Give me your hand to hold

‘Cause I can’t stand to love alone

And love alone is not enough to hold us up

We’ve got to touch your robe

So swing your robe down low.

Swing your robe down low.

“Love Alone.” Caedmon’s Call
(A song that transcends the purpose I had it for in this fanfic)

“Have you any definite proof?”

29 shook his head at the image of his commanding officer on the screen before him. “She matches the physical description, and looks strikingly similar to the girl in the picture. I am positive that she understands, and most probably speaks German.”

Gemini shook his head at him. “I want more information.”

29 shrugged at him, “Are you faring any better there in L3?”

The impatient European before him scowled. “No. So don’t let this girl out of your sight. Just make sure that she is the one. It will save us a lot of effort. What else can you say about her?”

Nodding, 29 began with a sly smirk, “She seems pretty. Much more attractive than she looked in all the pictures you showed us.”

Gemini gave a sardonic grin, “So, the chit is beginning to take on her mother’s looks. Heidi turned so many heads in her day. Too bad this girl’s blood is mixed with that of Dietrich Schbeiker.”

29 frowned in confusion, running a hand through his blond hair, “Who in the world is Heidi-“

“None of your bloody business, soldier.” Gemini cut him off tersely. 29 shook his head to hide his irritated expression. The person on the screen had gone through one of his unpredictable moods again. “Of course, sir.”

Gemini closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Very well. Keep watch on the girl. Scare her, if you will… rough her up a bit. We’ll soon know if she really is the person that we are looking for. Anything else?”

The reply 29 gave was nonchalant, “She is with a man.”

The person he was talking to raised his brow. “A man? The First wouldn’t be pleased. It could also make things much more complicated.”

29 shrugged in response. “I thought so. But he wouldn’t bring us much trouble. The girl wouldn’t breathe a single thing about Black Star and her past if she knows what’s good for her. I can get her alone.”

“Make sure of that.”

29 smiled, pleased. He couldn’t wait until he could do what they were best known for - turning others’ lives upside down. Hilde Schbeiker wouldn’t know what hit her. “Of course.”

~~~

Heero Yuy regretted kissing Hilde Schbeiker. He knew that from the moment their lips met. For his impulsive action, if anything, could make or break them.

But he regretted one thing even more. He regretted the fact that more than anything, he took the greatest joy in the experience. That he felt freed when her mouth opened to his and accepted him, that he felt refreshed, renewed-as if he had found his unreachable completeness when she circled her arms around his. Tasting her was like tasting life. Seeing her eyes was like embracing the stars. It was as if a brilliant beacon had shot through the black of his existence. And he regretted that the fact that Hilde felt the same gave him such inexplicable pride, one that enflamed the fragile warmth within his protected core even more. He couldn’t let go. And he regretted needing her even more so.

It was impossible. He had, and would have, many regrets.

But he couldn’t care any longer. He could no longer fear.

Because for one moment, Hilde was his. Alone.

Heero’s breath came in harsh rasps when he finally released her, and he noticed her face. Her eyes were even more brilliant than he had ever seen them, brightened by a light that outshone even the stars above, and her pale skin was flushed with an expressive, vibrant red colour. Her lips, ravaged, were half-open, and she was breathing deeply with him. But those eyes were now intently on his, and he had coloured those adorable cheeks, he knew with true pride, and those lips, those perfect lips had been claimed by him. Him.

For he was also hers this time. Hers alone.

And that was all that mattered.

And for that brief moment, Heero felt something unlike anything he’d ever experienced before. Something strong and prominent, something unforgettable.

Happiness. A happiness so new, so great that it made up for all the destruction he had been through in his life. Heero could choose to go over and over his wretched life again just for this moment. He now discovered purpose, he had found reason. There was something worth living for, after all.

Heero could not, would not regret that.

“Heero,” Hilde began from beneath him, her voice breathless, a bit questioning.

“Quiet, Hilde.” He commanded in a whisper, covering her lips once more with his own. He couldn’t get enough of her. Burying his hand possessively in her hair, he heard her sigh of contentment before she closed her eyes. He then ran experimental fingers over her jaw, causing her to shiver, “Don’t stop.” Heero asked. Not now. He would not allow this to end yet. It was the only thing that mattered in the world at this moment. “Just a while longer,” he urged her desperately. Just this time. With her.

Hilde opened her eyes to him, and when she finally spoke, her voice was choked in an emotional whisper. “I-I understand.” Her fingers rested on his face.

Forget. Be happy. Last.

Heero didn’t need to reply. Instead, he lowered his face to hers once more, now fervently kissing her nose, her lids, trying to touch every part of her face, bringing to mind how she felt, how she whispered his name, and how she would close her eyes. He needed to remember this forever. And he knew Hilde felt it too, she needed him as well-she cared. Someone found him worthy of affection-and it was Hilde. He could never admit it to her, but that was what mattered the most, that it was she and no one else. It was she, all that she was and all that she gave him, all of her that ensnared him… it was she whom he wanted, with all his being. And with that, he knew, with whole certainty, that this was worth remembering, worth holding on to.

Hilde stopped him in his plight, lifting his face above hers to gaze at him. “Your eyes, Heero,” she began, amazed. You’re more beautiful this way.” She raised herself to place kisses on his jaw, and he closed his eyes at the wonderful sensation. “Nein,” she whispered to him. “Open your eyes… I want to remember them.”

Heero started at that. A memory unfolded in his mind then. Expressive eyes were a weakness, disallowed to him, even when he was young. It was the cause of one’s downfall, the way to read into an unarmed man’s soul. It was said to be disgusting to see emotion-filled eyes, it was a disgrace. Never, ever would he reveal who he really was.

Beautiful. Hilde’s eyes were wide with awe, with joy, with life. They told of warm, vibrant emotions, of hope. It was a vision. Was that what she was seeing in him right now? I want to remember them. Beautiful eyes… he was capable of the life he had so wanted.

Filled with an emotion beyond comprehension, he claimed her mouth roughly with his once more, sealing her breath with his lips, trying, for once, to express how he really felt. And it was when he had finally managed to let go of her when he whispered to her ear in an unsteady, hushed voice. “Kirei… iie, Hilde-Koishii… this is beautiful.” He planted tender lips to her ear and started whispering words that only she would hear, playing with her hair as he spoke Japanese thoughts that he couldn’t express in other words.

Hai, no regrets. He could feel. He felt beyond content, so satisfied that he even gained the courage to smile. He was so unbelievably amazed about how this, how overcoming his fears and merely reaching out for her, and then allowing her to touch him for the first time, was worth it all. Heero was so pleased about having gone this far that he even started believing.

What was to dream? To dream the way Hilde did? It wasn’t blinding yourself with foolishness, it wasn’t aiming for impossible things. It wasn’t forcing yourself to go on for nothing. It wasn’t even remotely idealistic. But the real essence of dreaming for her was different. To dream was to hope, to find a way to give meaning to everything in your life, to build something special in a world that didn’t believe in such things anymore. It was to forgive yourself, to try to live. To be. To see the highest point where you can transcend and reach fulfilment… and to gain it, even against all odds. It was to see beyond what others saw; it was the epitome of maturity and innocence. It was to love.

Heero suddenly knew.

And it was stupid, it was quixotic, unbearable, but he was now willing to take the chance. Masaka, he didn’t even know if he could start doing it, let alone living it, but he would try. This, he vowed to himself as Hilde trembled in his arms. Then maybe he could learn to hope, then to find meaning, and cherish what he had, then he could forgive, then live, then grow. Then love.

Heero was going to dream.

~~~

Bliss defined the moments when they let go of everything, when Hilde buried her fingers into Heero’s hair and opened her lips to his gently unyielding ones, feeling his hands clutch at her own locks with passion. For a few seconds, so many words just for Heero came to her mind, but none came out as she gave her all to the sparse time they had with each other. Heero held her tighter and their tender kisses deepened with every touch. No one resisted when one’s hand came to rest on the other to pull them nearer together. Since deep inside they both knew that once they separated, there would be many questions they weren’t prepared to answer, decisions they weren’t ready to make, and consequences that they couldn’t handle.

And maybe the small interlude in time would never cease from their memories. Maybe the passion of the littlest minutes that was evidently apparent in the way Heero tenderly cradled Hilde’s cheek and allowed his fingertips to brush alluringly against her skin would remain in her mind forever, tormenting her eternally. And perhaps, her voice when she sighed out his name was a sound that Heero would never forget. But for that time, nothing mattered. The world didn’t exist anymore, there were only the two of them-nothing and no one else would stop that.

For a moment, they both found fulfilment.

Hilde almost wished that things could actually be.

And suddenly, the night stilled when the two of them slowly separated. Heero’s breath came in harsh rasps as he lifted himself from her, sage blue eyes slowly widening as he looked down at Hilde. Her arms remained around his neck, though she was very much aware that her hands were shaking.

“Hilde…” Heero muttered huskily, eyes never leaving hers as he withdrew his hand from its possessive tangle in her hair.

There was a silent question in his words.

There was also a tinge of fear in his eyes, as if her reaction mattered much to him. To some degree, there was some agitation in them, disturbed anger in fact. Like he knew that he would regret touching her, but that he wouldn’t have taken the moment back for anything. And it was strange, seeing so many tense emotions flicker past those beautifully unguarded eyes. There was no turning back now, Hilde realized, when the question she knew they had both been dreading appeared silently in his orbs. The truth had been revealed, and it stood glaringly before them. What now?

Hilde shook her head as she tried to compose herself, aware that her heart was still beating madly. Goodness, she couldn’t even think well about what should happen. She knew that this was wrong, wrong for many, many reasons that she presently couldn’t recall. But she also felt that it was so… right, like she was filled, that they could take on the world as long as they stayed this way. She lowered her hand onto Heero’s cheek, and for a moment, he relaxed, closing his eyes as he leaned in to her palm. And with that, Hilde wondered if he felt the same way.

But who knew this was going to happen? Hilde still felt that this was all a silly dream that she so hoped would come true. Yes, deep inside, she had to admit that in one or more ways, she had wanted this to happen. Hilde was aware of her growing feelings for the man before her. But never had she imagined that his feelings ran just as deeply. Yet his lips and his eyes, his tenderness had just thoroughly proven that. And till now, she still felt that wonderment at the revelation. As well as the extreme happiness.

Extreme, boundless happiness. Like a breath of fresh air into her tied up, frustrated life. A new chance, filling her with bright, charged hopes. She was revitalized, fulfilled. It felt like a dream within her reach. And with it, she knew that she could face tomorrow with a smile. Yes, Hilde acknowledged painstakingly, all in a single kiss.

Yet, will it last?

“Heero,” she whispered, tracing his jaw tenderly to ease the tension that had set in there. He was getting impatient, understandably so, for he was beginning to worry. Hilde sighed at the thought, she discovered that much at the feel of his jaw. That enough blatantly told her about how much she really felt for him.

Hilde took a deep breath. Something could begin this night, something that, no matter how she tried to deny it, was what they had both wanted, no, needed for a very long time. And at the same time, this could all end, for they both knew that no matter how meaningful it was, it wasn’t right. It could also mean the end of their good relationship. And it all depended on her. Heero had made his decision; he was willing to give, and he feared no longer.

Hilde smiled him softly, glad with his empathy. The she closed her eyes. She wasn’t sure about what she was going to say, or how she was going to say it. She was only sure about how she felt at the moment and how she knew, still deep within, that she wanted to feel the same thing with him. Forever, if I could… if I only could. And now, she realized that the only thing she could give was her honesty.

Hilde knew that she couldn’t let such a thing with Heero go. Even if she had been in her most sensible state, she would still want to keep this with him. This was her Heero. The man whom she had taken in roughly a month ago, never expecting that he would end up the one helping her. He could be harsher than the strongest of storms, firmer than any man, stronger than any soldier, and very detached. But at the same time, he could be the gentlest, most mystifying, considerate and supportive person she had ever met. He was as handsome as he was intimidating, as fearless as he was kind. And throughout all these contradictions, she ended up falling for him, to some unexplainable degree that grew with every moment they spent together. She felt so much for him. If only what they had was possible… then maybe… maybe… it would have been wonderful. And so much more.

Hilde raised her lids. She could not deny what she felt for Heero now. She was falling fast, and no matter how she denied it, she now realized that she had been helpless against her feelings for him. Helpless from the start.

But Hilde knew that even though the damage had been made, she could still rectify it. She didn’t want to be unfair to Heero, or to anyone else. Saying yes to him would be wrong.

And yet, even with this, Hilde still could not say ‘no,’ could not stop herself from falling.

She turned confused eyes to him; “You make me want to say yes so badly.”

Heero’s eyes had now taken a passionate glitter, “Then, why don’t you?”

But before Hilde could reply, Heero already rose up. Her eyes widened as he lifted himself and stepped away from her. He took a deep breath, as if readying himself for something, then turned his back to her. Hilde’s heart surged at the vision of him before her, capable of leaving. Distance could easily bury what they had both just shared. No.

Hilde shook her head and stood up, intent on following him. “Heero-“

He suddenly spoke to her, his voice, though whispered, was as strong as ever. “Look up.”

And she followed his vision back to her stars. The jewels which symbolized her dreams. Hilde’s eyes widened, suddenly on the onset of a yet unnameable realization. But she did understand something clear, though. She wasn’t the only one gazing at the stars now.

“I don’t know what to say,” Heero began, his back still turned to her as he lifted his head to the same direction, “If I even have the right to say them. But I do know this much,” he paused, taking a deep breath. “That I have never-“

Hilde took a step forward as his voice fell into an even deeper, fevered tone. His back straightened as he went on, “That I have never asked for anything I ever needed or wanted from anyone. That I never wanted anything so much. That I never even dared to try.” He tilted his head sideways, away from her.

“You think this is wrong.” Heero went on. “Impossible, dangerous. Dishonest, ironic. You might not have expected it. There’s still too much complication in your life now. You don’t want this.” Hilde started at his words, spoken harshly, accurately.

She reached a hand towards his back, holding on despite the stiffness she was accosted with. “You are right.” She took a deep breath and began, shaking her other hand to emphasize her point. “This… this wasn’t supposed to happen. I thought I could deal with it, that I could stop it in time. But I feel it here, Heero.” She shook her head. “I’m not supposed to be… doing this-feeling this. But…”

“Can you stop it?” Heero asked quietly.

Hilde closed her eyes and shook her head from behind him. “I don’t know.” She sighed, then, without caring anymore for precaution, wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face into his back to hide it. “But you know what? The way I see things now, things have become different, especially the way things are with you. Even though you could be such a bull-headed jerk at times, when I see your face, when I hear your voice, I feel like I can let go of everything. I may not know,” she confided, aware of the shameless blush on her face. “But I know that deep inside, I don’t want to.”

“You… do not want to.” Heero repeated, his voice now breathless. Slowly, his hand covered both of her from before him. Then he gazed upwards. “And I’m looking at the stars.”

Her voice was frighteningly hesitant. “Do you want to stop?”

“No.”

Silence.

Whispers from within rose. Warnings struggled for dominance once more, and battles were waged inside. Memories danced fleetingly and questions were asked. Doubts were prominent. But most of all, feelings… feelings were felt.

You can still love…

…Make me do stupid things… for you…

Don’t let me go…

Never.

I don’t want you to leave.

I’m not leaving you.

I was hoping it would be that.

I wanted to see you smile.

“Hilde…” Was all that came out from his lips.

Hilde looked up at him, broken from her thoughts. “Yes?”

“Say it. That is all that I ask from you. Say it... let me try.”

Hilde’s eyes widened, “Say what?”

And now, Heero turned to her, his hands settling firmly on her shoulders as his eyes conveyed the inexplicable emotions within him. He crushed her to him before he revealed to her ear in a thick voice,

“Say yes.”

His voice was so soft, so tender. And in that, she knew. He was willing to have her, for all that she was. He was going to take that risk for her. He was willing to try now. To live. To make a dream.

And that alone was enough.

Hilde shook her head at the tears that phrase tried to bring to her eyes and stared up at Heero. And as his hand crept up to fit hers with it, softly, she whispered,

“Ja.”

And light had filled Heero’s eyes at her softly-spoken proclamation. Slowly, tension eased away from him, and ease and anticipation took its place. A lively flushed colour spread delicately on his handsome features. There was enlightenment within her as she noticed how he now stared back at her… no more doubts, for there was now a reason. There was now new hope. Faith even. Joy. Hilde struggled in vain to keep the tears from her eyes this time, aware of her heightened emotionality, but all was forgotten when Heero traced his fingers over her lips, giving a ragged breath as he whispered her name.

Follow your dreams.

And this time, when they kissed, there were no more words.

~~~

Duo Maxwell silently walked back to his temporary quarters in the Preventers’ Base, seeking the comfort of much needed sleep. The organization was all in a flurry, frantic to assemble units in case of another war; the Gundam pilots had done their parts as well. He had been training in the use of his Gundam by simulation, and it wouldn’t be soon until he could take it out for real. He couldn’t wait to do it, for the Phoebus was the sole thing that took his attention from their problems these days. It was not the Deathscythe but it helped him just as well.

They may have been advancing when it came to artillery, but when it came to the knowledge of the enemy, the Preventers’ hands were empty.

Damn.

Another war, another stupid war. Why couldn’t these people all just up and go? When would he finally get to rest? It was an endless cycle, and before anyone knew it, they would all be facing death once more. But this was more risky. They had no information about the enemy and what they will be doing next, nor did they know its actual purpose. Aside from that, they had to familiarize themselves with new weapons, and they were one pilot short.

And that pilot might as well have been working with the enemy.

Duo sighed at the negative trail of his thoughts and ran a hand through his bangs, trying to sooth the tension he was feeling. Damn it all, he wasn’t used to feeling this negative.

And through all this, he still had no idea where his Hilde was.

He started muttering colourful phrases under his breath to release the apprehension within him. If anything happened to her, he would never forgive himself. He knew that Hilde had problems with her past, but had never pressured her into revealing what she wasn’t willing to tell. But, damn it, if she had anything important to tell him, she darn should have!

And now he was worried, too anxious about her whereabouts. Didn’t she know that she could tell him about whatever it was that bothered her? That he would do everything in his right to help her? They had been together for years, what could be so bad that it could drive her to leave them? Not just them, damn it, him! She knew that he cared, that he would bloody well go to hell and back for her if she needed him to. She knew that he needed her, no, that he bloody well loved her, even if didn’t say it all that much. She knew!

Duo released a deep breath and tried to calm himself. But the reality was still there: Hilde was nowhere to be found and he didn’t know where to look for her. She could be more stubborn than the rest of the Sweepers combined when she wanted to, and when she didn’t want to be found, she wouldn’t be. But why the bloody hell did she have to hide from him?

He typed in his entry code to open the door to his room, tossing his jacket into the closet after he did so. His vid-com was beeping, indicating a well-timed call. Frowning, he strode purposely towards the side of the bed and flicked on the activator. “Hello?”

“Hey there, boy!” Howard’s annoyingly hopeful face appeared on the screen and Duo scowled. “Do you have any idea what time it is, Old Man?”

The goatee sporting elder nodded cheerfully, “A good eight-thirty in the evening for you, not too early and not too late. We’ve been trying to contact you all day… But now that I think about it, you look like you’ve been run over by all five Gundams. Dang it boy, what in the world happened?”

Duo glared at him heatedly, “Black Star happened.”

Before Howard could speak, a muscular hand yanked him off the screen and Lot, a fellow Sweeper, moved before him. “Hey there, kid. Nice seeing ya, though I can’t imagine you being that busy and all that.”

Duo finally gave a lazy smile, amused by his words. Lot had been with them for years. The warm middle-aged man was the only one who was able to put up with Duo’s pranks and endless humour. “‘Evening, Scot. Why do you guys so conveniently want to talk to me at this hour?”

Lot glanced at his watch, “It’s only eight-thirty, your time, kid-“

“Not the bloody point.”

The choice of words brought a worried light to Lot’s brilliant blue-green eyes. They had all learned to use the word as an expression when Hilde started using it whenever she was upset. Duo’s eyes widened as Lot’s expression revealed their purpose for calling him.

“Have you found her?”

Slowly, silently, Duo shook his head. Minutes of dull silence passed between them, roughly pushing them both deep in thought. Finally, Lot sighed. “I’m sorry.”

Duo placed a hand on his forehead, frustrated. “I know. It’s just that I can’t find the time to look for her, what with all the training and briefings we have to go through. How about you? Any luck?”

Lot shook his head dejectedly. “I’m quite sure that the girl wouldn’t go back to Earth. She fears it too much, though I never understood why. But we still have no idea where she went. The colonies are very large places. It’s easy to hide, hard to seek.”

Duo gave him a fierce look. “Do you think she’s hiding from us?”

Howard joined the other man at Duo’s deathly serious question. “What do you think? You should know.”

Duo bristled at the question. “No. That’s impossible. She can’t be hiding from me.”

The sudden change in words immediately indicated the personal effect of the incident on Duo and emphasized the depth of their relationship - and his doubts. “No, of course not,” Howard assured him in a rare display of seriousness. “But we do believe that she’s hiding from something.”

Duo reflected at their words. Hilde’s unusual behaviour on the weeks prior to her departure indicated as much. Closing his eyes to hide the worry he was obviously displaying in them, he nodded. “That’s… true.”

The two men, now noticing the extent of Duo’s exhaustion, nodded to each other and spoke. “We’ll talk soon kid. You better get your rest and stop worrying about her. You have many things to do. Don’t worry though, we won’t stop in our search. We’ll have our girl back and safe in no time.”

When Duo opened his eyes, the two had already ended the phone call, leaving a blank screen. Duo took a deep breath and decided to do as they had ordered, but when he began to rise, he noticed the blinking light in the console, indicating a recorded message. Not bothering to hide his exasperation, Duo activated the next message.

The screen blinked to life once more, and Lady Une’s face appeared in the general call. “Good evening to all of you. I just called to inform all of those concerned on a new discovery about the potential threat, Black Star. Though this information may deem useless to some, we are hoping to find other leads to our opponents with this. We have here the official insignia of the Black Star. Familiarize yourself with it for future use. If you find that you have seen the mark before, contact me as soon as possible. Thank you.”

An image of a black star filled the screen. Duo suddenly squinted, a recollection of the image tugging at the corners of his mind. Upon further inspection, he noticed that the lower right region of the star sported a darker circle, and that a gold colouring bordered it above. His heart started pounding madly, the answer to the puzzle before him hovering painstakingly near his grasp. He knew the mark… he’d seen it before… on pale skin…

“You have a tattoo?” Duo asked incredulously as he noticed the mark on her back. Panic immediately flashed through her eyes. It was as if the observation brought out many unpleasant memories. Hilde turned away, hiding her face, and the sign from him. “It’s n-nothing. I mean, it doesn’t really matter-it’s just a silly mark. A mistake.”

Duo lurched forward from his seat, heaving deep breaths as he stood up.

Hilde.

Black Star.

She had left him more than a month ago, a day before the call for defence against the Black Star. She was hiding from something. And she was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, things made more sense.

Shit.

Duo grabbed the console and started entering Lady Une’s number. They should bloody well start acting now; the woman he loved was in danger.

~~~

He saw them even before they knew he was there.

“You should have brought your jacket.”

Nicky crouched low at the gate at the end of the fence, his Amazing Super Pilots forgotten at his side as he waited for Hilde and Heero to arrive at his point. He had waited all afternoon for them to arrive. It would be great to surprise the wits out of them now. It was something the boy hadn’t tried yet.

“I know.” Hilde’s voice had teasing warmth within it.

“You’re cold.” Heero announced pointedly, his voice a bit mocking. Nicky peeked just in time to watch a small, affectionate smile grace the once stubbornly stoic’s man face. And even through the darkness, he saw the changes in Heero. His eyes were nicer than usual, warmer, like he suddenly became younger, Nicky appropriated, since that was the term the boy’s mother used when they saw similar expressions on TV. It was then when the boy noticed how Hilde was holding his hand. Nicky immediately hid back.

“I know.” She answered lightly once more.

“Hai.”

Laughter. “I’m in no danger yet, sir. I assure you, I’ve been through much worse.”

Wait! Holding hands? Nicky looked back.

Hilde had released Heero’s hand and was using her own ones to help convey her message. “Besides,” she pointed at him, “You were the one who was sick, not me. You should have brought yours.”

She had been walking ahead of him at that point. But all that Heero did as a response was to mutter an expressive “Hn,” and to reach out a hand to suddenly pull Hilde nearer, an act that not even Nicky could let pass. What?

His arms were around her shoulders, holding her nearer, like he owned her, and was proud of it. But despite this suddenly mature observation, Nicky also realized that Heero didn’t care about what others were thinking, for his eyes were only on Hilde. Laughing eyes. On her, alone.

Nicky brightened, so his predictions about the silly chrysanthemum that made Mr. Heero grumpy were actually true! Heero cared for her, even though he kept on trying to hide it. Hilde also had a crush on him, because she seemed happier whenever he was around. She was also looking at him the same way he looked at her.

Hilde suddenly had a mischievous look in her eyes, “And I tell you, if ever you get sick on me like that again, I will make you bake!”

Heero noticeably paled several shades at that. Nicky almost laughed.

Meanwhile, Heero was enjoying their usual bantering session more than he expected to. It just felt natural, so right, to be speaking so freely, so lightly once more, like they had no problems in the world, after sharing such an important moment earlier. A sudden chill caused their early retirement, and though they began their trip back home in contemplative silence, a playful nudge from the German started another repartee for them. He obliged her, of course; he enjoyed sparring verbally with the girl, and defeating her, then seeing her blush like crazy, or pout irresistibly… Baka. He shook his head. It wasn’t only that, doing so made him feel more normal, more assured, pleased.

Of course, being forced to cook was a serious issue. Or Bake, shimatta, whatever.

“You talk too much.”

A triumphant smile flitted across Hilde’s face. She thought he’d already conceded, Heero realized with a scowl. Never. “I know,” she answered once more. The minx just knew when to pull the right strings. Even by just repeating the same darned words.

“What are you going to do about it?” she went on, her eyebrow raising.

Of course.

Heero suddenly tightened his hold on her, catching her by surprise as he tilted her chin upward. There goes that blush again. He just felt so damn arrogant whenever he witnessed it. Heero took a deep breath as he traced her jaw line with his thumb. Hilde’s eyes were narrowing, and he was tempted just to show her how easily she could melt against him. But he simply delivered the answer that he knew would set off her temper, but was the truth. “Nothing, absolutely nothing.”

And with that, he released Hilde altogether and continued walking in their direction. The girl started sputtering embarrassedly from behind him, and he smirked. The once biting chill of the night became a comfortable breeze all of a sudden, and the lights that danced in Hilde’s eyes despite the darkness made the milieu brim with warmth. Masaka, it felt so good, doing this. Not caring about the pain, not hiding, just doing what he wanted to do… knowing that she cared, that she also wanted this…

“That’s just it?-“

So free, something he never dared feel before. To laugh, to feel…

“That, Heero Yuy, is inexcusably the most pathetic, lamest, most lacking, wishy-washy, dumm answer I’ve ever-“

And he whirled around and grabbed Hilde, hauling her and trapping her between him and the fence even before she had the chance to yelp out another German expletive. That was the advantage, Heero knew with pleasure, of being good at what you’re doing. He stared mockingly at her flustered expression, smiling at her indignation. “You were saying?” He whispered, his fingers touching her neck.

“That-this is unfair,” his fingers explored behind her neck, and he delighted in the softness silently. “Stop that,” she groaned out. “That was unfair and,” Heero buried his fingers in her hair, “y-you know it.”

“Hmm.”

“Yuy!” She gasped out as his thumb grazed her ear. “Can’t think… Stop that…” Hilde grabbed his hand and laughed, pushing the hand to a safe distance from her face. “Ha!”

Heero shook his head and grabbed her hand instead, putting it down as he pushed nearer to her. She smiled back, giggling tentatively as she met his face bravely. “What can you say now?”

Yes, Hilde affirmed in her mind, what would he say now? The idiot had a smirk (darn her, a handsome smirk) on his face right now, and she wanted nothing more than to wipe it off his face. If only he didn’t distract her as much… made her feel giddy and deliriously pleased, then maybe she could easily accomplish that.

But now, she could only revel in this moment, in seeing him smile, in feeling, just this once, that all was right in the world. That it was just them and no one else, that what they were doing was right. That it could last forever.

Hilde was jolted from her thoughts when Heero suddenly buried his face in her neck, eliciting a surprised sound from her. Her arms went around him when he started clutching her, and silence overcame them. He seemed to be thinking her thoughts as well. Hilde nodded and closed her eyes. I know. Then she tightened her hold on him in assurance.

They remained in that vulnerable state for several more moments. Held in an intimate moment in the darkness, reviving themselves each other’s presence. Nothing else mattered for now. Hilde knew that they both needed it.

“Don’t stop.”

Hilde’s eyes shot open. What?

Heero lifted his head and faced her, his expression now fronted by that darn teasing (even more handsome) smile. Well, he was certainly very recovered. He shook his head at her and tugged on her hair good-naturedly, “My answer to your question.” He clarified.

“Your answer… to my question…” Hilde comprehended dumbly.

“My pathetic, lame, wishy-washy, dumm answer to your question,” Heero repeated for her. Hilde’s eyes widened at that, and she waited in anticipation. “Is?”

He lowered his face to hers. “Keep talking. To me.”

Hilde’s breath stopped, and her eyes touched his.

Her last thought before their lips met was, darn this was a conspiracy, the man just knew how to make her melt… and she was falling even more deeply, dangerously…

“Hilde die Größe!”

They both jumped.

Yikes! Auch-

Shimatta.

Yuck, cooties.

Hilde laughed nervously and gave Heero a naughty wink before pushing him off her. The man complied with a sigh, but followed it with a teasing look, speculating on how she was going to face the child. Hilde shook her head and shook her shoulders confidently in a gesture that blatantly stated, ‘Watch me,’ of course, away from Nicky, then smiled and faced the child before Heero had the chance to grab her.

“Hey there Nicky,” Hilde greeted a bit too breathlessly and in a voice that was higher in pitch than usual. Nicky crumpled his face at her, and she grinned affectionately. “You got us there, you prankster. And I know, I heard that. Just keep calling me that and I promise you, you will forever be on my good side. Hey, I might even help you find a real girlfriend one day.”

Nicky nodded proudly, pounding his palm to his chest. His accomplishment had been noticed. “I’m good, ain’t I?”

Hilde nodded smugly, holding the same accomplished look in her eyes. “Of course.”

Heero simply turned questioning eyes to Hilde. She shrugged, a deceivingly innocent look on her face as she explained. “Hilde die Größe. It means ‘Hilde the Great.’”

Heero rolled his eyes at her and she winked at him. “I have me pride, ye know?” she repeated in that German way of hers, reminding Heero of the night when she irritated the heck out of him with her little revenge stunt. A possibility rose in his mind. Maybe everything really began there, that night; maybe even earlier, when he first saw her on the alley, staring incredulously at him despite the heavy rain that surrounded them.

“‘Forever on your good side’?’ Heero went on. But Hilde deliberately ignored the taunt in that remark. If Heero started giving her names or endearments, she didn’t know what she would do. Melt in his arms, probably, and that was just too much embarrassment for a girl with her pride.

Nicky, meanwhile, didn’t like all the lack of attention on him, and the apparent intimacy that left him at ignorance. He stomped his foot. “You both look like you’ve been given a surprise present or something. Like a new puppy.” He relayed his observation, brilliant blue eyes watching the two of them curiously.

On his hand was a toy plane replete with small figurines. Hilde pursed her lips as Nicky’s amazing super pilots suddenly became the most interesting things in the world.

Heero’s voice was wry when he answered Nicky, “A surprise present, ne?” Hilde blushed even more, feeling the question thrown to her. When she looked up, she saw his eyes on her, a mocking, amused look in them. She almost stuck her tongue out at him. But that meant losing. “I prefer rabbits. They don’t bite. And they have red eyes.”

Heero smirked. “Red eyes, apples and berets.”

“Don’t even start.” Hilde warned, now letting go of her inhibitions to stick her tongue out and wave a fist at his face. “I don’t have an obsession for spandex.”

That was a very, very, nice one.

“Baka, it’s been a long time since I last wore them.” Heero glared at her despite their light-hearted humour. Hilde shook her head at him and gave him a radiant smile, noticing the adorable flush that had settled on his cheeks. But before she turned to Nicky, who now looked impatient due to the lack of attention given to him, she turned to whisper assuredly, “Don’t worry, I always thought you looked hot in them.”

She had the pleasure of seeing his blush grow before turning her eyes back on Nicky. A thought suddenly came to her, and she knelt before him. “But what are you doing out here this late?” Hilde asked him, concern in her voice. “You should be inside. Don’t you know how dangerous it is during these hours? Especially,” she paused to tug on the child’s chocolate locks, “for cute little guys like you?”

Nicky’s smile grew, but he obliged them with an explanation. “I was waiting for you. I’ve got your umbrella here.”

At the mention of the umbrella, Hilde and Heero’s gazes met, and Hilde simply smiled to dismiss thoughts of the troubles the lack of the umbrella caused them. Heero stepped behind her and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, Never again he seemed to promise.

Hilde nodded, then looked back to Nicky, “I see. Well, maybe we should go get it now.”

Nicky nodded at that. “Where were you two, anyway? What were you doing?”

Heero’s clearing of the throat and the amused choke he repressed did nothing to help Hilde make a creative explanation. She decided against rambling and smiled at Heero knowingly before she turned back to Nicky. “We were watching the stars, Nicky.”

Soon, Nicky was left on the porch of his house, waving enthusiastically as Hilde saluted him from across the yard. He watched the two of them as they returned to their own house, taking all the time in the world to do so. They hadn’t even arrived at their destination when they began to hold each other again. Gross, Nicky thought, Cooties, for he was a child who, amazingly, liked pretty girls, just not the thought of kissing them.

Suddenly, a creepy feeling went over him, like the ones he had whenever he watched scary movies when Mama and Papa weren’t around. The child gave a quick look around the yard, was a bad guy watching him? It felt weird.

Nicky simply shrugged and dashed back towards his house, forgetting those disturbing thoughts. He felt even happier about himself now, for he had been right about Mr. Heero and Hilde. Clearly, his predictions to Mr. Heero came true. The magic trick with the flower did work: the two of them were together. He didn’t need his super pilots now for he had a new mission: he was going to be a magician.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So she was walking in the clouds.

Hilde snorted, okay, so that was an understatement. So she was out here, in their yard at six am, hanging their clothes to dry. So the dang washing machine Heero had repaired twice already was broken again, and she had to do the laundry so early in the morning. So she was up so early because she couldn’t sleep any longer.

It didn’t matter.

So she was ecstatic beyond words. So she was happy, excited, anticipating. So she knew that she was falling, fast. She knew that the world couldn’t be more perfect. Hilde gazed at the eagerly extending rays of the sun that lightened the free side of their horizon. Yes, she was greeting this day with a smile, with the joy that she had terribly lacked for the past few months. So she felt reborn.

Yes, she was happy. Yes, she was falling in love.

Hilde sighed, closing her eyes dreamily as she unknowingly clutched the bed sheet she was hanging nearer to herself. She had never, ever expected to be in this predicament right now. And she didn’t regret it. No-never, not one thing about it.

Not the earth-shattering kiss they had shared under the stars. Not the way she heard him say her name. Not how his arms felt when he wrapped them around her waist. Not every single word he had uttered to her, from the hesitant, passionate confessions he gave her at the beginning of their nocturnal trip, to how he asked her to say yes to him.

Not the way she was feeling right now.

I could stay like this forever, Hilde admitted to herself again, realizing how much the event had changed her. With what they had, she could forget all other things to be feared. She could forget that she was in danger, that, heck, everyone was in danger. She could face anything.

Hilde gave a small laugh as she remembered something, even burnt lasagne.

Last night had been wonderful. Hilde grinned to herself and recalled the other night’s events as she headed to the porch to seek out another rug. It was hilarious, even. From the way they both stumbled within the house, with her trying to get him to cook (okay, so he caught her when he mocked that she was still mourning over the lost game of ‘I’ve Never’), to the way they ended the night, reading together in the living room, book soon forgotten.

It started when they both entered the house, with her looking for the darn umbrella stand that had suddenly disappeared. She knew that she had moved it, but really couldn’t recall where. It was then when Heero pointed out the exact location of the stand, by the doorway to the living room. And she, pleased as ever, remarked that he was beginning to know their house better than she did.

That caught him off guard, so it seemed-for reasons Hilde could only guess about. Soldiers never had homes, and she knew that for a fact. But it was the truth; this old wooden house became their home. She herself never expected that it would be; it was simply an old residence that belonged to her Instructor’s anonymous connection. A place to run to… and hide in. And yes, it had become a place to return to but now, it was so much more than that. It had become a structure with warmth; she was getting attached to the place already as it is. Then there was the great neighbourhood, with Nicky and the others who accepted them as they were. But the most important thing of all was that the two of them, first wary, hostile strangers had made the place ‘home,’ together. Maybe that was what caused him to make a sudden grab for her, even before she was able to locate the missing stand.

He had placed his arms around her waist, the same way she had earlier that evening, and had drawn her nearer. There was a softness to his voice that reached her when he whispered gratefully, “Thank you.”

Hilde released her breath at those two emotion-filled words, and she nodded, closing her eyes. “You don’t have to thank me,” she said finally as she opened her eyes. She grabbed his hand and placed a kiss on it. And with that, Heero turned her to face him instead. “Don’t you think it should go the other way around?” she asked him in a hushed voice.

He had simply held on tighter. Then he spoke, using his native Japanese again, telling her words that she couldn’t understand. Words that were so full of emotion, words that he wasn’t ready to make her comprehend yet. And that, at least, Hilde understood, as she buried her face onto his shoulder and heard the slight catch in his voice as more emotion lined his words. It was beautiful hearing Heero like that. No other proclamation seemed more sufficient.

And soon, feeling the need to go back to the world, she raised her eyes and smiled at him. “So this is how you feel whenever I start ranting in German.” These emotional interludes were suddenly getting usual, she noted to herself. But that didn’t matter, because truly, it was a sign that Heero Yuy was finally opening up to what he really felt, and even more important than that, he was also gaining the ability to express himself.

His eyes glinted mischievously as he loosened his hold on her. “Hilde, I try not to think about what you mean.”

“Huh?” She raised her brow, confused.

“Calling me ‘Hund,’ ‘Fesch,’ ‘Schweine,’ ‘Dummkopf’ and adding Verflucht…”

“I said those?” Hilde asked incredulously, blushing to the tips of her ears.

Heero nodded, laughter in his eyes, as he continued, “-With ‘Hitler’ all of the time isn’t really… making me curious about their meanings.”

Hilde gave him a sheepish grin, “You weren’t… cursing me earlier, were you?”

Heero leaned closer, trapping her between him and the wall as he lowered his face closer to hers. “The truth is, Hilde-sama, I was thinking about…” he paused thoughtfully. “Something else.”

“I heard that,” she protested weakly when he tilted her head upward. She didn’t know what the suffix meant, but she knew that adding that to a name meant that the person was someone to be feared and respected. Darn it, she wasn’t some overpowering, temperamental dominatrix! And the way he was rubbing his thumb over her jaw was distracting her-“Heero, not. Until. We. Cook.”

“Hilde die Größe.” He whispered teasingly, and Hilde moaned out loud as the umbrella fell from her fingers. When Heero used endearments, it was just too much!

Proof of that was that they didn’t start making dinner until twenty minutes later.

Hilde smiled at the memory. Indeed, the night was special. Yes, they made dinner. Twice. Heero’s accident with the lasagne was a horror she didn’t want to recall. Though she would be able to recount vividly what caused those mishaps. The girl gave a laugh as she reached the door, she never recalled witnessing such a hilarious event in her life. Distractions really weren’t…helpful in… cooking.

But aside from that, everything went by in their normal routine. From the way she badgered him as usual to set the table with her, to how he taunted her since it was her turn to wash the dirtier-than-usual dishes. It was as if they sought to make the night even more special by going through their normal activities extraordinarily well. Despite the predictability of what they were doing, everything felt different that night. For there were many gazes, many stolen kisses, many times when he darted a hand to play with the ends of her hair (he couldn’t get enough of it, he admitted, causing her to dang melt again), and the strong awareness that something strong existed between the two of them.

And the night ended with another relaxing sitting. Hilde recalled how the flame in the fireplace illuminated the room as the two of them started by reading one book together. Soon though, it was left unnoticed as the two of them started talking about anything. Anything, as long as it didn’t involve the people they left behind, and what they would be facing tomorrow. All that mattered was the present. Where maybe, just for once, they could feel and be normal.

She fell asleep in his arms that night.

And this time, there were no more nightmares. No more fear.

And waking up this morning, seeing his face looking so content as he slept, one arm still around her and a hand still tangled in her hair, had been one of the most precious moments she had ever experienced.

Hilde paused and leaned over the railing of their porch. It had been hard getting out of the couch without waking him up. But it seemed that his wary instincts had settled down. He still had that peaceful look on his face when she finally got free. He was still sleeping, strange for Heero. But it was good for him, anyway. He needed much rest these days. And then Hilde smiled as she remembered his countenance. Heero looked so different, so captivating when he was unguarded.

She hoped that he would finally be happy.

Nodding her head at the thought, Hilde set out to find the small rug that they had both ruined the other day. When she leaned over to reach for the article, a shadow fell over her.

Hilde tensed herself as she crouched low. No one would come visiting, and even if anyone would, no one would come at this hour.

“Good morning to you, Hilde-is that your name?”

Hilde gasped and released the rug, sighing with a mixture of relief and exasperation with herself as she raised her hand to the back of her head in a sheepish gesture. She looked up and saw a woman with familiarly brilliant blue eyes. She was clad in her working clothes, as seen with the apron donned on her body, and there was a warm look on her face. Hilde gave a tentative smile. “Yes, it is my name. Good morning to you, too.”

She lifted herself up and stared at the woman before her. She seemed to be middle-aged, what with the look in her eyes and the domestic apron, but she looked younger, more vibrant than what the age group Hilde had in mind usually presented. The woman grinned at Hilde. “Hi, I’m Aimee. Aimee Williams. I’m your next door neighbour.”

Hilde bit her lip at the last name. Williams… it was familiar-“Hi, I’m… Hilde Schbeiker. I just moved in about a month and a half ago. Glad to meet you,” she enthused as the other reached out her hand. “I’ve heard of you…” Hilde paused thoughtfully, where have I heard that name… Then it suddenly returned to her. “Nicky!” She exclaimed.

Aimee nodded, “Yes, he’s my son.”

Hilde’s smile grew as she gazed at the woman before her with admiration. “You’re lucky to have a kid like him.”

Aimee nodded proudly, tucking a stray wisp of curly black hair behind her ear. “I know, though he’s been a handful. Don’t tell me the boy has asked you out on a date! I wouldn’t want to comment.”

Hilde laughed, “Don’t worry. Your child’s been very well behaved here.”

The other woman smiled. “I know, he’s been telling me about you.”

Hilde’s smile froze on her face. “Really?”

Aimee noticed Hilde’s apprehension. “Don’t worry, he didn’t really say anything… um, embarrassing. As a matter of fact, I’ve heard nothing but praises about you. He told me you were going to be his next girlfriend.”

“What?” Hilde sputtered, midnight blue eyes widening in shock.

Aimee waved a hand before her and snorted. “You know how that child is. Anyway, I just wanted to drop by and be the neighbour I ought to be. Welcome to Tirrill, hope it’s not too late for me to say that.”

Someone was welcoming them here. Hilde gave her an affectionate smile and sat down at the porch with her, “No, not at all.”

Aimee winked at her. “So, how’s the place so far?”

Hilde couldn’t contain her pleasure, “It’s been really great! The people are so nice, and everywhere, there’s much to discover. It’s not your normal, messed-up colony town.”

“I know,” Aimee remarked as she looked off in the distance. “It’s just that ever since we moved in here a year ago, I never had the chance to get to know anyone else. Unlike my son,” she quipped as she smiled at Hilde. “I guess I’ve been quite busy… and maybe I was just wary. I never really fitted in. It’s hard you know, moving from one place to another. We were from earth, you see.” Hilde nodded, understanding completely. She, herself, was a constant mover, and she knew how hard it was. However, it was a wonder why the woman lacked friends right now, given her seeming confidence and her tendency to talk. “That’s why when I found out about you from my son, I decided to come here… see for myself. And maybe, try again.”

Hilde looked at her with warmth. “I would like that.”

Soon, the two of them were talking like old friends. It turned out that Aimee was twenty-eight, a good ten years older than Hilde, and that she was barely pregnant with Nicky’s younger sibling. Hilde found out all about Aimee’s husband and his job, all in the short span of five minutes. It felt good making new friends again. It was like having an older sister.

“So, tell me about yourself,” Aimee hushed, excited. Hilde shook her head, marvelling at the exuberance she contained. It was no wonder Aimee looked younger than her years. She spoke with a youthful glow. It was then when she recalled Aimee’s statement.

“I don’t know, there’s really nothing to tell.” Here we go again, Hilde thought sadly. Another time when she would have to lie again and face those horrid questions in her mind. Would she be able to fully introduce the real her one day without fearing other people’s reactions? She didn’t know.

“Oh come on,” Aimee continued. “Tell me about that handsome man you’re with. I’ve seen him from afar.”

Hilde felt another blush forming in her cheeks. She shook her head and released her breath, smiling playfully. “Oh, him. He’s my… housemate.”

“Really?” Aimee’s brow was raised suspiciously, and there was a knowing look in her eyes.

“Yes!” Hilde answered, raising a hand. “And he’s nice, considerate and supportive. He’s a bit stubborn though, and sometimes a complete grudge. But he’s interesting, deep, and even mysterious many times. He has a great temper, but he also has that wry sense of humour of his. He’s…”

“Attractive?” Aimee spared her the word, grinning mischievously.

“That too-“

“Too?”

“Okay, so he is attractive. He’s very attractive, so there!” Hilde sincerely hoped that the ever-betraying blush wasn’t as obvious as she thought it was. “He’s also got the most entrancing, searching, deep blue eyes. And then he has that way of speaking that makes you want to strangle him and kiss him even more at the same time. He can do anything you ask of him, and has this strange, unique charm…”

“Hilde?”

Hilde paused in her plight, “Huh?”

Aimee crossed her arms, winking at her good-humouredly, “Let’s have this straight. From the sound of it, you two have a more than platonic relationship. Is he your boyfriend?”

Answering more out of habit rather than of thought, Hilde supplied, “No, ‘course not.”

Then, at those words, Hilde started, suddenly feeling a cold rush within her.

The woman beside her looked confused. “He isn’t? Then who is?”

And at that question, the world came crashing back on Hilde’s shoulders.

~~~

It was going to be more than horrible.

Hilde tore through the house, “Heero?” she asked out in a voice that trembled more than she wanted it to. She felt like she was facing hell itself. There was a weakness that held a cold hand over her heart inside. She wanted to be enveloped by the earth and not have to face the truth.

She closed her eyes and released a deep breath, wondering if she could go through with this. Hilde didn’t know what she just entered, and how she was ever going to get out of it. Goodness, she didn’t want to get out of it. But she had just realized that she and Heero had forgotten about an important thing, and knew that she had to act. Hilde didn’t know how she was going to recover after this. She didn’t want to face this, she couldn’t.

“Hilde.”

No. Hilde shook her head and stared weakly at the doorway to the living room. Heero was standing there, looking like he had run from the corners of the earth back to her at her voice. There was a question in his gaze, one that hardened in a mixture of fear, anger, and concern when he saw her face.

“What happened to you?” Heero demanded, walking nearer.

Hilde took a step back, and Heero’s eyes narrowed at that. She shook her head, not wanting to see him that way. Not wanting to see him hurt because of her. “I’m so, so sorry, Heero,” she moaned out.

Heero looked at her, an unreadable expression on his face. “Hilde. What is it?” Sorry for what? The way he looked made it hard for Hilde to respond. Inside her, she wondered if Heero knew her answer already.

“I-I was talking to someone earlier.” Hilde stammered out as she looked away. “A neighbour, Nicky’s mom-“

“What the hell did she do to you?” Heero bit out as he stepped nearer. “And stop walking away from me, damn it!”

Hilde shook her head violently at his voice. “Nein! She didn’t do anything to me. She asked about you.” She stopped backing off from him. But goodness, if she allowed him any nearer, she wouldn’t be able to go through with what she had to do.

Heero started at that, “What did she say?” His voice had taken on a savage edge.

Hilde was scared to go on. It was so hard… she was going against her own heart. But what could she do? She had to do what was needed, even if it meant-even if it meant breaking her heart.

Could she stand breaking Heero’s heart?

“She asked if you were my boyfriend,” she began, her voice unbearably soft. “I couldn’t answer her. Because-“

Heero’s gaze was steely as he cut her off. “What is this all about?”

Hilde shook her head at him. “Let me finish… Heero, this is about many things. This is about how we made a mistake. Because of this, we could ruin everything. There’s still Relena, and Duo, and-“

Heero had grabbed her hand. There was a darkness in Prussian eyes as he spoke, “If this is about Duo, Hilde, tell me now and get it over with.”

“This is not about Duo alone and you know that!” Hilde couldn’t bear the anger in his eyes, but the source for such made her even more upset. “It’s more than him, damn it, you know me better than that!”

His eyes were hurt, filled with rage. He then grated out in a sarcastic voice. “Then tell me, Hilde. Tell me what this is all about. Tell me you cannot stand me, tell me you cannot accept a murderer, tell me you feel that I can never be capable of having the dreams you have, your love. Go ahead and stop hiding the truth.” By then, the anger in his tone had resided to bitterness. Hilde pounded against his chest as she realized what he was doing, how his fears were slowly destroying him.

“Stop that, Heero Yuy! Never think that way. I won’t have it,” Hilde yelled back. “I would rather die than make you feel that way. Don’t you ever think that! God help me, it’s not that, and you should know it. You’re more than what you think.” Hilde shook her head. “I should know,” she choked out. “Hurt me, will you? Not yourself.”

Heero remained silent after that, then he released her hand and stepped back. He looked as if he couldn’t believe her anymore, as if the world had frozen over. Hilde’s tears started falling at that. Damn it! He looked worse than when she first saw him in that alley. Angry, lost.

“Tell me.” He finally spoke, all life lost from his voice.

Hilde wanted to touch him, to kiss him, assure that everything was fine. That it was all a misunderstanding. That she didn’t want to fail him, betray his trust. She did nothing. “Don’t you understand? By doing this, we’re turning against what really matters.”

He said nothing. Hilde took a deep breath and forced herself to go through, praying to God that he would understand. “Last night was the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced in my life. Believe me when I say this Heero, I beg you, because that moment was the happiest one I’ve ever, ever been in. That is the truth.”

Hilde placed her arms around herself, suddenly feeling cold as she was affronted still with his silence. “But when Aimee asked me that question, I realized that, yes, I was happy, but Heero, I had also forgotten. I had conveniently forgotten about everything. I forgot that I was running from the past, I forgot that I had many obligations. I forgot that I might as well be found lying dead in a ditch elsewhere tomorrow because of all the dangers I have to face constantly. I forgot that you could be involved in that. I forgot about my problems, heck, Heero, I forgot the world. I forgot what mattered. I also forgot that I still have an unresolved relationship with Duo, and that you still have issues to sort out with Relena. I forgot everything. I am happy, Heero. But at what price? Can’t you see that?”

“You believe this is a mistake.” Heero finally murmured. It was a statement, not a question.

“Never, Heero. Never a mistake,” Hilde shook her head at him at those words. She wiped at her tears. “How can that be a mistake when it made me feel so whole, so happy, beyond anything I’ve ever experienced before? I will never, ever forget that. It will never be a mistake. And I hope that you would never look at it that way. Goodness, it’s too precious for me to let go of.”

Heero suddenly grabbed both of her shoulders, squeezing her. As if doing so would make him understand. “Then why?”

Hilde’s vision had been blurred with her tears, but she gave him a direct stare. “I could let this go on, Heero. I could continue, being happy with you. But doing that would be so unfair to you. Because I would be doing what I’ve always done, Heero, and that was to pretend. I would be running away again from what I needed to face. I would be pretending that everything was resolved and all right. And that is wrong. That is foolish. Because we both know that I have to act first, that I have to face everything now, and doing otherwise would only cause others to be hurt. And that,” Hilde choked, unsure of how to express herself. “Is what I never want to do. I don’t want to hurt you more than I am hurting you now. And hurting you, putting you in danger, is one regret I never want to have.”

“And you don’t think I’m being hurt now?” Heero let out angrily. “Don’t you think I knew that? Damn it, I tried to push you away, remember? I tried to stop this. I tried walking away. Kuso, if there was anyone who knew what the consequences would be, it would be me, Hilde. Me. But you told me yourself that stopping it would be wrong.”

Hilde almost lost her resolve at his words, spoken so angrily, filled with so much emotion. He was fighting… for what they had. “Please stop this, Heero, I won’t be able to go on with this if you do. I will believe again… Heero I wasn’t thinking about how everything else would be affected that time. I foolishly didn’t see the risks-“

Heero shook his head, cutting her off. “Damn it, Hilde. Can’t you see I knew that? I knew! And I was willing to go through it all for you. I let go of everything for you. I was ready to take that risk. I knew we could both end up hurting, but I couldn’t let this pass, because I believed we could make it.”:

Hilde placed a hand to her temple. Her eyes turned to meet his turbulent ones, pleading. “You know we wouldn’t make it. Not this way. We can’t. Please understand, Heero… I don’t want this to ruin who we are and what we should fight for.”

“You want me to understand,” Heero whispered softly. He closed his eyes, then took a deep breath. Hilde froze at that, feeling that she was now losing him. She placed a trembling hand to his cheek, but he didn’t respond to her touch. Goodness, this was it, she realized, this was the end. She had taken one night of boundless joy, and had to pay the price. More tears fell from her eyes at that.

Heero then opened his eyes. “This is what I want you to understand.” He began slowly. “I had believed that there would be many challenges to face, first within myself, and then with everything and everyone else. I knew what I would have to go through. I knew what you would have to face. Unlike you, I knew all those even before this all started, even when this was already happening.” Heero shook his head, his eyes glistening sharply as a beam of sunlight sliced through the room. “And unlike you, I believed in you.”

Hilde gasped at that, her hand fell from his face. But Heero grabbed it. “You should know that. As foolish as it first seemed to me, I believed in us. In what you made me believe was possible. I believed that if we both went through everything together, we would make it. We could face anything. We will be able to make things right. I would try. I never felt this way before, but for once, I wanted to live. To dream the way you did. Because of you. For you, Hilde Schbeiker.”

He never spoke that way before. And now, Hilde couldn’t speak, couldn’t move. Time seemed to stop at his words. “I thought you knew that. I thought you had more faith. I thought we could make it. And if there would be any hardships, it would be because of me.”

Heero released a sharp breath. “It turned out you had a lot less faith than that. I don’t know who the hypocrite is, Hilde. Me, for making myself believe all of this, or you, for being the one who made me feel this way. You decide.”

Hilde took a sharp breath at that, then tore her eyes away. She could not look at him now, not after those words. She simply shook her head and tried to block herself from the pain. The way Heero said those words… the way he held on to her, the way she knew she had made a damage that can never be rectified, all of these prevented that. She shivered at the truth in his words, about her mistake. There was no doubt about the answer to his question.

“Did you deserve it? Did you deserve all that I felt for you?” Heero’s voice, sharp and painful, reached her ears. She was hurt, he was hurt. There was nothing she could do about it. Everything was too sudden, but what was happening meant something. And she was too confused, too frustrated about what she had to do, about what she would say, and what she had to believe in order to do what was best. She didn’t know what to feel.

“No. I didn’t deserve it,” she whispered, in a voice that was so hollow, so emotionless that she could hardly believe it was her. The last time she heard herself speak that way was when she had to answer the way the First wanted her to in order to please him. She couldn’t see her dreams then. And she could hardly find their fulfilment now.

Suddenly, things became more than that. More than what they were arguing about.

Hilde didn’t deserve Heero’s trust, his emotions, his hope. She didn’t deserve it now, for she had failed him. She lacked the faith to believe in what really mattered, whether that would be herself, him, or them. It was more than just their relationship now. It was who she was and how she had lived her life. The truth had come out, and the problem that she had had all these years had been revealed from Heero’s lips. And to think that she had the nerve to tell him she had to face her problems, to tell Heero that he could love, that he should accept himself. That she had the gall to tell him that she would dream. The one thing that prevented her from really achieving all she wanted was revealed. She herself, didn’t have the faith, or the conviction to believe in herself.

Which would explain why she never told Duo about her past, or why she ran off when she received the Black Star’s threats, and why she still found it hard to face them. Which would explain why she was hurting Heero now.

Yes, Hilde would give a lot to gain what was right, but she had never fully given herself, and as a result, never truly succeeded. All because she, herself, feared. All because she was too scared to believe in something, in herself, in anything with her whole heart.

Hilde might have revealed Heero’s ultimate weakness, but it was only now that she truly found out hers. She couldn’t go on with that, not unless she learned to face her own mistakes. She couldn’t be with Heero Yuy. Knowing what she was now feeling, she knew she would only end up hurting him more.

“I don’t deserve you.”

And with that, Heero’s eyes widened, reflecting the hurt she had never, ever wanted to see there. Reflecting the pain he, himself, saw in her eyes. Hilde wondered if he understood. Slowly, his hands slid down from her shoulder and released her. He let out a deep breath and stepped away from her. Then, without a word, he gradually stepped out of the room, his eyes never leaving hers.

“I’m so sorry…” Hilde let out, speaking not only to Heero, but to her Instructor, to Duo, to Howard, Lot, and the Sweepers, to Relena, to everyone. But mostly, to herself. For not being enough.

“Don’t say you’re sorry, damn it.” Heero let out harshly. But before Hilde could reply, he stalked out of the house and slammed the door behind him.

Hilde merely stared after him. Unable to move, to cry out to him, to bring him back.

Unable to believe.

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