me.” His face expressed a solemn visage that even she was startled to see. His eyes were tender and bitter at the same time. “Don’t ask me why I haven’t left yet. Don’t act as if I don’t care. Don’t turn away-don’t hide.” And in a last, choked breath. “Don’t make me leave.”

Hilde gasped.

Then slowly, ever so slowly, she backed away from him, shaking her head. “No. Stop it, Heero.” She choked, and her eyes glistened traitorously. “Don’t try to change things. It’s not enough. And I can’t bear any more of that.”

Heero’s jaw clenched. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh come on, Heero. You know how things really are.” Hilde let out, her voice desperate and weak. Then she lowered her eyes, relenting. Now, softly, “You know what I am.”

Heero flinched at that, then looked away. “It doesn’t-“

“Matter?” Hilde dared at him; “You really don’t care?” Her voice shook disbelievingly.

Heero couldn’t reply. His hold on her hand tightened. Hilde swallowed.

Slowly, she withdrew one hand from Heero’s hold, ignoring the shadowy look on his face as she did so. She took a deep breath, hoping for strength, and slowly lifted her hand before them. “Look at this, Heero. What do you see?”

Heero’s eyes widened. The moonlight fell on her hand, highlighting the paleness of her skin. It accentuated the lack of life in the prominence of her veins. But more startling was how bright the red of the countless cuts came out in the nocturnal light. Her wounds were brought out in their disturbing intensity, and the gash across her palm was ultimately unbearable. A hand that could have been mistaken for that of a corpse-this gruesome image was the first sight she had seen when she had woken up alone.

Heero narrowed his eyes, scowling. “I don’t need this.”

Hilde shook her head at him. “Oh yes you do, and you can’t deny it!” Her own eyes fell to her hand, and she cried out. “You can’t even say it. But you can see. And we both know that you see the hand of someone who tried to kill herself.”

He heard how her voice broke at the last statement. “Hilde…”

“You see the hand of someone who grew up, hating life.” Hilde went on. “You see the hand of a person who tried to escape all that she was, all that she had ever been through, and pretended that it didn’t exist. You see the hand of someone that ran way from herself and forced you in her problems. Someone who tried to tell you how to fix your life but couldn’t even fix hers. A hypocrite. You see the hand of someone who had hurt your feelings and had let you down. The hand of someone who had deceived you. Most of all, you see the hand of a person who doesn’t believe that she is worth anything.”

Hilde’s voice faltered, and her eyes narrowed as she stared at her hand, allowing a few tears to escape. “And that is filth, that is shameful. And you don’t deserve that, Heero. You don’t.”

Heero grabbed her hand, desperate. “No…” His voice was hoarse.

Hilde pulled away from him and closed her eyes, wrapping her arms around herself. She couldn’t bear to look at him any longer. “You have to understand, Heero. I…” she took a deep breath. “I would want you to stay, more than anything in the world, and I could ask you to do that. I would hold on to you. Then I’d never let you go.” Her voice hitched, and now, the tears freely fell. “But I have learned, Heero. I can’t afford to be disillusioned. It is never enough.” Hilde shook her head, now opening her eyes to stare blankly at the sky. “To feel is not enough. To want is not enough. To dream, it’s n-not enough.”

Heero finally spoke, his voice uncertain, as if panicked. “You can’t say that.”

Hilde bit her lip, trying to prevent a sob. The coldness within her had risen so high, laying claim on everything. “No. Because even then, even if I would hope, this would linger.” She absently brushed a hand on the wound in her waist. “I tried to kill myself, Heero.” She spoke, still as if she couldn’t accept that fact. “And even if I try to believe that it would be alright, it wouldn’t. I’d just be prolonging the inevitable. I’m sure you’d still be leaving in the end, eager to have me off your back. Because what I did does bother you, and you do care about what happened. I can feel it.” She knew she had to go on with her next words. “And in the end, we’ll only end up resenting each other for it. And I don’t ever want you to hate me.”

“I will never hate you.” Heero swore to her, his eyes suspiciously bright in the moonlight. Hilde looked away.

“I am not enough.” Hilde whispered. She gave a small laugh, “You don’t want me, Heero Yuy, and you know it.”

Heero grabbed her arms once more in a tight grip. “You don’t know how I feel.”

“I guess I never would, because you never trusted me with how you felt, did you?” Hilde answered, her voice bitter. “And with good reason.”

Heero fell silent, and his arms slackened around hers. Hilde stepped back.

“You said earlier that you were leaving, and I wasn’t doing a single thing. Well you’re wrong, Heero. I’ll be crying, I’ll fall apart, I’ll be taking and giving blame. But I’d rather not do it in front of you. I can only go so far.” She took a deep breath. “So please, don’t make me hope, don’t try to pretend, don’t try to fool me-that you care, that you want to stay. Because I won’t be able to bear it. It hurts too much.”

This was it. She had said the worst of her fears-all of which were true. And Heero did not deny any of them. In truth… just one genuine word was enough. Just one word. But she now realized that even if she waited for him to say anything, he would never speak.

And she knew, despite how painful it was, that it was time.

She couldn’t even look at him.

“I-I won’t cry before you. I don’t want you to see me like that.” She wiped her tears, opposing his earlier wishes. “I’m sorry if I confused you with how I behaved. I just didn’t want to get hurt anymore. I’m so tired of that… And now that I’ve explained, I’ll just… I’ll-pretend to be strong. I won’t expect anything anymore-I know you won’t care. And… and I’ll tell you now. P-please… leave.”

Heero’s hands slowly fell from her shoulders.

Hilde closed her eyes. I’m sorry.

“Goodbye.”

She couldn’t take it after that. She stepped back, choking, still unable to face Heero. And with one jolted movement, she ran, no longer bothering to wipe away the tears that mourned the loss of something infinitely irreplaceable.

~~~

You became my power, my pleasure, my pain.

~~~

She asked herself, for the hundredth time, what she was doing here.

Hilde sighed as she heavily swung her foot down from the last step of the stairs, gripping the banister mercilessly as she stared at the darkened hallway. It was just an apple. She had locked herself up in her room the whole day, not even the least hungry. She still wasn’t.

An apple couldn’t be that bad.

She wondered about the sudden craving. The thought was a willing distraction. Dark musings already suffocated her through the whole day, and she had helplessly wallowed in them. She was still so unsure, still so upset…

So afraid.

Hilde sighed, tearing her thoughts from Heero and willing herself to focus on the damn apple.

Yeah, suffer in style, eat fruit. She rolled her eyes-bloody humour.

And so, she crept towards the kitchen, knowing fully well that she had to hurry. Of course it was already near midnight, but still, she couldn’t be too sure. She couldn’t bear having another confrontation with Heero. She espied the fruit basket on the counter near the kitchen door, and without hesitation, snatched a fruit.

Ah, the bloody apple.

She heard a chair scraping across the floor.

And she looked up.

And found Heero Yuy, roused from sleep on the table, watching her with piercing eyes.

The apple fell from her fingers.

And all sensibilities, all dark humour, all hold on control suddenly abandoned her, leaving her gasping for breath. Hilde took an unstable step backwards.

In blinding irony, she realized that the scene was reminiscent of another moment, when their roles had been reversed. It had been she who had been on that table, waiting for his return up to the tiring hours of twilight morning. Heero had been the one standing in the hallway then, surprised but unaffected by her presence.

She didn’t need any signal; she dashed off in the hallway.

Heero followed her.

“Damn it, Heero. Leave me alone!” Hilde let out in despair as she emerged in the foyer. She risked a glance and saw his clenched jaw, his determined eyes.

“Not this time, Hilde. We are going to talk.” Heero answered curtly.

Hilde shook her head, incredulous. “What for?” She bit her lip, willing herself to stop feeling the urge to cry. “Haven’t you said enough?”

She was climbing the stairs when he answered. “No, I haven’t said enough! I didn’t even speak-“ he yelled, visibly upset. “And stop running from me, damn it!”

“No.” Hilde shook her head. “It’s too late. What more can you do to change things? Enough is enough. Aren’t you tired of being hurt? It’s been settled, Heero.” She paused at the landing, gathering the strength to speak the next words. “It’s over.”

“Liar,” Heero growled angrily, gaining on her, “You know as well as I do that it will never be over between the two of us. Not as long as I live.”

Hilde stepped away, distancing herself. She shook her head. “What difference does it make? It doesn’t matter anymore.”

Heero’s stride became faster, more lethal, and his eyes expressed unhidden fury at her words. Hilde flinched as he whispered, “Don’t tell me it doesn’t matter.”

“It shouldn’t!” Hilde answered just as savagely. “Because once you step out that door, everything will mean nothing. You will forget me and I would have to forget you!” She choked. “You will be free of me, of all that I ever did, and of all the problems I caused. So just stop this and let go!”

“Can you?” Heero dared, his eyes narrowing in a combination of weakness, bitterness and mockery. “Can you stop it and let go?”

Hilde sucked in a sharp breath. “That’s unfair-“

Heero didn’t give any warning, suddenly grabbing her arm and pulling her to him to prevent further escape. Hilde screamed. “Don’t touch me!”

Couldn’t he understand that she couldn’t bear his nearness? That she had locked herself up in her room all day to prevent any more painful confrontations with him? Hilde struggled angrily against his firm arms, whimpering. “You can’t do this.” She let out piteously.

“Stop struggling!” He commanded, but Hilde sobbed, attempting a last, desperate attempt to escape as she kicked at him. “Let go of me!”

Heero cursed. She needed to get away from him. And although Hilde was injured, she managed to manoeuvre a kick that sent them off balance. In a rough tumble, they both fell to the floor. But even as they both hit the ground, Heero remained resilient, keeping a strong hold on her shoulder. Hilde shrieked angrily attempting to push him off, but he roughly pinned both of her hands with his, one above her head and one to the side of her face.

“Will you just listen to what I have to say? You at least owe me that!”

“No! Let me go! Can’t you understand that I have to get away from you? Leave me alone!” She persisted frantically, screaming at the top of her lungs. She tried to kick him away, but he slammed her legs to the floor with his, straddling her. She winced, but was ignored. It was with dangerously furious blue eyes that he looked at her and growled.

“Over my damn dead body.”

Hilde could have tried to protest more, but his murderous glare dared her to defy him. In an instant, she weakened, shivering.

And then and there, Hilde lost.

She shivered, then kept her eyes resolutely from him, her head to her side. She never had a chance, with her heart and with her mind, against Heero. Pinned underneath him, she felt the fight seep away from her, leaving her raw, unprotected and defeated. Goodness, she never had a chance. She had fallen.

And so, she laid there, suddenly numb, caught in such overpowering neutrality, one that continued to prevent her from facing Heero eye to eye, and one that made her aware of only one thing: her pain.

She released a shuddering breath. “I am so tired…” Her words hitched with her breath. “So tired of my bloody worthless life.”

Traitorous tears silently slipped from her eyes. “Of crying, of always being the one who lost, of always being weak, and wrong, and hurt, of being the unlucky, undeserving one. Of being hated, hated, always hated…”

She trembled. “I wanted to die. I really wanted to die. Many times I had wished I’d never been born. Herrje… why me?” Hilde closed her eyes against the growing fall of tears. “Why you?”

She didn’t notice how Heero’s hands tightened on hers.

“I wanted you to stay.” she began again, darkly, hopelessly. “Could you believe that? I wanted you to forgive me for what I did. To tell me that it would all be alright. I wanted you to be there when I woke up.” Her voice shook and she bit her lip. “I wanted that so badly. It was so stupid… Of course it was. I was.” She released another needy breath.

And when she spoke, her voice was weak, softer than it had ever been, almost inaudible. “But most of all… Most of all, Heero Yuy, I wanted you to love me. And that was the biggest mistake of all. Goodness, can you believe my nerve? Even with all that I am, all that I did-I wanted you to love me.” She laughed bitterly. “And look where it got me. Down here again, fallen. Ever just as cursed. And I am so, so damned tired.”

More tears fell. She opened her eyes; she still kept them away from him.

“Why can’t you just leave?” She whispered heavily, more to herself than to him. “Why can’t you just leave?” Her voice was accusing, as if blaming him for her pain.

She felt the touch of his words on her skin when he whispered with much difficulty. “I can’t.”

Hilde was repulsed. She faced him with renewed fury, trying once more to struggle, this time at him. “Damn you, Heero. I don’t want your pity. Just leave me alone!”

They always said that people who loved each other would have gone through the must unreachable depths of pain-darkness, despair, evil and wrong even. And as such, may have reached the long sought zeniths of unadulterated happiness together, of redemption and rebirth of purity, selflessness and good. Two souls just came face to face with both.

Heero’s voice was hoarse, tinged with tangents of fear, and pain. She could feel his heart pounding hurtfully as he spoke. “You, you have more of me, so much more than just my pity. Or my… my anger. Or my shame.”

Such was his voice, one that was so unfamiliar that it might have been mistaken as someone else’s, that even Hilde was caught. His words disarmed her anger, leaving her quiet, anticipating, and just as frightened. “I…”

“You don’t have to believe, or say the same thing. All I want, on my life, is for you to listen.” Heero went on, his voice still strained and raw. “Because I need you to, you deserve to hear.”

His words came nervous, uncontrolled, as he matched her gaze with his. “Y-you came to me on a rainy day. I wanted to kill myself, then. Then you had to get rid of that damned stone. I wanted to hate you.”

Hilde tried to look away, but Heero held her face, guiding her back to meet his urging, strangely desperate eyes. “Then you made me follow you, into this ancient, frilled house. I wanted to leave then. You touched my wound and told me to trust you. Irritating snoop. I wanted you to get lost.”

And for once, Hilde recognized the mystifying glittering in Heero’s eyes; an image that she realized was similar to her own. “You called me stupid. I thought you were stupid. Then you made me stay. You made me stay.” He repeated his words, as if not believing them, himself.

“And you made me wonder about you. I found out about you, and I was upset. Then I wanted to help you. How much more stupid could I get? You were ashamed at first, and I had to comfort you. To put up with your gloating, with your annoying questions, with your infuriating temper, but most of all, with your singing in the bathroom!” Heero raged on shakily, and Hilde could feel the tremor his voice in his fingers. She felt an unbearable weight pressing in on her, waiting to be lifted.

“You made me read. You called me all stupid things. You bought me clothing. Then had the audacity to get mad at me because I didn’t want to dance. And dance, we did. And I could remember feeling so light, so comforted, even enjoyable that night.” Heero kept staring down at her, his lips starting to tremble. “Then we fought, and I hurt you. And you… you damned kept coming back into my life. You still made me stay. You even forgave me. You lost your beret, I got it back, hell, I got sick. And when I woke up-when I woke up, you were there, by my side, trying to hide the fact that you were crying. You were there.”

Hilde choked, not nodding, but feeling the strong tears rise once more. “And you made me cook-bake, whatever torture that was…” A pause, a faint smirk, then a wondrous expression. “Then you said… that I was deserving. Deserving!” He tasted the word on his lips. “And that you cared… Then you took me to your stars. Your unfairly beautiful stars…” Silence. “And I kissed you-and I believed.” I believed.

Hilde started crying, vaguely aware of the moistness in Heero’s eyes as he shakily thumbed her tears away. “Then you left. And that damned broke me. You never know how. And I found out how much you were suffering. How much you never valued yourself. And that hurt more, because you never even knew what you were making me believe. You didn’t even know what you were changing me into.”

Hilde shook her head slowly, sadly, and Heero nodded, much in the same, solemn matter. “And then you, you almost died. You even tried to kill yourself. Do you know how that made me feel?”

Hilde tried to stop him. “No, I don’t want to hear this…” she protested weakly. Heero silenced her without words, for the despair in his eyes was something she recognized.

“It almost killed me.”

Hilde released a shaky, watery breath.

A tear splattered to her chin.

She lifted her eyes to him.

“I wanted to die, then. Because I couldn’t hate you. Because I could never bring myself to hurt you. Because you could make me do anything you wanted me to. Because you could hurt me so easily, without even doing anything to me. Because I couldn’t make myself leave you. And in spite of those, I didn’t save you fast enough, didn’t understand you well enough, didn’t listen to you long enough.” Heero whispered, his voice raspy. He paused to take a deep, comforting breath; his eyes never left hers.

“You kept asking me if I wanted to leave. Then why? Why didn’t I?” Heero breathed shakily. “I wanted to leave. I wanted to because I wasn’t good enough for you. I didn’t because you were all that I wanted to hate, and I couldn’t. Because even then, I cared. Because even then, I was scared and furious, and I couldn’t ignore that, but I also couldn’t live without you there-screaming at me, making me mad… making me go shopping with you. Making me laugh, even.”

His lids lowered. “And I can’t-I won’t leave you alone. I’m so tired of being hurt, too. I’ve been truly lower than you’ve been. I’ve been angry, but I understand. And I care, and nothing, nothing in the world will ever take that away.” He breathed. “If you can’t believe in anything else, believe in that.”

Hilde’s sobs grew. And yet, the anger was gone from her eyes, so was the despair, the pain, the darkness. Heero’s hands held her face as he swore. “You can’t make me leave. I’m not leaving, not without you.”

And Hilde burst into more tears, wrapping her arms around his neck and bringing his face to her neck, allowing him to hide the tears she didn’t yet deserve the whole right to witness, crying her own tears in the process. And he fell into her, wordless, clutching her tight, as she, he, as if it was the only thing that mattered in the world.

And there had been no repetitive affirmations. No apologies. No proclamations of love. No promises of forever. There wasn’t even an assurance of ever hearing the same things again.

But this time, truly, for them, it was enough.

~~~

A light hits the gloom on the grey.

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Notes: Yes, people, it is the last chapter-to book One. Explanations and acknowledgements can be found on my website at http://storybox.virtualave.net/gundam.html

Or at the direct link - http://storybox.virtualave.net/gundam/myfics/gwinauthor3.htm

It’s been great, writing. Hope you’ll continue with the touching support!

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