AC 197

Hilde’s POV

*****

If you knew me in the war you’d be surprised at how much I’ve changed. Let’ s face it, we’ve all changed. None of us are like how we used to be. But I guess I’ve probably changed the most. I’ve really fucked up my life now.

You see, I can’t get over him. It’s been two years now since we first met. I fell in love with him right away, no holding back. That’s how I am, I just fall. When I pointed my gun at his head, I couldn’t decide whether to blow his head off, or to blow—you know. I so badly wanted him then. But the war was going on, and at first we were on opposite sides. Then I began to believe him, and believe in him. He laid low for a while and stayed with me.

There were even a few nights he stayed in my bed. But nothing ever happened. I wanted it to, but was too scared, or just too “innocent.” I was a prude. I wanted to wait until after the glorious wedding I would have with Duo. After the war was over, Duo ended up being on Earth. So I went down there and tried to be close, tried to stay like we were. But we couldn ’t. And Duo had changed.

When Duo had sleepless nights, he no longer came to me. I found out from Trowa that he had started to sleep with a variety of other women. The others told me that it was just Duo’s style, a way of recovering from the war, a release.

Damnit, he could have had his release with me, I told myself. Though he might be off sleeping with others, I saved myself for him. I was going to be a virgin until I could be with Duo and he would finally see how much I loved him.

I waited. Waited over a year. And he still went to other women. Of course, we still hung out. I laughed everything off—on the outside I was the perfect little friend, and nothing he could do would ever destroy our friendship. I was his “little Hilde dear” and it seemed like nothing could change that.

On the inside I was dying, piece by piece, every night. I cried myself to sleep.

And that’s when it became dangerous. When I moved to Earth, I ended up moving in with Heero. He needed a roommate, and who else is going to live with a former Gundam pilot?

I think Heero knew I was starting to lose it with Duo. He saw how everyone else would go out on Friday nights, and unless Duo was hanging out with us, I stayed home alone. I had insomnia and couldn’t just go to sleep. I began taking sleeping pills to help, but on Friday nights it didn’t matter. I stayed up late wondering where Duo was, and if he was alone. I couldn’t bear the thought of being out and then running into him with some other babe. So I stayed at home and watched movies.

After a while, Heero started to stay home as well. I noticed that though he worked for Relena, he didn’t hang out with her much anymore. One Friday night I was watching a movie and Heero joined me on the couch.

“How come you’re not out?” I asked him.

“I could ask you the same question,” he responded.

“I asked you first.”

“I don’t like crowds. How about you?”

Damn, he got me. “I don’t want to talk about it,” I respond, but almost with a laugh. Since when did Heero want to get so personal? I pop a sleeping pill into my mouth, determined not to be up too late tonight.

Heero said nothing more and I turned the movie on. A little while later the phone rang. I answered.

“Hiya Hilde, is Heero there?”

“Yes, he is, Duo. How are you doing?” I ask him cheerfully. Then I heard a woman’s voice in the background.

“Du-oh, I thought we were going back to your place,” she whined.

“We’ll be there soon, babe,” he muttered off of the phone, his voice deep and chilling. “Hilde, I’m great. Can you put Heero on?”

I hand the phone over to Heero. Normally Duo would talk to me for a while, but I guess he’s too busy, getting hot with this girl. After Heero takes the phone I head towards my room, shutting the door.

The tears begin before I even reach my bed. Why, why does he have to do this? Why can’t he see how much I love him? I don’t get it at all. I can’ t even think about letting go because Duo is all I’ve ever had—he has to be the one. He’s the only one I’ve ever loved.

A half-hour passes and I hear a soft knock on the door. “Hilde?” Heero asks.

I don’t answer, pretending to be asleep. He opens the door softly. I don’t turn, but I sniffle a little, giving myself away. I feel the weight of the bed go down as he sits on the side.

“Hilde, if you want to talk—”

“I’ve got nothing to say,” I tell him. I try to wipe the tears from my eyes. He lies down close to my back, and slowly, carefully, places an arm around me. The tears flow freely now.

My pills kick in and eventually I drift off to sleep. I awake much later—it ’s dark and still all around—and I realize that Heero is still there. I slowly raise myself from the bed and go out to the couch. Heero has fallen into deep sleep and I don’t want to wake him.

Duo, why not me? I don’t understand.

*****

Friday nights with Heero are now a regular thing. I’ve tried hanging out with Duo more but it always ends the same, we say goodnight and he might kiss me on the cheek if I’m lucky. It never turns into anything more, and on most Friday evenings he’s with someone else anyway. Heero doesn’t go out anymore, either, and it’s made me curious.

“Heero, how come you’re not with Relena?” I ask cautiously.

He turns to me curiously. “Why do you ask?”

“Because you don’t have to be home alone with me—you could go out like normal people do on Friday nights,” I tease, taking a sleeping pill. “So what’s up?”

Heero turns away. “Relena and I—it’s complicated right now.”

I don’t press, and I turn the TV on. Surprisingly, though, Heero continues.

“We have decided to not try to be together.”

“Why?” I ask.

“It’s the way we are. We just couldn’t work,” he answers without turning.

I turn fully to face him. “Do you love her?”

“Yes. But it doesn’t change anything.”

I’m getting a little worked up. Two of my closest friends are completely in love with each other yet they’re just giving up? “That’s not true,” I begin. “If two people truly love each other, it’s got to work out. There’s nothing else in this world that needs to work out more than true love.” Heero drew in a deep breath, then without looking at me muttered, “Hilde, you watch too many movies.”

I shrug and begin watching the movie. Then Heero turns to face me.

“How come you never told Duo how you feel?”

“What do you mean?” I ask him.

“Hilde, you hide it from everyone else but I can see through. You love him.”

I didn’t answer. He continued.

“Duo is a good friend, but Hilde, he’s not right for you.”

“What do you mean by that?” I demand.

“Duo has never been one to settle down with one person. He’s not going to start anytime soon. You’re sitting here every Friday night waiting for him to finally come to his senses and call you, but it’s not going to happen. And if it does, Hilde, it would be for one night. That’s how Duo is. Like it or not, that is who he is.”

How can he talk about Duo like that? “Yes, Duo does have some problems, but he just hasn’t found the right one, that’s all!”

“Hilde, don’t try to make yourself ‘the right one.’ You’re going to end up getting hurt.”

I toss the remote to him and go to my room. Damn him. I love Duo. No one is going to talk me out of that. Heero knocks on my door. “Hilde…”

“Heero, I’m ok. You don’t have to check in on me.”

He opens the door anyway, looking down at me under his thick dark bangs. “I ’m sorry—I shouldn’t have said it like that.”

“It’s ok, Heero.”

“You’re right about one thing—Duo needs to settle down. But he’s not ready for it yet, I don’t think. And I don’t think you should be the first girl to help him. You’ll end up being hurt. Maybe if you told him how you felt, he’d try, but at the same time, I don’t know if it would work for you.”

I hadn’t thought of that before. That maybe when Duo was ready to settle down he would think of me. Maybe that’s why it hasn’t worked out yet.

Heero left me alone for the rest of the night, but I pondered what he said for hours. I could have taken another sleeping pill but decided against it, thinking about other things. I could be the girl to help Duo. Heero can’t be right all the time.

Would he take me if I offered myself? Heero warned me against this, but I hadn’t thought of it. What if I offered myself, no strings attached, just for one night? Would he take me?

*****

It’s Friday night again. I didn’t tell Heero where I was going tonight, so he’ll be surprised when I’m not home. But I’m sure he’ll figure it out.

I decided to wear the dark green sweater and my jeans, no bra on underneath. It’s raining a little but I don’t put on a jacket, and instead hug my arms to my chest, and climb down the stairs into the club.

It’s taken me all week to psyche myself up for this. It goes against everything I dreamed of—the perfect love just coming together, a fabulous wedding and then the wedding night. I’m doing things backwards here, and I have had second thoughts.

Is this the right thing to do? I can’t look myself in the mirror and tell myself it’s completely right. But I can’t see any other way around it right now. I want Duo so badly. I don’t want to share him anymore. Maybe, just maybe, tonight will be the night I tell him.

It doesn’t take me long to spot him, standing in a corner, beer in one hand and three girls standing around him. He’s being Prince Charming tonight, and they’re all ears. I smile.

Tonight he’s mine.

I carefully make my way through the crowd, swinging my hips slightly. I feel very strange, and my stomach feels like it’s tying in knots. I’ve never done anything like this before—I’ve always been too shy.

Duo stops almost in mid conversation as he sees me. He places his beer on the bar and looks at me, puzzled.

“Hilde?”

“Hey Duo,” I say in my sexiest voice, leaning up against the bar. I notice Duo’s eyes drop from my face down to my chest, noticing that I’m braless tonight.

“I didn’t think this was your type of place,” he managed to say.

I smile and look dreamily at him. “Aw, you never know. Sometimes I just stay in too much.”

“Want to dance?” he asks me.

I know my face is turning red as he takes my hand and drags me on to the dance floor. I place my arms around his neck and he pulls me close. We move closer and closer until our bodies are rubbing against each other, and he’s moving his hands up and down my back. Eventually his hands are under my sweater, and I am getting hot all over.

“Let’s go someplace else, ok?” I whisper under his ear. He grins and takes my hand, leading me out of the club.

We walk the few blocks down to his place, hand in hand, not saying anything. I know my cheeks are still bright red, my hand sweaty in his. I’ve got him. I really do.

He leads me up the stairs to his apartment and unlocks the door. We walk inside and he offers me a seat on the couch.

“Want to watch TV?” he asks me.

“Not really,” I respond, trying to sound sexy. He sits down beside me on the couch and looks at me.

“Well, what would you like to do?”

I swallow hard, staring him in the eyes. Hilde, you’ve got to do this. If he knows you’re scared he’ll know there’s something up.

I answer him by boldly leaning over and kissing him, catching him off guard. It’s my first kiss and I’m not quite sure what to do, but it doesn’t take long before Duo is kissing me back, moving his tongue in and out of my mouth. I move closer until I’m practically on top of him and his hands are under my sweater. Suddenly he reaches under me and lifts me up, carrying me to his bedroom.

So this is it. For a brief moment I feel like I should stop, that somehow, this is wrong. We’re going too fast and there’s no commitment. But if I stop it all ends, and so I push the thought from my mind. I want Duo to make love to me.

Slowly he pulls my sweater off and then works on my jeans. I unbutton his shirt, planting kisses on his neck. He pushes me back on his bed and nuzzles my breasts, sucking gently on one nipple and then the other. I toss my head back and moan while the rest of our clothes slowly meet the floor. Another nagging thought comes into my mind but I push it away. I’m not on birth control and I don’t see Duo getting a condom out. I can’t be worried about that now.

His hands are all over me and I don’t want him to stop. He is completely naked now, looking even better than I imagined, and has positioned himself between my legs. I brace myself for the pain. He thrusts in and I cry out. It hurt more than I thought.

His eyes change from a look of hunger and desire to one of concern. “You’re a virgin?” he asks me after pushing in.

I smile. “Yes.”

Duo continues, but the look in his eye doesn’t change. My smile fades as he begins pushing in and out. My stomach is tying up in knots and I just want this to be over with now. It started out great but now it’s like we both feel something is wrong. I can’t figure it out but eventually Duo climaxes, falling down on top of me. I stroke his sweaty brow. He pulls out of me.

“Hilde, I’m so sorry.”

“Why? I wanted you, Duo. I love you.”

“What?” he asks, sitting up, looking down at me. I cover my mouth.

I spoke too soon. He’s not ready for this.

“I’m sorry, Duo,” I begin, and I start to cry. Oh God, what have I done?

“No, Hilde, I’m sorry—I mistook what you wanted—”

“No—”

But it’s too late. Duo gets up from the bed and pulls his jeans on. I pull the sheets up over my chest, now embarrassed. Gee, I think it’s a little late for that now, Hilde, I tell myself.

“Duo, I love you. I’ve loved you since I met you. I don’t know why you choose others and not me, so I felt that I had to try to get you to choose me tonight. I thought—”

“Hilde, I’m sorry,” he interrupts me. He sits back down on the bed, reaching out for my hand. “Obviously you have a lot of deep feelings for me.” He takes a deep breath and then continues. “But Hilde, I just don’t feel that way about you. You’ve always been a good friend—I hope we can still be friends—but I didn’t think this was going to mean anything to either one of us. I’m sorry I misunderstood your actions.”

I swallow back a sob, trying not to cry any more. So I was just another one-night stand to him. I thought I could be different.

Duo suddenly looks very uncomfortable. He throws his shirt on and walks to the door, looking back at me one last time.

“I’m going out for a walk. Lock the door when you leave,” he tells me, leaving me in his now dirty sheets, alone.

*****

I walk in, trying not to wake Heero. It’s after midnight now. I head straight for the shower and turn the water on, and after a minute I get in, letting the water pound on me. I want to wash away my sin. I want to wash away my foolishness, my own self-deception.

Slowly I sit down in the tub, letting the water fall down on me. But I still feel dirty. How could I have lost him? How could this have gone wrong? I love him. Maybe I deceived him tonight as well, though. He wasn’ t ready for me to tell him I loved him. He would have been more ready if we were just having a milkshake, then having sex like that.

I don’t want to live without Duo.

I turn off the shower and I get out of the tub just long enough to grab my bottle of sleeping pills, and then sit back in. The bottle sits on the edge of the tub, and I stare at it. Take no more than two pills every 24 hours. Call your physician after two refills.

I fill the tub with hot water again, settling down until I’m comfortable. I pick the bottle up carefully in my hand, turning it over and over.

I don’t want to live without Duo.

I pop the top off, swallowing two. My fingers tap the side of the tub, gently.

I don’t want to live without Duo.

I pour a bunch of pills into my hand, not counting. Two by two I swallow, until I feel the wall of exhaustion fall upon me.

I don’t want to live without…

I don’t want to live…

~~~~~~

Part Two

Slowly I hear the sound of something beeping. I recognize the sound—I’ve heard it once before. A heart monitor. My eyes begin to flutter open but the bright light is blinding. The smell tells me I’m in a hospital.

I remember a bottle. My sleeping pills. And I’m alive.

A figure begins to emerge from the blur. Dark hair and piercing blue eyes.

Heero.

“Hilde?”

“Heero,” I mutter. The room is starting to come into focus. A nurse is checking the heart monitors. Sallie Po is standing behind Duo, staring at me.

“Hilde, do you remember what happened?” she asks me.

“I think so.”

“Why?” Heero asks me. I’m not even sure what he’s asking. I remember the pills, and taking them.

Then I remember.

Duo.

I slept with him.

He walked out.

“Is Duo here?” I ask, ignoring Heero.

He turns away. “Yes. He’s waiting outside.” Heero sounds pissed, but I don’t know why.

Sallie turns to Heero. “Why don’t you go get Duo while I have a word with Hilde alone.”

Heero nods and leaves. The door slams behind him. I wrinkle my brow.

“Hilde, my God what happened to you?” she asks me.

I shake my head. “Sallie, I don’t know.”

“Were you raped?” she asks me. I’m shocked, startled.

What did everyone think happened? I left no note, gave no warning. If Sallie did the full medical exam, she must know I’m not a virgin now. “No, I wasn’t raped,” I answer. “Why did you ask like that? I’m guessing you know I had sex.”

Sallie nods. “Hilde, you’re pregnant.”

“What?”

“I just did the tests—you’re only about four days along.” “Four days?” I ask. That can’t be right—I just had sex the night before. Or I’ve been under for that long.

“How long have I been here?”

“Four days now.”

Sallie turns as the door opens. Duo walks in, his hands stuffed in his pockets, his eyes looking at me with concern under his baseball cap. “Hey Sallie, could I have a moment with Hilde alone?” he asks her. She nods and leaves.

I smile at Duo. Sallie’s news is hanging in the back of my mind but I push it out of the way. Duo is really concerned about me. Maybe he does care. Maybe he just needed this to wake up.

Duo sits down next to me and takes my hand in his. “I’m so sorry Hilde,” he begins, bursting into tears. I reach up and touch his face. Duo is crying, crying over me. He thinks it’s his fault.

At that moment something else catches my eye. I can see through the small window that Heero is standing in the hall. He stares at me, his eyes full of anger. He sees through me.

I feel like he’s mentally hit the back of my head. I shake myself. “Duo, it’s not your fault. I screwed up. Duo, don’t blame yourself for this.”

I’m scared to say the next words out of my mouth.

“Duo, I’m pregnant.”

Duo pulls back a little, shocked. I nod. “Sallie told me she did the test.”

“What are you going to do?” he finally asks me.

“I don’t know.”

Duo stays silent for a while, just holding my hand. Slowly, little by little, he pulls away, and I realize that this is it.

I’m going to lose him, and I’m going to lose him forever.

One tear falls down my cheek.

“Duo, I’ll tell you when I decide what to do. Please, if you have any strong feelings about this, tell me.”

He nods, but doesn’t look at me anymore. His hand falls out of mine and he walks out the door.

Heero passes him in the doorway, placing a hand on his shoulder as Duo leaves. I watch him walk down the hallway through the window. Heero shuts the door behind him, leaning against the wall with his arms folded on his chest.

I don’t know what to say to him. I fall back against my pillow, exhausted. “Heero, I’m sorry.”

“That doesn’t cut it,” he spits back. I look at him. He’s absolutely furious right now. He turns his face so that he’s not looking at me. “I found you—the water was so cold—I thought you were dead. I couldn’t feel your heartbeat.”

I put my hand up on my mouth and choke back a sob.

How many people did I hurt by my actions? My foolish, stupid, selfish actions?

I let the tears fall. “Heero, I—I hurt you.”

He says nothing, letting his eyes fall to the floor.

“I was only thinking about myself.”

All along. All through this, I was only thinking about myself.

“You need help.”

I stare at him, as he slowly raises his eyes to mine from across the room. “How many times did you try to kill yourself?” I ask him, angry now.

“That was different. We were in war.”

And we’re not anymore?

He continues on. “I wasn’t talking about just your suicide attempt. I was talking about your issues with Duo.”

“Duo?”

“You’re so damn dependent on him you can’t see living without him.”

I lie back down on the pillow, staring up at the ceiling. “I’m in love, Heero—”

“You’re codependent. There’s a difference.”

I start to open my mouth, then shut it. I can’t tell him I’m pregnant. I still don’t believe it myself.

*****

Two days later Sallie releases me from the hospital but Heero has to sign for me. She’s put me under suicide watch and Heero’s assigned to look out for me.

Before I go, Sallie also gives me a card. “He’s good. I go see him now and then myself.”

I turn it over. Dr. Taylor Higgins, licensed psychologist, specializing in post-war syndrome. I look up at Sallie, puzzled.

“He’s helped a lot of old MS pilots, OZ, Alliance and otherwise. He’ll keep everything confidential.”

I stuff it in my pockets. I think she’s got me wrong. The only thing I’m sick of is love.
Lovesick over Duo.

Heero drives us home from the hospital. We say nothing to each other. I know he’s hurt but I don’t know what I can say to him now. He unlocks the door and leads me inside. I slump down on the couch, pulling my knees up to my chest. I’m home. I’m alive. I’m not as indifferent as I thought I would be.

And suddenly I’m starting to care.

Heero is in the kitchen, getting dinner ready. I walk over and lean against the door.

“Heero?”

“Yes?” he asks, turning to face me.

“Thank you.”

And suddenly his expression relaxes, and I think I see a hint of a smile. Heero Yuy, who’d have thought you’d have such a nice smile?

*****

I’m standing outside of the office, trembling. I’ve turned back twice. But Sallie recommended him and I figure it can’t hurt. I enter the office.

“Hello, can I help you?” a young woman asks. I give a half-smile.

“Yes, I’m here to see Dr. Higgins. I’m Hilde Schbeiker.”

“Yes, Hilde… he’ll be right with you,” she responds after checking the appointment book. I go sit in one of the comfy chairs and pick up a magazine, not even looking at the pictures, just mindlessly thumbing through it.

Dr. Higgins opens his door. “Hilde, please, come in.”

I give my fake smile and walk in.

“Take a seat.”

I sit down in the chair across from him.

“Tea?”

“No thanks.”

He now sits down, smiling.

“Sallie Po told me you might be coming in, but because she is also a doctor she didn’t reveal anything to me for confidentiality reasons. But knowing Sallie I am assuming you are a former MS pilot.”

“Yeah,” I respond, still not sure what that has to do with anything.

“Do you want to tell me anything?”

“Only that Sallie suggested I see you,” I mutter.

“Why did you come, then?” he asks.

Good question. I was going to toss the card out the other day but after another sleepless night (they won’t refill my prescription) I got up and decided that I would come here.

I place my hand on my belly. Two weeks pregnant now and no closer to a decision. “I’m pregnant,” I mutter, startling myself. Only Sallie and Duo knew before now.

“Was this expected?”

I shake my head.

“Hilde, I may ask you some very personal questions here. If you don’t want to answer just tell me. You may find that there are things you want to talk about here that you haven’t talked about before, and that there are things you still do not want to talk about. That is fine.”

He paused and smiled at me. I relaxed a little more.

“Hilde, do you know who the father is?”

I nod.

“How is your relationship with the father?”

Ok, here we go. Now we’re getting to it.

“We’re good friends, but—well, since he found out, he hasn’t been around. Ever since my attempt.”

“Your attempt?”

And then I realize he doesn’t know about my suicide attempt. And I don’t have to tell him. But something tells me it would be all right here. After all, he is supposed to help me.

“I attempted suicide two weeks ago. Sallie was my doctor and informed me I was pregnant. Duo—the father—came to visit me then but I haven’t seen him since.”

The doctor is silent. I study him, trying to read him, but his expression is blank.

“Hilde, this is all about you, and not about me. Please continue if you want.”

I shrug. “There’s not much to tell. I’ve been in love with Duo forever, it seems, but he doesn’t love me back. After we—had sex—I told him I loved him, but he said he didn’t love me. I was really confused, and didn’t know what to do.”

I take a deep breath. “So I got in the bathtub and downed some pills.”

“Did you want to kill yourself?”

I look at him curiously. “I don’t think so. I think—I was just scared and confused. I remember repeating to myself that I didn’t want to live without Duo, but I don’t think I wanted to die.”

“Sometimes, Hilde, people attempt suicide as a cry for help, a cry for others to realize that they’re there.” I smirk. “Well, maybe that was what I was trying to do, to get Duo to know I was there.”

The doctor shifts in his seat. “How long have you known Duo?”

I sigh. “About two years now. We met in the war.”

“The war. What did you do in the war?”

I smile. “I was an MS pilot for OZ. A damn good one, too,” I can’t help but say. The doctor laughs.

“I’m sure you were—Sallie tends to only send me the best. So was Duo also with OZ?”

“Oh no,” I respond. “He was—well, he was an enemy.” I leave it at that, wanting to give Duo as much anonymity as possible.”

The doctor nods. “He was an enemy?”

“Yeah. He deceived me and tried to steal an OZ MS, but I caught him. I was the prisoner interrogator and so I was sent in to talk with him. Eventually he ended up convincing me that OZ was wrong, so I helped him escape. I didn’t see him again for a while.”

“Did you start having feelings for Duo then?” he asks.

I smile. “I think I loved him from the moment I saw him, when he was making fun of OZ recruits and I challenged him to join.”

“So you didn’t see him again for a while,” the doctor repeats.

“Yeah. He ended up needing a place to hide out for a while with his—with his MS—and he looked me up on L2. I was so happy to see him again,” I pause, reminiscing. That moment was a good moment—the moment I opened my door and there was Duo, hands folded across his chest, his hat pulled down to hide his face.

“He stayed with me then for a while, but we were still just friends. Then he left to go back to fight, and I joined up with White Fang.”

“You joined White Fang?” he asks me. I think he’s a little startled by my involvement, being so young. I smile. “Yeah. But only so I could steal data on Libra to give to Duo. I almost died escaping, and Duo rescued me.”

The doctor leaned back in his chair. “Tell me if this sounds right, but I’m going to make a statement of what I see about your relationship with Duo so far.” He smiles. “In some ways he seems like a knight in shining armor. He ‘saved’ you from OZ, and then ‘rescued’ you from White Fang. Do you look up to him?”

“Yes,” I breathed. “But now he is different.”

“Yes,” I responded.

“How is he different?”

“I don’t know—he just—he doesn’t come to see me anymore. During the war, he always confided in me. He doesn’t do that now. I have really missed him.”

“Would you do anything to get him back?” he asks me, startling me. “Well—I don’t know.”

“Hilde, you don’t have to answer this, but do you think that you attempted suicide to try to get Duo back?”

I shrug my shoulders. He’s probably right but I don’t want to think so right now.

Instead, I mutter something else, startling both of us. “I did sleep with him to try to get him back.”

“And now you’re pregnant.”

“Yes, but I didn’t plan that,” I insist.

“I’m not accusing you, Hilde,” he reassures me. “Hilde, again, I’m going to make a leap here. The war left everyone’s life chaotic. There was no control over anything, and the powers that be were changing over constantly. There was no stability, no security.”

“And I looked to Duo for security,” I mutter, finishing his thought. He looks at me.

“Hilde, how do you define love?” I laugh. “How can you define love? Love is—hell I don’t know. There are many kinds of love.”

“Define your love for Duo, then, if you can.”

I sigh. “My love for Duo—I don’t know. I guess when I was with him I felt like anything could happen, like somehow everything would be right.”

“He had rescued you before. So after the war, when he didn’t come for you—”

“Everything fell apart,” I finish.

“Hilde, did Duo ever tell you how he felt about you?”

I shook my head.

The doctor looked down at his watch. “Hilde, we’ve been here for a long time now. Do you want to go on, or would you like to call it a day?”

I look down at my hands. They’re clenching the chair. I didn’t even notice until now. I pull them away looking at them carefully. “I think I’ve had enough for one day.”

*****

I open the door. Heero’s in the kitchen, making dinner again. He’s cooked every night since I came home. He let up on my surveillance about three nights ago, when I insisted I wasn’t going to try to kill myself again and finally convinced him.

“How did it go?” he asks me, leaning against the kitchen door. I don’t look him in the eyes. “I think—I think it went well.”

After dinner we sit down on the couch to watch TV. It’s well after midnight and Heero yawns. “Are you going to bed?” he asks me.

I shake my head. “I’m not tired.”

“Come on.” He grabs my hand and pulls me with him. I begin to laugh.

“Heero, what’s up?”

He pulls me into my room and onto my bed. “If you’re staying up I’m staying up, but I’m at least going to try to get you to sleep.”

I smile, lying down on my bed. He lies down next to me and places his arm around me, pulling up the covers. I snuggle closer.

He’s so kind and gentle.

“Heero, can I ask you something?”

“Hm?”

“How come you aren’t with Relena?”

His arm stiffens a little. “As I said before, it’s really complicated.” He sighs, looking at me. “During the war Relena needed a lot of protection, a sense that she was doing the right thing. I guess I gave that to her. Afterwards, she didn’t need it anymore. She found her own reasons for doing the right thing. She didn’t love me any less. But we’re from two different worlds. We tried to work out, but it—it just didn’t.”

“Do you still love her?”

“Yes.”

A wetness on my cheeks startles me. I realize that I have been crying, but I don’t know when it started. “I don’t know if Duo ever loved me.”

Heero’s arm holds me a little tighter.

~~~~~~

Part Three

It’s been a month since I tried to kill myself. I’ve gone back to see Dr. Higgins a few times now. We’ve talked about the nature of my relationship with Duo, and my days as an MS pilot. He never says it but alludes that I may have a dependency problem. That when my life was most chaotic Duo came and pulled it together, and I’m still looking for that.

I’m starting to think he’s right. It doesn’t change the fact I still love Duo, but it does change some aspects. Can I love him and let go of him? Heero had to do that with Relena. He still loves her. Every time her name is mentioned, there’s a flash in his eyes that I can’t name, only understand.

And then there’s the issue of me being pregnant. I discussed this more with Dr. Higgins, but I’ve known since the beginning that I can’t have this child.

“Are you sure this is what you want to do, Hilde?” he asks.

I nod. “I’m sure.”

“Are you going to talk with Duo about it?”

I sit motionless for a moment, then slowly nod. “Yes, I need to talk with him.”

“I’ve called Dr. Warner at the clinic. Your appointment is at one-thirty.”

I nod. “I had better go, then, and talk with Duo.”

“Hilde, just remember that if at any time you have second thoughts, the appointment can be cancelled.”

I nod.

“Thank you, Dr. Higgins. You’ve really helped me a lot.”

“I hope this is not our last visit,” he states.

I smile. “No, I’ll be back in, after I’ve recovered.”

*****

The phone rings and rings, but he doesn’t pick up. I slam it down.

“What’s wrong?” Heero asks from behind me.

“I need to talk with Duo, and he’s not home.” I look in Heero’s questioning eyes.

“Heero, I need a favor. I need to talk with Duo—it’s very important I do so now. It can’t wait. If you know where he is—”

Heero steps closer to me, picking up the phone and dialing a number. He hands the phone to me. “Here.”

“Thank you.”

The phone rings three times, and then a very tired voice answers. “Hello?”

“Duo, it’s me.”

“Hilde.”

We say nothing for a moment.

“Duo, I need to talk with you. Now. Tonight. It’s very important.” “Is it about—”

“Just meet me at the coffee shop on 3rd street, ok?” I plead with him.

“Ok, give me a half-hour.”

I hang up and grab my jacket. Heero looks at me concerned.

“I’ll tell you later.” I can’t tell him right now.

*****

Duo stares down at his coffee. “You’re sure you want to do this?”

I nod. “I can’t have this baby now, Duo. I’m still a mess.”

He reaches his hand across the table. “I haven’t helped you at all.”

“It’s ok,” I tell him, giving a half-smile. “I’ve had to get my life together, that’s all.”

“Hilde, if I ever led you on or anything—”

“No, Duo, I led myself on. But it’s over. Let’s just leave it at that.”

He looks at me, his violet eyes questioning.

“I’m ok,” I reassure him.

“Hilde, I haven’t been straight with you. With the war over and everything—my life’s a little messed up now. I’ve been staying at a rehab shelter for a while.”

I almost drop the cup from my hand.

“Heero has known about my problem now for a while—actually, they all have. Heero insisted I get myself checked in a few weeks ago. I’ve been dealing with a lot of post-war crap.”

I nod. “That makes two of us.” I look him in the eyes. “I’ve also been seeing a doctor. Sallie recommended one.”

We sit in silence a little while longer, our fingers intertwined. This is to be the parting of ways, I realize. Duo has a lot of shit to work out, and so do I. And we can’t do it together.

“I’ve got to go, Duo. Call me sometime.”

“Yeah.”

I leave, not looking back.

It’s over, for good.

*****

It’s 1:23 and I’m outside of the clinic, staring at the blank white walls. It’s unmarked, to keep everything confidential, but I’m sure I’ve found the place. I place my hand on my belly, one last time.

I hear footsteps and I spin around. It’s Heero.

“How did you find me?” I demand.

“Duo called me and told me.”

“Oh.” I look down to the ground. “He told you—”

“Why you’re here.”

Suddenly I’m very scared. I turn to face Heero. “What would you do if you were me? Would you go through with this?”

Slowly, softly, Heero takes my hand in his. “I know that I wouldn’t go in there alone.”

The tears begin to fall, as he embraces me. I never realized before, how when he hugs me how well we fit together. My arms fall just underneath his and his wrap all the way around me.

*****

It’s been a month since the procedure. I’ve gone back to visit Dr. Higgins some more. Heero has taken good care of me, though I’m a little wary of it. I don’t want to become dependent again upon someone else. But it’s different now. I feel like there’s just a deep understanding between Heero and I, something unspoken. We talk more now, about our feelings, trying to be as honest as we can with each other.

It hasn’t been easy. I have had many nights where I have felt horrible. Dr. Higgins says I’m grieving, grieving for my loss. I hadn’t thought about that before. I did lose a child. I look back, though it was only a month ago, and realize how much I’ve grown. That if I was pregnant today, maybe I would have made a different choice.

But at that time it was the only option I could see, and perhaps it was the only thing I could do.

One afternoon I just decided to do it. I went to the home and garden store and bought a small rosebush, then went to the colony cemetery and planted it. I have no grave to visit, but something to remind me now of what has been lost. My child, my relationship with Duo. My false hopes of a happy-ever after fairytale ending. Life doesn’t work that way.

I just take things one day at a time now. Slowly I’m growing more sure of myself. I realize that I want to live because I am alive. That the war is over and there is even more of a reason to live now than ever.

I smile and think of Heero. The one who tried to kill himself so many times in the war was the first to find life. And he found it on his own. Sometimes I wish I could be as strong as he is.

*****

Another three months have passed. Heero and I often fall asleep together now, and I feel like we’re an old couple. That somehow we’ve been together forever. Nothing has ever been said, but it has just grown that way.

One night we lay on his bed, and he was stroking my arm with his hand as I lay awake. My insomnia is less frequent now, but tonight I’m up again. Suddenly I feel soft lips on my shoulder. I turn to face him. His kisses brush my skin, moving up to the base of my throat. He flicks his tongue along my neck until he reaches my chin. I just stare at him, wondering when the Perfect Soldier became so affectionate. Slowly, surely, he kisses me. I close my eyes, savoring the taste of him. He pauses, looking down at me.

I nod. He closes his eyes, moving back down to my throat, kissing down until he reaches the top of my tank top. I begin to rub my hands on his back.

Suddenly I stop him. “Heero, do you have any protection?”

He nods, moving over to the side of the bed, opening the drawer of the end table. I smile.

“Been thinking about this for a while now, have you?”

He gives me a smirk and then goes back to what he was doing. I raise my arms so he can lift the tank top off, baring my breasts. Gently he suckles and nibbles here and there. The rest of our clothes meet the floor, and he moves back up, lying down next to me, just feeling my body with his. I feel a wetness between my legs.

I want him, but I’m scared. It hurt so much the first time. Heero sees my fear in the tenseness of my body. He begins kissing me again, kissing in circles that widen, go lower. He shifts until he’s between my legs. I close my eyes, bracing myself for him.

But instead I feel his tongue. I open my eyes and see his brown mass of hair, moving down between my legs. He is carefully tasting me, licking and prodding. I’ve never felt anything like this before. I arch my back. Damn I’m ready. But he leaves me for just a moment, and I whimper. With one hand he fingers my clit, and the other he opens the condom wrapper. I nod and he lets go of me for just a second to slip the condom on.

He moves back up, positioning himself above my opening, then slowly, gently, slips inside me. Carefully he lowers himself until he is completely inside me. I breathe hard, trying to relax. He waits until I’m ready, then begins a slow rhythm, moving in and out, up and down. My hips buck, wanting to meet him. We start going harder and harder, grunting and moaning. My nails dig into his back, teeth clenched. He slows up a little, giving me some room to breathe, then goes again, faster and faster. Finally I moan in ecstasy, and he comes after me, releasing, spent.

We lie there, limbs entangled, our bodies clinging with sweat. Eventually Heero rises, pulling out of me, careful not to spill the condom. He lies back down next to me and pulls me close.
I’ve never felt like this before. I didn’t know it was possible. He looks at me concerned. I blink, then feel his hand brush the side of my cheek. A tear.

I shake my head. “Heero, I’m not in pain. That was just—so beautiful.” I can’t think of any other words to say to describe it.

He pulls me close again, and we just listen to the sound of each other’s heartbeats, each other’s breathing. I pull close to his ear.
“Heero, I love you.”
“I know. I love you to."
“I know,” I reply as well.

*****

We’ve now been together I guess a year. It hasn’t been easy by any means. I still am seeing Dr. Higgins. But I look at Heero and I and know that this couldn’t have happened if I hadn’t grown. We don’t have any spoken promises to each other, no outward commitments other than what is whispered in the bedroom. Our friendship runs so deep that our lovemaking is a byproduct of that.

But we’re honest with each other, and don’t hide anything. I know that on occasion, when he stares out the kitchen window, he’s thinking of Relena. He still loves her, in a way.

And there are times when I’m watching an old sappy movie and I can’t help but think of Duo. I still love him, but it’s different. He’s not a knight in shining armor, and I’m not a princess. Duo’s now out of the rehab center, doing better. Sometimes I think that if we hadn’t slept together, if we had held out, if I could have still grown up without letting go—that maybe now we would have worked out.

But who’s to say? So many things “could have been.” We weren’t one of them. Heero and I just “came to be.” And so it’s the alternative ending to the fairy tale. The princess wakes up one day and discovers she’s a peasant like everyone else. The knight wakes up one day and discovers he’s a soldier like all the others. They end up not getting married. Instead, the peasant girl finds a soldier who never tried to be a knight. They become good friends and help each other. And one day, they put to words what they’ ve known all along. That they love each other, and that this love is enough.

The end.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

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