I answer the heroic question "Death, where is thy sting?" with

"It is here in my heart and mind and memories."

- Maya Angelou

~~~

The wind blew past him, and the cold air blasted his senses. Darkness assailed every corner of his being, but he could no longer care.

He felt as if he was losing himself. As if a very important, now distant part of him elsewhere was slowly dying. The fear suffocated him and sought to take control of his actions-but that no longer mattered.

And there was no time to think, no time to strategize, to sort out reasons, and no time to blame. There shouldn’t be any time for worrying either, no time at all.

She’s going to die.

Heero Yuy swore.

He was going to die.

And so he ran.

~~~

Hilde’s eyes widened at the symbol. In a moment of repulse, she closed her eyes and turned away from it. “Schwarz Stern,” she breathed out. Mein Gott, nein. Feeling her heart pound frighteningly loud in her chest, she realized how afraid she was. It surpassed any fear of battle or death that she had ever experienced before. All that she had run from, all that she had ever sought escape from was right before her eyes. And fear, just like that of a child who was so alone, rose with tremendous intensity. And she was afraid to open her eyes, not wanting to let go of the hope that this may all be just a bad dream…

Firm fingers traced a rough, exploring pattern on her cheeks. “Come now, Liebe,” the voice whispered. “Don’t tell me you’re actually scared.”

Suddenly, her shoulders were slammed against the wall behind her, and Hilde winced as the pain in her waist twisted. As she opened her eyes, 29, with his hauntingly handsome visage, sneered at her. “You’re actually scared of coming back to safe, sound Auschwitz?” He tilted her chin to face him. “Why so?”

It was a living nightmare.

His steely lavender eyes narrowed at her, “Could it be that you’re actually scared to face whatever it was that you left back there? Or maybe you’re not ready to comprehend the consequences of your very, very bad behaviour? Tell me, Liebe, which is which?”

The choice of his words caused a shiver to run down her spine and, immobilized by her panicking senses, she wasn’t able to reply. 29 smirked. “That’s okay, 26. You must be… overwhelmed. But, let me assure you, it will all be over when we get there.”

And even through her frustration, the statement cut through her. Hilde shook her head. “You’re not taking me back.” She hissed in a low voice, as if swearing at him. Or maybe, assuring herself.

Suddenly, 29 gripped her chin a motion that caused her more pain. One that impressed on her how angry the person really was. “Is that so, 26? I don’t believe you’re in any position to order me right now.” He lowered his face to hers and snarled in a harsh voice. “When we get back there, believe me, you will face whatever it is he wanted you to see that night, and he will do to you whatever he wants to. You will feel more pain than any of us have ever encountered. Yes, pain.” He whispered in a fevered voice. “It’s about time you suffered, 26.”

Hilde gasped at that. Taking a shaky breath, she refused to answer him, tried to look anywhere away from those piercing eyes. Tried to refuse reflecting on his words. Not him… Any fate was better; any punishment was more preferable than going back to him… She started shaking.

29 grinned with pleasure. “You don’t know what life has been ever since you left. The First had been so upset. You will never guess what happened. His wrath… that angry wrath, was turned on everybody.”

Hilde took a sharp breath at that. She knew what it was like whenever the First was angry; she’d witnessed it first hand. The effect was to blow up on the most viable subjects. Many times, the upper council bore the brunt of his explosive temper. And that had a chain effect that reached, unfortunately, even the cadets. In their world, the solution to anger was violence, and those who couldn’t easily defend themselves were subject to most of which. Especially when the First directly turned on them in his fury. There were beatings, torture, assault, rape…and even, most disgustingly, death.

Hilde looked away. Was this actually happening? And had her escape really-“How many died?”

It was as if her knowledge of what happened infuriated 29 more. “Some, 26-but much more had to go through their ‘ministrations’. You have no idea…how many of us… suffered on your damn behalf!”

And the finale to his words was an angry slap to her cheek. As pain vibrated at the sides of her face, Hilde realized, with even more intensity, how mad the man really was at her. Many had to suffer for her…

She didn’t have to look up to 29 to realize how much he’d waited for this moment. What kind of revenge would he want to inflict on her? Death?

Death…

As if reading her thoughts, 29 spoke. “I wouldn’t dream of killing you, 26. That would be too easy. I would rather take you back home, have you face all that you’ve left behind. It would be glorifying for me-for all of us who had to go through the pain-to have you back. To see you be miserable, the same way we had been. To see you face him.”

Him.

Suffer.

Unverziehen, she once heard him say… Unforgiven.

Death…

He grabbed her chin again, sought to look into her eyes, but Hilde could no longer feel, could no longer comprehend, and could no longer see. All that was in her was fear.

Fear.

“What is it that the First saw in you, Liebe?” 29 hissed the name out loud now. “Always, he sought you out. Even in your absence, people hear him swearing out your name.” His fingers travelled to her chin; “It must be because you are so… elusive.” He chuckled. “Flighty, fiery-explosive. A bloody good combination.”

“Bad blood.” Hilde finally whispered out. That was why.

“No, you are pain and pleasure at the same time. I see things more clearly now.” His eyes narrowed as he scrutinized her, seeing the emotionally battered woman before him, with her eyes now filled with a blank glossiness that made him shiver with satisfaction. “You are frightened, aren’t you?”

Hilde no longer replied.

“Of course you are, Liebe. I wonder what he will do to you once he has you back. It seems that he is above physical torture you know, he goes further, deeper, in a more painful way. Yes, you will enjoy that, won’t you 26? You will see, and experience how far he could go. Whatever it was he almost did to you the night you left, he will definitely do it now, and much more. Wouldn’t you like that, little rebel?”

Hilde could no longer take any of it.

No more.

A wet kiss landed on her jaw.

Death…

“Stop!”

A chuckle, “Just a taste of what the First wants, 26. You don’t want more? Of course, how could you, when you would have the First to feast on you later?”

“Please. Stop.”

“Do enlighten me, what would you do to make this all stop?”

Stop…

Hilde closed her eyes.

Death…

And Hilde let go.

~~~

He enjoyed doing this to her.

He hadn’t always been such a sadist. But then it came to a point in his life when such urgings turned on and off at various instances. No one could blame him; anyone from the Base could relate. It was such a satisfying practice, doing to others what other people had once done to you-what you hadn’t wanted done to you. Inflicting the cruelty others had given them the same way was a powerful release. Every single one of them sought such once in a while.

In his case, the desire to hurt was now very prominent.

For the woman before him had been the cause of much cruelty and pain in the Base. Granted, he knew that it had been the First, but that had been a given. They all knew how explosive and powerful the man was. Had she not left, none of the torture should have happened.

Of course, there were other incidents all together which inflicted the same punishments. It hadn’t been just her. The First was temperamental. If seen in a larger scope, the damage 26 had done was not anything new, wasn’t anything to be truly surprised about. The punishments were usual occurrences-they were normal at the Base. But what made this woman so intriguing was how only she, a single person, could incite such anger from the First. It had been decades, so they say, since that had happened. Usually, it was events, foul-ups, and delays which got his anger. Not a single person’s involvement or disappearance.

And that was the ultimate achievement-overcoming what was the impossible. Inflicting revenge on someone who had done something striking. It wasn’t merely a special triumph, though. It gave him the ability to release all the pent up anger within him for all the suffering he had to go through, even before he entered the Base at twelve. He knew he would never rest unless he had released all his anger-whether it involved the suffering and death of others or not.

Yes, sadism had its uses.

“Do enlighten me, what would you do to make this all stop?” He taunted at her, similarly to how they had mocked him. There was no escape now. He was making his way to becoming the perfect fighter. Untouchable, unbreakable.

He laughed delightedly at the prospect. Ultimate triumph… he would overcome the pain. He would rule over all that could hurt him. That was what mattered.

26 didn’t reply; her head remained bowed low, her form lifeless.

His eyes widened in anger. He wanted her begging. He smirked and raised his hand for another hit. She wasn’t to be hurt. Much. “Do something 26. Make it all stop.” He laughed. “If you can.”

And that was when he felt a searing pain on his cheek. A harsh sound echoed in the alley, and before he knew it, he was staggering several steps backward. He covered his cheek. Bloody hell, where in the world did the wench get that much strength? She actually slapped him? His eyes narrowed. Damn it, the rebel was asking for it. 29 turned, “Why you-“

She was gone.

“ Scheisse!” He cursed. So she actually had much of something in her. More exciting. Once he found her, she was going to pay, very slowly…

He loaded his gun.

And his eyes trailed to the wall. Blood.

He smirked.

Traces of 26’s blood lead further into the alley. So she decided to move in. Well, he would follow her. She would never get them off her back. Damn it, the little thing always finds ways to elude us. But that didn’t matter. He would not let her go.

Ha! And it didn’t take much to find her. Only several steps and he already located her. There Hilde Schbeiker was, curled on the floor in pain, her back against the wall. So she couldn’t make it very far, after all. The wound he gave her was effective. That reminded him of something. Shit. He had to get the girl treated soon, or else the injury would become fatal. But he was so mad that she dared defy him…

“Bad, bad…” he hissed at her as he approached her. He lifted the gun and stared at its butt. It would accomplish some desired ends. “You really know how to make me want to hurt you more, don’t you?”

“You’re not taking me back.”

He heard the hissed defence and faltered for a moment. The way her words sounded… slicing, as if filled with such despair that had evolved into anger. Like a command not meant to be broken. Seeking control. He smirked. So she was trying to take that method now. He glared at her figure, hunched to hide her face from him.

“Chit all you want, it will get you nowhere-the end is here. No denial will help you escape it; you can’t. It is over, Liebe. You will now pay. You don’t know how much it pleases me to tell you that.” He growled at her audacity. “It’s your turn this time, you can no longer do anything.” He spat on the ground and locked her right arm in his grip. “Stand up.”

26 didn’t move. She still kept her gaze downcast, her hands firm around herself. “Stop,” she whispered. “Stop.”

And he’d had enough. He yanked her arm upward. “I said, stand up. Verdammt!”

And that was when Hilde raised her eyes to him.

He gasped. Shock coursed through him and kept him immobile.

For if he had seen a darkness to her eyes earlier, that had been nothing compared to what he was seeing now. More than desperation, more than fear-something of such consequence framed her. What he saw was worse than even what he noticed on 30’s eyes when he was dying. It was a soulless look, of someone who had lost all hope, who’d lost sight of all meaning. No, but he had seen something like that before-she was different. More. Worse. It could be the look that his instructor told him to fear; the look that told that the person had nothing to lose, nothing else to fear. A look only to be found on someone who bordered on viewing himself as nothing, and wanting to survive just the same.

His momentary shock gave way to Hilde as he she pulled on his hand to lift her up. Glass shattered somewhere and before he knew it, she had her left hand to him, a broken bottle to his neck. His senses returned immediately.

“Step back.” Her voice had a steely edge to it. “Now.”

The sharp edges pressed against his skin. 29 stepped back.

Hilde took some unstable steps backward, and in his mind 29 cussed at his stupidity. Caught between being impressed and feeling utterly stupefied, he glanced back at her. She had harboured that much strength? With her injuries, that seemed impossible-and yet, the girl slowly gained freedom with every step. His eyes narrowed.

“Go ahead, 26.” He taunted in a bid for control. He gained satisfaction when Hilde paused from her unsteady plight. “Wherever you go, how ever you may hide, we will always follow. And I will always be there to make sure to get you back where you belong.” He grinned at her and tightened his hold on his gun. Only one bullet and the infernal bottle would be gone. “You cannot run all your life. Escape won’t always be an option, I warn you now.”

Hilde’s eyes narrowed at that. As she should. Of course, what could she do? They will never cease searching for her. And he certainly wouldn’t allow her to elude him this time.

But, as if knowing his thoughts, Hilde stepped further away, levelling the bottle at him. “You’re not taking me back.”

He tilted his head at the bottle. “What do you intend to do with that, 26? Stab me? Or probably bleed me to death? You know, using that on me would never, ever change anything.”

At that, Hilde’s eyes shot back to him, and in a moment of bitter weakness, she shook her head and closed her lids. “You think this is for you?”

29 almost dropped his gun. “What…” he whispered incredulously as a sudden realization entered his mind. Was she actually considering-Herrje! Nein! It couldn’t be…

And Hilde gave a embittered laugh. With that, blind tears came, fringing her blue eyes, now tinted grey because of an unnameable emotion, with silver. “You actually think that this is for you?”

She gave a jerked motion backward. “Then maybe, maybe you don’t have any idea what it was like, living the way I did.”

29’s heart started pounding with an intensity of fear that he’d never encountered before. 26’s sudden emotions-the way her pain was expressed before him, it wasn’t what he’d expected. Not like this… not her, looking this way. Not with her wanting something as horrible as-“26…”

“Nein, you stop it!” Hilde raised the bottle in movement made to defend herself, unconsciously leaving a gash on her jaw. It was as if she didn’t notice-she simply pointed the bottle to herself.

“Stop that, 26!” 29 yelled out. Damn it, 29 knew what she was thinking of doing. He had been from Auschwitz-of course he knew! “It’s not damned funny!”

Hilde shook her head once more, holding the weapon nearer. Her eyes narrowed in pain, still surrounded by that disturbing darkness. It was as frightening as it was pitiful. “You are so angry 29, because you had to face every single one of them, had to endure every step of their damn torture. But you will never, ever understand what I went through, growing up.”

29 paused at that, half-panicked because of the bottle, and half-shaken because of her words. What did she mean? He had gone to the Base at twelve, of course he’d seen the worst.

Hilde negated his thoughts with a swift shake of her head. “Then tell me, tell me you understand me. Tell me you know what it feels like to be born into a world that refused to accept you. To be raised simply as a pawn. Tell me you know how to live with being called another’s name all the time-tell me!” She shook her head, and more tears fell. 29 stopped cold in his steps.

“Come now, 29!” Hilde gripped the bottle tighter, choking on her words, showing a despair that unsettled even him. “Do you know what it feels like being forced to play the hellish role of someone you never even met? To be a person and not feel like one! I never knew who I really was. I grew up believing I was nothing. You hear that? Yes, I am nothing!”

29 experienced loss of control. He did not want to hear this, did not want to believe that this person had experienced worse. Did not want to understand. And feel that she did not deserve what he had in plan for her. “Stop it!”

“So you want me to stop now?” Hilde dared him. “But you haven’t heard the rest of it, 29. You tell me you’ve suffered, and maybe you have. But what you experience is not new to me. I’ve suffered physically before. I had to go through their blows and face their fists, but those are nothing compared to what I had to go through with him. Wounds are not permanent, but words are marks that I can never erase. I still hear him in my head at times. Sie sind ein Narr, Heidi; Halten Sie es auf, Heidi; teuerste Heidi… it’s so damn sickening! He made me suffer. But no, it was much more than that-he damned broke me.” Her hand on the bottle shook. “Do you know what it was like, living under his so-called ‘benevolence’ and knowing that I have to pay hell for that someday? The First didn’t even need to kill me, 29. He was slowly making me die each and every day of my damn life!”

29 couldn’t fight the weakening feeling within him any longer. The way 26 spoke… it was too much. It was as if she no longer had hope, as if she truly didn’t find value in herself anymore.

Beshadigt… Damned.

Hilde went on, hiding her eyes with her bangs, “And it didn’t end with that. No, the Fuhrer wouldn’t be content with that.” She gave a shaky breath and looked back at him, her smoky eyes reaching the core of his soul. “He never left me. Even now-“ she choked. “Even now… I tried hiding it-even ignoring all that I was and all that I’ve ever been through. But the damage is done, and I can no longer fix it. No matter how damn hard I tried! I can’t even love anyone without hurting him! Ach du meine Güte, am I that cursed?” Her eyes narrowed weakly at that realization. “Not even to truly live, not even to be happy, not even to achieve my dreams. Do you realize what it’s like, living, knowing you can never get a single of those?”

It was 29 who couldn’t reply this time.

“Tell me!” Hilde pleaded. “Tell me you understand!”

But how could he fully know suffering that was worse than his own?

Hilde shook her head disbelievingly “And you shall not say a thing. Because you don’t know what my life has been. You come here, threatening to bring it all back to me.” She shook her head in renewed fury, in despair. “I will never go back to living that way. He will never touch me again, hear that?” The bottle shook in her fingers once more.

“I won’t let you.” 29 whispered in a vain attempt to grab control.

“I’d rather die,” Hilde whispered brokenly to herself.

29 raised his gun and pointed it at her.

Hilde didn’t react. “Go ahead.” She said softly.

His eyes widened. “You really want to die.”

“Death is better than having to go back to how things were. I would die first before I face the living hell waiting for me back there!” Hilde cried at him. “I am the unforgiven, 29. I have to pay for wrongs I’m not even aware of. But I would rather die than give him the pleasure of hurting me once more. So go ahead, damn it! Or would you want me to do it, myself?”

Death is the only solution.

“You’ll kill yourself?” He asked incredulously, even when he knew all along…

“Yes!” Hilde screamed at him, eyes glittering with more tears. “Do you hear that! I want to… I want to kill myself.”

She closed her eyes her eyes miserably, holding the bottle to herself. Weakly, Hilde leaned on the wall. “I want to kill myself.” She repeated softly, pitifully, as if she was ashamed to have thought, let alone said those words. “I feel so worthless, so undeserving… goodness. I want to kill myself…”

Tears fell from her closed lids as she shook her head disbelievingly. “Mein Gott,” she began whispering. “Es tut mir leid.”

29 shook his head at her helplessly; She doesn’t want to die.

“Oh God forgive me,” Hilde sobbed, pitying and damning herself at the same time. “I never changed. I’m such a coward. Es tut mir wirklich leid.”

The plea bound him to the spot. 29 was no longer sure, no longer so confident. No longer assured.

And still, he also felt as if he was no longer lost. As if he actually understood.

But he was still bound, still not free. He still couldn’t let her go. She had to understand. And it was still too hard… this was more than he’d ever experienced before. He never imagined 26 to be like this, to be as hardened as he was, to be as hurt. And still, he had no freedom to do anything about it. He understood, but he could no longer do anything about it.

Hilde still had the bottle before her; she was lying at her side on the wall. He could still hit the bottle. Granted, its pieces could wound her, but it was better than having her use the bottle to kill herself. He lifted his gun once more.

And he knew that he was going to regret this for the rest of his life.

Suddenly a shot ran out of nowhere, and the gun he was holding was forcefully pushed out of his fingers. What in the world-

Another shot, and the sound of shattering glass caught him. 29 turned and saw Hilde, her eyes wide with anger and disbelief, looking at her bloody fingers. Almost to her side, the bottle lay, now broken to pieces. Their eyes met for a moment, and they both turned towards the entrance of the alley.

A silhouette of a man could be seen from afar. 29 had to squint to see who it was. Damn it, it was so dark in the alley, and the man was a good distance away from them. How could he hit his gun and the bottle with such amazing accuracy? And who was he?

A broken sound caught his attention, and he saw Hilde sinking to her knees as she stared at the figure. “You…” was all that came from her lips.

Finally, the man stood before them. He turned to her with dark eyes. “Hilde.”

“My goodness, Heero.” Hilde whispered shakily. In shame, she tried to hide her face from him, but was bound by his glare. “You’re…”

“I am here.” Was all that he said. “I’ve come for you.”

It was as if those words had awakened her from a deathly sleep, for the lost look in her eyes was suddenly gone. She shook her head, “Why?”

But even 29 no longer needed words. It was seen in the way the man was looking at her. He had heard every damn word; the expression in his gaze told her he knew. And 29 saw it all, how the same pain in Hilde’s eyes was reflected on his. How the same regret and self-pity was understood in his countenance. It was he who was the reason why she hadn’t wanted to die. It was he who came for her.

29 knew. Hilde Schbeiker may have been broken. But she had something else. She had salvation. She had someone who understood. Who was willing to come for her.

There were others who could never achieve such salvation.

He reached for the pistol in his boot. He could not allow this, could not bear what was happening… could not understand what he wanted. But he knew what had to be done.

“Don’t even dare.” That deadly voice stopped him. And he looked up to see dangerously glittering blue eyes narrowed at him, with a gun trained on the same direction. It was then when he realized who the man was.

It was her man, 29 realized. The ‘boy’ that he had found startlingly familiar. He now realized who the person was in full, shocking measure. Heero Yuy. A renowned pilot and assassin who also once worked on an external mission assigned by the Black Star. The only one who escaped.

Damn it all, why now?

And though 29 was bragging about this man’s inferiority to his skills earlier, he knew that in this case, the truth was the opposite. He could die so easily now…

Heero had lifted Hilde by lacing his arm through her waist. 29 watched as she hid her face from him in disgrace. She only winced as the man’s hand strayed to her wound. Heero’s eyes immediately turned murderous as his eyes returned to him.

“She will not die.”

But even from his position, 29 could see Hilde. Despite how she vainly tried to hide her face away, he could see her struggle. Her eyes were half shut, and she was biting her lip in order to keep awake. Her body had now recognized safety, he realized, and was slowly stopping from giving her added strength. Her adrenaline moments were gone, and she was slowly drifting away. “She might.”

“I will kill you first.”

He turned tired eyes to Heero. “That won’t change a thing. And she knows it.”

He deliberately referred to Hilde, and not to Yuy. And the words caused such an effect on the man’s face, fear overtaking anger. “I won’t let her-“

“Do you think I want her to die, Yuy?” 29 grated out. “I would be the one to suffer the consequences-I don’t want her to die.” She deserved more than the pain the Base had prepared for her. She deserved a better life. It was that realization, that truth which bound him and kept him back from doing what he had to do. 29 knew there was no other way. He was going to lose. And he didn’t know whether to be pleased or to be afraid. He took a deep breath and lifted his pistol.

“Are you going to shoot me?” Yuy asked him.

“You.” He pointed towards Hilde. “Her.”

Yuy stiffened before him. “Why?” he asked in a terse voice.

29 took a deep breath. “So that you would defend yourself.”

It seemed as if Yuy knew what he was talking about. “You want me to kill you.”

29 closed his eyes, tried to remain nonchalant… “She had a point. Dying is better than going back to Auschwitz without my mission accomplished.”

Yuy didn’t move, merely stared at him, as if gauging his statement. And 29 expected many things. He expected him to let a bullet lose at him, to hit him, even to go as far as to cuss him. What he didn’t expect was for Yuy to merely lift Hilde in his arms and to turn away from him.

“What?” No. This was his only escape. They just couldn’t leave him there!

He pointed his weapon to them; he could easily hit Heero Yuy behind him and regain his mission. He could still salvage this.

But Yuy spoke. “I really do want to kill you right now.”

He started, “What… Then why-”

“More than that, I want to make you suffer. I want to make you pay. But you’re worth more than that. Killing you would be like killing… her.” His voice betrayed a hint of pain at the word. “They’re not worth destroying your life over. Let her live, and live.”

His pistol fell from his fingers.

Heero turned to Hilde and whispered vague words to her. She merely shook her head at him, an action that caused her face to loll tiredly at his side. In a vain attempt, she tried to hold on to his shirt. “I’m so sorry… Heero.”

And it couldn’t be helped; her half-open eyes shut close after the proclamation.

It won’t be long. She could-

Heero swore, and began to dart off into the night.

And 29 fell to the ground, sobbing. Because he had just witnessed what he’d forced to blind himself to. Because he had realized that he had forgotten to value what mattered most in life. Because in spite of all these, he still felt as if he had no right to choose for himself.

Because he realized that he could live.

~~~

Then maybe, maybe you don’t have any idea what it was like, living the way I did.

Heero stalked down the hall, trying desperately to ignore her voice in his mind. Damn it, he was losing all control. The way her voice had sounded, laced with such disturbing despair, was a memory he knew that he would never forget in his life.

And just a few steps away from him, in the bathroom, she was being handled by someone else. Treated.

She’s going to die, Nicky had said.

Heero took a laboured breath and placed his hands on his knees, struggling to remain on his feet.

Tell me! Tell me you understand!

Kuso!

Driven with such a force, he bolted further towards the bathroom, hoping that the sight of her would lessen the guilt and the heavy darkness that had settled within him. He didn’t even know what to think anymore-

The door opened under his insistent fingertips. Heero gasped painfully.

Her once vibrant dark hair was now limp and dull, looking terribly out of place, splayed against the stark white tiles of the bathroom. Her wrist was frighteningly pale, where bluish veins were prominently seen. Half-naked, he could see how the right side of her abdomen was being treated by Callista. His eyes travelled lower, and he finally took sight of the floor by her side, a pool of blood and some traces of it even farther. Blood…

So much blood…

And finally, he saw Hilde’s face.

She was so deathly pale, with her lids shut weakly. Lifeless lips were half-open, almost colourless. If it weren’t for the barely visible sight of the mere lifting of her chest, she might have been taken for a corpse… And her eyes…

If she opened them now, would he find them looking at him with anger and accusation?

Do you hear that? I want to… I want to kill myself.

Blood, so much blood. At her side… at her feet, globules of it between her legs…

Heero heard a deafening roar in his ear, and it was only when Callista looked up at him with startled emerald eyes that he realized that it was he who was screaming.

“Lad-stop it!”

He shook his head, his breath caught in his throat. He fell against the bathroom wall. “Iie, iie…”

Callista slowly stood, wiping the blood off her fingers. She walked towards him, but he felt too distant to care. But she went on and framed his face with her hands. “Heero, when you were out in the streets with none the lesser an idea of what to do with your friend, you came to me. I told you that she would be in good hands. Lad, I am capable, and I tell you that there is hope. You can trust me. Watching her like this and acting the way you do will not help her.”

Heero closed his eyes, and Callista went on. “She will be alright, if you let me help her. Help yourself, Lad, and rest.”

With that, she gently pushed him away from the room and closed the door. Heero shook his head and laid himself on the door after that. Help himself?

When, in blinding irony, it seemed that it was the only thing he had ever done ever since he met her?

Damn it, how could he have let pass that she was suffering just as much? Why hadn’t he seen the pain she harboured as well? Since when had he been so blind?

With that, Heero struggled to get up, letting himself into his room with unstable steps. And it was only when the door was safely locked behind him that he allowed himself to slide to the floor.

He placed his head on his hands, trying in vain to control the emotions within him.

Vague flashes ran through his mind-running blindly back home, laying her down, and then ordering Nicky to watch her. He had been so unstable that he knew he wouldn’t be enough to help her. Then there was the unfamiliar and all consuming panic. Panic. He didn’t know how he found Callista. He had simply needed someone who could help, someone who could understand and would not threaten to complicate things. And the face of the wise beggar was the only thing that appeared in his mind. And through his reckless journey towards the Department Square, he was lucky to have found her immediately.

“Help me.” Was all that he had said. But a glance at his wide, bloodshot eyes and trembling hands was all that the woman needed. She had nodded at him and without complaint followed him. She claimed to have treated men who brawled by the square and so on. He hoped that she was right.

Goodness, her blood… so much of it…

I want to kill myself.

She had wanted to kill herself-

His Hilde, the one who had stubbornly stood by Duo Maxwell’s side, and had come to him with all her bright smiles, firm beliefs and strong spirit. She who had made him believe in living again, had wanted to kill herself.

Heero could remember with such clarity how she pointed the bottle to her chest, seeing the sharp edges come dangerously near her heart. How she told 29 how cursed her life had been. He never realized…

He had been so preoccupied with their problems and himself that he failed to notice her own difficulties. How could he have neglected her so much? He had never expected her to understand, never believed that she knew what he had been through and suffered as well. Seeing her threatening to take her life…

Because here, within me, I still am nothing.

Her voice… when she had said that, Heero had not understood. He hadn’t seen it as struggling honesty; to him, it had been a blatant hypocrisy. It was Hilde who had taught him acceptance, who had made him accept his feelings and try to embrace his humanity. She had her dreams, and was making him learn to have his as well. It was she who made him face fear and dared him to be happy.

And it was unbearable, knowing that Hilde, herself, couldn’t accept who she really was. She viewed herself as unworthy. It was she who turned against emotions and stayed away from him. It was she who deemed dreams seemingly unreachable. And it was she who feared, and she who deprived him of happiness.

He had been so angry…

But no justifying could make up for how he felt now. It was so unbearable. How he finally came face to face with Hilde’s problems. Seeing the depth of her pain in the alley was more than enough to make him feel this way.

To make him feel responsible for this.

And if she died, he knew whose fault it was.

Oh God, please, no…

Don’t let her die.

And Heero realized that he was praying.

… he was starting to believe.

And at that moment, he knew that if she really would die, he would never make it.

He opened his eyes and stared at his hand, wondering at the strange coolness that had taken hold of it. He stared, half in numb fascination and half in fear, as it glistened brilliantly in the faint colony light. Slowly, he lifted his other hand to touch his cheek. Wet. He traced his hand towards his eyes.

He had once vowed that she wouldn’t be the one to bring long-despised tears to his eyes…

Why? Her voice asked his mind one last time. Why did he come for her? She had wondered… She never knew…

Helpless sobs started racking his frame as he buried himself in the darkness; desperate to make the shadows hide the tears he didn’t want to see.

~~~

“ ‘Ey there kid. Came as soon as ye called me. I’m sorry ‘bout what happened. And pardon me for saying so, but ye look like hell.”

And though Sig expected Heero Yuy to react in a more entertaining manner, he only realized that he couldn’t wait for such a thing when the man before him simply sighed and opened the door further. “Come in, Sig.” He spoke curtly.

Well, there’s yer first open mouth, insert foot incident, Sig kidded to himself as he entered the house, knowing within that it was the time to get serious. Heero had trusted him, going so far as to give him vague snippets of what he was doing earlier this day. He knew how hard it was for the man.

He looked around the house, noting the old wooden structure. The place seemed ancient for a colony home, but there was an air of playful warmth within it, from the way the umbrella stand stood welcomingly in the foyer, to how there was a semblance of misguided position on the main couch. Sig was one for details. Heck, he’d counted all the cracks in his broken down apartment just for the fun of it.

But still, as he looked at Heero’s stiff posture before him, and the way his right hand was clenched into a fist, there was tension. Sig looked back at the living room again and saw the scattered furniture, the drops of blood on the floor.

Blood.

“You know, she’s going ta be a’right kid. The lady said so, and you got to trust her.” He let out in a sudden realization.

But Heero only turned back to him with a smouldering glare, as if his comment was not appreciated. Sig just knew this was because Heero didn’t want anyone noticing how vulnerable he really felt at the moment. And this was just what Sig had done. But the lad needed help, damnit!

Sig met his glare eye to eye… then noticed how the man seemed to struggle within himself. He immediately knew that Heero must be regretting his decision to call him earlier. Sighing, Sig only shook his head and graciously welcomed himself into their dining room, an act that seemed to relieve Heero.

“Why did you call me, Heero?”

Heero sat before him. He really did look miserable, as if half of his life had been taken from him. Like a man on the verge of killing himself. Dark. Sig’s observations were cut off when Heero drew out something from his pocket. “Here, look at this.”

Sig took the object and realized that it consisted of several pieces of paper, all crumpled and folded up. “What is this? Where’d you get them from?”

“Hilde’s room. Callista made me get the bandages. I saw them in her drawer.”

“Heck, a woman’s room! Does she know ye’r taking them?”

Heero gave him a slicing look. “Of course not! Not when she’s damned unconscious! Urusai, just read it, will you?”

“What the bloody spit does that mean?” Sig went on, noticing something.

“Shut up.” Heero was losing his patience.

“Ah, better use that on the gang next time. ‘Bound to make them squirm and think.”

“Kuso, Sig, what are you trying to do here?”

“What does that mean, this time?”

“Kisama.”

Sig finally stopped for Heero’s sake. “D’you ken, kid, that ye look a whole lot better angry than bearing that alone? You don’t need ta hide fer my sake, Heero. You should let that all out.”

Heero heard his words, then grew silent. “Not now, Sig. Let’s leave myself out of this for now. It is her that matters. Just. Read.”

Sig slowly nodded at his words. Too invading… Heero might need some time. Still… He finally shrugged, vowing to himself that he was going to get to the bottom of this soon enough. It was the least he could do. He then opened the first sheet.

Damn chit, found yu at last.

Yu’ve been very bad, mädchen

Yu won’t run for long.

It takes only 1

1

Got yu! Ha HA ha

˜

“A threat.” Sig’s eyes widened. “Ah, the rug rat doesn’t even ken how ta spell.” He muttered dryly, folding the sheet.

Heero suddenly spoke, still not opening his eyes. “She’s been receiving them even when she had been in L2.”

Sig shrugged. “That’s nothing new. You, yerself told me that something was out there, looking for her. Having threats, even when she was in L2-if that was where she came from, I dunno-is nothing new.”

Heero raised a palm to hit the table in an angry motion. “She told me that they were looking for her. Not that they had actually found her.”

Sig kept silent, allowing him to continue. “And I,” Heero finally opened his eyes, revealing to Sig the rage within him, “I foolishly allowed things to take place. I had been so complacent, so unguarded. I allowed us to be so exposed. Every second we had together was actually spent in danger. Someone was following her the first day we saw each other. I was so much better than that. How could I have been so stupid?”

Sig cut him off before he could say more. “If yer gonna say that this is all yer fault, I’m gonna have to disagree and result to fistfights with ye on that.”

Heero met his look squarely. “Then tell me it isn’t. Tell me it’s not my carelessness that got her there, almost dead in that alley. I didn’t protect her enough! We were supposed to be helping each other-why did I even believe that I could-“

Sig grabbed the Heero by his shirt. Any self blame could destroy a person. “Stop it, kid.”

“Iie.” Heero replied, undaunted. He closed his eyes once more and jerked away from him.

“You’re not being yerself, Heero. You better get some rest.” Sig finally let out gently.

Heero shook his head steadily. “It doesn’t matter. What matters is what I called you here for.”

Sig relented for a second. “And what was that for?”

“We need to get her out of here.”

“What?” Sig replied, incredulous.

Heero turned to him, his eyes faintly pleading. “She’s in danger, Sig, and she needs your help. If ever she gets well again-“

“She will get well again.”

“-you can take her anywhere. Anywhere, as long as it’s safe. You told me you could do anything, undetected.”

Sig nodded. “I can do that, Heero. But I don’t understand.”

Heero sighed, on the verge of getting upset again. “What can’t you understand?”

“You’re not going with her?”

A bitter look came over Heero’s face, darkening his disturbed features even more. His eyes glittered with an unnameable expression before he looked away, shielding his vulnerability. Finally, he spoke in a solemn, fevered voice.

“I’m not.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            It was at the unholy hour of four o’clock in the morning when Sigfreud found himself standing before the house where Heero Yuy lived.

            “Och now, McCain. What’s gotten into yer messed up head?” He mumbled to himself, drawing his sweater closer to himself as the intrusive cold seeped through him. He shook his head at himself, however.

            He came here because he saw Tina.

            Sig straightened his clothes and stepped up onto the porch. Yes, he had seen Tina earlier. It was just the simple act of staring at the raven-haired woman as she raised her arms over herself, yawning as she rubbed her eyes to rouse herself from sleep. He had been there in the living room himself, wakened by his thoughts on Heero’s decision of two days ago. And as he watched the slightest movement of the corner of her lips, the adorable sway of her disarrayed her, and the gentle but encompassing way her lids lifted to reveal her handsome grey hazel eyes, he realized something.

            He knocked on the door.

            It took several more tries before Callista opened the door for him. The wizened woman merely nodded at him before letting him in. Huh, he thought, wondering why the woman didn’t even ask him what he was doing there at such an early hour.

            “How’s the girl?”

            Callista gave a small smile, asking for his jacket. “Better. She had been feverish during the first night… Kept on tossing in her sleep. She trembles, Sigfreud, and screams out many a fierce thing. As if…” her eyes narrowed as she hooked the coat. “She was fearing something in her dreams. But now, she’s mellowed down. The fever’s almost gone.”

            “Good.” Sig nodded at that. “And Heero?” He asked hesitantly.

            Callista shook her head. “ The lad has been holding himself well, compared to how he’s been before. Truly, I don’t think the girl would have made it if it weren’t for him.”

            “What do you mean?”

            She moved her head, willing her fiery hair to shade the striking emerald of her distracted eyes, “He has kept a solemn vigil on her. Truly, I am much left out of the room all the time. He is simply there, watching her. It is disturbing, too intense, as if it was he who was feeling the suffering the poor lass had to go through.” Callista shook her head. “It was he who had been there when the girl suffered through her night visions. He had heard every single fear, every painful memory.”

            Her eyes narrowed as she straightened the jacket once more. “I’m sensing it well. It’s not good for him.”

            Sig started at that, broken from his thoughts. “What?”

            Callista sighed, “Self-blame is one of the most destructive weapons used against the self. It is hard to defeat… when one uses it against himself, everything is thrown at risk and there is a very small chance for victory. The boy is standing at the edge of the cliff, my man, and is looking down. I have seen this all happen before.”

            Sig looked down and swore. “That damned idiot.”

            Callista refuse to remark on the expletive, but nodded her agreement. Slowly, she closed her eyes. “We always search for something to blame, we people. Somehow, we see the detection and torment of the one at fault would help make things easier. Foolish, foolish! Can we all not see that there is pain in life, and mistakes are bound to happen? Why further aggravate them? The eye,” she lifted her lids, “should focus on what really is happening and how to make things better again. Ignorance is cowardice and uselessness; and blame is its manifestation. Acceptance is the answer.”

            She stepped away from him. “And one wonders why happiness is so hard to find…”

            Sig merely stared at her with respect, pondering on the small part of what he understood from her profound words. He didn’t know as much as her, but those softly offered words were enough.

            Tina would be up by now, too rambunctious for her 28 years of age. She would try hard to cook once more, and would end up, more or less, with another form of unidentifiable destruction. However disgruntled, she would ask each and every member of their makeshift family to eat it. Reese would thoroughly support her, nodding enthusiastically with every command she gave. Amidst the groans, the spits, and the immediate grabs for water, she would raise her head and look for him…

            Sig needed no other words. He ran up the stairs toward the room.

            … “Where’s Sig?” she would ask. “I made this especially for that big oaf…”

            He only knocked once and opened the door immediately. He did not know how he knew this was the room, but he felt driven by a force…

            The room was as almost pitch black, and was as hot as hell. Sig cussed beneath his breath and strained his eyes to see…

            Heero didn’t even lift his eyes from her as he muttered. “She’ll be waking soon.”

            Sig released his deeply held breath.

            If Heero had seemed so dark, so distant a few days ago, that had been nothing compared to how he looked now. There was a startlingly controlled, yet infinitely intense air to him. Bitter, dark. He was posed on the seat beside the bed, hands laid on the sides of the chair, his stare unwaveringly set on the occupant of the bed.

            Sig sharply glanced at the girl. Hilde’s image was just as worrying. She was pale, so pale that he could still see her features in the dark. Her closed lids were constrained in an expression that revealed how tired she was, and just as well, how frightened she had been. Her breaths were even—a puny comfort—and some of her hair clung to her neck in sweat. Through the blankets encasing her, one hand was revealed at her side, her slim wrist exposing several cuts, the lifelessness accentuated by the lack of colour.

            Sig returned his gaze to Heero, and his eyes narrowed. He had no doubt that those were the same clothes he had seen him wearing two days ago. Damn, hadn’t he even left her for a second? He had no doubt that those hands, now carefully gripping the armrests  of the seat, had been there to tend for Hilde day and night, without a stop. Those limp arms of his had been there to restrain her when she started thrashing in her sleep. Those ears had heard all of her fears, all of the painful memories and all of her pleas. And those eyes, those burning dark eyes, had probably received the worst, seeing her suffer before him and being unable to do anything…

            Sig knew what it had been like, sitting in that chair.

            And what was most startling was how despite Heero’s condition, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. There was no trace of fatigue, no expression of remorse. Only straight, strong, and disturbing determination. He sat there with the calculated grace of a soldier, one so focused, so direct and so prepared. No emotions reeked him. Nothing fazed him. Sigfreud didn’t see the man he knew as Heero Yuy. What he saw in his place was a skilled assassin, a master pilot, someone who was merely there to complete a mission.

            It was frightening.

            “She talks in her sleep,” Heero began in that voice, devoid of all feeling. “She has revealed more about her life than needed, unconsciously. I now know…”

            “What do you know?” Sigfreud finally found his voice.

            Heero looked up at him. “She will wake soon. Will you be there to help her?” His direct gaze was unnerving. It was hard, steely.

            But Sig didn’t falter. “That is not important. Will you be there?”

            Heero narrowed his eyes into a slicing glare. “It doesn’t matter where I will be. As long as she’s safe.”

            Sig ignored this and returned his eyes to Hilde. “You haven’t left her all this time. Why leave now?”

            “That is none of your damn business.”

            The answer was scathing. Sig shrugged and stepped towards the bed. Immediately, Heero’s stance turned slightly protective, and his eyes fell on her as well. An indescribable emotion flashed past his orbs then, but it was gone as soon as it came.

            “Your staying here and making a shameful misery of yourself won’t stop her from suffering, Heero.” Sig began, “And leaving her would, just as well, not make things any better. In truth, it would only make things bloody worse.”

            Heero’s expression didn’t change, although there was a measurable widening of his eyes. “Shut up. And you think that my staying here wouldn’t make things worse? I’ve done nothing but make things more difficult for her, I couldn’t even keep her safe—“

            “So at the first sign of difficulty, you bail out and leave?” Sig shook his head, disgusted. “I expected more from you—“

            Heero suddenly stood from his chair, his eyes now blazing with anger. “Damn you! Kisama, you have no right to say that… You think this is not hard for me? I’m doing this for her—“

            Sig stalked nearer, “And you don’t think that abandoning her would make her miserable?” He half-yelled, his temper almost getting the best of himself. “Are you really doing this for her, Yuy? Or are you doing this for yourself?”

            Heero finally stopped himself. Closing his eyes, he released a deep breath and whispered tiredly. “It’s better this way.”

            Sig couldn’t take it anymore. “Why you damn bloody fool!”

            Even before he, himself knew it, he had dragged Heero out of the room and had slammed him against the wall in the hallway.

            “You don’t deserve her!”

            Heero didn’t even resist. “I never said I did.”

            Sig scowled. “She obviously believed you did. Was she mistaken?”

            The furious glare Heero snapped back to him made him continue. “Tell me, Heero, had the lass ever left you? Even when you seemed so certain that she would? Do you think she ever considered doing the things you’re planning to do now?”

            Heero started at that, apparently struck by memories. Sig could see the makings of a realization appear with the guilt slowly surfacing in Heero’s eyes, and so he went on, “Would you rather have her suffer the way you were scared to suffer if ever she left you?”

            Heero’s jaw was tightened and his fists were clenched as those words hit him. But after several moments of silence, he merely turned weakened eyes to him. “It doesn’t really matter anymore.” He whispered resignedly.

            Sig clenched his jaw. “And so it is.” Finally, he released Heero.

            His words startled the man. And for the first time ever since their confrontation, Heero spoke with hesitation. “What do you mean?”

            Sig stepped away from him. “You better be living up to yer word, Heero.”

            His eyes snapped back to him, now narrowing with a heated emotion. “I don’t understand.”

            “Don’t be doing any thing that would ruin her life once more.” Sig began.

            “What?” Heero scowled, confused.

            “Just as I said, Heero.” Sig sneered. “You should be prepared to face the consequences of yer actions.”

            “I am.” Heero hissed out darkly.

            “Oh really?” Sig raised his brow. “Then don’t ye ever show yer face to her again after this. I personally don’t know the girl, but seeing how things are now, I’d very gladly hit yer face to a bloody pump before I let you touch her. That is for your admirable courage.”

            Heero’s mouth had dropped open at that statement. Sig smirked. He obviously didn’t expect that. “She’ll be crying, you know. Things will be bloody miserable; countless nights wondering what she’d done wrong and all that, but it won’t be that way forever. And when she steps into the arms of another man, don’t you go regretting what you did. Never step in. If she becomes happy, if she decides to forget you, leave her be. And don’t bother finding out how she’s living, or how many kids she’s having, or anything to do with her life at all.”

            “Stop it.” Heero began grating out; his voice was faint.

            “And I don’t care if you have to lay awake each and every night of your miserable life thinking about your decision. I don’t care if you seethe with jealousy whenever you hear about who she’s with and how life has been for her. Heck, I won’t care if you start thinking useless what if’s. I don’t give a damn if life will lose its meaning to you, and all that you’ll be is a half-person, mourning over something you let go. I definitely wouldna’ care if your fears ruin your life for you. Just leave her alone. You lose all right, all ties with her the moment you step out that door and separate yourself from her.” Sig went on, repeating ever single emotion he had gone through before. It stung just to say those words, but he knew he had to… And there, a frightening expression now dwelled in Heero’s eyes. “You will not matter. You will be nothing. Everything you think you’ve had with her will be thrown away—“

            “Yamero!” Heero growled, suddenly clenching his fists into Sig’s shirt. “Shut up!”

            “Live up to your words, Yuy!” Sig yelled back. “Because if you don’t you truly are a damn fool who doesn’t deserve her. You will let… her… go. Even if that means your own misery—“

            Heero’s fist cut off his words.

            “I will never leave her, Sigfreud! I can never leave her. What kind of a person do you think am I? Do you think I can bear the thought of leaving Hilde?” Heero began savagely. “I don’t even know how I will survive a single second without that stupid, obstinate person who, more than anything in the world, changed my life for me. I don’t know what happened, if I had been willing or unwilling—all I know is that she, she matters to me. So damn much. And I don’t know how I can make it through, knowing I hurt her.” Heero revealed in a strangely vulnerable voice. He kept his eyes low as he went on softly, “I’m making her leave me, Sig—because I can’t.”

            Sig wiped the blood that trickled from the side of his mouth.

            “I have been nothing but a damn failure. She’s in there, facing demons in her sleep, because of me. She had to suffer through those wounds because I hadn’t been there.” Heero’s voice was laced with unnameable pain, and his eyes expressed such unnerving despair; shame. “I caused more damage than actually help her. We’re obviously destroying each other. What do you want me to do?” Heero’s voice broke. He then closed his eyes and sighed, muttering tiredly, bitterly. “You don’t know what it’s like.”

            With that, he stepped away from Sig… and turned to walk away.

            “Oh, but I do.” Sig whispered, so faintly that it was almost inaudible. “I do.”

            Heero stopped in his escaping steps. He didn’t turn.

            “You may be wondering what the hell my business is, trying to mend things this way. Spit, I don’t even know the girl personally, but you, you, Heero Yuy—you I know. As I know myself.”

            He leaned on the wall and tilted his face skyward, then closed his eyes. “And I know what it’s like, regretting every moment of your life, just because you let someone go.”

            Heero released a sharp breath.

            Sig raised his head high, as if staring at some unseen horizon. “I knew what it was like to fall in love.” He began, speaking of thoughts that he had never shared with anyone. “I may have been young, aloof, and a tad foolish that time, but I felt it when it hit me. She had not been the perfect Mary Sue we men all dream about, nor had she been a princess of dreams. She was just, her, and that made it special. I guess it was the way her legs looked, or how her eyes seemed to hide many truths. Or maybe, it was the way that she smiled, rarely though she did those days, at me—Och, at me, of all people. Only at me, and how proud I was; it was only to me whom she revealed her beauty. It was so sudden, so unexplainable, but I felt it.” His voice had mellowed down to an affectionately soft brogue. “Before I knew it, I had married her. And yes, Heero, I was happy. Nay, I was happier than ever before in my rotten, spit-down life. Like there was a purpose, or such.”

            Heero, though he kept his distance, gave him a discerning glance. “Reese’s mother.”

            Sig nodded, finally facing him. He closed his eyes. “But many things change, Heero.”

            “Things don’t change, Sigfreud, we do.” Heero suddenly whispered through the haze of thoughts in Sig’s mind. The pain in the man’s voice made him affirm the thought immediately. For it was the truth…

            “Aye, and in this case, it had been I. Might have been because of the bloody war which we, ourselves, also caused. I had caused so much… death, even madness—siding from one side to another, all to make the money I never had as a youngun. What I had done was unforgivable, disgusting even.” Sig paused. “And so, I was… disturbed. I felt, I felt—“

            “Dirty. Undeserving. Someone who can no longer be saved.” Heero’s soft voice completed steadily. Sig heard it when the other also laid himself on the opposite wall. “Exactly.”

            Sig then turned away, lifting his lids to reveal the pain in his eyes. “It was then when I decide to keep Rowena safe. I did not want her seeing the bitter side of me. I had to protect her from being hurt. Oh, many, many things happened. But what I never noticed was that how, in my efforts to protect her from myself, I actually hurt her instead.” His voice cracked once more. “And she had to bear it, suffering every day because of me…” He could no longer go on. “And I only found out when it was too late.”

            Heero no longer spoke. Sig released a sharp breath. Rowena died giving birth to Reese. “I know what it’s like, Heero, watching someone you love suffer before you, and being unable to do anything about it. I know. But there is one thing much worse than that.” He choked. “It is seeing her suffer, and knowing that it had been directly because of you. Not because you failed to protect her, not because you didn’t provide anything for her. But because you didn’t love her enough, when that was all she had needed, and was all that you had wanted to give. She went through misery that hurt much more than the labor that took her life, Heero. And it was all because of me.”

            Sig then grew quiet, unsure of what to say. The memories were too much, his feelings too fragile. He could feel the words sinking in… and suddenly he knew.

            “And I had been through many things since then. Those days were the worse in my life. I felt so… damned. So many sleepless nights, so much blame—you don’t know what it’s like. Regretting every waking day, thinking about what you could have done to make things right. Seeing her suffering face in everything you do. It was horrible… it was a life not worth living.”

            A smile slowly lifted on Sig’s lips. “It was only Reese who got me through those dark times, Heero. I had to live for her—the babysitter wasna’ enough.” He chuckled to himself, thinking of Tina the first time he employed her. “I had made the wrong decision, Heero, and I had lost my chance. But Reese… she seemed like a sign, that somehow, things could be right again, and that maybe, just maybe, I am forgiven. I see Rowena smiling through her, at times. And I still believe, truly, that what we had was, and still is, true.”

            Sig now turned to face Heero. “I won’t make the same mistake again, Heero.”

            Heero, who had his eyes closed, slowly nodded. Sig nodded at the action himself, and with a small smile, went on. “Listen, Heero. Love’s not all its cracked up to be. It isn’t all about falling in love and, say, living happily ever after. It has its traps and thorns…” Where did I get that from? He mumbled to himself in spite of the situation. Sig sighed, feeling a lightness within him already. “The point is, it comes… faulty. There are many wrongs, much fights, anger—and aye, pain. And there will always be mistakes. But what the bloody hell is love without them?” Sig took a deep breath. “Love, it doesn’t come perfect. And ye have to deal with that. It doesn’t need perfect people, nor perfect circumstances, either. Maybe because getting to love is enough perfection…Ye have to take that risk, Heero. Or else, what would be left for ye in life?”

            Sig stepped closer. “Bad things—they come and they go, but what matters is what ye do about it. Trust me. Just make sure ye don’t do the wrong thing.” He sighed and glanced away at another reflection, though. “And when yer in love, it doesn’t consist of you—it also makes up the other person. You can’t go making decisions for the both of you. For how can there be love, whatnot, when the other is not there?” Sig snorted. “Point is, ye have to reach out ta her, let her ken how ye feel, before doing things on yer own. That is the way to work things out. I mean, reach out, mon; don’t do the stupid thing ye’ve been trying to do all along. That is one of the things I’d never, in my whole sodd—“

            Heero finally opened his eyes to him. “I think… I understand, Sig.” He whispered, an wry, but appreciative smile on his lips.

            And there, Sig finally realized all that Heero truly felt. There, watching as the other laid against the wall, eyes trailed on an indistinguishable distance, reflecting on the truths that had opened them, hands on the wall to support himself—Sig saw. The anger, the blame, the fear, now together with hope, with chance, with the willingness to try. And maybe, just maybe, happiness.

            Sig shrugged, glancing at the dried blood on his hand. He had done it. “Think about it, Heero.”

            Heero took a deep breath, then slowly stood up. There was a warm look in his eyes that spoke more than a million “thank you’s” ever could. He nodded at Sig. “I think I will.”

            And with that, he walked away and headed towards the stairs. But just as Sig was about to give a veritable sigh of relief, Heero paused and looked back at him. “I did learn something, you know.”

            Sig started, suddenly confused—and a mite worried. “What was that?”

            There was a mocking look in the younger man’s eyes. “You. You lose your accent when you get upset. Strange thing, isn’t it? I thought it should be the other way around.”

            Sig’s indignant, shocked expression was priceless. “Why ye… I let ye get away with the bloody punch, but if ye want a spittin’ fistfight, I’d…”

            “Go to Tina and practice what you preach by telling the innocent little onna how you feel. And shut up, Sig, I don’t need an answer. You can hit me when you’re done.” The amusement in Heero’s voice told Sig he didn’t completely have the upper hand. He gave him an amazed look and crossed his arms over himself. “Huh.”

            Heero merely chuckled as he descended away from Sig’s sight. Sig smiled; at least, the Heero—the better Heero he knew was back. And there was something else he had to do. He did want to practice what he preached… he only hoped there was still something left of Tina’s bad breakfast of the day to tease her about.

            Callista appeared from the staircase Heero had disappeared in earlier. She was looking down, “My, the boy seems much better now. On my word, that smile was fetching.” She turned to Sig. “Whatever did you say to him?”

            Sig grinned cheekily. “Not much.”

            Callista gave him a knowing look. “Oh really?”

            He shrugged. “After all, when ye put two angst, bitter, temperamental people who had been through the worst in life together, things happen—they’d either go against and kill each other, or join and do the killing together.”

            Callista looked shocked. “I will take that as a jest.”

            It was then when Sig realized something.

            He had talked about love. Yech. But who cared? There was something else—

            Yes, he had talked about love, and related it to Heero. And the man never gave a single complaint.

            Did that actually mean that the lad already realized he was in love with the darn girl already?

            Sig gave a smirk to answer Callista’s statement. “You may.”

~~~

            The sun slowly rose over the horizon, enhancing what was little of Tirrill’s wonderful view. The mists slowly descended, and life slowly awakened. Everything was refreshed, renewed and invigorated with life.

            Everything will start, then, and this peace will slowly disappear, giving way to the chaos of the day, filled with bright hopes, dark anxieties and many events. Life will go on.

            And as Heero stood from beside the lake, staring at the moving ripples from within, he finally nodded and closed his eyes. Then at last, he gave a little smile. The sun’s light reached him from beyond the covering structures, and he opened his eyes.

            Yes, life will go on.

~~~

            And it was then when the light seeped past a window, passing a still-warm chair to lay gently on the pale face of another person.

            And it was then when Hilde Schbeiker opened her eyes.

            And screamed.

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